Tissue donated to an 85 year old

[Nc4post99]

This is a mild aibu, as in if I’m BU please don’t be mean about it, it’s a painful situation.

I lost my father, quite traumatically in the summer. I used the staff loo in the itu and I saw the poster for involuntary organ and tissue donation in the toilet. I’ve always said when I die, If possible I’d want them to take everything and to tell my loved ones of all those helped/ saved. When he passed, I asked the nurse about it and they mentioned due to cancer he wouldn’t be a candidate for organ donation (which I was really disappointed about) but could donate some tissue if we were happy to progress. Nhs BT called and explained it all and it helped me through the grief was the mantra ‘the worst day of my life could be/ could lead to the best day of someone else’s. I thought it would bring me peace and this greater sense of understanding/ the circle of life if we got told that someone would be able to see again.

So we got the letter today, one cornea was used for an 85 year old and the other one was unusable even for research. But I don’t feel the peace/ understanding that I thought I would. I don’t know if it’s not how I envisioned in my head, a young person people able to see again or see for the first time and it was someone who was close to 20 years older than my father. I don’t know if it’s because the other was useless or i don’t know if it’s because I’d hyped it up so much in my head but it all feels anti climactic.

Please don’t mistake this for ageism, I am glad someone life has been made better by my dads and that he’s still touching lives after he’s gone but I’d like to understand my feelings and if they are irrational

Please be kind

Imagine that because of it, someone has got a wonderful time to cherish, even for short years. That is priceless.

Please don’t mistake this for ageism

I'm sorry, but it is.

I think you had a consolatory fantasy in your head about your aged father helping a young person (like you, or your children, maybe?) as a way of deflecting the grief at his death a little. While you could imagine this, you could deflect some of your grief.

Then when the reality of whom the donation had helped came, the full reality of your father's death hit you, with no fantasy about a young person helped to see. Instead, the age of the recipient reminded you of your elderly father, and the grief has hit you again.

YABU - whoever received your father's generous donation has benefited. You should hang onto that.

YANBU, but you gave a wonderful gift irrespective of who received it and how many years they and their family will benefit from your amazing generosity.

I completely understand why you feel like that. I don't think it's bad at all.
But just think of that old man, who has lost his sight, too old to relearn his whole life, confused and not being able to go anywhere alone, even simple things like eating your dinner. Imagine losing your sight now. Everything you'd be unable to do. And your dad gave him his sight back. Gave him independence back. Maybe he'll only have a few years, but imagine what those years would have been like for him.

Im so very sorry for your loss and given the young age your dad died I think you’re feelings are completely understandable. Please try to remember that by helping one person you’re also helping all those on the list to get closer to having their transplant. My mum is 55 and waiting for a double cornea transplant, from myself and my three young children I thank you for bringing her closer to good health. x

I think had the organ gone to somebody decades older than their dad then they’d have felt a bit…I’m not sure there is a word for it. ‘Cheated’ doesn’t seem right, nor does ‘disappointed’. I really can’t think of a word for it

The word is "ageist" - and I hope no-one uses your current feelings to act on a donation in relation to you when you need some help when you're 80.

Your dad gave the gift of sight so someone so they could have some quality final years

I think it is a bit ageist really. The 85 year old might live for another 20 years and be a wonderful person. The gift of sight is an amazing thing.

My Aunt had a double Cornea transplant at 76. It changed her life (she’s 92 now and still lives alone). She was also able to visit her Father’s grave (for the first time - he had been killed during the War) at Souda Bay in Crete about 12 years ago, without that transplant she’d never have been able to do that.

But, I get where you’re coming from, you wanted this part of your Dad to be around for a long long time (it would give you comfort knowing this) and obviously that won’t be the case in an older person.

You didn’t want your dad to die in vain.
You wanted his memory to live on and the end not so final. Which is of course understandable.

Your feelings are completely valid but YABU.
Organ and tissue donation is such a lovely thing to do and helping someone is helping someone no matter how big or small.
Give it time and you will feel much better about it.

A good deed always leads to another good deed.
From that act this women could also become an organ donor or donate money to charity from her will which will help other people.

You were very generous at a time you would have been very upset personally. We need more like you in society. My best friend's son was run over by driver high on drugs who mounted pavement many years ago. After 2-3 weeks she had to turn off life support but she chose to give his organs to others. She got a letter back after some time, both his corneas, and his liver were used for other children. They used his one of his kidneys but it did not work. She cried happy tears became a little bit of him lives on.

I think I understand this. I think that this situation may serve as a painful reminder that your loved one did not get the chance to experience being cured and growing older. The donation is a wonderful thing to be celebrated by the gentleman who received your fathers gift and for the doctors who were able to help a patient but for you, yes, I imagine it would be another painful reminder of the loss of your father and the future you’d imagined spending with him.

I do understand. I still and always will envy those who have elderly parents though I know and understand that it’s hard to watch parents age and comes with its own heartache and challenge.

I hope this helps, OP. You are grieving and it’s very raw. Your feelings are understandable.

its a lovely thing you did but i understand youre feelings-the gift of sight is amazing though you bot did a grea thing

@caringcarer

You were very generous at a time you would have been very upset personally. We need more like you in society. My best friend's son was run over by driver high on drugs who mounted pavement many years ago. After 2-3 weeks she had to turn off life support but she chose to give his organs to others. She got a letter back after some time, both his corneas, and his liver were used for other children. They used his one of his kidneys but it did not work. She cried happy tears became a little bit of him lives on.

thats lovely so sorry for her loss

OP, my mother is losing her sight to an incurable condition. It has been a slow and painful process of giving up a lifetime’s worth of skills, pleasures, and independence.

I cannot tell you how dramatically it would transform her remaining years of there were a treatment which could restore even part of her sight. Your gift has done this for someone else and I hope that with time you can draw comfort from this knowledge. I’m so sorry for your loss

My friend’s mum just died. She had a terrible quality of life in her last few years, being unable to see or hear properly. Your donation has probably improved someone’s last years immensely. At a time in their life when seeing things may be their only pleasure. YANBU to feel the way you do, but try to think of the positive aspect of what you’ve done.

@RegardingMary

A corneal transplant let my grandmother see her great grandchild who had only ever been described to her. It meant the world to her, and while she may have died a few years later it meant the world to her and me that she'd had the chance

You've given an amazing gift, not just to anc85 year old, but to his entire family. Thankyou.

This is so moving.

I think a few posters have hit the nail on the head, the fact that the cornea may be only used for a few years but the quality of life for those last few years will be so vastly improved. Allowing someone to see their family in their final hours.

Please don’t be hard on yourself..you did a wonderful thing.My dad had an eye operation in his eighties and in made the difference between him being allowed to drive or not.He was able to live the rest of his life much more independently and carry on with his hobbies.SO THANK YOU, x

There is a lot of complex emotions around organ donation. One of my friends has an organ transplant when she was young. Probably the candidate you’d want on paper if you were going to donate an organ. However, It took her years to feel able to process it. She was resentful not grateful and didn’t appreciate it until her 20s when she made contact with the donor family many years later. She talks quite openly about the complexity of the donation process and her feelings as a teenager.

The gift of sight to an 85 year old is amazing. It may be the difference between independent living and care and could make such an enormous difference to the quality of life.

Old people are just as deserving of these treatments.

Not only that, but that 85 year old may live 15 more years... a 20 year old may die next year. Age doesn't always mean they'll 'need it less'.

@newnameforthis76

I’m so sorry about your dad. You must be heartbroken.

I think it’s pretty clear from your post that your real issue isn’t that your dad’s cornea went to someone elderly, but that you understandably had built up the donation into part of the grieving process and was expecting to feel something different. I think when we read about organ donation etc we tend to read about the stories that are most likely to encourage people to donate - so they focus on young, PR-friendly recipients and that’s what we picture when we think of organ or tissue donation.

Others have made excellent points about the age of the recipient - this could make a vast difference to the next 10 or 15 years of his life. He may well be a fit, sharp 85-year-old whose eyesight is the only barrier to his independence. The transplant might be the thing that allows him to care for his wife rather her having to go into a home. There are so many wonderful ways in which you and your lovely dad could have made a tremendous difference not just to the recipient but to their whole family, and you did an incredible thing.

This is exactly it! Exactly it. Thank you @newnameforthis76, I couldn’t articulate or get my head around my feelings, but you have, thank you!

He really liked pins, medals, badges, crests and certificates, you know that sort of memorabilia, anything with a bit of history attached. He doesn’t have a grave. This and the leaf on the tree In liverpool are all I have in any tangible way.

Please don’t mistake this for ageism

In the nicest possible way, I'm afraid that it is. At some level you thing that an 85 year old isn't as worthy of it.

But try and see it this way. An 85 year old probably has a lot less stimulation in their life. This person might be housebound, and being able to see their TV, or read, or see their great grandchildren, might be if anything, MORE important than for a younger person who has more activity and social life.

My 93 year old auntie is blind in one eye, and is losing sight in the other. She lives alone and has always been hugely independent, but when the sight has gone in her other eye, she will have to go into a care home, despite being fit and healthy, and as sharp and intelligent as ever she's been. The gift of sight would would save her from losing her independence.

As others have said, an older persons cornea would probably not be transplanted into a young person. Your gift will be worth everything to the person who received it. And they're as worthy of it as anyone else.

I totally understand how you feel. But imagine if the person who received the tissue was your grandparent. My gran was registered blind and it broke her heart that she couldn’t drive, read or watch TV when her sight became too compromised. She was so upset that she couldn’t see her grandchildren’s faces. It got her down so much that she was on anti depressants when she sadly passed away at 94. She had previously been the happiest, most positive person you could have ever known. Having her sight restored would have changed her life, she would have been thrilled. I imagine that the person who received the tissue is over the moon that their last few years on earth will be spent seeing the sun, a blue sky, being able to watch their favourite programme on TV 😊

I’m so sorry for the loss of your father