To not understand what's wrong with the word "No"?

[MoltenLasagne]

Last week I was mum-shamed at a baby class for using the word "no". Basically my baby went to snatch off another child and I said "no" and distracted him with something else. Another mother in the group then said she didn't believe in using the word no and looked at me like I'd just handed my baby a tin of coke and a bag of chips.

Sadly my only response to that was "oh" and I've been brewing on it ever since. I can't decide if I'm pissed off or bemused, but mostly I don't understand what on earth is wrong with the word "no" and I'm clearly massively behind on some parenting insights.

Anyway I'm going back to the class tomorrow and this woman is blatantly going to be there so I'd like to understand exactly what I'm missing!
Is there something wrong with the word no?
YABU - I don't use the word no with my kids because (and please explain!)
YANBU - this woman is inventing stuff, it's a totally normal word and you don't need to feel like a dreadful mother.

I think she’s right, it’s really bad parenting to use any negative words. I’ve banned the word no in my house, and also anything like never, can’t, won’t, don’t.

If I want to distract them from bad behaviour, I gently waft a feather in their direction to redirect their attention.

It teaches my children to be calm, delicate little possums and i know I’m a better parent than anyone else.

(Ps just joking, that’s nuts!)

Argh she's a fool

Not because that's her parenting practise necessarily, to each their own, but for commenting on yours?!

No isn't harmful, I definitely use a firm no when required and it's very easily understood. If my child was to hit another, and I distracted with a toy, I would see that as bad parenting, they do need boundaries set, and to me offering a toy or taking them to look out of a window is sort of avoiding setting boundaries and is kind of rewarding the behaviour

I hope her child grows up to understand consent

I try to say something like no, you can't snatch that but you can play with this. But that's now mines older and if I keep saying no and just no you can't do that then they won't know what they can do.

YANBU.

There is nothing wrong with saying no to children, although recently it seems that some parents think it will scar them for life. It's often a PITA having to deal with these children in public, honestly.

If I want to distract them from bad behaviour, I gently waft a feather in their direction to redirect their attention.

I think your 'oh' was a perfect response actually.

If she tries it again, I'd be inclined to say "don't you? How interesting." with an extremely uninterested face.

No is fine.

I say NO and I follow it up with No means No.

No-one has yet died but my word is the law. I won't be negotiating with a eight year old. What's more , I think children benefit from knowing someone in their world is in charge.

All people need to hear and understand "no". I'm all for distracting but it goes alongside the "no, we don't hit/snatch/throw things".

It's "gentle parenting", talking about big feelings and natural consequences rather than punishment for bad behaviour etc. No is practically the c word! YANBU in any way, each person has their own parenting style and none of them are the right way. My little ones first word was "noooo" though so I may not be the right person to give an answer

You should have just added a 'k' very slowly after your 'oh' and looked at her like you suspect she is slightly deranged.

@ShirleyPhallus

I think she’s right, it’s really bad parenting to use any negative words. I’ve banned the word no in my house, and also anything like never, can’t, won’t, don’t.

If I want to distract them from bad behaviour, I gently waft a feather in their direction to redirect their attention.

It teaches my children to be calm, delicate little possums and i know I’m a better parent than anyone else.

(Ps just joking, that’s nuts!)

Omg I totally fell for this at the beginning!

Is this actually a thing though? I'd never heard of it before but she said it with that tone that implied I was awful and that everyone knew that you shouldn't say it.

Can't say no any more!!!! No wonder todays children are such spoilt, badly behavedittle shits. Just look at the parents.

It's a thing in gentle parenting. You're supposed to negotiate with your child about everything, I think is the belief.

It's all very well protecting a child from the word no, but what happens when they're faced with the real world, and someone in school or a park or a shop says no to them? Shock and horror?

I also think, for older than toddler children, the distraction technique is OK in the short term but not the long term. How does a child learn to regulate their own impulses if whenever they reach for something an adult distracts them? Children need to learn some self control at some point.

It's fine to say no. A few things can be an issue with overuse of "no" however:

1. Not explaining why, so the kid doesn't learn
2. Saying (shouting) "no" a hundred times a day so the child doesn't listen to an emergency "no", when most of the other "no" uses could have been substituted
3. Causing a pointless tantrum from "no" instead of showing them what you do instead, the positive slant
4. Vocabulary, your child doesn't learn a broad vocabulary nor learn the nuance of expressions from you just using one two letter word.

That said, it's only appropriate to comment on someone's behaviour towards their own child if they are harming them, so she was inappropriate regardless.

Observationally the children in my friendship group who are the happiest are the ones who have had stricter more traditional boundaries - very loving non shouty parents but clear no’s, not much negotiation and not much autonomy over their lives. I started off too floppy floppy with my oldest and it toon until he was 8 to get on track behaviour wise. I took a firmer line with my younger one and it paid dividends.

@ShirleyPhallus

I think she’s right, it’s really bad parenting to use any negative words. I’ve banned the word no in my house, and also anything like never, can’t, won’t, don’t.

If I want to distract them from bad behaviour, I gently waft a feather in their direction to redirect their attention.

It teaches my children to be calm, delicate little possums and i know I’m a better parent than anyone else.

(Ps just joking, that’s nuts!)

You had me going there for a minute

It may have originated from not using phrases like “don’t run into the road” The thought was that the don’t isn’t heard. Instead it’s better to make a positive statement like “stay on the path” .
There are many times when a firm no is absolutely needed though.

Ridiculous. whats its supposed to achieve?

My sister takes a gentle parenting approach. Having a 2.5 year old throw things at me while his mother ineffectually asks him if they need to have a conversation (rather than saying no and taking the toys off him/ removing him from the situation) was an excellent illustration of what is wrong with that approach.

My (not for much longer) H seems to have decided to take a gentle parenting approach to the SC too. Which is to say he’s too scared to tell them off or impose any consequences. The results are not fun.

Are you BU? No!

OK off to Google gentle parenting.

Fwiw I think I'd describe myself as a very nice parent but my kid is not yet 1 so he pretty much only understands no, food, cat, car.

I do agree with gentle parenting and redirection for babies and infants but certainly wouldn't criticise anyone else for their choices like she did!