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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

About leaving the kids? (I think I probably am)

428 replies

lifeuphigh · 03/03/2022 12:21

Last night DH announced that he would like us to get more time as a couple, including 4 weekends away together each year. His parents live quite far away but would be happy to provide childcare.

For some reason the whole thing really stressed me out. The DC are 8, 6 and 3 and I've had 3 nights away from them since the oldest was born, only 1 of which I actually enjoyed. I love going out for the day/evening with DH but for some reason I just don't like the thought of being away from the DC overnight. DH travels a lot for work so he is quite used to being apart from them for extended periods.

I know I should feel grateful that we have the childcare offer, but I don't. Should I give my head a wobble or do other people feel like this too?!

OP posts:
moita · 03/03/2022 12:23

No, I'm the same! I want to go on holiday as a family otherwise I'd have remained childless..

pitterpatterrain · 03/03/2022 12:24

That’s quite an either/or

Perhaps start with one night away close to his parents and see how it goes

I have in the past traveled for work weekly but tbh what makes me relaxed is that they are with DH. DH’s parents wouldn’t be able to do this (elderly) and my DF once they are older may be able to cope for 1-2 nights but going from nothing all the way is a big change all round

Lastqueenofscotland · 03/03/2022 12:24

I personally don’t think four weekends away is much at all!! Especially at their ages

Strawberriesinsummer · 03/03/2022 12:26

I wouldn’t be happy either.

LifeInAHamsterWheel · 03/03/2022 12:26

I agree with your DH that it's important for a couple to have quality time together (and it's hard to be intimate with 3 young kids around) an overnight in a nice hotel with a meal and no kids to worry about really does help put the spark back. But you don't have to commit to 4 breaks away, just start with planning one night and see how that goes. The GPs might find it harder work than they imagined and every 3 months is quite a lot in my opinion! Plan one at a time and see how you get on.

Thatsplentyjack · 03/03/2022 12:27

St those ages I think jts fine, and I would probably be OK with it as long as the kids were fine (my 2nd wouldnt have been at 3 or 6 really, and i think the third is going to be the same) if you dont want to though, just say no 🤷‍♀️.

sadpapercourtesan · 03/03/2022 12:27

The issue isn't whether or not it's OK to leave your kids for weekends away - clearly it is, if that's what you want and the childcare is good and available.

The issue is that you don't feel comfortable doing it, and your DH wants to railroad you into it. I think it's incredibly personal, how and when you feel happy to be away from your children. It's an organic process and you have to listen to your own instincts and do what feels right for you. If that's not now for you, then your DH shouldn't be pressurising you.

rattlemehearties · 03/03/2022 12:28

I think it's hard to imagine right now with the youngest so young, but I'd take it bit by bit. One night away really nearby soon and see how you feel? It's obviously important for your relationship.

Blossomtoes · 03/03/2022 12:29

@moita

No, I'm the same! I want to go on holiday as a family otherwise I'd have remained childless..
They’re not planning to go on holiday.

Give it a go @lifeuphigh, I bet you enjoy some childfree time if you try it.

Aroundtheworldin80moves · 03/03/2022 12:29

PILs take DDs a couple of times a year and while I miss them, I also know they are having a whale of a time. (Especially since Grandad is a soft touch at the ice cream shop!)

4 times a year does seem a bit prescriptive, but it is nice having a weekend away for an anniversary or to go to a wedding for example.

Clymene · 03/03/2022 12:30

Maybe start with one and see how you go? How much time do his parents see your kids now?

BlackCoffeeInAPoolOfSunshine · 03/03/2022 12:31

That's a properly strange announcement going from 0 weekends away in 8 years to a line in the sand of "four weekends away together each year".

What happens if you have two weekends away this year - or one, or three? Where has four come from?

Is there a back story? Is this part of marriage counseling? Or out of nowhere? Could he be trying to build up a case in which you look unreasonable due to him being a good husband wanting to work on your relationship, knowing full well that he'll never have to follow through because he can blame you for refusing to leave the kids and go away with him to work on your relationship?

BulletTrain · 03/03/2022 12:31

Maybe not 4 times a year but asking me now, YABU to say never. If you had asked me this question at 2.15am today when I was lying on the floor reading Cat in the Hat to a 3 year old who wanted to see the pages but wouldn't let me put a lamp on... YABVU Grin

PollyPage · 03/03/2022 12:32

He is trying to tell you he needs more. Are you very child centred at home. To be fair, I work away a lot so can't really imagine being home all the time, I do weeks on and weeks off but I genuinely don't think it affects kids. This is about your husband wanting to move away from what the status quo is and trying to maintain your relationship. You are lucky, many just have an affair to get what they need.

PollyPage · 03/03/2022 12:34

I am more seeing his perspective. If home is constant kiddicare and no grown up stuff, my head would fall off and I would eat my feet.

Hobbitfeet32 · 03/03/2022 12:34

Enjoying time away from you children does not make you a bad parent. Try thinking of it from the point of view of the children, they may love a weekend with grandparents. When I was growing I really enjoyed going to stay with mine. It also helped me grow up to realise that my parents also have a life and a relationship that needs to be looked after. Me and my brothers often stayed wigg the relatives or did trips separately with a parent. Life doesn’t have to be so prescriptive, you are still entitled to have a life despite having children.

Fundays12 · 03/03/2022 12:35

I wouldn’t like this either. My kids are 10, 5 and 2.5 years old. The 10 year old has only been away from both of us overnight a handful of times. The 5 year old has been away once overnight from us and the 2 year old once as he was to little to go to the event family asked us to attend. 4 times a year is a lot of you are not used to it so maybe start with one weekend at a time.

ExactlyThis · 03/03/2022 12:35

I feel the same but I have done it a couple of times. It was nice to get away.

PollyPage · 03/03/2022 12:36

If you don't listen to his feelings, you may end up handing them over every other weekend to him and someone else.

SarahBellam · 03/03/2022 12:37

Is he telling you he wants to reconnect with you? Have you gone down a motherhood rabbit hole? Do you talk about anything other than the children? The fact that you’re anxious about going away for a few weekends when you have safe, reliable, childcare and the opportunity to spend some alone time with your DH suggests that he’s feeling sidelined and wants to recreate some of the pre-child magic. Go and enjoy 😊

Original poster
lifeuphigh · 03/03/2022 12:39

We had 2 nights away last year, so it's not going from nothing to full on. He knows I didn't enjoy one of the nights but it was at a fancy hotel and we wouldn't do that again (it was actually organised by his Mum - I hate fancy hotels, he knows that). The other one I did enjoy but, honestly, I think I would've enjoyed it as much/more if the DC had been there.

And he isn't pressuring/railroading me at all, I don't think I said he was in my OP. I just wanted to know if others also felt like this or if my reaction was a bit strange.

BulletTrain Grin Funnily enough when I had a DC waking up what felt like hundreds of times a night I probably would've appreciated the prospect more... they all sleep through now!

OP posts:
Strawberriesinsummer · 03/03/2022 12:39

go and enjoy

But she doesn’t want to. And tbh I can see why, I wouldn’t be happy at being told I’m going away for three weekends a year.

Strawberriesinsummer · 03/03/2022 12:40

@PollyPage

If you don't listen to his feelings, you may end up handing them over every other weekend to him and someone else.
What an unpleasant post.
tootiredtospeak · 03/03/2022 12:41

Just compromise 2 weekends away maybe one in each half of the year. I think as they get older you will really appreciate it and they will get used to being away from you which is good for their development when it comes to school trips away ect

Original poster
lifeuphigh · 03/03/2022 12:41

@SarahBellam Yes I think you've probably hit the nail on the head there. We talk about a lot of things besides the kids but the rest - absolutely.

OP posts:
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