Tissue donated to an 85 year old

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This is a mild aibu, as in if I’m BU please don’t be mean about it, it’s a painful situation.

I lost my father, quite traumatically in the summer. I used the staff loo in the itu and I saw the poster for involuntary organ and tissue donation in the toilet. I’ve always said when I die, If possible I’d want them to take everything and to tell my loved ones of all those helped/ saved. When he passed, I asked the nurse about it and they mentioned due to cancer he wouldn’t be a candidate for organ donation (which I was really disappointed about) but could donate some tissue if we were happy to progress. Nhs BT called and explained it all and it helped me through the grief was the mantra ‘the worst day of my life could be/ could lead to the best day of someone else’s. I thought it would bring me peace and this greater sense of understanding/ the circle of life if we got told that someone would be able to see again.

So we got the letter today, one cornea was used for an 85 year old and the other one was unusable even for research. But I don’t feel the peace/ understanding that I thought I would. I don’t know if it’s not how I envisioned in my head, a young person people able to see again or see for the first time and it was someone who was close to 20 years older than my father. I don’t know if it’s because the other was useless or i don’t know if it’s because I’d hyped it up so much in my head but it all feels anti climactic.

Please don’t mistake this for ageism, I am glad someone life has been made better by my dads and that he’s still touching lives after he’s gone but I’d like to understand my feelings and if they are irrational

Please be kind

So sorry for your loss. This brought me to tears. Your feelings are so important and so valid and I completely understand where you’re coming from. I’m pretty certain that I’d feel the same way as you. As an aside I’m visiting a 98 year old cousin of mine on Sunday. My late fathers second cousin. Fit and has all his marbles. I hope the 85 year old also lives long. Sending love as this awful time 💗

I think it's OKnot to be over the moon because someone has benefitted after your pain.

I've always thought I wouldn't want to donate my DCs organs bei we nobody, IMO, would deserve them enough. Logically that's totally irrational. If my DCs organs were donated I would never want to know who received them, because I would just feel angry about it.

I understand why you feel as you do.

Do you think it’s because your Dad had such value to you that was so much it could never be measured and you maybe feel this is not reflected in the outcome? Maybe you could reflect on this and it might help you to put how you feel into some perspective. So very sorry for your loss, your Dad was clearly an enormous part of your life and I sincerely hope you find some peace and comfort

I'm sorry for your sad loss, OP.

15 years ago me & my family made the decision to donate when my mother very unexpectedly died. At the time, we were told 2 people had received her kidneys.
I'm now in regular contact with one of the recipients. I can't express enough the impact the donation had on them; grandkids they'd never have met, quality time with their spouse, the chance to retire etc.
I imagine the families of donors all feel and react differently. But ultimately, we don't agree to the process for ourselves; it isn't about what we feel. We do it to help others. No matter who they are.

I’ve not voted because you feel how you feel. There is no right or wrong way to cope with your grief. Take comfort from the fact that you thought of others at one of the worst times of your life. I’m very sorry for your loss xxx

I’m so sorry for your loss. You did an amazing thing at the most difficult of times and you transformed the life of someone. My grandfather lived alone, was immobile and very hard of hearing. When he lost his sight due to cataracts it took the last of his enjoyment, ability to communicate and means to fill his day with TV, phoning, reading. When he eventually had surgery things changed from feeling his way around even finger feeding to locate food on the plate, to being able to see clearly again and it really did transform his quality of life. Please take comfort from this, it was an amazing gift.

Sorry for your loss

It is sad that your expectations weren't managed better and that you haven't had the soothing from your kind and brave decision.

May be in time as you go through your grief you may find more peace and know what a wonderful thing you did for another person.

I write this as someone who's family had such a gift and is to this day very thankful for the generosity of strangers.

My aunt was in her mid 80's was received such a gift, she will be 100 later in the year.

14 years on from her gift and since the first Lockdown she has been the sloe carer for her 70 something daughter.

Without the gift of sight she would, by now, be in a care home instead of being a 99 yr old capable of looking after her child who would also have had to go into a care home.

While it may be easier to understand the usefulness of such great gifts when they are given to younger people one never really knows the good these gifts do.

Sadly you may never know how useful your beloved dads valuable gift will be but please know that your kind and brave decision will be greatly Valued.

May you find some soothing in your grief and support through the painful times.

You've done a wonderful thing and made a huge difference not only to the patient I'm receipt of the donation but also for their friends and family.

I’m not grieving for your Dad as you are but as I was reading it, I was thinking of my best friends mum aged 81 who just last week had her cataracts done and the immense joy and pleasure she’s feeling, being able to see clearly, enjoy reading her magazines, watching the tv and simple things for her such as enjoying her garden and being able with help to see family on face time !!

Her absolute joy and relief of having her sight improved is beautiful and knowing that you’ve gone even further by allowing your Dads cornea to be used will help an older person maybe cradle a great grandchild and see them, to be able to look at photographs of their youth and reminisce- even to be able to read a menu at the restaurant when celebrating is such a beautiful wonderful gift you have offered.

Please, don’t feel sadness or regret that your dads cornea has allowed someone to enjoy the beauty of sight x

My brother died very suddenly and unexpectedly and we were asked if we would allow organs/tissue to be donated - we agreed. It was a huge comfort to all of us but to my mother especially when we heard who the recipients were. Mum was really comforted by a letter from the recipient of my brothers heart - a lady in her 40s with a young family as she could find a small positive which made the loss less awful.

I should say that I had been rather unsure about organ/tissue donation prior to db's death but the experience has changed my opinion.

Thing is it's not about choosing who you want the organ to be donated to or the age of that person.
Part of the preparation for it involves seeing who is a suitable recipient. There may not have been any more youthful recipients available. If the organ of your loved one only matches a 76 year old that's who it goes to (thank goodness). To have to start deciding who is a more worthy recipient would make a complex and already traumatic process even worse. Rest assured whoever did receive your father's cornea will be forever grateful (and I say that as someone who has been involved with organ donation for many years). You should be incredibly proud of him !

I am so sorry for your loss, I lost my Dad in the summer too although he was much older than yours. My Dad lived independently until a few months before he died (cancer) in his 90's. He was very active online in many groups and also real life activities. If his sight had failed at 85 he would have had a very different life to the one he actually enjoyed. I think you should be very proud of the gift of sight that you have allowed your Dad to be able to give to someone else. for you.

Mum was really comforted by a letter from the recipient of my brothers heart - a lady in her 40s with a young family as she could find a small positive which made the loss less awful.

While it's good that your mother got some comfort from this, I think that it veers far too closely into the "deserving" territory.

What sort of recipient wouldn't give a bereaved person some comfort after the loss of a loved one? We need to be really really careful here.

And so, I'm very glad that the decision is made by the criteria of biological tissue match, and priority of clinical need.

@LaChanticleer

Mum was really comforted by a letter from the recipient of my brothers heart - a lady in her 40s with a young family as she could find a small positive which made the loss less awful.

While it's good that your mother got some comfort from this, I think that it veers far too closely into the "deserving" territory.

What sort of recipient wouldn't give a bereaved person some comfort after the loss of a loved one? We need to be really really careful here.

And so, I'm very glad that the decision is made by the criteria of biological tissue match, and priority of clinical need.

My MIL received a letter saying which of my late FIL's donated organs/tissues had been used, but it didn't say anything about the recipients - it still brought her comfort. Perhaps that is the best way - just to know the body parts have been used without going into details.

Yes, @ClariceQuiff I think that is the best way. I think it might have been easier for the OP - or at least, would have made her grieving a wee bit less stressed about this.

I lost my Dad recently and am currently on route to visit my stepmum for the first time since he passed away (feeling very emotional). Your feelings are completely understandable and justified as they’re your feelings and it’s your hurt, but try to think that the person may live for another 10 years or more and be able to see their grandchildren and maybe even great grandchildren. I’m sure that person is extremely grateful to your Dad and you/your family for that chance. Be proud! Sending hugs your way x