About leaving the kids? (I think I probably am)

[lifeuphigh]

Last night DH announced that he would like us to get more time as a couple, including 4 weekends away together each year. His parents live quite far away but would be happy to provide childcare.

For some reason the whole thing really stressed me out. The DC are 8, 6 and 3 and I've had 3 nights away from them since the oldest was born, only 1 of which I actually enjoyed. I love going out for the day/evening with DH but for some reason I just don't like the thought of being away from the DC overnight. DH travels a lot for work so he is quite used to being apart from them for extended periods.

I know I should feel grateful that we have the childcare offer, but I don't. Should I give my head a wobble or do other people feel like this too?!

What happens when kiddos are growing up, sleeping over at different friends, leaving home eventually. What relationship would you and your husband have then and would you be happy?

This. Relationships need nurturing and attention. When the kids have grown up and left home you don’t want to be looking at your DH over the breakfast table thinking “who is this man? Why did I marry him?”

@BeHappy91818

I’d do 1-2 weekends in the year but not 4 weekends away without my kids.

I had my kids because I wanted them, not to dump on the GP all the time so I can go and enjoy a kid free life.

Lol because 8 days a year without the kids is a 'kid free life'

This is just another version of 'I had kids because I wanted them, not to dump them in nursery all day'

Oh, I love time away from the kids, grown-up time! Of course, I miss them when I'm not with them but not to the extent I pine or stress about it while I am away, just in a 'looking forward to seeing them again' way.

I don’t think either of you ABU however I do think genuine childfree time (1-3 nights) make a huge difference in a relationship. At home we are very much ‘mummy’ and ‘daddy’ and having a bit of time away to be the old us and reconnect gives our relationship (and sex life!) a massive boost. I love my kids but leaving them with family who adore them for a weekends doesn’t bother me in the slightest so I am maybe biased! I’d grab 4 weekends away with both hands- we probably can afford once a year and it’s lovely.

DC are 11 and 15 and I've never been away with DH alone since they were born. Go figure. We just like being with our kids I guess.

Nothing wrong with it. I might have said yes, had we had the option to have a night away on our own when they were younger and I was shattered but there was never the option of childcare and I never wanted to ask that kind of favour from friends locally.

But now I can't imagine going away without them and just with DH. It would feel really really odd.

And at the age of 3 there's no way I would have wanted to go away and leave my littlest. I guess we're all different but I suppose what I'm saying is I completely understand why you wouldn't want to go away. Yet.

As for fancy hotels, that too can be exhausting. All the being terribly naice. I remember being told off at one hotel in Austria for not being correctly attired for evening dinner. Eye roll. It's nice just to be able to relax.

Why don't you think about where would make YOU happy.

As for weekends away I don't think they're every properly satisfying. It's all a bit of a rush and you worry about the kids when they're not with you.

Instead I'd suggest putting 4 weekend's worth of money into some really nice 1 or 2 week holiday breaks abroad that have childcare on site at hotels, so you can DH can go out for really nice dinners or lunches and know the children are in kids clubs, having a splash, making a pizza, watching a film. It's so relaxing. There are some wonderful places in Europe. This became our go to answer for weekends away that included everyone and got us some free time together, knowing the kids were happy too.

I don't like the expression going down the Mum hole. We're all attached in different ways and it's OK to be very firmly attached!

@dreamingbohemian imagine if 8/365 was a child free life! 😂

Those with young kids may benefit from anticipating that child rearing is going to get tougher the older your kids get and both parents being on the same page with navigating the teens years is preferable. Spending time alone as a couple should strengthen your relationship and respect for each other, it’s good for everyone all round, both kids and parents for parents to spend time alone as a couple.

What is your MIL like? You say she insisted on a fancy hotel when you don't enjoy them. Is the 4x weekends idea coming from her and is this what's setting off your gut feeling?

I also think that a weekend away without 3 kids requires a lot of advance work from (usually) the mum (you don't want to make things too difficult for the people doing the childcare). You also owe the childcare providers a massive favour if it's 4x a year.

So I can see what's in it for the DH (although if he's away a lot for work already, it doesn't sound like he misses his children much does it?!) but I think it's not necessarily going to be a lovely experience for the OP.

I'm happy to go away without my child and so is DH, occasionally, but although I might well take up a favour like this I'd evaluate I first as there's no such thing as a free lunch.

Everyone is entitled to their own opinion on this.

But I would absolutely JUMP at the chance of 4 x 1 night away with my DH each year, with GPs involved. IMO there is nothing not to like about this!!

Nurturing your relationship, and yourself, is so important. Sometimes you can do that better without the kids around.

What happens when kiddos are growing up, sleeping over at different friends, leaving home eventually. What relationship would you and your husband have then and would you be happy?

As long as you’re spending time together as a family and as a couple over the years, it doesn’t necessarily need to be weekends away. My kids are teens now, one an adult and our relationship is good despite rarely leaving the kids.

@MattHancocksPrivateNurse

YANBU, OP. I completely understand.

3 is still very little.

Op 4 weekends a year sounds a lot. But I do think your DH is trying to tell you he wants to reconnect.

Thinking of different options if you aren't a big hotel fan would a music festival, or even a night at home without the kids be an option.

Four weekends away is a healthy amount. It's good for you, your marriage, and the kids tbh.

I love a night away but four weekends a year sounds very prescriptive. I love my kids now they're a bit older and more manageable so like to do things with us all as a family.

Is part of your hesitation the work of getting the kids ready for the visit? It was for me. It was hard for me, but I finally told DH that he needed to pack everything for DC and then I stuck to it. I think he thought I would back down or end up helping, but I was busy with work so I left him to it. He struggled, but he got it done. It was the first time we left on a trip I wasn’t a giant ball of stress and he was.

I wouldn't want that. It also feels very forced.

But then I'm not too bothered about "grown up time" - children are just people as far as I'm concerned, I don't really differentiate. I enjoy spending time with them as much as (and sometimes more than!) with any adult.

I think you are entitled to feel as you do .Can you not say that ATM you are happy with the 2 weekends ? Maybe you could revisit the situation when they are a little older? The 3 year old is very little still .Even at 6 and 8 still difficult to leave .You are entitled to feel as you do,There atr no laws about how you "should " feel!

If packing for the kids is what's putting you of get inlaws to come to you. And you go out for a night

@dreamingbohemian

there'll be time for that when the kids are older

So many women think this way and so many of them end up divorced. You see it on MN all the time.

^ totally agree with this: your husband is clearly telling you he wants an adult connection with you. I’d find a way to make that happen or you run the risk that he will find it elsewhere (and no one ever thinks their partner is the type!)

I get that your 3 yo is quite young to be left but are there compromises…. Like starting with going out in the evening & overnight near the GPs so it’s literally the night to start. Are your kids happy with your on laws or do you feel better if they are staying with your family/in your own house?

I would love this!
We try to get at least 2 weekends away just us two if we can.

Maybe you can compromise? I think it's really good for couples to have some child free time which is more than a couple of hours. That doesn't mean you don't enjoy spending time as a family but it's a totally different dynamic.

@BirdOnTheWire

It's perfectly normal to want to have your children with you when you go away on holiday and absolute rubbish to suggest you are heading for divorce if you don't want to leave them behind.

Mine are adults now but I never had the slightest wish to go on holiday without them. In fact they still occasionally come along with us.
The only time they stayed with grandparents was when my parents once took them away on holiday for a few days in the school holidays when we were both at work.
My DH was the opposite to the OP in that he would never have wanted to go away without DC

She’s not talking about holidays without the children, she’s talking about an overnight break whilst they’re with the grandparents.

I find some of the mummy martyrdom a bit odd. It’s ok to feel anxious to not want to be apart from very young children but the “oh I couldn’t possibly be apart from my children for 24 hours until they’re adults” is just bonkers.

Our job as parents is to raise independent, capable children with strong secure attachments in all relationships, not just the one with mum. I don’t believe we’re doing them any favours keeping them close to us constantly in order to appease our own anxieties and insecurities.

OP, think about the odd overnighter with your husband. You need to maintain the relationship you developed pre children, and foster that intimacy and connection that brought you together to become parents in the first place. Your relationship with a partner is just as important, in a different way, as the ones with your children.

Packing definitely not the issue. We go away a lot as a family, packing doesn't phase me in the slightest (and the older two pretty much pack for themselves anyway).

But then I'm not too bothered about "grown up time" - children are just people as far as I'm concerned, I don't really differentiate. I enjoy spending time with them as much as (and sometimes more than!) with any adult.
Yep. This is exactly how I feel. But this thread has helped me see that DH doesn't feel the same way, and that's absolutely fine, and we've been doing it my way for 8 years.

What is your MIL like? You say she insisted on a fancy hotel when you don't enjoy them. Is the 4x weekends idea coming from her and is this what's setting off your gut feeling?
Very perceptive I don't think the 4x weekends idea is coming from her but has certainly always put pressure on us to spend time as a couple and let her babysit. She's lovely but we are very different people. She just cannot understand why I wouldn't want the childcare and the luxury and so on. To be fair, that is how she and FIL operated when DH and his siblings were small. She is MORE than happy to have the kids for 4 weekends a year - she would have them for 4 weeks a year if she could!

I think if your husband is coming to you and communicating he thinks you need more quality time then some effort is needed tbh. Compromise on 1 night rather than a weekend maybe?

God I've have killed for this. Even one weekend.
Never happened.