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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

About leaving the kids? (I think I probably am)

428 replies

lifeuphigh · 03/03/2022 12:21

Last night DH announced that he would like us to get more time as a couple, including 4 weekends away together each year. His parents live quite far away but would be happy to provide childcare.

For some reason the whole thing really stressed me out. The DC are 8, 6 and 3 and I've had 3 nights away from them since the oldest was born, only 1 of which I actually enjoyed. I love going out for the day/evening with DH but for some reason I just don't like the thought of being away from the DC overnight. DH travels a lot for work so he is quite used to being apart from them for extended periods.

I know I should feel grateful that we have the childcare offer, but I don't. Should I give my head a wobble or do other people feel like this too?!

OP posts:
Gwegowygwiggs · 05/03/2022 07:14

[quote Waxonwaxoff0]@Gwegowygwiggs some people on here wouldn't go on holiday without their husband. I've seen people on here say they never see friends on weekends because that's family time.[/quote]
It's different strokes for different folks I guess. I am very happily married and see my friends multiple times a week - sometimes with the young children for play dates during the day but often in the evenings for dinner / brunch at the weekend without partners or children. As does my husband. Its healthy for us to do things apart sometimes. Being married doesn't have to mean you give up all other methods of socialising. I'd actually go as far as to say it's actually quite unhealthy to be so mutually dependent on your partner. God forbid anything happened, if you fail to nurture any other relationship in your life then what happens if your DP is no longer around?

MN is a strange old place.

Gwegowygwiggs · 05/03/2022 07:15

@Nelliephant1

Mine are green but still at home and I've never left them overnight, I still won't so I fully understand.
You also need a hobby.
Vynalbob · 05/03/2022 07:30

I agree..... and if you feel pressured you probably won't enjoy it. ..
possibles
as other replies say try once
or
say no
Whichever way you should probably voice your concerns.

SushiRice · 05/03/2022 07:48

This is entirely about compromise.

Your H is telling you your marriage needs devoted couple time. Yes he's being prescriptive but to me that indicates how seriously he feels about it.
Read between the lines here on what he's saying. You might be content and need to be in the vicinity of all three children all the time but he is telling you he needs and wants time alone with you.

It's not just about you in the marriage here. He likes nice hotels, you like bring with kids 24/7. His weekends currently have to be 'your way'. Why not let his have a weekend his way. ?

Hotels vary massively some are uptight and some more relaxed. Maybe you need to try it again. You choose the place. Perhaps some somewhere beautiful with lots of out doors options. Is it that you don't like 'fancy food' he might like?

Why don't you choose, book and make it a surprise for him. Then you could do it one night or nearby to try it.

I'd strongly advise you to do this now.
Three kids who must take all the time up at the weekends, husband who travels/works away, wife who doesn't want to spend weekends away. I could see where this could go...

Glogirl1 · 05/03/2022 08:24

Your husband is saying he wants time with you and is valuing your relationship, for goodness sake, grab it with both hands and appreciate it. Your kids will be fine with their grandmother snd you will be providing a role model to them of what a happy couple relationship looks like. They need to see you and your husband happy, it makes them feel secure. You and your husband need each other too and by looking after each other, you are looking after your kids. You are also letting your kids know you trust them to be ok without you there all the time. Honestly, it's win win!

user1481055867 · 05/03/2022 08:34

@lifeuphigh
This is very personal and not a decision others can make for you.Depends on so many things if you are stay at home mum and dont generally spend time away from your kids then I see why this maybe harder. I worked internationally and had to leave kids with dad sometimes and other times with relatives or nannies.As such was our lifestyle kids were ok with it and ended up citizens of the world themselves.I didnt feel good, sometimes crying as soon as plane takes off, being preoccupied etc, so if you go away and feel this way it would also be normal.As you do it more likely it will become fun as the whole intention is to have a good time with your husband.

I have to disagree with women saying he is railroading you or forcing you, we need to give this man a credit.How many women complain about husbands not wanting do anything with them as a couple, not making an effort or worse going to have an affair.Going down motherhood rabbithole is a textbook reason for men looking elsewhere as they feel they have been abandoned as children were priorotised.He is a man so such rational approach is undestandable that despite him going away alot, he worked out how to have quality time with his wife 4 times a year, this neednt be set in stone, you could negotiate that without making him feel like a bad guy or worse uncaring parent.You are lucky he is taking this step, dont overthink it, kids will be fine.

Frazzledstar1 · 05/03/2022 09:35

Threads like this make me chuckle. So many sanctimonious parents on here ready to make you feel guilty if you don’t spend every waking moment with your kids.

Spending a couple of nights with their grandparents 2/3/4 times a year is not “dumping” them. Lots of grandparents enjoy this time together.

There are 52 weeks a year so even if you did this 4 times, there are still 48 more weekends for family time.

That being said, if you’re really not going to enjoy it don’t do it; it will just be a waste of money.

We don’t do this often due to finances, but on the few occasions we have, the kids have great fun with nanny (I’ve tried to face time with them before and they’ve no interest in talking to us, too much fun being had). I know they are being well cared for either with DM or MIL, I wouldn’t leave them if I didn’t trust them to.

You might find after doing it a few more times you’re more relaxed. Everyone deserves a break.

LuckySantangelo35 · 05/03/2022 10:48

@Gwegowygwiggs A voice of reason! 🙌
Completely agree it’s so important to maintain a social life outside of the marriage

LuckySantangelo35 · 05/03/2022 11:19

@DoorWasAJar
“So gross, ‘perhaps you might like it’ all this weird pressure for OP to do what her DH wants is creepy. Does nobody understand consent any more?”
What’s gross about wanting to go away with your other half for a lovely weekend away?! Presumably OP doesn’t find him gross seeing as she married him and had three kids with him! If it was the other way round and it was the wife who was wanting the weekends away would you still be talking about consent?

CounsellorTroi · 05/03/2022 11:22

If it was the other way round and it was the wife who was wanting the weekends away would you still be talking about consent?

Good point. If it was the wife who was wanting a few weekends away without the kids and the husband refusing, some of the replies on here would be very different.

Original poster
lifeuphigh · 05/03/2022 11:31

No, I don't find DH gross at all! Folks. I've already updated that a)nobody is forcing anyone to do anything and there are no consent issues here; b) I understand the need to compromise; c) we've already booked a weekend away.

I've really appreciated those who have posted on both sides with empathy for the other point of view, it's been very helpful for me.

OP posts:
Dreamstate · 05/03/2022 11:36

If I married a man who i love and wanted to spend rest of my time with, and we had kids and he spent all his time with the kids and we never had alone time, id be wondering why did I get married.

So easy to see how neglecting one relationships results in those people growing apart, the same is said for friendships too. If you have to make the effort.

Otherwise you'll wake up one day kids have left and you have no friends let alone a husband and how many times are there threads saying this...I have no friends now my kids have moved out.

You do whats right for you but remeber there is always consequences to what you do.

He has supported your family time all the time for 8 yeara with the exception of that one weekend you had. And yet you still complain he is asking for 4 weekends, thats less than a week in total. He is only asking 0.02% of the days in a year to have alone time.

When you look at it like that i think that's pretty sad if that is all the alone time you guys get away from your children. Its not even 1% of the year!

Dreamstate · 05/03/2022 11:36

Oh oops I meant its 2% of your year, got my decimal place wrong.

Even still 2% is nothing

LuckySantangelo35 · 05/03/2022 11:53

@moita
“No, I'm the same! I want to go on holiday as a family otherwise I'd have remained childless.”

A) a weekend away isn’t a holiday
B) I like to do both as do clearly lots of other posters. Have family holidays and weekends away with my partner. Also like going away with my friends. Does this mean I shouldn’t have had children?! Im an adult human being first, mum second. My life doesn’t revolve around my kids, but I’m still a good mum.

moita · 05/03/2022 12:21

My life revolved around my kids but they're only 5 and 3 so it won't be forever.

LuckySantangelo35 · 05/03/2022 12:28

@moita

My life revolved around my kids but they're only 5 and 3 so it won't be forever.
@moita But even when your children are young, why does your life HAVE to revolve them? Why can’t you make time for you, for your relationship, and for your friendships as well?
SleepingStandingUp · 05/03/2022 14:19

@moita

My life revolved around my kids but they're only 5 and 3 so it won't be forever.
Life revolving around doesn't mean you have to be constantly with them. Our life revolves around our 6, 2 and 2 year old. No decision is made without their welfare being paramount. It's just that includes DH currently being at the pub whilst I have the three kids cos he needs a break sometimes, me going away in July alone because me ticking things off my bucket list makes me a happier, more fulfilled person. DS going to respite next month is something he loves and so even though I can't stay he's still going. There's more than one way to put your kids first.
SleepingStandingUp · 05/03/2022 14:23

@Nelliephant1

Mine are green but still at home and I've never left them overnight, I still won't so I fully understand.
Grown adults and you don't trust them to be aloje overnight??
SweetPotatoDumpling · 05/03/2022 14:40

OP, I can see you husband's point of view tbh, but maybe not his absolute timeline. I'm not sure why you can't compromise here, or quite why you feel unable to enjoy time away from your children...I don't think that's healthy personally (but obviously, you do you 🤷‍♀️) I'd feel quite stifled if my life revolved entirely around my kids, and I never had time alone to nurture my relationship. I guess your husband feels the same and is just trying to rekindle what you had 'pre-kids' perhaps? Talk to him...see if you can compromise.

Scbchl · 05/03/2022 14:44

We go one weekend away together and a night at a different time. My kids are 17, 12 and 9 now and have been doing it about five years. Four is alot of weekends at that age. I do love getting away though on our own. Could you compromise and do four nights or one weekend?

We take our kids abroad a couple of times a year and weekends/nights away too so they don't get left out.

DoubleMumm · 07/03/2022 13:23

It is good for kids to get some time away from Mum and Dad too. As a single mother I had to leave my child for up to a week for work. My mother was thrilled - getting him all to herself. A wee break does nobody any harm.

AryaStarkWolf · 07/03/2022 15:07

@SpinsForGin

Firstly, nobody is forcing anyone to do anything. Secondly, isn't part of being in a loving relationship doing things to make each other happy which can often involve compromising.

That doesn't make you a stepford wife for goodness sake! 🙄

So odd, I can't believe the word "creepy" and "consent" is being used around a husband asking to spend some time as a couple with his wife :/ wtaf?
AryaStarkWolf · 07/03/2022 15:09

@lifeuphigh

No, I don't find DH gross at all! Folks. I've already updated that a)nobody is forcing anyone to do anything and there are no consent issues here; b) I understand the need to compromise; c) we've already booked a weekend away.

I've really appreciated those who have posted on both sides with empathy for the other point of view, it's been very helpful for me.

I hope you have a great time
33goingon64 · 07/03/2022 15:12

I never want to but always enjoy it when we do this. It's amazing how I can actually stop thinking about them for a few hours. It's good for you as a couple too.

LuckySantangelo35 · 07/03/2022 16:02

Enjoy your child free weekend OP! 🎉🥂

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