To send my eldest to grammar school knowing it’ll be a squeeze?

[Troisfoisfilles]

So my eldest just won a place at a really good grammar school in our area to start year 7 in September which is great.
She did so well in the entrance exam and interview that she was offered a scholarship and we have been awarded a brilliant bursary. Only trouble is, the bursary doesn’t cover everything and even the transport and uniform are a huge expense! It’s going to be a massive squeeze on finances. I also have two younger children who will no doubt miss out on little treats and things that I won’t be able to afford any longer 😞.
She is very intelligent and would do well at any school but I know for a fact that she won’t achieve full potential at a state school.
I originally applied for a place for her at the school I teach at. It’s a great school and she would do ok there but I don’t want just ok for her. For a start, she’s really quite eccentric and mature for her age. Kids similar to this at my school don’t really go down that well and are singled out by the others - kids are horrid!
I really believe she needs the small classes, discipline and pushiness she’d get at a grammar.
So am I being unreasonable in sending her?

I think unless you know you could definitely do it for your other DC then no and it sounds to me like you can't. It must be a very difficult dilemma but I do think children can reach their potentials anywhere. My friends and I went to a really rough secondary school, we were all top set and have gone on to become doctors, teachers, solicitors, scientists etc. You find your people.

Honestly I don't think it's a good idea to make your child the poor kid at a private school - as you say, kids are horrid!
If the uniform and transport are a stretch, how will you fund the school skiing trips and educational visits to New York?
How will she keep up with her friends in terms of hobbies, clothes, phones, laptops?
That's going to be a huge pressure.

All the private secondaries round here style themselves as grammars (and they do require the 11+ as well as £££s), but some are apparently pickier than others about how well you need to do to get in.

I admire the confidence (/stupidity) of all the PPs telling OP (who has said she is a teacher) that it is not a grammar school because it charges fees.

Not all grammars are state funded. There are plenty of fee paying grammars.

I would send her and make the financial sacrifices if you possibly can. She obviously passionately want to go there. You will be able to buy some of the uniform second hand and perhaps grandparents might help?

I would take the plunge. It sounds like a good fit for your daughter and if she was motivated enough to pass without tutoring I think you should give it a go. I don’t agree that you have to offer the same for every child as not all of them need the exact same schooling for things to be equal.

Think about how you could possibly fund the extras and budget for them throughout the year.

I agree with @busyeatingbiscuits
Private schools have bullies too and I have personal experience of being regarded as "poor" by a class full of kids whose parents pick them up in a fancy car, who go on multiple foreign holidays, whose parents kit them out in all the designer brands and who get to go on all the fantastically expensive UK and foreign school trips.
If you are (understandably) worrying about money now, you can't afford it and you certainly won't be able to offer the opportunity to siblings.

If your DD has lots of academic potential and has won a place at a selective school, when you live in a deprived area, I would absolutely do all I could to send her there.

Where there's a will, there's a way.

Don't sacrifice her future.

Your other DC are young enough you can save for them as well.

@User0610134049

Why do you keep calling it a grammar school? Does it have that word in its name? Sorry I know not the point of the thread but am just interested as I think it’s confusing 😆 It’s just that grammar schools are generally understood to be something completely different to what you’re talking about.

But there is a private school round here with grammar in its name so maybe that’s why you keep doing it 🤔

In answer to your question…: I suppose you have to look at whether you can really afford it in the round, taking all your children’s needs into consideration. Plus possible rise in earnings for you vs rise in cost of living

The town I grew up in has town ,name grammar school ,it's and independent school and there hasn't been state Grammar schools since the 1970,s in that area however the school opened in the 1800,s and has always been called Grammar school.

Absolutely not if it’s going to have a measurable negative impact on the rest of the family’s life. If she’s clever, she’ll do well anywhere.

You have to be able to offer a similar private education opportunity to the other children - whether it is a selective independent school or less academic independent - you simply cannot send just one child to independent school - you are creating division amongst siblings and a lifelong therapy journey for those left at state school

Unless you can absolutely guarantee that the school will also give you the same level of financial subsidy for your other two kids, don't do it.

You're already talking about making sacrifices just for the uniform. And that's not something you buy once - children grow an enormous amount in their teenage years.

What if your other girls pass the exam and you have to say that although you've paid for Alice to go, you called afford to send Belinda or Claire so tough

Personally I think you would be mad not to try and make this work. Getting the fees covered is such a big thing. With the uniform - my kids are at an independent school and there is a second hand uniform shop run by the mums which is used by many of us. There is no stigma to it at all. Nor do the kids care or necessarily know who is on a busary.

I think the fact that your DD was self motivated enough to find out about the school, get you to put her up for it and then win a coveted place is awesome. It would seem such a shame not to let her go to a school she loves if there was any way to make it happen. Well done her (and you!)

Not all grammars are state funded. There are plenty of fee paying grammars.

Those are called selective private schools.

You say yourself it is a very deprived area - what do you think the state secondaries are like compared to the independent grammar? Both in terms of facilities and peers?

What proportion of the fees will you have to pay? And how long is the bursary for - eg will she have to qualify for it each year?

@Maireas

Just remember that bullying happens at private as well as at state schools. She may well thrive, but she'll still be the person that she is. The other question really is about the affordability and what happens when your other two children go to secondary school.

That sounds a little bit victim blaming.

“Being the person she is” is fine and doesn’t mean bullying is inevitable.

I think it would be dreadful if you refused to let your smart, motivated daughter go to a school she’d researched and fallen in love with, particularly when she knows she’s scored very high in the entrance exam and won a scholarship. It would be very hard for her not to resent you in the future.

I think you can also talk about it as her choice to your other children. It’s not you choosing to prioritise her over them; she did this all by herself and you can highlight that you are very proud, and will support them in whatever makes them happy in the same way.

I don’t think you have any choice now but send her - you’ve opened up the opportunity by letting her apply and I imagine there would be a lot of resentment if you then said no. Where are her friends going?

I would not sacrifice this opportunity for your daughter because there is a small chance your younger children can also go to this school.

To get all the fees covered is massive.

Words of wisdom from my grandmother:
Always get the best health care you can afford and the best education you can afford because they are yours for a lifetime.

@AlandAnna

I don’t think you have any choice now but send her - you’ve opened up the opportunity by letting her apply and I imagine there would be a lot of resentment if you then said no. Where are her friends going?

And what about if the second kid passes the exam but the school only gives one bursary per family?

@Mischance

I hope the two younger ones will not miss out on the same education, rather than just "little treats". What you do for one you have to be prepared to do for the others, who will likely not get scholarships.

I do understand your wish to do what you see as your best for your DD, but you cannot make this decision without taking the others into consideration. A hard decision.

They might not be academic.

I think people are overlooking the fact that the other option is the ‘great’, presumably free school the OP herself teaches at — and that her daughter apparently needs what the OP imagines to be the ‘discipline’ and ‘pushiness’ of the fee-paying school. If her daughter needs to be ‘pushed’, then surely it’s not a matter of a brilliant child cramping at the bit, it’s someone who lacks self-discipline.

I wouldn't to be honest. My friend did this for her DD (only child so no sibling rivalry) and she has found that although she can stretch to the uniform, school trips etc it is so much more than that. Most of her DD's friends are from well off families and my friend has got in so much debt trying to keep up with it, so that her daughter doesn't miss out. her DD is a clever kid and started of well at this school but in the later years is an absolute nightmare, bunking off, not doing homework etc etc - she often says she would have been better to send her to the local comp as the outcome would have been exactly the same.