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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

About leaving the kids? (I think I probably am)

428 replies

lifeuphigh · 03/03/2022 12:21

Last night DH announced that he would like us to get more time as a couple, including 4 weekends away together each year. His parents live quite far away but would be happy to provide childcare.

For some reason the whole thing really stressed me out. The DC are 8, 6 and 3 and I've had 3 nights away from them since the oldest was born, only 1 of which I actually enjoyed. I love going out for the day/evening with DH but for some reason I just don't like the thought of being away from the DC overnight. DH travels a lot for work so he is quite used to being apart from them for extended periods.

I know I should feel grateful that we have the childcare offer, but I don't. Should I give my head a wobble or do other people feel like this too?!

OP posts:
PollyPage · 03/03/2022 12:41

I feel really sorry for him. There's more to life than mummying.

ChoiceMummy · 03/03/2022 12:42

@pitterpatterrain

That’s quite an either/or

Perhaps start with one night away close to his parents and see how it goes

I have in the past traveled for work weekly but tbh what makes me relaxed is that they are with DH. DH’s parents wouldn’t be able to do this (elderly) and my DF once they are older may be able to cope for 1-2 nights but going from nothing all the way is a big change all round

Really? That's every 12 weeks not being around for the weekend and dumping the children hours away.

Sounds excessive to me. Once or twice, maybe... But I want family time, otherwise why have children?

PollyPage · 03/03/2022 12:43

Today 12:40Strawberriesinsummer

PollyPage

If you don't listen to his feelings, you may end up handing them over every other weekend to him and someone else.

What an unpleasant post.

but realistic

PollyPage · 03/03/2022 12:44

Dumping? Get a grip.

Concestor · 03/03/2022 12:44

I don't leave mine overnight till they are 7 so I wouldn't like this either given your youngest is 3.

Original poster
lifeuphigh · 03/03/2022 12:46

Just to clarify - we wouldn't be 'dumping' them anywhere - we usually go to stay with ILs twice a year for a few days and they usually come and stay with us twice a year for a few days. So it would be taking one of the nights out of those few days.

OP posts:
Lifeismeh · 03/03/2022 12:48

I’m with you OP. Mine are 9 months and 2 and my MIL asks every week without fail if she can have them two nights a week. (Or at least one night and a couple of days!)

I’m not comfortable with it, it don’t feel ready to be away from them that much and I’m the one made to feel like I’m in the wrong.

You can only do what you’re comfortable with.

Yellownightmare · 03/03/2022 12:48

Personally I think you should compromise. At the moment, it seems to be all about what you want: v limited time away, no fancy hotels etc.

Your children will be fine and I think it's important to foreground your relationship with your partner sometimes as well as your relationships with your children. Also it's good for your children to experience time staying with trusted others.

Amnotamug · 03/03/2022 12:48

@ChoiceMummy…where did the OP say they were ‘dumping’ their children?!

Blossomtoes · 03/03/2022 12:49

The other one I did enjoy but, honestly, I think I would've enjoyed it as much/more if the DC had been there.

But he wouldn’t. He wants you to himself once in a while. Presumably it’s one of the reasons you got together in the first place. You don’t stop being a wife when kids come along.

Original poster
lifeuphigh · 03/03/2022 12:50

Personally I think you should compromise. At the moment, it seems to be all about what you want: v limited time away, no fancy hotels etc.

That's fair enough. You're right.

Lifeismeh Yours are very little, I don't think anyone sensible would think you were being at all unreasonable with not wanting them to be away from you overnight at that age.

OP posts:
Classicblunder · 03/03/2022 12:50

I would sell my right arm for a weekend away with DH without the kids (5 and 2). Have never had one and am unlikely to for another 10 years or so.

GeorgiaGirl52 · 03/03/2022 12:52

@PollyPage

If you don't listen to his feelings, you may end up handing them over every other weekend to him and someone else.
This^
obstacalling · 03/03/2022 12:53

Four wekends a year is a lot to ask of in laws

Once or twice a year for 2 nights ok

LuckySantangelo35 · 03/03/2022 12:56

Do it OP!! You’ll have a fab time. Your DH is letting you know he needs more, respond to that in the way you would hope he would respond to you if you needed more alone time together.
Prioritise your relationship just as much as your kids.

atiredtoddlermama · 03/03/2022 12:56

I feel the same way, DD has been away for the night twice since she was born 2.5 years ago and I hated every minute and was anxious the whole time I just couldn't enjoy myself properly. We have a night out this weekend and my mums coming to ours to watch her until we get home which I feel much better about. Like you DH works away a lot so doesn't get where I'm coming from at all.

LuckySantangelo35 · 03/03/2022 12:59

@ChoiceMummy no one needs ‘family time’ 24/7. Prioritise some couple time. Prioritise some you time. You can want children and not want to be chained them every day and night until they’re 18.

Frederica852 · 03/03/2022 13:01

I would kill for someone to offer me this! Fancy hotel, no kids, involved grandparents - sounds like exactly what most long term relationships could do with from time to time

CallMeDaddy58 · 03/03/2022 13:01

@BlackCoffeeInAPoolOfSunshine

That's a properly strange announcement going from 0 weekends away in 8 years to a line in the sand of "four weekends away together each year".

What happens if you have two weekends away this year - or one, or three? Where has four come from?

Is there a back story? Is this part of marriage counseling? Or out of nowhere? Could he be trying to build up a case in which you look unreasonable due to him being a good husband wanting to work on your relationship, knowing full well that he'll never have to follow through because he can blame you for refusing to leave the kids and go away with him to work on your relationship?

Only on MN could a husband asking for 4 weekends a year to spend alone with his wife be twisted into an elaborate scheme to try and get one over on you for when your marriage inevitably ends.
TheSmallAssassin · 03/03/2022 13:02

I agree with @pitterpatterrain, start slowly and see how you feel. I had been apart from mine for 4 nights or so at a time at those ages, but they were at home with their dad. We were both a bit anxious the first time we left them overnight with their grandparents, and they spent a day a week there anyway! The only time we ever left them for more than one night was on our honeymoon.

We're out the other side now and at the stage where we leave them on their own, but they are always at the back of my mind. So it is natural to feel unsure.

ejaculateandevacuate · 03/03/2022 13:02

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snowstorm2012 · 03/03/2022 13:03

@moita

No, I'm the same! I want to go on holiday as a family otherwise I'd have remained childless..
You can have children and still enjoy time alone with your partner.
BlackCoffeeInAPoolOfSunshine · 03/03/2022 13:04

CallMeDaddy58 come on - wife has only been away from the children 3 nights in the 8 years they've had children doesn't want to be away from the kids overnight, husband says apparently out of the blue "I want 4 weekends per year away with you, without the kids".

Sounds like an ultimatum he knows the OP will reject, though the OP has now rephrased the weekends as nights tacked onto in-law visits which sounds more realistic.

CallMeDaddy58 · 03/03/2022 13:05

@moita

No, I'm the same! I want to go on holiday as a family otherwise I'd have remained childless..
You can do both (if you can afford it). You don’t stop becoming a wife, sister, daughter, friend just because you become a Mum.
HappyMeal564 · 03/03/2022 13:05

As someone who has no help whatsoever and will not have a weekend away until dc are old enough to be left by themselves I personally would say YABU but if you don't want to leave your children you definitely don't have to. Your husband may still need that break away and it's great that you are his first choice but you may have to help facilitate him going away with friends instead, which is also fine

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