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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not understand what's wrong with the word "No"?

248 replies

MoltenLasagne · 03/03/2022 18:28

Last week I was mum-shamed at a baby class for using the word "no". Basically my baby went to snatch off another child and I said "no" and distracted him with something else. Another mother in the group then said she didn't believe in using the word no and looked at me like I'd just handed my baby a tin of coke and a bag of chips.

Sadly my only response to that was "oh" and I've been brewing on it ever since. I can't decide if I'm pissed off or bemused, but mostly I don't understand what on earth is wrong with the word "no" and I'm clearly massively behind on some parenting insights.

Anyway I'm going back to the class tomorrow and this woman is blatantly going to be there so I'd like to understand exactly what I'm missing!
Is there something wrong with the word no?
YABU - I don't use the word no with my kids because (and please explain!)
YANBU - this woman is inventing stuff, it's a totally normal word and you don't need to feel like a dreadful mother.

OP posts:
Bouledeneige · 03/03/2022 21:51

Oh that's nuts. It's impossible to parent never saying no and it's not good for your child. They need to understand they don't run into the road, jump off cliffs, undo their seatbelt, hit or bite other people from their peers to their Mum. Of course we all try to parent positively but there do need to be some boundaries. No wonder some young people grow up without any resilience or ability to cope with pressure or disappointment.

UndertheCedartree · 03/03/2022 21:52

I don't think you are unreasonable. However, I did read an article when my pfb was a baby about how using the word 'no' and modelling resistance and a negative stance lead to the DC using the word 'no' and being resistant etc as a toddler! Well, I decided to follow it. Now, when I had my second I'd forgotten all about this! Well, my pfb did indeed not really use 'no' and wasn't really stubborn or anything, did as he was told in general! My youngest...her first word was, you guessed it 'no'! And if she says 'no' she means it! It could be complete coincidence, of course!

Chloemol · 03/03/2022 22:13

She’s nuts.

The kid will be told no at school, and will certainly be told no in the workplace

BogRollBOGOF · 03/03/2022 22:36

I've always used no alongside positive instructions and reasons where appropriate.

DCs are 8 & 11 now and generally well behaved and certainly know boundaries at school and other settings and behave well there. I've very rarely had issues (despite DS1's SNs) and on those rare occasions (normally involving organisation rather than concious behaviour choices) there's always been a sensible dialogue with staff and my child. My DCs aren't perfect but they seem to be doing well at turning into decent members of society.

I've done youth work and teaching with young people who clearly don't understand "no" and normal boundaries and it's hard work dealing with them and their parents. The children aren't even necessarily unpleasant but they can be relentless and domineering. The most extreme one had a mum that would limply say "no" 3 times then give in. On one camp the child repeatedly badgered each leader over an issue that we'd been clear about from the begining and was stunned by halfway through the day that no one was giving in and we all steadfastly said "no" and reminded them of the boundaries. We got there in the end. Fortunately the parent was peemissive enough not to kick up a fuss. The nightmares are the ones that won't accept their responsibilities nor allow any one else to be responsible.

maeveiscurious · 03/03/2022 22:39

It's crunchy parenting ask her about her red light bulbs Grin

Dixiechickonhols · 03/03/2022 22:41

Saying no as you did is perfectly normal and sensible. I’d sit near someone else!

mogsrus · 03/03/2022 22:44

She didn’t believe in the word No, so it’s her problem ,not yours move on, it’s your child not hers, weird

ChiefWiggumsBoy · 03/03/2022 23:16

I really hate the whole judgemental feeling of 'gentle' parenting. I would say I'm a gentle parent, I don't manhandle my kids or yell at them, and we hug each other often. But I wouldn't describe myself as a 'gentle' parent.

I know this is my issue Grin but still it bugs me!

Oh - and to answer your question, she's going to regret that decision when her darling daughter is older!

Eskarina1 · 03/03/2022 23:28

This brings back memories of the child in one of my toddler groups who would toddle round hitting other children while his mum tried to distract him. When he pushed another child into a door and she was really upset, we all started telling him no whenever he went near another child. She was asked to leave a couple of weeks later.

More importantly, children need to learn the word no for themselves. It was my son's absolute favourite word when he could first talk. Was he supposed to say "mummy that's a beautiful casserole but can I have some milk instead"? Or perhaps distract me with a dirty nappy so I'd stop trying to feed him? No is an important word, we all need to feel comfortable using it.

Ok this is a pet peeve of mine. I'll breathe now.

EatYourVegetables · 03/03/2022 23:48

Hope that turns out great for her in about 18 years.

GraffitiNob · 04/03/2022 00:01

Same first word! She would say a firm NO. Loved saying it. I guess I probably said it to her a fair bit Blush but it just cracks her up now when I remind her (she's preteen now)

RowanAlong · 04/03/2022 00:10

No is great - just follow it up with more words so he understands specifically ‘what’ is no. Ie No snatching, we don’t snatch, we take turns, etc

AnnesBrokenSlate · 04/03/2022 00:23

Meh it's not just gentle parenting or 'crunchy' parenting Hmm There have been parenting books about for years that focus on positive communication. It's based on neuro-linguists.
It's the old 'don't think of a pink elephant' now you've thought of a pink elephant because using don't or no doesn't remove the idea or image. It just reinforces it. So you're better giving a clear direction of what you want your DC to do rather than what you don't want them to do. It's a nice idea but doesn't apply to every single interaction.
She shouldn't have commented on your parenting. That is passive aggressive judgy nonsense and I'd be finding a nursery song with lots of 'no's in it so my DC could sing it non-stop at the next class Grin

RockinHorseShit · 04/03/2022 00:35

Bonkers, but there's always someone with an opinion on how you parent your child

Next time she is so rude as to try & force her views onto you, just look her straight in they eye, grin & say a loud, firm NO!

Flatandhappy · 04/03/2022 00:38

Kids who never hear the word no rarely grow into the kind of children you would be proud to have raised.

pawpaws2022 · 04/03/2022 00:41

This thread just reminded me of a child I saw out with her dad walking a dog (because dad was trying not to say WTF, no). Was washing up with the window open and saw them
Dad "woah! What do we do before we cross the road?!"
Child "SIT!"
Dog sits on pavement
Child sits on pavement
Dad Hmm FFS "well not quite"

I had to duck down as I was doing that silent cry laughing

capstix · 04/03/2022 00:48

My only experience of this is my two much younger cousins. We were never allowed to tell them no and they were both absolute **ing nightmares! Playing with plugs, breaking things, having tantrums if anything was taken away from them for safety.

In fairness, they turned out OK, but we invited them to the bare minimum of family events!

SomePosters · 04/03/2022 00:58

Their kids going to be a terror.

No can be overused and in a bit believer in patient negotiations in their time but we all need to learn take no for an answer!

2020nymph · 04/03/2022 01:07

@Hollyhead

Observationally the children in my friendship group who are the happiest are the ones who have had stricter more traditional boundaries - very loving non shouty parents but clear no’s, not much negotiation and not much autonomy over their lives. I started off too floppy floppy with my oldest and it toon until he was 8 to get on track behaviour wise. I took a firmer line with my younger one and it paid dividends.

We had friends who banned the word no. Their children damaged property every time they visited a house, smeared food every where and they lost friends as people got fed up with the damage. We were at a party and two of her children broke another child's toy while she watched and she said nothing. When it was pointed out she said 'oh', she would just shrug it off and say 'kids will be kids', the eldest particularly struggled at school and with friendships.

Bogeyes · 04/03/2022 04:30

There are plenty of little princes and princesses out there who have never heard the word NO. Look how they develop as adults.....

Bogeyes · 04/03/2022 04:33

Why not ask her if she likes being a granny. That would shut her up.

KeepYaHeadUp · 04/03/2022 04:38

@Theresamagicalplace @grapewines

This is a total myth. You absolutely can follow gentle parenting methods and use the word No.

You're thinking of "permissive parenting"

KeepYaHeadUp · 04/03/2022 04:39

@DoNotTouchTheWater

My sister takes a gentle parenting approach. Having a 2.5 year old throw things at me while his mother ineffectually asks him if they need to have a conversation (rather than saying no and taking the toys off him/ removing him from the situation) was an excellent illustration of what is wrong with that approach.

My (not for much longer) H seems to have decided to take a gentle parenting approach to the SC too. Which is to say he’s too scared to tell them off or impose any consequences. The results are not fun.

This isn't gentle parenting. It's permissive.
KeepYaHeadUp · 04/03/2022 04:43

@MoltenLasagne - don't read Instagram for gentle parenting advice. Have a look at this: sarahockwell-smith.com/2019/03/11/the-art-of-saying-no-to-children/

KeepYaHeadUp · 04/03/2022 04:49

@AngelinaFibres

Friend works in a primary school. They have had to add a section into their talk for new reception parents on the importance of saying no and meaning it. The children are practically feral when they start and are absolutely astonished when the teacher says no and expects the behaviour to stop. They have never heard the word.
"Practically feral"? Where is this primary school?!
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