Tissue donated to an 85 year old

[Nc4post99]

This is a mild aibu, as in if I’m BU please don’t be mean about it, it’s a painful situation.

I lost my father, quite traumatically in the summer. I used the staff loo in the itu and I saw the poster for involuntary organ and tissue donation in the toilet. I’ve always said when I die, If possible I’d want them to take everything and to tell my loved ones of all those helped/ saved. When he passed, I asked the nurse about it and they mentioned due to cancer he wouldn’t be a candidate for organ donation (which I was really disappointed about) but could donate some tissue if we were happy to progress. Nhs BT called and explained it all and it helped me through the grief was the mantra ‘the worst day of my life could be/ could lead to the best day of someone else’s. I thought it would bring me peace and this greater sense of understanding/ the circle of life if we got told that someone would be able to see again.

So we got the letter today, one cornea was used for an 85 year old and the other one was unusable even for research. But I don’t feel the peace/ understanding that I thought I would. I don’t know if it’s not how I envisioned in my head, a young person people able to see again or see for the first time and it was someone who was close to 20 years older than my father. I don’t know if it’s because the other was useless or i don’t know if it’s because I’d hyped it up so much in my head but it all feels anti climactic.

Please don’t mistake this for ageism, I am glad someone life has been made better by my dads and that he’s still touching lives after he’s gone but I’d like to understand my feelings and if they are irrational

Please be kind

Homophobes*

I can understand how you feel. As the relative of a circa 85 year old who is loosing their sight, I’d say thank you 💜

Sometimes there is a limited number of matching recipients. The alternative might well be to waste the tissue.
You did a kind and generous thing OP. I am sorry for your loss.

I have a relative who had a transplant. It was a rare match and there was nobody else suitable as far as I know. The donor was a young person and we all think of that family with sorrow and gratitude when the anniversary comes round.

My late son was on the donor register, but it was too late by the time his body was found. I will always regret that his wishes could not be fulfilled.

So sorry for your loss OP but just imagine how wonderful a gift you've given an 85 year old, just imagine, Captain Tom was 100 when he passed and your father could have given someone like him a vastly improved quality of life for the next 15 years. Xx

If it helps at all, I had two registered blind grandfather's, both who lived to late 90s, who would have given anything for new eyes to enable them to see their families etc again. It will never remove the gap your dad's death brings, but I promise the gift of tissue will have given immense joy and worth to not only the person receiving the tissue but to the families as well. My grandfather's never saw my face clearly in their entire lives, someone may now have the chance to do that even if it is only for a few years.

An elderly person's quality of life is just as important as a younger one's.

Donated organs etc can go to anyone, it's roulette where they end up.

My late mum lost most of the sight in one eye because of wet AMD ( macular degeneration) it really impacted very negatively on the last few years of her life as she lost so much confidence because she couldn't see properly

I have very poor sight but love to read and would absolutely hate not to be able to.

I agree with others - wonderful to think that an 84 year old has had some independence restored with the consequent impact on their quality of life. You should be very proud of what you did.

Sorry about your father OP. Thank-you so much for donating his corneas. DH had two corneal grafts in his 20s and it has made a huge difference to his life as I’m sure it has to the recipient of your father’s cornea.
PPs have made comments suggesting that someone younger may have ‘lost out’ on getting a cornea due to a transplant being given to an older patient, this is very unlikely to be the case. Corneas don’t need to be matched by tissue type, there is a longer window for them to be taken following death of the donor and they also can be stored for a period of time before being transplanted so there does not tend to be a shortage in the way that there would be with other organs.

I can totally understand that visions of your loved one’s tissue living on and bringing a better quality of life for someone else would bring you comfort. I think the hospital were remiss in not explaining the process and suitable candidates clearly. You should have been told that corneal tissue ages also, and wouldn’t be suitable for a younger person. Your donation may have helped to keep this lady out of a nursing home for even longer.

Thank you for doing this. My dad had kidney failure when I was 11, I’ve carried a donor card since then. My dad received a kidney from his sister and it lasted about 15 years. After that he went back on dialysis and back on the transplant list but a match was never found. As he got older the strain of dialysis 3 times a week whilst working full time really took its toll. He was eventually taken of the transplant list as it was felt he wouldn’t cope with the operation. As a family we would’ve been eternally grateful if he’d managed a second transplant to improve his life as he got older and less able to manage his condition. I’m sure the 85 year old and their family and friends feel exactly this way about your family. What you and your dad have allowed is such a gift. I’m sure your feelings are a combination of wishing he could’ve helped more but also a reminder to you that he’s no longer physically with you

Realistically, tissue donated from an older man with cancer isn't going to last forever and probably wouldn't be suitable for a young person who would hope to get years out of the donation.

Even if the donation only provides someone else with a month or a year of improved quality of life, it's time that wouldn't have been had without it.

I don't think you're being unreasonable at all if it's not what you hoped/imagined for your father's remains, but it is generally going to be the case that most people in need of donor tissue and organs will be older people because older people are more likely to get sick and have their existing organs fail. Serious illness in younger people is relatively rare. But think OP, though the recipient of the donation may not live as long as someone younger, you may have enabled them to see their grandchildren and spend their final years doing things with their family they couldn't do without sight, which will be a treasured memory for all of them.

Who needs corneas? Old people with glaucoma.

This could make the difference between a great last 5-10 years of life and crap, limited years. So, big.

It sounds as if no-one explained to you what conditions the relevant tissues might be used to treat, or who suffers from those conditions, predominantly. You could feed that back to the people you dealt with.

I can't tell you the difference it's made to the life of that person.

It's hard enough being elderly with all the aches, pains and inability to do fairly simple things easily anymore. Add poor eyesight to that (I'm suffering a bit atm) and it's so debilitating.

It could well have transformed the rest of the life of that person - and it could be 10 years or more.
That was a marvellous thing you did. I hadn't even thought about it for me. I'm on the organ donor's list but thought I was getting too old for anything to be useful.

Well done

I think it’s a wonderful thing to give sight back to anyone, regardless of the recipient’s age. It would have improved their quality of life immensely.
Tell us what your dad would have made of his donation. Would he have been thrilled? I think if he raised a daughter that would think of other people at her lowest ebb, I’m guessing he was the sort of man that would have wanted to help others in any way he could. And he certainly has.

Older people are worthy of treatment

I'm so sorry you lost your dad, OP. I bet that the cornea that was able to be used may not have been of the best quality if the other one wasn't viable, which is why it may have been given to someone older.

I don't know if I've missed how old your dad was, but perhaps would it help you feel better to imagine how you might feel if that had been HIM who was losing his sight and receiving a cornea off a donor? Imagine if your dad had not died so tragically, but was here and alive but slowly losing his sight. Would he have hated it? Been miserable and depressed? Missed out on all sorts of things and maybe felt his life was not worth living? I'm sure he would. Imagine if he had then received a cornea and regained his sight and how happy he would have been in that situation. He would have been thrilled. So I think you could perhaps imagine him now, wherever you believe he is, if he could see what had happened with his cornea and imagine how pleased he would be that he has made a difference.

I think with grief you have to expect the unexpected. There is no right or wrong way to feel.
Allow yourself to feel how you feel but he really has touched that 85 year olds life in a positive way.

@Nc4post99

I'm sorry to hear about your Dad. My Dad died a few years ago and he was a healthy 65 yo. I too feel very cheated. I grew up with my Dad giving regular blood donations and knowing he was an Organ Donor... when he died (very suddenly) he had to have an autopsy & he wasn't able to Donte anything.

Much to my shame, I was somewhat relieved at the time, because I simply could not have given them permission.

So I think you have been incredibly brave. I'm sorry it hasn't brought you the feelings you expected, but if you can focus on the joy (& possibly even independence) it has brought an older person & come to terms with the fact that not doing it wouldn't bring your Dad back and it was likely to have been unsuitable for a younger person, hopefully in time you can feel more positive about it.

However you feel is ok though, I just hope you can feel better for YOUR sake.

Much love, it's bloody hard xx

@JaneExotic

I understand. But I’m also touched to think of an elderly man, who many people would think was too old to bother with, being able to see his wife/children/grandkids/dog/view from the window etc. Whatever the situation, his quality of life will have improved, thanks to you and your dad x

This.

You did a wonderful thing in extremely difficult circumstances.
My condolences for your loss xx

I do understand where you’re coming from. Someone very close to me lost their 17 year old child, 4 organs were donated and when the letter came it was all people in their 50s and 60s. I felt really blindsided as I had assumed they would go to saving the lives of youngsters. It took me a few months to come to terms with it and realise that those people really did deserve those organs. This was several years ago now and I can see how irrational it all was. Be kind to yourself.

@JaneExotic

I understand. But I’m also touched to think of an elderly man, who many people would think was too old to bother with, being able to see his wife/children/grandkids/dog/view from the window etc. Whatever the situation, his quality of life will have improved, thanks to you and your dad x

I second this. Many 84 year olds has SO much life to live and would appreciate this every single minute of every day. 💐

There have been obituaries of people over a 100 recently, so maybe that lucky guy gets an improved life for another 15 yrs.
However I do understand what you felt. Maybe it would be interesting to hear your opinion in 13 months time.

I’m so sorry about your dad. You must be heartbroken.

I think it’s pretty clear from your post that your real issue isn’t that your dad’s cornea went to someone elderly, but that you understandably had built up the donation into part of the grieving process and was expecting to feel something different. I think when we read about organ donation etc we tend to read about the stories that are most likely to encourage people to donate - so they focus on young, PR-friendly recipients and that’s what we picture when we think of organ or tissue donation.

Others have made excellent points about the age of the recipient - this could make a vast difference to the next 10 or 15 years of his life. He may well be a fit, sharp 85-year-old whose eyesight is the only barrier to his independence. The transplant might be the thing that allows him to care for his wife rather her having to go into a home. There are so many wonderful ways in which you and your lovely dad could have made a tremendous difference not just to the recipient but to their whole family, and you did an incredible thing.

You did a really good thing and I think your dad would be delighted. You've given an older person the gift of sight again, of the last chance to see their partner or watch their children and grandchildren grow up.
You've given them some independence too, and you've shown them that at the most difficult time in life, that someone cared.
Hang your medal high, you did a great thing.