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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Tissue donated to an 85 year old

217 replies

Nc4post99 · 02/03/2022 16:52

This is a mild aibu, as in if I’m BU please don’t be mean about it, it’s a painful situation.

I lost my father, quite traumatically in the summer. I used the staff loo in the itu and I saw the poster for involuntary organ and tissue donation in the toilet. I’ve always said when I die, If possible I’d want them to take everything and to tell my loved ones of all those helped/ saved. When he passed, I asked the nurse about it and they mentioned due to cancer he wouldn’t be a candidate for organ donation (which I was really disappointed about) but could donate some tissue if we were happy to progress. Nhs BT called and explained it all and it helped me through the grief was the mantra ‘the worst day of my life could be/ could lead to the best day of someone else’s. I thought it would bring me peace and this greater sense of understanding/ the circle of life if we got told that someone would be able to see again.

So we got the letter today, one cornea was used for an 85 year old and the other one was unusable even for research. But I don’t feel the peace/ understanding that I thought I would. I don’t know if it’s not how I envisioned in my head, a young person people able to see again or see for the first time and it was someone who was close to 20 years older than my father. I don’t know if it’s because the other was useless or i don’t know if it’s because I’d hyped it up so much in my head but it all feels anti climactic.

Please don’t mistake this for ageism, I am glad someone life has been made better by my dads and that he’s still touching lives after he’s gone but I’d like to understand my feelings and if they are irrational

Please be kind

OP posts:
Findingneeemo · 03/03/2022 18:49

Maybe the 85 year old can now read again, or sew or find cooking their meals easier. Maybe it will keep them at home, independent, rather than in a care home.

Maybe they can read a menu in a restaurant with their friend or go to bingo. Watch their grandchildren. Watch a film or a show at the theatre. Maybe it will give them a new lease of happy life. My gran was in good health at 85 but she had cataracts later and it affected her - she couldn’t do crosswords or read her paper anymore. Tv was tricky too. She never had them fixed as she was too scared of having it done.

I think it’s amazing that someone’s life has been altered in such a positive way. I can imagine how hopeful they were when they got that phone call or letter.

Vixii · 03/03/2022 18:51

So sorry for your loss.

Just wanted to make two quick points thst I don’t think I’ve seen already (but sorry if so)…

This just have been a pretty healthy 85 year old to undergo surgery that isn’t life saving/emergency. So, they may wel have many many years left.

Secondly, your gift has not only changed things for this 85 year old and their family but for absolutely everyone and their families in the list after them. Many many others will get their sight back sooner than they would have had you not made the decision to donate.

echt · 03/03/2022 19:06

It’s good that an 85 year-old wasn’t written off.

This thread exemplifies why donors should not be told about recipients.

When I donated my late husband’s organs, the only communication came from the recipients themselves, and by their choice. I was only told which organs had been donated, which used for research.

LaChanticleer · 03/03/2022 19:35

This thread exemplifies why donors should not be told about recipients.

Absolutely. I was quite surprised that the OP knew so much about recipients.

ThingsThatMakeYouGoHmmmmmmmmm · 03/03/2022 19:35

No, not BU. I would regard that as a waste of resource. I suppose if there was absolutely nobody younger........

LaChanticleer · 03/03/2022 19:38

I would regard that as a waste of resource.

Well, I hope for your sake that you aren't treated by a version of yourself when you are 85.

Original poster
Nc4post99 · 03/03/2022 19:42

@echt

It’s good that an 85 year-old wasn’t written off.

This thread exemplifies why donors should not be told about recipients.

When I donated my late husband’s organs, the only communication came from the recipients themselves, and by their choice. I was only told which organs had been donated, which used for research.

Why does it?

They asked if I’d want to know and they said they’d ask the recipient if they were willing to share details and I’ve been told it ‘helped an 85 lady restore her sight’.

For the record I never said I don’t want an old person to have it in my OP, I said I was feeling some complex feelings and listed a bunch of things. I got the letter yesterday and I think mostly I felt sad, not sad that an old person received my dads cornea before it gets twisted but just sad, sad that the other was useless, sad that this cornea probably wasn’t in the best nick, sad that he’ll never see 85 or his grandkids and sad that this whole fantasy id build up in my head wasn’t how i ended up feeling.

Please don’t put the boot in

OP posts:
echt · 03/03/2022 19:50

OP.

My point was about the principle of sharing personal details, one I believe to be wrong. If that’s the way your donation system works, then there it is, but your thread rather proves my point, as it’s precisely this information that exercises you.

I have not put the boot in, not offered any criticism of you.

echt · 03/03/2022 19:51

@ThingsThatMakeYouGoHmmmmmmmmm

No, not BU. I would regard that as a waste of resource. I suppose if there was absolutely nobody younger........
Ageist.
Mirw · 03/03/2022 19:53

Get over it. Someone us able to see. That is what you wanted. How would you feel if his cornea had been given to someone who regularly beat their wife or had been in prison for abusing children? Could happen...

Original poster
Nc4post99 · 03/03/2022 19:53

@echt

OP.

My point was about the principle of sharing personal details, one I believe to be wrong. If that’s the way your donation system works, then there it is, but your thread rather proves my point, as it’s precisely this information that exercises you.

I have not put the boot in, not offered any criticism of you.

Echt-

Both parties are asked. Donor if they want to know and recipient if they’d like to share. In this instance both said yes.

OP posts:
amispeakingintongues · 03/03/2022 19:55

I don't think you’re BU, I’d probably feel the same initially. So understand why you do. However the more you think about it, the more positive it seems - it could have been 85 year old’s only chance at seeing a new grandchild ? Its hard enough being old, but i can imagine its even more isolating if you lose your sight and become even more dependent on others. I’d certainly be grateful if i was 85 year old. So don’t think of it as wasted, you really never know how much it might mean to someone.

Original poster
Nc4post99 · 03/03/2022 19:56

@Mirw

Get over it. Someone us able to see. That is what you wanted. How would you feel if his cornea had been given to someone who regularly beat their wife or had been in prison for abusing children? Could happen...
Ugh. You’ve misread and or skipped over my whole post. It was about not feeling a sense of closure after having finally leant about a successful donation when I’d spent months waiting. And your ‘get over it’… nice, class act
OP posts:
Original poster
Nc4post99 · 03/03/2022 19:58

Also to be clear I’ve NEVER said it was wasted on an old person.

OP posts:
echt · 03/03/2022 19:58

OP. I know. I’ve read your post. As I’ve said, I believe such systems that allow such sharing to be mistaken and unhelpful.

Original poster
Nc4post99 · 03/03/2022 20:06

Respectfully disagree, yesterday was a complex day for many reasons but reading all these posts about what a cornea would mean to a loved one and all the people donation touches has been heart warming.

All the campaigns on donation focus on the young and kids that you or at least i didn’t realise the impact that donation can have on the elderly, and as so many have pointed out here that’s even more touching in many ways, to stop someone living in darkness and not having to imagine how their children/ grandchildren look.

OP posts:
StrawberrySquash · 03/03/2022 20:14

I think that you probably built up on your head a story that helped you cope with the loss of your dad. And so it felt weird when you heard the actual story. But, as others have said it's done such good. Apart from the recipient, think of how happy their family will be to see them able to do stuff they couldn't do before.

33goingon64 · 03/03/2022 20:17

I'm sorry for your loss. We did the same with my DF and even his corneas were no good. I suppose in an ageing society like ours, the likelihood it will be another old person is pretty high. Maybe it's better not to know where the donations end up. Well done for what you did. You probably massively improved the life of that older person.

Mamanyt · 03/03/2022 20:43

I voted YABU, but only in that tissue matching MUST BE EXACT, in almost all cases. The eye would have gone to the closest match, in order of eligibility, and younger people would have had preference. Far better that it went to an older person that it had been incinerated, unused, for lack of any exact match in a younger one.

WTAFhappened123 · 03/03/2022 20:47

Sorry for your loss. Think of is as the difference between your grandmother being able to carry on living independently, seeing her great grandchildren rather than depending on assisted living and going blind? This would make me happy, she may have been the only match

optimistic40 · 03/03/2022 20:49

@Nc4post99

Respectfully disagree, yesterday was a complex day for many reasons but reading all these posts about what a cornea would mean to a loved one and all the people donation touches has been heart warming.

All the campaigns on donation focus on the young and kids that you or at least i didn’t realise the impact that donation can have on the elderly, and as so many have pointed out here that’s even more touching in many ways, to stop someone living in darkness and not having to imagine how their children/ grandchildren look.

I found those stories really touching, too. I love to think that someone could give me what you and your father did in future if I need it. It's wonderful.

So sorry for your loss.

godmum56 · 03/03/2022 20:54

@Nc4post99

Also to be clear I’ve NEVER said it was wasted on an old person.
but the story in your head that you didn't get was that the recipient was a young person?
Original poster
Nc4post99 · 03/03/2022 21:04

I guess so yes, it was double the shock that it was someone 20 years my dads snr and he was the donor godmum but that’s definitely not the same as saying tissue is wasted on someone older. A lot of organ donation campaigning is centred on the young, that creates a perception

OP posts:
Tomnooktoldmeto · 03/03/2022 21:17

I’m so sorry for your loss, healing is a long complicated process and I think sometimes when donation is involved the actual organ donated may provide different levels of satisfaction

In my working life I was extremely privileged to care for patients at the end of their journey when retrieval took place. There are patients young and old I will never forget and they were treated with the utmost respect by all

Right now you’re hurting terribly because your beloved father has left you and his donation was a cornea to an old person, this is your anger at his death but one day you will feel your compassion for his gift

I’m 52 and at the start of the pandemic I found out without warning that at some point I will need corneal transplants, I will need people who are angry and hurting to have the compassion to make that decision. They won’t see my story and I may be 60,70 or beyond because we only know that my sight will fail not when

But the gift you and others give will be gratefully received, I care for others and without my sight this would be impossible so it’s a gift to my whole family at whatever age or stage of my life I need it

You made such a brave and kind choice which will have allowed someone to retain their independence.

Please now be kind to yourself you did a wonderful thing in your father’s memory and he would be so proud of you

Chandimum · 03/03/2022 21:17

@Crunchymum

You did a good thing, an amazing thing.

Even if it improved someone's life for a day or a week, it was better than doing nothing.

You are allowed to feel how you feel, its still very raw and very early for you. Be kind to yourself.

This. I think the age/timeframe is irrelevant. You gave something very special. Hope. ❤️