To not understand what's wrong with the word "No"?

[MoltenLasagne]

Last week I was mum-shamed at a baby class for using the word "no". Basically my baby went to snatch off another child and I said "no" and distracted him with something else. Another mother in the group then said she didn't believe in using the word no and looked at me like I'd just handed my baby a tin of coke and a bag of chips.

Sadly my only response to that was "oh" and I've been brewing on it ever since. I can't decide if I'm pissed off or bemused, but mostly I don't understand what on earth is wrong with the word "no" and I'm clearly massively behind on some parenting insights.

Anyway I'm going back to the class tomorrow and this woman is blatantly going to be there so I'd like to understand exactly what I'm missing!
Is there something wrong with the word no?
YABU - I don't use the word no with my kids because (and please explain!)
YANBU - this woman is inventing stuff, it's a totally normal word and you don't need to feel like a dreadful mother.

First off, she absolutely was a dick to say anything about your parenting unless you did something mad like slap your baby! I hope she cringes when she looks back on that moment one day.

On saying no - children need firm boundaries. Perhaps "no" on its own isn't particularly helpful while kids are still learning as it might not be specific enough for them to start to learn the rules. Maybe "no we don't snatch" might be better. It's really nitpicking though.

I think she only has the one girl, a bit older than my boy - maybe 15 months or so. She's never around the same toys as DS as she's walking so I've never spoken to this woman before. That said, she was off somewhere else anyway when her mother decided to tell me off enlighten me.

I'm going to be watching tomorrow to see what the daughter is like. I've never noticed her being badly behaved so maybe this woman actually is the perfect parent. Or maybe I've just been too focused on DS to notice there's a complete banshee on the loose.

I sort of do this. It's not that I never say "no", we have very firm boundaries, but:

• I'd try and say something more informative: "the baby is playing with that rattle" and I'd reach out to stop my child. As they get older I find they learn the rules faster if you explain beyond "no". Were you saying no to taking the toy, taking any toys at all, touching the baby, or to moving?

• I usually tell them what I do want them to do, not what I don't. "Sit on your chair" not "don't climb on the table". It just gets better results for me.

• When my toddler went through a phase of saying "no" to every request I found that trying to replace the word in my own vocabulary (e.g. "we can watch TV after swimming", not just "no") helped him to learn how to express himself better. Now he will say "I'll brush my teeth when I've parked my cars", instead of just screaming "no".

And finally, when I do say no, they know I really mean it.

The woman at the baby group sounds a bit much though.

I work with children with SEND and no is a very important word.
We have many students who barely speak but all of them know how to say and sign no.
Many students can’t explain themselves properly and it’s important that other students understand if someone says no they need to stop what they’re doing.
Also as they grow up especially young girls need to know it’s ok to say no and not need to explain themselves.

So many women (which we see on MN all of the time) struggle with authority and saying no - that’s where the phrase ‘no is a full sentence’ comes from so it shouldn’t be seen as a negative thing.

I do think it’s good to explain why you’ve said no e.g no, we don’t hit because that’s unkind etc but it depends on the situation and no should be said alongside it so the child doesn’t have to try and work out what the person means.

No is perfectly acceptable, though I think a short explanation of why something is unacceptable where possible, or an alternative if it can be used, makes sense.

The mum who objected would not be able to work with any member of the DUP though, as every answer is no, except at weddings.

@BluebellsGreenbells

Work colleague never used the word NO to her son, he’s currently in year 4 - attendee a special school setting, which starts at 9 and parents are required to collect them for lunch 12/1 and return them to the school for the afternoon. She’s run ragged and may have to quit work.

Wonder who’s suffering the consequences for this?

you don't seriously think that a child has to go to a half-day special school setting because his parents weren't strict enough with him as a child? You think that he's so spoilt that he's become disabled???

So what happens if their child touches a hot iron, or runs into the road. Do they not say "No". I don't know what other word they'd replace it with, in an emergency?! E.g. please don't touch that, is too long. A sharp No, is needed in certain situations.

you don't seriously think that a child has to go to a half-day special school setting because his parents weren't strict enough with him as a child? You think that he's so spoilt that he's become disabled???
I assumed that she meant a PRU.

Would calling that parent a snowflake be appropriate?

Negotiate with a baby? Get a grip. Boundaries are so important for any child. It helps them grow into decent people not spoilt, entitled little sh*ts. Nobody wants to be friends with the brat!

My HV at my sons 2 year check said about using the word no and do I use it etc. I said yes and I will continue to use it too. She said about using different words. No thanks, I'm good.

No means no. It's not going to traumatise my child because I said no to him. Sure he might have a wobbly about it and I will keep using the word no.

If we don't teach our children to understand 'no', then how are they supposed to know how to use it themselves when they're older?!

Otherwise it makes it so difficult when they go into an educational setting

Wow! Is that a thing now ? My son has special needs and knows right from wrong! Of course you have to tell them no and mean it. What if they put their hand in something dangerous ffs !
She is a loon! She can do what she wants with her child but tell her next time not to tell you what to do with yours !

I work with children, the vast majority of them recently seem to have never heard the word no at home.

It shows and it does not make them much fun to look after.

Next time reply with “Yes… I can tell.”

Loads of people blaming this on gentle parenting but it's more to do with people going down the permissive parenting route (often not meaning to). Of course you set boundaries with your child with gentle parenting.

@notacooldad

you don't seriously think that a child has to go to a half-day special school setting because his parents weren't strict enough with him as a child? You think that he's so spoilt that he's become disabled??? I assumed that she meant a PRU.

Well she said special school, but an eight year old in a PRU due entirely to parenting which isn't strict enough??? It doesn't sound likely.

What sounds far more likely is a disability which requires a non-standard parenting style e.g. autism being entirely misunderstood by uninformed judgemental people.

I’d have been hard pushed not to spit the proverbial tea out with laughter.

What a daft twat. I bet her offspring are the “little shits” of the near future.

@Susu49

I hope her child grows up to understand consent

Quote this at her. Her head will explode at the contradictions it will generate. My child must be gently coached into alternative patterns and avoid the negativity no engenders vs My child will allow sexual assault sometime in the future because they don't know how to say no.

It will be system overload

It's all gone nuts. I went to visit a childhood friend a few years back. Her mum had been a bit alternative in the early 80s so I wondered how similar my friend would be. eg My friend's packed lunches used to consist of sandwiches made with homemade wholewheat bread, and YOGHURT! I think this was when yoghurts were quite exotic, and even before the Prize Guys advert. She was probably horrified at my ham sandwich on cheap white bread plus kitkat.

Anyway, I digress......When I met up with my friend she'd clearly taken after her mum in lots of ways (let the cat roam round the kitchen worktops licking the cake that she'd left out, and then offered me another piece later on!!). The main parenting thing I noticed was when I complimented her 2 year old son when he did something (a little achievement - building a tall tower of bricks or something). I said "Oh, fantastic - how clever!" or "what a clever boy you are!" or something like that.

My friend looked at me and said "Oh we don't use the word clever." I was so taken aback I didn't know how to answer and didn't even think I could ask why so I just changed the subject, but honestly, for the rest of the visit I couldn't relax for fear of putting my foot in it inadvertently.

I do wonder how the kids will grow up because when she was a teen she was a bit of a rebel and thought her parents were so square.

The No thing is an easy one - you immediately tell people like that it's important they know what a clear boundary is, and to understand the proper use of the word No, because of the whole consent thing, particularly when they're a bit older. Diversion techniques if used wrongly on children must surely have negative effects later on when a pushy teenage boy tries it on with a girl who doesn't want to take things further. Never heard the word no so doesn't know it means an absolute "just bloody stop it, I don't want you to do that!"

LIkewise if a girl grows up never hearing it used properly, is she likely to use it herself, if she's been told the word " no" is too negative and a BAD THING.

@Susu49

I hope her child grows up to understand consent

This was my first thought as well. How do we learn that no means no if it's not taught to us?

There's always some bullshit amongst baby group mums. Give it a year and in the meantime just smile and nod.

I think ‘No’ is fine but I didn’t use it with my autistic children. Just set them right off. I used to use diversion instead so I’d just get them into doing something else.

Another mother in the group then said she didn't believe in using the word no

Ask to get back to you when her children are teenagers and let you know how well never saying no went.

I got told off for using the word ‘silly’ at a group by a parent. My baby had accidentally bumped a toy on their head, and I said, whilst picking them up for a cuddle, ‘come here you silly sausage’.