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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To not understand what's wrong with the word "No"?

248 replies

MoltenLasagne · 03/03/2022 18:28

Last week I was mum-shamed at a baby class for using the word "no". Basically my baby went to snatch off another child and I said "no" and distracted him with something else. Another mother in the group then said she didn't believe in using the word no and looked at me like I'd just handed my baby a tin of coke and a bag of chips.

Sadly my only response to that was "oh" and I've been brewing on it ever since. I can't decide if I'm pissed off or bemused, but mostly I don't understand what on earth is wrong with the word "no" and I'm clearly massively behind on some parenting insights.

Anyway I'm going back to the class tomorrow and this woman is blatantly going to be there so I'd like to understand exactly what I'm missing!
Is there something wrong with the word no?
YABU - I don't use the word no with my kids because (and please explain!)
YANBU - this woman is inventing stuff, it's a totally normal word and you don't need to feel like a dreadful mother.

OP posts:

LINABE · 03/03/2022 19:14

@Shehasadiamondinthesky

Can't say no any more!!!! No wonder todays children are such spoilt, badly behavedittle shits. Just look at the parents.

This. A thousand times over. And this has been going on for over 20 years. Those kids are now adults and amongst us. No surprise at all that the Country has gone to the dogs in many ways.

stimpyyouidiot · 03/03/2022 19:14

I also utter the phrases 'you can't have everything you want' and 'too bad, so sad' a lot, for some variety

LemonJuiceFromConcentrate · 03/03/2022 19:17

One day she’ll look back and know she was being a twat.

JackieDaytonaHumanBarTender · 03/03/2022 19:22

Children need to hear the word no. They will hear it in life and need to be able to appropriately react to it.

They need to understand that it is a word that they can use and should use for their safety and well being.

I work with children and I do try to use more positive language to make the behaviour I want to see very clear to them, but I have to say no sometimes and I will!

InvincibleInvisibility · 03/03/2022 19:23

We were visiting my DB. I said "no" to my 4 year old and my 2 year old nephew burst into tears. I said kindly that he wasn't doing anything wrong, it was my DS who had picked up something he shouldn't. DN just cried and my DB told me that we mustn't use the "n" word

Fast forward 6 years. Well, they have to bribe DN with food to do anything and he is spoilt rotten.

Cotswoldmama · 03/03/2022 19:26

Children need to hear the word no and be able to use it themselves! How is that possible it they're never told no?! I say no a lot! As others have said it's important to learn about consent and boundaries as early as possible.

Isgooglebroken · 03/03/2022 19:27

Once their child is older, the best reply to that is 'ah that explains a lot'

Original poster

MoltenLasagne · 03/03/2022 19:27

Thank you all, I feel less like an ogre now and I'm very glad it's not just me being behind! I've had a read of some gentle parenting things on Instagram. Some are things I already do, some actually sound quite good but a fair few just sound a bit bonkers tbh. Don't think I'll be following any of the accounts though.

OP posts:

hangrylady · 03/03/2022 19:30

Lol. She'll regret that in a few years when she has an entitled little brat on her hands.

Frannibananni · 03/03/2022 19:30

Refusing to use the word no is just setting your child up to fail socially. Poor child.

PonyPatter44 · 03/03/2022 19:33

So what do you do when the child says 'no', and refuses to put their wellies on or share their cake? Do you just clamp your hands over your ears in horror?

20viona · 03/03/2022 19:35

She was fucking nuts I must say no a hundred times a day.

iheartmybeachhut · 03/03/2022 19:36

'Gentle parents' are going to be in for some nice surprises as their little entitled darlings grow up and discover the world doesn't revolve around them.
Some of the dc and their parents are a pita in public.

firstimemamma · 03/03/2022 19:37

Call her naughty, that will tip her over the edge!

nagsarse · 03/03/2022 19:39

I help run an activity club for primary school children. You can tell which the 'gentle parenting' children are as they are badly behaved, ignore you and cannot cope if things don't go exactly as they want them to. The parents usually come to the first session with a long list of things their child 'needs' when he/she has no additional needs but is not used to following the rules that everyone else has (eg. being allowed bring toys/eat sweets etc)

Summerbubbles · 03/03/2022 19:39

I know someone that does not allow the word no around her child. She will also not allow any "strangers" to talk to her child. She has been known to actually shout at a man in a supermarket because he dared to ask her child if he was excited for Christmas.

TupilaLilium · 03/03/2022 19:39

This sort of nonsense is only seen around babies. The smugness will be beaten out of most parents. The others will unschool and you’ll never have to bump into them again unless you head to the story telling festival.

HariboBrenshnio · 03/03/2022 19:45

There's a time and a place for no - I usually follow it up with 'no, it's not kind to snatch' but your child is under 1 so than extra would just be for continuity as they get older. No and distract us a good method for snatching/hitting etc. I understand not saying no for no's sake. Plus I use a loud firm no for danger too so they know I mean business.

I'll be interested to see how kids who are never told no turn out as adults because no is a fact of life. I hope to god my daughter doesn't come across a boy/man who's never been told no..

Mamette · 03/03/2022 19:46

My sister aspires to this type of parenting and won’t say no to her DC

… until she has one of her epic freak-outs where she loses her reason entirely. The exorcist comes to mind.

Personally I’d rather be consistent and just say no all day every day then everyone knows where they stand

cadburyegg · 03/03/2022 19:49

YANBU

I know a few parents who don't use the word no. Their children aren't nice to be around

sydenhamhiller · 03/03/2022 19:50

@Invasionofthegutsnatchers

Dear God. I'm an infant school teacher and the number of children who do not respond to 'no', however gently spoken, is shocking. A large group of parents openly admit that the child does what they like at home.

Me too.

I am a very old (49!) parent of 3, and teach y2.

It is a massive shock for a lot of children of my class that they can’t do what they want, when they want, and feel everything is a negotiation. I think every parent should have to be a TA in reception/ y1 to see how their parenting affects the education of the other 29 people in a class…

VelvetChairGirl · 03/03/2022 19:50

Abuser in the making if you ask me, they never understand the word no, its very important to teach kids from as early as possible that no means no, and people shouldnt have to repeat it.

Georgeskitchen · 03/03/2022 19:51

Jesus christ just when you think you've heard every piece of shite ever, along comes another pile of turds

LeftieLucy · 03/03/2022 19:52

Does she have an older child with additional needs?

Speech and language therapy teaches you not to just say No. you’re to explain instead, ie if child was climbing furniture you’d say ‘Jane, feet on the floor’ or if they were eating mud you’d say ‘Jane, do not eat that it’s dirty’ etc.

Obviously you can answer No to the 100th biscuit request but with an explanation why rather than just a shouted No.

Benefit of the doubt she could have meant it in that way?

cuno · 03/03/2022 19:57

That's just absurd and dangerous. It's sending the message that "no" is a bad word. I for one would like my daughter to grow up understanding that it's perfectly fine for her to say "no". What about boundaries and consent?

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