To send my eldest to grammar school knowing it’ll be a squeeze?

[Troisfoisfilles]

So my eldest just won a place at a really good grammar school in our area to start year 7 in September which is great.
She did so well in the entrance exam and interview that she was offered a scholarship and we have been awarded a brilliant bursary. Only trouble is, the bursary doesn’t cover everything and even the transport and uniform are a huge expense! It’s going to be a massive squeeze on finances. I also have two younger children who will no doubt miss out on little treats and things that I won’t be able to afford any longer 😞.
She is very intelligent and would do well at any school but I know for a fact that she won’t achieve full potential at a state school.
I originally applied for a place for her at the school I teach at. It’s a great school and she would do ok there but I don’t want just ok for her. For a start, she’s really quite eccentric and mature for her age. Kids similar to this at my school don’t really go down that well and are singled out by the others - kids are horrid!
I really believe she needs the small classes, discipline and pushiness she’d get at a grammar.
So am I being unreasonable in sending her?

Is it fair to not let her reach this potential?

Grossly unfair in my view. Every child should be encouraged to reach their full potential. If she’s incredibly bright the chances are she’ll be bored and coast in your school @Troisfoisfilles.

I would move heaven & earth to get her there.

Especially from what you’ve said about her eccentricities. There may well be a little group of children just like her at the school so she finds friends straight away. Or at the very least doesn’t stand out as much.

If she ends being bullied or whatever (which is your fear) I’m not sure it will be easy to go back to the school and say “you know that bursary you offered us last year .. is it still available?”

I’d go for it. She’s very fortunate to get offered a place, let alone with a bursary. Even more so if she loves the school.

I'd go for it. But get in touch with the school and ask for help. If she did that well, they may help more.

I voted YABU at the point where you work in a ‘great school’ - ok for other kids but not yours

Also schools quite often have discretionary funds that no one would know about if they hadn’t gone in and been honest about their circumstances.

You could start her, see how she’s fitting in etc, and if the bus fare is still a struggle ask for a chat with the Head/pastoral care lead. I have a (lone parent) friend who was struggling and was told “don’t take her out .. school will fund her, but leave her here”.

Uniform: all schools have uniform sales. You can befriend the admin staff in school who takes in all the grown-out-of uniforms from parents and ask her/him to keep you its aside. I know this is done too.

Your DD sounds tremendously bright and self motivated, I can't imagine having the conversation where you tell her no she can't go because you couldn't afford it if the others got in.

I can absolutely imagine having the conversation where you tell her how proud you are of her, but make it clear that this will be a bit of a financial stretch, so uniform from the thrift shop and you can't afford extras like school trips abroad etc. Honestly she sounds exactly the sort of person to do babysitting/dog walking or whatever it took if she wanted something.

Also it’s abject nonsense that allowing your DD to take up an academic scholarship is ‘unfair’ to your other children as it’s not certain your others could win the same offer.

What’s the logical extent of that - no selection for elite sports for a highly skilled child because their sibling isn’t as good as football/ tennis? No sleepovers or parties for one child as another one finds it harder to make friends?

Give them all the love and encouragement you can equally of course but it’s life, just life that as they get into their teens they will start to have different experiences and achievements

Does the school run its own bus service? They may be able to discount the cost.

I think you should’ve thought through the financials before applying.

How much are the annual fees after the discount? Can you comfortably afford this?

Fees are likely to increase year on year. Ditto costs of living. 5 years to GCSE is likely to add up to £100k+

I would send her .Are there any relatives who may help? She will be upset if she never gets the chance !

@rookiemere

Your DD sounds tremendously bright and self motivated, I can't imagine having the conversation where you tell her no she can't go because you couldn't afford it if the others got in.

I can absolutely imagine having the conversation where you tell her how proud you are of her, but make it clear that this will be a bit of a financial stretch, so uniform from the thrift shop and you can't afford extras like school trips abroad etc. Honestly she sounds exactly the sort of person to do babysitting/dog walking or whatever it took if she wanted something.

I agree with this

Your dd has done the hard part so far, she’s excited, I really don’t think you should say no

We’ve used a mix of state and private and both can be good if they are the right fit for the child

It sounds good to me as long as your daughter is comfortable with it and happy there. When the time comes, you will find ways to stretch yourself financially for the other two.

Well done to your girl for being accepted and awarded a bursary.

You’ll find others in the same boat or similar. There will be families who have stretched themselves to afford the fees and will not be joining in with trips etc.

You can apply for assistance with trips and independent schools often have thrifty parents who sell their old uniform at the second hand uniform shop onsite.

Have you sat down and discussed this with her? Perhaps outline the situation - you will be different to many of them etc.

It’s an incredible opportunity. Life changing.

How much is the transport and uniform? Are there any trips?

I would be very conscious of wanting her to fit in. You talk about her being eccentric-if she’s eccentric and also doesn’t get things like the latest iPhone, how would she react? My kids are at grammar and the money some of the parents spend on their kids phones/MacBooks/clothes is phenomenal. So many have huge monthly contracts and then get a brand new iPhone every birthday. I would imagine private school is much worse. I know these things shouldn’t matter and I couldn’t give a shit what phone I have, but kids do ultimately often just want to be like their peers. How would she feel if she didn’t have the same stuff? This only gets worse when they get older-some of my DD’s friends have newer cars than mine at 17!

You talk about her needing the small class sizes you get at grammar but my kids are all at grammar and their class sizes are huge! I presume that’s different in private schools though.

This doesn't help you, but this is why we stopped at 2. So we could afford private secondary if needed. I don't think it matters if they go to the same school, but the same amount of resource needs to go into the choosing of the school including the same sacrifices.

There are loads of people who have one child gone all the way through independent school then not been able to do it for the younger one.

I don’t know what they say to explain it to their kids (we ran out?) but in the families that I know, the (now grown up) kids have a great relationship.

Interestingly, they are all eldest child (independently educated) girl. younger one boy.

You've already made this decision when you let her sit the exams. It would be devastating to say she can't go now. Life-long resentment.
Fwiw I agree with that decision, given the area. Children are individuals and one size does not fit all. It's unfair to hold dd back when the younger two are unknown quantities and might not even want to go to the independent school.

@Bigboysmademedoit

I voted YABU at the point where you work in a ‘great school’ - ok for other kids but not yours

Answered this already

I think having presented this as an opportunity to her - which you did by letting her take the exam in the first place - you need to send her. She’ll resent it otherwise. Worry about the other two further down the line.

@Loopytiles

I think you should’ve thought through the financials before applying.

How much are the annual fees after the discount? Can you comfortably afford this?

Fees are likely to increase year on year. Ditto costs of living. 5 years to GCSE is likely to add up to £100k+

This, do the fees increase, and if so, does the bursary/scholarship increase to match? Later years are likely to be more expensive too in terms of extras.

I think you must do what is the best for your daughter now. When your other children reach that stage you do the best for them. Children are a not a one size fits all
My children thrived at different things and I 100% supported their strengths