To not understand what's wrong with the word "No"?

[MoltenLasagne]

Last week I was mum-shamed at a baby class for using the word "no". Basically my baby went to snatch off another child and I said "no" and distracted him with something else. Another mother in the group then said she didn't believe in using the word no and looked at me like I'd just handed my baby a tin of coke and a bag of chips.

Sadly my only response to that was "oh" and I've been brewing on it ever since. I can't decide if I'm pissed off or bemused, but mostly I don't understand what on earth is wrong with the word "no" and I'm clearly massively behind on some parenting insights.

Anyway I'm going back to the class tomorrow and this woman is blatantly going to be there so I'd like to understand exactly what I'm missing!
Is there something wrong with the word no?
YABU - I don't use the word no with my kids because (and please explain!)
YANBU - this woman is inventing stuff, it's a totally normal word and you don't need to feel like a dreadful mother.

Haha!! Good luck to her with this! She will be rolling her eyes and muttering FFS when they are teenagers (like the rest of us)

Can you imagine what your child would be like as an adult we’re they only ever told yes?

Vladimir Putin was probably never told “no”.

Seriously, people who never say no to their children are banking an whole lot of trouble.

@ShirleyPhallus

I think she’s right, it’s really bad parenting to use any negative words. I’ve banned the word no in my house, and also anything like never, can’t, won’t, don’t.

If I want to distract them from bad behaviour, I gently waft a feather in their direction to redirect their attention.

It teaches my children to be calm, delicate little possums and i know I’m a better parent than anyone else.

(Ps just joking, that’s nuts!)

Hook, line and sinker l fell for this!!

Oh dear God, pity the poor teachers who'll be dealing with these precious sunflowers and their parents in a few years time. One of the many reasons I'm retiring!

yeah right. Some of our friends didn't use the word "no" with their daughter. She became terrible. Ar parties she wouldn't let the other children have cake, she started having sexual relationships at the age of 14 and when she was 16 they let her go on vacation in an Eastern European country with her boyfriend's family even though they had dated for less than a month. She never did much homework or any chores at all. Couldn't say "no" to her spending all leisure time online ir watching telly

I find that it us child abuse to never use the word "No".

People who never hear that word find it difficult to keep jobs, friends and family.

I used to be a childminder. For years it seemed that at least every other month or so the 'powers that be ' would come out with some bollocks. You couldn't say this, that or the other. You couldn't do this, that or the other. One of the ridiculous courses that I went on said that if 3 year old wanted to draw all over your living room walls with a pen, you should let them.
I had to say "sorry but not in my house." Several others then added "nope nor mine". Didn't make me popular with the people running the course though. But hey ho.

@grapewines

It's a thing in gentle parenting. You're supposed to negotiate with your child about everything, I think is the belief.

Hilarious

Never heard the word no so doesn't know it means an absolute "just bloody stop it, I don't want you to do that!"
Children will hear and understand what "no" means, regardless of how much or how little a parent uses it. Underuse can lead to kids being brats before others push them into shape. However it's overuse leading to inconsistency that's much more likely to cause an issue with not understanding boundaries. The example above of the sister who has a meltdown, that's the type of inconsistency that really causes problems. Problems start when no only means no if you didn't have a big enough tantrum, sneak off to do it more quietly or negotiate the way through.

not using the word 'no' with your child is permissive parenting, not gentle or respectful parenting.

we tend to follow gentle/respectful parenting but we have clear boundaries and do use the word no, but try not to overuse it.

I have a friend who I thought followed a similar style of parenting to us but the boundaries are very lacking. if my DS hit someone, I'd block (if possible) and say 'no, I can't let you do that' and if he kept doing it I'd say 'you're having trouble not hitting so we're going home to keep everyone safe'. I wouldn't punish him and id allow him to express his feelings. my friend talks about feelings to her DD when she hits, and also never removes her from the situation. and also has previously encouraged her DD to hug the child who was hit. my DS is pretty sociable and doesn't hit/kick/bite, her DD hits or pushes other kids every time we see them.

I do find gentle or respectful parenting to be pretty effective, but I still use the word no

@Shehasadiamondinthesky

Can't say no any more!!!! No wonder todays children are such spoilt, badly behavedittle shits. Just look at the parents.

This in spades , these are the familys we dread in childcare / school settings.

No

Disneyblueeyes

grapewines
It's a thing in gentle parenting. You're supposed to negotiate with your child about everything, I think is the belief.“

No. You don’t negotiate with tyrants.

@notthemum

I used to be a childminder. For years it seemed that at least every other month or so the 'powers that be ' would come out with some bollocks. You couldn't say this, that or the other. You couldn't do this, that or the other. One of the ridiculous courses that I went on said that if 3 year old wanted to draw all over your living room walls with a pen, you should let them. I had to say "sorry but not in my house." Several others then added "nope nor mine". Didn't make me popular with the people running the course though. But hey ho.

Who would want their dc doing this - just no

Negotiate with your child ? Jog with that idea, who is supposed to be in charge ? The parent? Obviously not. These people have never had to deal with teenagers. They will be in for a shock when their little darling is bigger than them and telling them to 'piss off i'm going out to all night parties!'

I was that mum. I was an IDIOT.

A certain Russian leader was a child once, he obviously had 'gentle parenting'.

@ShirleyPhallus

I think she’s right, it’s really bad parenting to use any negative words. I’ve banned the word no in my house, and also anything like never, can’t, won’t, don’t.

If I want to distract them from bad behaviour, I gently waft a feather in their direction to redirect their attention.

It teaches my children to be calm, delicate little possums and i know I’m a better parent than anyone else.

(Ps just joking, that’s nuts!)

you might want to revisit this once you have teens

She's an idiot. I have taught a lot of kids whose parents should have said no to them a hell of a lot more often.

This is another example of people taking half of a good thing,taking it to an extreme and then just running with it.

Yes it is better to rephrase things in a positive way. So "inside voices" instead of "don't shout", "walking please/thank you" instead or "don't run" , "come sit with me" instead of "stop fucking bouncing off the walls you lunatic!". You get the point. The main ideas are that the don't/no at the beginning of the instructions sometimes gets lost and it breaks a negative constant cycle where "you never let me do anything wail". You reinforce the behaviours you want to see through example and repetition of language.Especially at a younger age where I swear they're half suicidal. The other half is about destroying.. ermmm learning and exploring. In combination with giving appropriate,reasonable choices and natural consequences (again when appropriate) it's a pretty good way to let the kids grow,learn and still having boundaries and raise decent kids with less conflict.

That being said of course there's a time and place for No! , and that is a lot more common and often than some people would admit. It's short, it's direct, it's clear and necessary in plenty of situations.

Most people find a good balance of both, without giving it a name or labelling it as a technique. They just parent. Extremes aren't good for anyone , especially not for the kids.

Ime gentle parenting doesn't produce children with good manners so it's a no from me.

I'm afraid I always do a massive eye roll at "gentle parenting" because I associate it with children who rock up at school with no boundaries and a parent who complains every time we attempt to create some.
It's a shame really because I actually agree with a fair few of the "gentle parenting" ideas.
I'd be interested to meet her again in about 4 years and see how your children are getting along op

Ha, "no" is perfectly fine to use! It can be helpful obviously to explain a bit more than just "no" (although at 1, who knows what they can understand). My 1 yo shakes her head to herself when she goes near something she knows she shouldn't touch (although still bloody grabs whatever it is!) so it's obviously something I use regularly!

Gentle parenting and permissive parenting are not the same thing.

We do gentle parenting - sort of by default because neither of us raises our voices much (we've never had a shouting match - we just don't communicate like that). It doesn't mean that DD is never told 'No' or that she doesn't get told not to do something. She's three. That would be insane. We do tend to provide an explanation for why she shouldn't or can't do something, but 'No' is still a common word in our interactions!

Friend works in a primary school. They have had to add a section into their talk for new reception parents on the importance of saying no and meaning it. The children are practically feral when they start and are absolutely astonished when the teacher says no and expects the behaviour to stop. They have never heard the word.

@ShirleyPhallus

I think she’s right, it’s really bad parenting to use any negative words. I’ve banned the word no in my house, and also anything like never, can’t, won’t, don’t.

If I want to distract them from bad behaviour, I gently waft a feather in their direction to redirect their attention.

It teaches my children to be calm, delicate little possums and i know I’m a better parent than anyone else.

(Ps just joking, that’s nuts!)

😂😂😂 Until your last paragraph you really had me going there @ShirleyPhallus