About leaving the kids? (I think I probably am)

[lifeuphigh]

Last night DH announced that he would like us to get more time as a couple, including 4 weekends away together each year. His parents live quite far away but would be happy to provide childcare.

For some reason the whole thing really stressed me out. The DC are 8, 6 and 3 and I've had 3 nights away from them since the oldest was born, only 1 of which I actually enjoyed. I love going out for the day/evening with DH but for some reason I just don't like the thought of being away from the DC overnight. DH travels a lot for work so he is quite used to being apart from them for extended periods.

I know I should feel grateful that we have the childcare offer, but I don't. Should I give my head a wobble or do other people feel like this too?!

I think if I organised childcare to spend time with my dh and he said he would rather bring/couldn't leave the kids I would feel quite hurt.

If it was a Fri-Mon I would miss them, if it's an overnight I think it could benefit the children and you.

I love being a mum and didn’t have a great childhood so I always liked being with my children. Don’t get me wrong we went for meals. nights out, parties etc

My husband did leave and said I was an amazing mum but didn’t not invest enough time in the relationship!!! looking back maybe
he was right. I guess I was wrapped up
in the kids and didn’t realise how important it was to him I just felt we’d have time for that when kids were older. Obviously it doesn’t justify him having an affair!! But maybe you would enjoy the child free time more than you would think. Or compromise on 2 weekends or just some overnights to begin with. I think I did lose myself as a person but being a good mum really was important to me. Not really sure what my point is part of me thinks it’s silly to do
something you are uncomfortable with but I guess a relationship is compromise. Getting divorced currently and it’s turned truly awful 😳

@HappyMeal564

As someone who has no help whatsoever and will not have a weekend away until dc are old enough to be left by themselves I personally would say YABU but if you don't want to leave your children you definitely don't have to. Your husband may still need that break away and it's great that you are his first choice but you may have to help facilitate him going away with friends instead, which is also fine

I really wonder how some relationships survive when I read something like this. Telling him to go with someone else is basically telling him you don’t give a stuff about him or your relationship.

Do it OP!! You’ll have a fab time.

Except she said she did do it and didn’t enjoy it.

Your DH is letting you know he needs more, respond to that in the way you would hope he would respond to you if you needed more alone time together.

He already spends time away from his kids for work, and he wants more. Alone time together can be done without having 4 weekends away a year.

Prioritise your relationship just as much as your kids.

Or, he needs to prioritise his kids.

I think you should give your head a wobble, as you put it and think about you DH too. It is also good for your dc to spend longer periods with their Grandparents. This is about you as a couple not just what you want.

You and your dh have a relationship with each other, as well as your relationship with each other and your dc. I think it's perfectly reasonable for him to want and suggest 4 weekends away a year if your dc are going to be well looked after. If they have never spent time away from you then it will probably do them good too. What happens when they start having sleepovers at friend's houses, or school residentials? Surely it's better for them (and you) to get used to time apart when you know exactly who they are with?

Your dh probably misses your time together, away from everything being about the dc (although you will probably talk about them loads).

When you have kids with someone, you are still a couple and time together is important.

I really wonder how some relationships survive when I read something like this. Telling him to go with someone else is basically telling him you don’t give a stuff about him or your relationship.

No, it’s telling him you want to spend time as a family. If the other person in the relationship doesn’t understand that, it’s a problem.

I’m not overly happy when my daughter is away, or if I am away without her. My husband is the same. We prefer to spend time together as a family and know that our child free trips will resume again when she leaves home.

@Blossomtoes all I'm saying is if OP doesn't go he still needs to at least have a mates weekend away from parenting if OP won't leave the kids. You see it on here all the time, people feeling dumped on because their partner wants to go off somewhere, I'm just saying if it's not one it'll have to be the other

It's perfectly normal to want to have your children with you when you go away on holiday and absolute rubbish to suggest you are heading for divorce if you don't want to leave them behind.

Mine are adults now but I never had the slightest wish to go on holiday without them. In fact they still occasionally come along with us.
The only time they stayed with grandparents was when my parents once took them away on holiday for a few days in the school holidays when we were both at work.
My DH was the opposite to the OP in that he would never have wanted to go away without DC

I know how you feel as I always worry and feel guilty leaving my 6yr old (the others are all older they don't care at all). but I remind myself what's better, me being there for him every day of the week, or me having a good relationship with my husband. what I'm trying to say is, think of the benefit to the children of strengthening your relationship and having a happy and health marriage, for the sake of a few nights.

as others said, though the youngest one makes a little fuss sometimes about me going, they love DGrandad looking after them as he totally spoils them with treats!

As someone with older kids, 20,18,26, that are now looking at leaving, I’d say it’s a really good idea for you to spend time with your partner, you need to keep your relationship strong for all the tough times you’ve yet to go through!!

I agree a compromise is needed. I think it's great he's communicated that this is something he'd like to do (seemingly for the good of your relationship) and so it's important you factor in his wants and needs as well as your own. Make a compromise with good grace too, there's nothing worse than someone essentially saying 'well I don't really want to, but I will for your sake' type thing, takes any real pleasure out of it.

If you don't feel comfortable with this why not compromise and have a 1 night break ,
Leave after dropped kids at childcare on the Friday morning then come back Saturday afternoon. We love a little 24 hour break - a lovely long lie in with no interruptions, bliss.

@PollyPage

Today 12:40Strawberriesinsummer

PollyPage

If you don't listen to his feelings, you may end up handing them over every other weekend to him and someone else.

What an unpleasant post.

but realistic

Agree 100% with @PollyPage

I’m not overly happy when my daughter is away, or if I am away without her. My husband is the same. We prefer to spend time together as a family and know that our child free trips will resume again when she leaves home.

And that’s fine because you’re on the same page. OP and her bloke aren’t. He wants the odd weekend alone with her. It really isn’t a big ask.

You've only had 3 nights away from your children in 8 years???

That's so alien to me, I cannot imagine being like this. I get that some people don't want to leave babies under 6 months for example but your youngest is 3. Each to their own though.

Something to bear in mind though, I ended up in hospital for a week when DS2 was 10 months old and so didn't see him the whole time. He was absolutely fine (why wouldn't he have been, he was with DH) but maybe he wouldn't have been if I'd never ever been away from him before this?

YABU, it's good for you to have a break and it's good for the DC to get used to spending the odd night away from you. We do this every few months and it really keeps us going.

@BlackCoffeeInAPoolOfSunshine When did I ever say it was an ultimatum? I think you are really, really misreading my husband's side of the conversation.

@LexieB I'm sorry that your marriage ended in divorce. I can relate to a lot of what you say about being a good mum. And actually I've always felt the same way - but there'll be time for that when the kids are older - and I know that's not a helpful or healthy way of looking at things.

It's interesting to see the mix of responses. I agree that I do need to compromise but it also seems like my response wasn't completely irrational, which is good!

I just want to clarify that there's no way DH would force me into something I felt uncomfortable with, he is absolutely not that kind of person. But whoever posted previously that, so far, things have been set up the way I want, is right. I do need to listen to his feelings more carefully.

If on that rare time you did go away together, you felt like you would have just as much fun if the kids were there, then I can see why he's suggesting it!

Usually if you go away without the kids it's a chance to do all the things you can't easily do otherwise, lots of sex and nice meals and wine and a fancy hotel.

I think your husband is trying to tell you that your relationship is important too and needs some spark put back in it.

Our job as a parent is to try and equip our children for the life ahead of them. I feel it is in the best interest of our children to cope with Mum and Dad being away for a few nights occasionally if they are left with people who can love and care for them. What will happen if perhaps you end up in hospital or a situation where you have to be away from them. Surely it would be easier if your children were used to you being away

I think it's very easy to let go of being a partner and turn into a mum during the full on years of small children. And that's fine for some people - it's all some women, and couples, want - but not for others.

I don't think either of you are being unreasonable in how you feel, but relationships do need attention and nurturing to stay healthy and this is a good way to do it, particularly as (unusually in my experience), your DH hasn't just come to you with a problem, he's given you a solution to an issue that he is experiencing.

You don't need to commit to 4x a year. Maybe commit to the first weekend now, and see how you go?

For what it's worth, since our DC were about 18mo, DH and I have had a couple of weekends away a year together and one each away with friends. Of course we miss the DC but we also get a chance to reconnect and remember the things we like about each other. I'd strongly recommend it :)

there'll be time for that when the kids are older

So many women think this way and so many of them end up divorced. You see it on MN all the time.

Are your needs being met by this proposal or is it your husband who already leaves most of the child related burden to you while he works away, now demanding that you attention his husbandly needs in a way that you cannot be distracted by the kids? Perhaps he and his mother have a different view of motherhood / wife duties than you do.. maybe instead suggest that you practice by having a weekend away knowing that they are safe and loved with their father first!

I’m just trying to make the point and it’s awful but someone said to me ‘if you don’t look after your man someone else will!’ i mean that’s awful but maybe it’s true. Now I’m on my own I feel more like a person weirdly! it’s been nice rediscovering ‘me’ dont make the same mistake I did and be complacent I guess. I think men are very different to us and don’t feel tied to kids in same way. Sorry if this all sounds crap and old fashioned. just letting you know what happened to me. So
i think it’s important for you to be a good mum and a good partner.

I have never been away from my children at all. The oldest is mid 20s she's left home now. Youngest is 5. Have never stayed away.i would not be able to truly relax. I would push myself to go though. But there would likely be lots of messages.