Page 6 | About leaving the kids? (I think I probably am)

lifeuphigh · 2022-03-03T12:21:04+00:00

Last night DH announced that he would like us to get more time as a couple, including 4 weekends away together each year. His parents live quite far away but would be happy to provide childcare. For some reason the whole thing really stressed me out. The DC are 8, 6 and 3 and I've had 3 nights away from them since the oldest was born, only 1 of which I actually enjoyed. I love going out for the day/evening with DH but for some reason I just don't like the thought of being away from the DC overnight. DH travels a lot for work so he is quite used to being apart from them for extended periods. I know I should feel grateful that we have the childcare offer, but I don't. Should I give my head a wobble or do other people feel like this too?!

BigSandyBalls2015 · 03/03/2022 14:24

I think you should meet him in the middle and arrange 2 weekends for now and see how it goes. Choose carefully so you both enjoy it.

We were lucky enough to have our in laws nearby when our DDs were small and we went away a couple of times a year. We loved it, the DDs loved it and were spoilt rotten. There were sometimes a few tears when we went but we were soon forgotten!

Now they're grown up, at uni and DH and I have lovely trips both alone and with them if they fancy joining us.

A friend of mine has never gone away with her DH, she still frets about her adult DS's needing her if she left the country. She had a big birthday recently and he was desperate to surprise her with a fab city break but she refused and they ended up in a hotel near one of their sons, including him in everything. I know her DH was very hurt by it, she's giving the message that she doesn't enjoy his company at all. I just think it's been so long that she finds it awkward now to be away with just him.

MischievousBiscuits · 03/03/2022 14:24

I think he sounds like a great guy. He wants you to have time away for yourself with friends and also wants quality time for just the two of you. He sounds like he wants to make sure you nurture yourself and have your own needs met so you don't feel overwhelmed or burnt out, or bored even.
To me, four weekends out of the year would equate to each of your birthdays, your anniversary and one other date. If it still feels too much, why not start with two bookings this year and see how you feel. I'm sure your kids will be enjoying special time with their grandparents and having loads of fun while you're away.

Porcupineintherough · 03/03/2022 14:25

@PollyPage

If you don't listen to his feelings, you may end up handing them over every other weekend to him and someone else.

Not to be alarmist but this. It is really, really easy to lose yourself as a couple when you are in the midst of bringing up young children but children grow up, they leave home and then the person you are left with is your dp. Pretty sad to realise at that point that the feelings you once shared are gone but its easily done.

To answer your question though, I did feel the same as you but I found the thinking about it was worse than the reality. Once we handed them over and headed off I actually felt quite liberated and it was wonderful to do stuff, anything, without the constant "mum, mum, mum". 2 nights was my maximum though.

Porcupineintherough · 03/03/2022 14:26

Sorry, as in "2 nights at a time" not two nights in total.

OohRahhMaki · 03/03/2022 14:29

You know what, if my partner said he felt he needed some 1-on-1 time for our relationship, I would listen.

It is really easy to get swept up when you've got kids and the whole routine. Maybe he is struggling with closeness or is missing that intimacy. If I was feeling that way and asked my partner to prioritise me for 4 nights a year, I would be a bit hurt that he didn't want to.

Honestly, whilst kids are your priority, the don't have to be the only priority. Definitely easier said than done though (so you have my sympathies!)

LuckySantangelo35 · 03/03/2022 14:31

@BeHappy91818 4 weekends a year does not constitute a child free life! Do you feel that being a mum means being with them 24/7 or something ?

LuckySantangelo35 · 03/03/2022 14:33

@Foxglovers

I feel the same as you and my DP knows this, even though he would probably prefer us to have the odd night or 2 away on our own. Totally each ti there own, but for me personally I always think I wouldn’t have had kids if I wanted to be away from them! I don’t think there’s anything wrong with someone needing/wanting a break - but I prefer to have my kids around.

@Foxglovers you genuinely never want time away from your kids??

LuckySantangelo35 · 03/03/2022 14:35

@Cookiecrumble22

I have never been away from my children at all. The oldest is mid 20s she's left home now. Youngest is 5. Have never stayed away.i would not be able to truly relax. I would push myself to go though. But there would likely be lots of messages.

@Cookiecrumble22 I’m sorry you had this experience . How did you cope with no time at all just as a couple or just time for you? What do you mean about messages?

AryaStarkWolf · 03/03/2022 14:37

I must be a terrible mother because I loved weekends away with DH and a break from the kids when they were young

LuckySantangelo35 · 03/03/2022 14:37

@BoredZelda

Do it OP!! You’ll have a fab time.

Except she said she did do it and didn’t enjoy it.

Your DH is letting you know he needs more, respond to that in the way you would hope he would respond to you if you needed more alone time together.

He already spends time away from his kids for work, and he wants more. Alone time together can be done without having 4 weekends away a year.

Prioritise your relationship just as much as your kids.

Or, he needs to prioritise his kids.

@BoredZelda Lol you can prioritise your kids and still have a life you know! Investing some time in your relationship does not mean that you don’t love and care for your kids

LuckySantangelo35 · 03/03/2022 14:39

@BirdOnTheWire

It's perfectly normal to want to have your children with you when you go away on holiday and absolute rubbish to suggest you are heading for divorce if you don't want to leave them behind.

Mine are adults now but I never had the slightest wish to go on holiday without them. In fact they still occasionally come along with us.
The only time they stayed with grandparents was when my parents once took them away on holiday for a few days in the school holidays when we were both at work.
My DH was the opposite to the OP in that he would never have wanted to go away without DC

@BirdOnTheWire a weekend away isn’t a holiday though

Waxonwaxoff0 · 03/03/2022 14:41

I'm divorced so I've had to get used to nights away from DS since he was 10 months old. Oddly enough I dislike being away from him more now he's older, I think because I enjoy his company more now than I did during the relentless toddler years!

It's up to you OP, I think time with your partner is good though.

Beseen22 · 03/03/2022 14:42

I love my children, I am probably a little obsessed with them but if I got the chance for a dirty weekend with DH I'd jump at it. They are perfect little personalities the break is not from them as people but the work that comes with parenting. No waking up at 6am, no making sure no one spills apple juice at breakfast, no watching cocomelon, no going to child friendly venues, a nice long lunch in a non child friendly place with a nice cold beverage. Even silly things like going out to the cinema and getting home late knowing your kids are tucked up safe with the people who love them most in the world second to you and DH. It's OK for you to want to have a child free weekend and it's pretty good that your relationship is strong enough that your DH felt comfortable enough to tell you what he feels he needs to reconnect.

People need to stop saying 'dumping them with GP'. How many people get support from GP or nursery 1 day a week? Thats 52 days a year but not regarded as 'dumping on GP' but someone having 4-8 days without their children out of 365 in a year is?

wombleflump · 03/03/2022 14:46

I wouldn’t like it either . Then again I could stand my now ex dp!

LuckySantangelo35 · 03/03/2022 14:48

[quote lifeuphigh]@BlackCoffeeInAPoolOfSunshine When did I ever say it was an ultimatum? I think you are really, really misreading my husband's side of the conversation.

@LexieB I'm sorry that your marriage ended in divorce. I can relate to a lot of what you say about being a good mum. And actually I've always felt the same way - but there'll be time for that when the kids are older - and I know that's not a helpful or healthy way of looking at things.

It's interesting to see the mix of responses. I agree that I do need to compromise but it also seems like my response wasn't completely irrational, which is good!

I just want to clarify that there's no way DH would force me into something I felt uncomfortable with, he is absolutely not that kind of person. But whoever posted previously that, so far, things have been set up the way I want, is right. I do need to listen to his feelings more carefully.[/quote]
@lifeuphigh Actually Op I think it’s taking liberties and a bit complacent of you to assume that “there will be time for that when the kids are older”. There might not be. Your DH is expressing some unmet needs which you are not responding to so he may decide he doesn’t want to continue in the relationship if that were to persist. Just in the same way that you would have the right to leave him if he was steadfastly refusing to acknowledge you and your needs. Or one of you might get ill or die prematurely and there will be no time to do these things together. You can’t make assumption. Don’t be complacent and embrace life!

Badbaddog · 03/03/2022 14:51

I did feel like this but looking back I wish we had taken the opportunity to have alone time. We might still be married for a start!

Traumdeuter · 03/03/2022 14:57

Another one here who’d jump at the chance for a night away with DH - I’ve been away with work a few times and whilst having a minor lie-in at a business park Travelodge is not to be sniffed at these days, I’d love if we went away together.

Agree that you should start small - go somewhere local and see how you feel. Or at least speak to him about why you feel so uncomfortable with it.

AryaStarkWolf · 03/03/2022 14:57

@Beseen22

I love my children, I am probably a little obsessed with them but if I got the chance for a dirty weekend with DH I'd jump at it. They are perfect little personalities the break is not from them as people but the work that comes with parenting. No waking up at 6am, no making sure no one spills apple juice at breakfast, no watching cocomelon, no going to child friendly venues, a nice long lunch in a non child friendly place with a nice cold beverage. Even silly things like going out to the cinema and getting home late knowing your kids are tucked up safe with the people who love them most in the world second to you and DH. It's OK for you to want to have a child free weekend and it's pretty good that your relationship is strong enough that your DH felt comfortable enough to tell you what he feels he needs to reconnect.

People need to stop saying 'dumping them with GP'. How many people get support from GP or nursery 1 day a week? Thats 52 days a year but not regarded as 'dumping on GP' but someone having 4-8 days without their children out of 365 in a year is?

Great post. There's nothing wrong with wanting time alone with your OH, it's healthy and nurtures the relationship which ultimately benefits your children anyway.

Also, "dumping them with GPs"??? What no no no, that's their family, their grandparents won't be in their lives for ever, my children are older teen/adults now and they're so close with their granny, it's so lovely for them and for her and this is a result of them actually having a relationship and spending time with her as they were growing up

babyjellyfish · 03/03/2022 14:59

My husband and I decided a few months ago that instead of buying each other birthday presents we would both take the day off on each of our birthdays and go to a really fancy restaurant for lunch.

Since we had our little boy we very rarely get proper alone time together anymore. Anyway, both our recent birthdays have been absolutely lovely. Long, leisurely lunch with a glass or two of wine, then a walk in the sunshine afterwards.

It's so nice to get a chance to reconnect and go back to our child free life just for a few hours.

One of the things that will make the biggest difference to your children's happiness is how happy their parents are in their relationship. Don't make the mistake of neglecting your husband because you don't want to spend even a small amount of time away from your children.

Take your in laws up on the offer and go away for a weekend. Or even just one night if that feels more manageable as a starting point. It doesn't have to be a fancy hotel. Just somewhere you will both enjoy, and more importantly, time alone together as a couple.

Rainbowshit · 03/03/2022 15:00

It's easy to get wrapped up in being a mum and forget to spend time maintaining your marriage. I know I did and regret it.

I think your husband is trying to tell you something and perhaps you should listen.

Yogagrandmum · 03/03/2022 15:02