Tissue donated to an 85 year old

[Nc4post99]

This is a mild aibu, as in if I’m BU please don’t be mean about it, it’s a painful situation.

I lost my father, quite traumatically in the summer. I used the staff loo in the itu and I saw the poster for involuntary organ and tissue donation in the toilet. I’ve always said when I die, If possible I’d want them to take everything and to tell my loved ones of all those helped/ saved. When he passed, I asked the nurse about it and they mentioned due to cancer he wouldn’t be a candidate for organ donation (which I was really disappointed about) but could donate some tissue if we were happy to progress. Nhs BT called and explained it all and it helped me through the grief was the mantra ‘the worst day of my life could be/ could lead to the best day of someone else’s. I thought it would bring me peace and this greater sense of understanding/ the circle of life if we got told that someone would be able to see again.

So we got the letter today, one cornea was used for an 85 year old and the other one was unusable even for research. But I don’t feel the peace/ understanding that I thought I would. I don’t know if it’s not how I envisioned in my head, a young person people able to see again or see for the first time and it was someone who was close to 20 years older than my father. I don’t know if it’s because the other was useless or i don’t know if it’s because I’d hyped it up so much in my head but it all feels anti climactic.

Please don’t mistake this for ageism, I am glad someone life has been made better by my dads and that he’s still touching lives after he’s gone but I’d like to understand my feelings and if they are irrational

Please be kind

@CarrieHughes

YANBU, I'd feel exactly the same as you do. Organ donation is a zero sum game. All well and good to be all 'oooh make their remaining years count' but that just means someone else who'd have gotten more use, and who could actually achieve something with their life and family loses out. An 85 year old is unlikely to. It also feels a bit unfair quite frankly because they got the better deal. They had more years of life than your father, and they're STILL alive, while your father's dead. Getting his cornea is the cherry on top, they're already lucky that they're not dead yet.

It sounds cruel but it's the logical truth, IMO having gone through similar people telling you #bekind just causes you to surpress it.
Be angry if you wish, but know that it wasn't useless. Just not the 'most efficient', and life is unfair, it's ok to be mad at that.

Everyone else can speculate about 'my great-grandmother and other old people blah blah' but they wont' understand unless they've been in your position. It's the unfairness of it all that rankles really.

I'm sure this is true as well. I'd be really fucked off in your shoes. And it's absolutely okay to feel like that.

My dad lost his sight in his 70s. What I would have given for him to see his grandchildren again. You should be proud of you dad.

My mum died of cancer and could not donate organs. However she was an ex-nurse and 2 months before she passed she decided to donate her body to science.

I made an AMA at the time that some might find interesting:

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/AMA/3653395-My-mum-died-recently-and-left-her-body-to-science-AMA

Had someone very close to me die suddenly. His one wish was to donate his organs or failing that donate his body for research. Sadly because of the manner of his death we were unable to do either due to a post mortem. I and the rest of the family were heartbroken that we were unable to carry out his wishes. I wouldn't have cared less who would have received his body parts or how they would have been used as long as someone would have benefited, 5 or 105.

OP, I really do understand how you feel. But I would like to say thank you to your father and to you.

My mother was in her mid 80s when she had her corneal graft. It gave her back her confidence, and her smile. She was able to continue to care for her older sister (we live a long time in our family!) until her sister's death; she saw my nieces and nephews married; she has seen her two new great grandchildren, with a third on the way. She travelled to see her sister in America, and until the pandemic she was able to visit her social club and see her friends every week. None of that would have been feasible if her eyesight had continued to deteriorate.

She's in her 90s now and still going strong. In a few weeks we will be going to choose the summer bedding for her garden, which she loves to do. I'm so very grateful to people who make the decision to donate, and make such a difference to other people's lives.

YANBU, it was probably that the tissue donated, without sounding harsh, was of poorer “quality” than what was acceptable to be transplanted into a young patient, so it either went to an older patient or no one at all. Your dad has still given an amazing gift, but I do understand your feelings.

I'm so sorry for your loss OP. I am also grieving my DF and grief is a difficult, difficult thing that catches you unawares at times so firstly please don't feel guilty for whatever you are feeling right now, it's all valid and part of your grief. I completely understand and I think I might have similar feelings as it's all part of feeling that your own dear father went far too soon, but if it helps you at all, even though it wasn't what you were expecting, what you and your DF have given someone is an absolutely wonderful gift for someone, even at a later stage in life, to be able to see their own loved ones again. I do hope you in time will be able to take a bit of comfort from that, but in your own time, you're still processing things so be kind to yourself for whatever you are feeling right now.

What an emotional situation. Your family did a wonderful thing, and equally it's ok for you to feel how you feel. Your dad never did get those years and it's ok to feel negatively abuout that. I hope you can take some time to work through it all.

I am sorry for your loss, and I think you were brave and generous.
My grandma had cataract surgery in her early 90s. It was transformative. For another 8 years she could see to read and write and knit and enjoy flowers and tv. I still have the baby hat she made for my grown up ds. And she could see the faces in her photo album of people in her life that she had lost and thought she would never see again.

I'm sorry for your loss.

As many have said, the gift of sight is a gift at any age. Your father has done a wonderful thing.

Bear in mind that while cornea transplants do usually last at least 10 years, they don't always last forever and can be less time due to the age of the donor - which may be why they used it with a donor recipient - but it will still have made a massive difference to their life

When I had mine I was 9, and I've always been sure that my donor was a 7 boy who was hit by a car - I have no idea whether I was told that or if I made it up, but I've always been confident that was the case. On all my follow ups I was generally the only one in the clinic who was under pension age - and used to have loads of medical students coming in as it was rare for someone my age to have it done - I was discharged from the eye hospital when I was 21 - presumably they wanted to check how it was when I was growing

My Grandad was the centre of our family's universe and his family adored him.
We would all have been so grateful to your Father had our Grandad received much needed tissue from him after he sadly died.
Seeing my children- his great-grandchildren - was my Grandad's greatest pleasure in life as was reminiscing over old photographs.
Your Father's gift would have meant everything to someone like him-and us- had he needed it.
It will have positively affected this man and his quality of life -and in turn, the memories his loved ones have of him in the future.

Sorry for your loss
Your feelings are valid.
I'd like to try & think of it this way, that elderly man now is able to see the faces of his loved ones again, the sunshine through the window & children playing.
Many by his age have/can do little, your dad has given him the gift of seeing these things & bringing him joy again ❤️

I’m sorry for your loss.

All I can say, is thank you.

Donating corneas is incredible!

You're not unreasonable to feel this way, but imagine the difference this has made to that 85yo. What a wonderful thing to do for someone, even if they aren't 20 any more. The quality of life for that person is no doubt significantly improved and will help them so much.

My dad is 86 and happily fit as a fiddle (touch wood!) he lives a full and active life and also cares for my mother who isn't so fortunate health wise.

If he were to lose his sight, they would both lose the independence they have as a couple. They could no longer go out for drives in the car as they do every day. He'd no longer be able to read the papers, he's currently got five books on the ho and loved going to the library. He couldn't paint and draw or write down his memories and stories (which he's famous for!) for his grandchildren to remember him by. His beloved garden and sanctuary would suffer and his and my mothers life (and ours to an extent) would change overnight.

Your dad had given someone the opportunity to do the things their interested in and love. He has given someone a gift that will allow them to live to their potential in their twilight years and perhaps even prolong their life with their family.

You and your dad are people to be proud of and whoever has his gift and his/her family will be eternally grateful to you both.

A friend of mine had a corneal transplant in his 30s. It made the difference between being completely blind due to a long term condition, and having limited sight, being able to see his kids faces, being able to work and live his life… it truly is an amazing procedure. I know it’s probably not going to help in the darkest days of your grief, but your dad has left a positive impact on the world.

I’m sorry for your loss OP . Of course your feelings are valid and don’t feel bad for them

My only elderly father needed an op to improve his eye sight a few years ago It gave him much happiness being able to see his grandchildren ( they’d been very blurry before ) . My own Dad passed recently and I’m very glad he had that improved sight - he was very frail and getting around was tough but he likes to watch tv and read mystery’s . It filled his days . I promise you that the recipient of the cornea has also had their life improved

You can't help how you feel and how you feel is completely mixed up with your grief. There probably isn't a 'right' way to feel in your position.

My grandad died recently at 90. He was going nearly blind and it was a massive factor in him giving up on life. It was so distressing for him. You did a great and generous thing.

I was at the eye hospital yesterday with ds.

On our way out we helped a 97 year old chap who had attended his appointment independently but as he'd had his pupils dilated he couldn't navigate his mobile to ring for his daughter to collect him.

The precious gift you gave may last a lot longer than you think.

Sending much love 💘

“I understand. But I’m also touched to think of an elderly man, who many people would think was too old to bother with, being able to see his wife/children/grandkids/dog/view from the window etc.
Whatever the situation, his quality of life will have improved, thanks to you and your dad x”

All of this ^ it’s amazing your dad was able to help someone- anyone. I’m sorry it hasn’t brought you the feelings you’d hoped, it may do one day

@Nc4post99

I donated a kidney last year.
It went to a grandmother. I'm 40
It did unsettle me slightly and of course your feelings are valid.

She wrote me a card over Christmas telling me about how she could now look after her grandchildren again and work in her farm (I'm also vegan )

I'm actually delighted for her. I hope she knows she got a youngish fit kidney, and I hope her grandchildren make wonderful memories with their grandmother.

Her age and livelihood don't affect my rational contentment with my donation (plus my pal got a kidney too, via the paired scheme)

But yes on an emotional level I understand your disquiet.
Emotions are funny things.

My nan is a similar age and received a cornea transplant a few years ago. She got to see my babies and watching her see the faces of her great grandchildren, which we thought may never happen was incredible for my whole family.
I am certain she is still alive because of that transplant, it kept her active and in our lives for many more years than we all thought she would. We are beyond grateful. Your dad did that for someone and that's pretty amazing, I'm so sorry for your loss.

I'm so sorry to hear about your father. It's an awful time for you.
Part of the beauty of the altruism that is organ donation, is the equality. That we don't get to chose who the tissue goes to. Otherwise you would get homophones refusing to donate to gay people or racists refusing to give to other nationalities.
I'm sorry that you feel disappointed, what you have done is amazing.

[quote OneBeanClub]@Nc4post99

I donated a kidney last year.
It went to a grandmother. I'm 40
It did unsettle me slightly and of course your feelings are valid.

She wrote me a card over Christmas telling me about how she could now look after her grandchildren again and work in her farm (I'm also vegan )

I'm actually delighted for her. I hope she knows she got a youngish fit kidney, and I hope her grandchildren make wonderful memories with their grandmother.

Her age and livelihood don't affect my rational contentment with my donation (plus my pal got a kidney too, via the paired scheme)

But yes on an emotional level I understand your disquiet.
Emotions are funny things. [/quote]
My didn't post.
I actually find the irony of a vegan donating to a farmer amusing so there should have been a in those brackets