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AIBU?

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Original poster

About leaving the kids? (I think I probably am)

428 replies

lifeuphigh · 03/03/2022 12:21

Last night DH announced that he would like us to get more time as a couple, including 4 weekends away together each year. His parents live quite far away but would be happy to provide childcare.

For some reason the whole thing really stressed me out. The DC are 8, 6 and 3 and I've had 3 nights away from them since the oldest was born, only 1 of which I actually enjoyed. I love going out for the day/evening with DH but for some reason I just don't like the thought of being away from the DC overnight. DH travels a lot for work so he is quite used to being apart from them for extended periods.

I know I should feel grateful that we have the childcare offer, but I don't. Should I give my head a wobble or do other people feel like this too?!

OP posts:
Dixiechickonhols · 03/03/2022 13:24

I wouldn’t commit to 4 holidays, book 1 weekend and see. But I do think it’s important to spend time with husband, it can get overlooked when children are small. Your husband is saying he wants quality time with you I’d listen.
A few hours isn’t same - you will still be in mum not couple mode.

RowanAlong · 03/03/2022 13:25

His message is clear and reasonable - we need, and I want, time with ‘just us’. But you are not unreasonable to not feel ready for this. Suggest meeting in the middle and first of all going for a one-night stay, somewhere of your choice, to see how you get on. Don’t despair if it doesn’t work - it will get easier with time!

fruitbrewhaha · 03/03/2022 13:26

I think it's really good for you as a couple to have a few night away. I think it's really good as a person to have a few nights away and it's also really nice for the kids and grandparents to spend some time together. I really can't see the downside. Yes, you do miss them but when you are heading out to dinner at 8 o'clock to a nice restaurant or having a power nap at 4pm after a day of sightseeing which the kids would find really boring you'll be happy.

LagunaBubbles · 03/03/2022 13:26

Prioritise your relationship just as much as your kids

Or, he needs to prioritise his kids

Right so by wanting to spend some quality alone time with his wife he's not "prioritising" the kids? What a load of rubbish. Children need stable telationships to be brought up in and when it is 2 parents this can only happen if the parents have a relationship as well as being parents.

Original poster
lifeuphigh · 03/03/2022 13:27

maybe instead suggest that you practice by having a weekend away knowing that they are safe and loved with their father first He is constantly encouraging me to book a weekend away with friends. I always decline. Yes he travels a lot, but he's very hands on at home - e.g. will leave the office to be at home for DC's bedtime, then WFH late into the night.

OP posts:
katepilar · 03/03/2022 13:28

Spending time as a couple is one thing, going away and leaving your children behind is another. I find it weird he goes as far as specifiing four weekends away a year.
Hope you can meet somewhere half way and be both happy.

Ireallycantthinkofagoodone · 03/03/2022 13:29

Personally, I think it is of benefit to everyone for children to happily spend time away from mummy and daddy. It’s lovely to have uninterrupted couple time, and the grandparent/grandchild relationship is important too - I loved spending time with mine over many many sleepovers.
There is also the consideration that should something unexpected happen (illness/accident/hospitalisation etc) that takes both parents out of the home for a while, it’s far less distressing for children if they settle happily with other people.

daisyjgrey · 03/03/2022 13:30

Relationships need maintaining. You'll (hopefully) be in this marriage for a very long time. You had a relationship before the children, and there needs to be one when they move on, one that doesn't centre them. You don't need to be a martyr to your children and the better the relationship between you and your husband, the better the environment for the children.

Side note; what are you doing on a night away that meant you'd have enjoyed it just as much as if the children had been there...

dreamingbohemian · 03/03/2022 13:30

Out of curiosity, why don't you like fancy hotels?

If you did go away for a weekend, is there a difference between what he would want to do and what you would want to do?

Foxglovers · 03/03/2022 13:31

I feel the same as you and my DP knows this, even though he would probably prefer us to have the odd night or 2 away on our own.
Totally each ti there own, but for me personally I always think I wouldn’t have had kids if I wanted to be away from them! I don’t think there’s anything wrong with someone needing/wanting a break - but I prefer to have my kids around.

BlackCoffeeInAPoolOfSunshine · 03/03/2022 13:31

lifeuphigh fair enough. I seem to be the only one who read it that way! I think it was the word "announced" and the arbitrary "four weekends per year" in contrast to a total of three nights over the preceding eight years, combined with the fact that you don't want to be away from the children overnight, which made it sound like an ultimatum or game playing to me...

Why not suggest a weekend away or say he'd like to tack a night on our own onto our regular family visits to/ from the in-laws? Why suddenly four weekends...

But clearly that was a misreading!

rainyskylight · 03/03/2022 13:32

OP maybe you should have a proper think about those 3 weekends and why you enjoyed 1 and not the other 2. How can you replicated the enjoyment of that 1, and avoid the things you didn't like about the others? are the children now older so some of those factors are irrelevant?

The fact that your husband has "announced" this implies to me that he has been thinking quite seriously about it and he has concerns about your relationship. That's worth listening to!

I also think it's important that children are content to stay with other family members if needs be. A parent's job is to raise healthy confident children who are able to handle being away from home.

moonbedazzled · 03/03/2022 13:33

@ChateauMargaux

Are your needs being met by this proposal or is it your husband who already leaves most of the child related burden to you while he works away, now demanding that you attention his husbandly needs in a way that you cannot be distracted by the kids? Perhaps he and his mother have a different view of motherhood / wife duties than you do.. maybe instead suggest that you practice by having a weekend away knowing that they are safe and loved with their father first!
"Husbandly needs" 😂😂😂 The op has been quite clear that her husband is not demanding anything or railroading her. He's just saying that when they stay with the in-laws or the in-laws come stay with them, they take advantage and have a night away together. What a tyrant he is. 🙄
BlackCoffeeInAPoolOfSunshine · 03/03/2022 13:34

daisyjgray why do people misuse the word martyr this way! Doing what you want to do isn't being a martyr!

Its twisted around to say a woman is a martyr if she does what she wants instead of what her husband wants!

Misspacorabanne · 03/03/2022 13:35

I feel the same, the only night I've been away from dc1 was being in hospital for the night after having dc2! Dc1 is almost five! Blush

HonestwithHope1 · 03/03/2022 13:35

The 4 weekends makes sense considering they see GP 4x a year (presumably outside christmas)

It doesn't seem much to ask at all... Tbh it sounds like you don't want your huband around, maybe not maliciously, but he's clearly he's feeling less connected to you and bloody hell he's actually expressed this! (job probably doesn't help with that in general) but you don't seem to mind that.
?

What happens when kiddos are growing up, sleeping over at different friends, leaving home eventually. What relationship would you and your husband have then and would you be happy?

Original poster
lifeuphigh · 03/03/2022 13:37

*Out of curiosity, why don't you like fancy hotels?

If you did go away for a weekend, is there a difference between what he would want to do and what you would want to do?*

I don't really know! I just hate places where people are paid to be overly nice, does that make sense?! It always makes me feel uneasy. The night away that we had that I did enjoy, we were camping - which we both love, he just also likes the more luxurious side of life.
So if we went away we could easily set it up in a way that we both really enjoyed.

Why not suggest a weekend away or say he'd like to tack a night on our own onto our regular family visits to/ from the in-laws? Why suddenly four weekends... Oh, I think that's just because he's the kind of person who likes to jump into everything with both feet. He likes to make grand plans and always has!

OP posts:
diddl · 03/03/2022 13:41

If he wants time together it doesn't have to be weekends though does it?

If Op doesn't feel comfortable leaving the kids overnight, or not as often as he would like, they can still have time together without the kids.

BuyDirt · 03/03/2022 13:44

I wouldn’t have liked it when my kids were those ages but luckily my partner felt the same. Friends did offer as we looked after their kids whilst they went away but we just didn’t want to.

If your husband is a good husband and dad, obviously it’s important that you take his opinions into account. Maybe compromise on 1 night away instead of whole weekends of just whole days out. If you wouldn’t enjoy it, I assume he wouldn’t want you to go.

In reality though, I’d have hated it being away overnight regularly and probably would have resented that he felt the need to be away from our kids or get me all to himself. We got plenty of time together on the days/nights out we had and every night when they went to bed. Once they were at school, we could spend the day together using annual leave.

People that do it say it’s healthy but the couples that seemed to have a real need to do this that I know, didn’t seem very content with family life. Not always the case I’m sure and each to their own.

dreamingbohemian · 03/03/2022 13:44

@lifeuphigh

*Out of curiosity, why don't you like fancy hotels?

If you did go away for a weekend, is there a difference between what he would want to do and what you would want to do?*

I don't really know! I just hate places where people are paid to be overly nice, does that make sense?! It always makes me feel uneasy. The night away that we had that I did enjoy, we were camping - which we both love, he just also likes the more luxurious side of life.
So if we went away we could easily set it up in a way that we both really enjoyed.

Why not suggest a weekend away or say he'd like to tack a night on our own onto our regular family visits to/ from the in-laws? Why suddenly four weekends... Oh, I think that's just because he's the kind of person who likes to jump into everything with both feet. He likes to make grand plans and always has!

I've known loads of people working in fancy hotels and honestly they are genuinely nice people who want their guests to have a great time! They are not being fake or anything, they would be upset people thought that way. So I would try to see that differently.

Another option would be to rent a fancy self-catering apartment in a nice area, so you don't have any people around to make you feel uneasy. Do one shop to get some nice treats in and otherwise eat out at nice places.

LittleGwyneth · 03/03/2022 13:46

I think he's trying to make things work within your marriage and you should listen. But setting a number of weekends you need to manage per year maybe makes it feel a bit overwhelming. I would start with planning one and seeing how you feel. And a weekend can be just Friday & Saturday, leave on Sunday morning and be home by Sunday mid-morning, so you still get most of the day with the kids. But your husband needs you too, his needs don't get switched off the moment kids arrive.

BeHappy91818 · 03/03/2022 13:48

I’d do 1-2 weekends in the year but not 4 weekends away without my kids.

I had my kids because I wanted them, not to dump on the GP all the time so I can go and enjoy a kid free life.

bellsbuss · 03/03/2022 13:50

Everyone is different but for DH and I we enjoy couple time. We've always said yes we are parents and we love our children but we are still a couple. Why don't you try a hotel that is more you and see how you feel.

BuyDirt · 03/03/2022 13:51

I don’t like staying in hotels either. We have other houses and now the kids are older, we stay in those. Maybe the people in hotels are genuinely nice but I just hate the whole experience and avoid them as much as possible. We book a cottage or other holiday let if we want somewhere completely different. Maybe that’s an option,

babyjellyfish · 03/03/2022 13:53

Why four weekends?

Neither of you are being unreasonable but why not just start with one weekend and see how it goes?