Tissue donated to an 85 year old

[Nc4post99]

This is a mild aibu, as in if I’m BU please don’t be mean about it, it’s a painful situation.

I lost my father, quite traumatically in the summer. I used the staff loo in the itu and I saw the poster for involuntary organ and tissue donation in the toilet. I’ve always said when I die, If possible I’d want them to take everything and to tell my loved ones of all those helped/ saved. When he passed, I asked the nurse about it and they mentioned due to cancer he wouldn’t be a candidate for organ donation (which I was really disappointed about) but could donate some tissue if we were happy to progress. Nhs BT called and explained it all and it helped me through the grief was the mantra ‘the worst day of my life could be/ could lead to the best day of someone else’s. I thought it would bring me peace and this greater sense of understanding/ the circle of life if we got told that someone would be able to see again.

So we got the letter today, one cornea was used for an 85 year old and the other one was unusable even for research. But I don’t feel the peace/ understanding that I thought I would. I don’t know if it’s not how I envisioned in my head, a young person people able to see again or see for the first time and it was someone who was close to 20 years older than my father. I don’t know if it’s because the other was useless or i don’t know if it’s because I’d hyped it up so much in my head but it all feels anti climactic.

Please don’t mistake this for ageism, I am glad someone life has been made better by my dads and that he’s still touching lives after he’s gone but I’d like to understand my feelings and if they are irrational

Please be kind

My elderly mum means the world to me, more than all the young people in my life. If someone donated a part of their body to her, however small, to give her good health, I would be grateful and as if they had given it to a baby.

I've not read the whole thread, but what struck me was that the cornea of an older person might not be the best match for a younger person simply due to the lifespan of that tissue.

It might serve an 85 yr older well for 5 or 10 years but a younger person would want 60 + years from it.

I'm sorry for your loss of course but be happy it's helped someone.

Yanbu because your feelings, all of them, are completely valid. However, you and your dad have done a wonderful thing giving someone the gift of sight.

Maybe it’s the fact that the recipient is outliving your dad by 20 years; that must really hurt.

So very sorry for your loss

I am not going to vote because you are not being U but it is also a wonderful thing for that recipient whatever their age. I dont know what expectations I would have in this situation, but am sure that I would be disappointed if what happened did not match what I had thought would happen. Take care of yourself and I am sorry for your loss.

Yanbu, you feel how you feel

I had a friend who had a terminal illness and she was significantly younger than 85. As she got poorly and frail, her eyesight went. I have always thought how desperately sad it must have been to not be able to learn how to cope with blindness, and not have the physical strength or mental will to do much else but sit, unable to look at anything and wait for death.

You've done an amazing thing.

@JinglingHellsBells

I've not read the whole thread, but what struck me was that the cornea of an older person might not be the best match for a younger person simply due to the lifespan of that tissue.

It might serve an 85 yr older well for 5 or 10 years but a younger person would want 60 + years from it.

I'm sorry for your loss of course but be happy it's helped someone.

This is an excellent point

@Nc4post99 I do hope you're OK, and I am so sorry to hear about your father. YANBU to feel how you feel, and I believe many others would feel the same (despite the poll results here.) It's also not ageism. It's perfectly natural to think (for example) that a 25 year old should be given priority over an 85 year old, for an organ, or tissues, or corneas etc (from someone deceased.)

If someone saved the life of an 85 year old, over the life of a 25 year old (say rescuing them from a burning building or pulling them from a raging river,) I am sure many people would have some negative things to say about sacrificing the 25 year old, for the 85 year old.

Of course, all lives are worthy of saving and improving, but if most people are honest, they will have to admit that priority for something like this should surely go to a much younger person. I can only surmise - as a few posters have said - that your father's corneas were not in brilliant condition, but were suitable for someone of 85.

I am very happy this 85 year old chap got his sight saved, for as many posters have said, potentially 15-20 years. But YANBU to feel how you feel.

I know an 87-year-old who is waiting for a cornea transplant. Apart from his eyesight he is fit and well, delightful company, and his mind is as sharp as mustard. He is also a carer for a 94-year-old. Your gift would have transformed both their lives, and they are lives that are very much worth living. You have done a wonderful thing. I don’t know how old you are but I suspect that as you get older you will appreciate that the age of the recipient really doesn’t matter. I’m so sorry you lost your father - it’s such a difficult thing to go through.

@BrutusMcDogface

Yanbu because your feelings, all of them, are completely valid. However, you and your dad have done a wonderful thing giving someone the gift of sight.

Maybe it’s the fact that the recipient is outliving your dad by 20 years; that must really hurt.

So very sorry for your loss

Yes you’re right, that hurts a lot. In the grand scheme of things he was so young. Not even 70. At the funeral countless people came up to me and asked what happened and all had the same thing to say ‘it’s so young, it’s no age these days, his parents lived longer etc. Whilst people meant well it was a gut punch. In some ways this is too. It’s a gut punch that the other was in effect useless, even for research. That’s how much his body was broken down, in life I had so much hope that he was going to get better, this is just further confirmation how his fragility. That hurts because it confirms suffering.

I agree with the other posters OP, you are allowed to feel however you feel but you've done a wonderful thing and should also be proud. My fil is 85 and he is so fit and active. He's a huge reader, loves to garden, plays in a samba band, and until the pandemic was actually still flying to and from China for business trips. He loves to drive as well and takes great care of my MIL who despite being younger is much more infirm. The loss of his sight would be devastating to him, it would rob him of his joys in life, limit his income, and make it almost impossible for him and mil to live independently. He'd go from being full of life to hugely dependent. And it's not just him and mil who would suffer because if they need care in the home it'll be my sil who does the bulk of it and this will affect her, her husband, and their children, as well as my own family as my dp will of course also help (but we live further away). So many lives will have been touched and improved by your fathers donation, not just that of the recipient.

The 85 year old, will bless your family every day.

That’s all really.

What a fabulous gift of giving

Bless you. I lost my mum last year. My heart is still broken.

Your feelings are your feelings. But, as others have said, just think about the joy that it will have brought to an older person who has had their sight restored. My mum was 81 when she died. She was very frail and virtually housebound. Her pleasures were knitting, crosswords, reading, board games, jigsaws. Has she lost her sight those last, simple pleasures would have been lost to her. And it would have brought me comfort for the rest of my days knowing her sight was restored. I hope you find the peace you are seeking eventually.

You are grieving, you have been through a massive trauma and done an amazing thing - you are allowed to feel however you feel, and don’t feel bad about that. You have a lot of emotions going on, organ donation is hard emotionally on both sides (I am an organ recipient and feel guilty all the time incase I am someway a disappointment to the donor family).

To give an elderly man joy in his final decade, to allow him to remain independent, to see the faces of those he loves, to give the gift of all those extra memories he can make that will live with his family forever…..that is an amazing gift to have given and a wonderful legacy for your father x

On one hand, I can see why someone (not necessarily you, OP, I'm just musing) might have had an image in their mind of the donation giving a new lease of life to someone young. Like their loss had a profound impact on someone with their whole life ahead of them.

But on the other, my granny is 88 and she is wonderful. Sharp as a tack, wickedly funny, kind, caring and generous to a fault. Her body is failing her though; she has a heart condition but nobody will operate due to other conditions/medications. She will be living with it until she's not, to be blunt, and I wish there was something to be done. If there was a surgery available to her, I would be thrilled.

However you feel is fine and valid, OP. I'm so sorry for your loss.

Well Im sorry about your Dad.I think though that by definition more elderly people would be in need of a cornea maybe ? Also 85 can be very different for many people .My dear FIL lived to 94 .Still travelling abroad until 91 and driving around the village ! The receipent could be more like this nowadays .Even a poorly chap who finds it hard to get around, will have had his eyesight restored and can see all the Flowers and trees /Birds etc .Think of a gift like this and be happy a little piece of Dad lives on

I can understand your feelings, it’s upsetting when you were hoping for some feeling of peace. I wonder if this will help, I had a cornea transplant in my right eye. At the time I was 36, and was told I was waiting for someone of a similar age to pass, the very oldest they could be was 45. I don’t know if that’s still the protocol. I wished I hadn’t known that, as my sister-in-law had died a year earlier at 42, and I couldn’t bear the thought of that devastation for some other family.

I suspect your dad’s corneas couldn’t have been used for a younger person, and I’m really sorry that wasn’t explained to you beforehand.

The other thing that crossed my mind is that restored or improved sight for an older person can make such a difference, especially if other faculties are failing.

I hope you can find some peace in the grieving process

I’m so sorry for your loss op. Your dad has probably given that man such an incredible gift. He might be able to see grandchildren he hasn’t seen before or just enjoy the details in things he had almost forgotten about like how leaves look on the trees, how the waves look on the beach. I’m sure he will be so so very grateful to your dad. Your not unreasonable at all, you’re grieving

@Rockmehardplace

To give an elderly man joy in his final decade, to allow him to remain independent, to see the faces of those he loves, to give the gift of all those extra memories he can make that will live with his family forever…..that is an amazing gift to have given and a wonderful legacy for your father x

He could even have TWO final decades left! It's not massively common, but also not massively unusual for people to live to 105.

I'm so sorry for your loss. Nothing will make your grief less painful.

You did a kind and generous thing that has transformed someone's life.

My mum lost most of her vision in her early 80s. It took away all the little joys we take for granted. She'd loved board games, reading, watching the birds in her garden, playing with great grandchildren, walking, painting and sewing. She had little left but listening to the radio and audio books. She was miserable. If her sight could have been restored, it would have been like a miracle to her. You and your Dad gave that miracle to someone else and changed their life so much for the better.

My dad died last year at 93: it was quite sudden, and up until two months beforehand, he had been in very decent shape. My grandfather died at 85, and he had started to lose his sight the in the year previously. He really was terribly depressed about losing his sight, and it may have contributed to him basically ‘giving up’. I guess what I am trying to say is that just because someone is in their mid 80s doesn’t mean your dad’s gift is a little wasted – which I know you are not saying at all. Your dad may have given someone some extra wonderful years. An amazing thing to do

I'm sorry about your dad, I understand what you mean and no judgement. I hope in time you will be able to think of the joy and happiness your dad has passed to someone else. This 84 year old would be written off for so many types of surgeries and to be allowed this gift will have given so much to them and their family. Take care of yourself 💐

The kindness that you and your dad have shown towards that elderly person will have changed their life, for the next 15 years, potentially. They may now have the independence back that they had lost when their eyesight deteriorated. I know you'll never know, but I'm sure it would have been appreciated more than you could believe. Don't feel bad about it.

I'm sorry you lost your dad. It takes time to heal.

@Nc4post99

This is a mild aibu, as in if I’m BU please don’t be mean about it, it’s a painful situation.

I lost my father, quite traumatically in the summer. I used the staff loo in the itu and I saw the poster for involuntary organ and tissue donation in the toilet. I’ve always said when I die, If possible I’d want them to take everything and to tell my loved ones of all those helped/ saved. When he passed, I asked the nurse about it and they mentioned due to cancer he wouldn’t be a candidate for organ donation (which I was really disappointed about) but could donate some tissue if we were happy to progress. Nhs BT called and explained it all and it helped me through the grief was the mantra ‘the worst day of my life could be/ could lead to the best day of someone else’s. I thought it would bring me peace and this greater sense of understanding/ the circle of life if we got told that someone would be able to see again.

So we got the letter today, one cornea was used for an 85 year old and the other one was unusable even for research. But I don’t feel the peace/ understanding that I thought I would. I don’t know if it’s not how I envisioned in my head, a young person people able to see again or see for the first time and it was someone who was close to 20 years older than my father. I don’t know if it’s because the other was useless or i don’t know if it’s because I’d hyped it up so much in my head but it all feels anti climactic.

Please don’t mistake this for ageism, I am glad someone life has been made better by my dads and that he’s still touching lives after he’s gone but I’d like to understand my feelings and if they are irrational

Please be kind

Given the circumstances I think you are perfectly justified to feel any way you do, from sadness to anger to happiness, you lost your dad and helped someone see again, no wonder you have mixed emotions, but at the last you gave someone sight , that's amazing and if nothing else that's something to be proud of. So many can't/won't do what you did, personally I think you're awesome

You've been through a traumatic time and tried to make something good come of it. You have succeeded. You are of course NU to have hoped for more good to come of it, but I think you did your best and the doctors did their best. Please try to find comfort in that. You did a really good thing.

Hi OP,

I’m sorry for your situation, I wanted to say I don’t think YABU.
Also the first thing I thought was that there may be a medical reason for the choice of recipient. When / if you feel mentally up to it I would try to verify that, it might bring you some comfort. I’m sure they would be happy to answer your questions.