Tissue donated to an 85 year old

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This is a mild aibu, as in if I’m BU please don’t be mean about it, it’s a painful situation.

I lost my father, quite traumatically in the summer. I used the staff loo in the itu and I saw the poster for involuntary organ and tissue donation in the toilet. I’ve always said when I die, If possible I’d want them to take everything and to tell my loved ones of all those helped/ saved. When he passed, I asked the nurse about it and they mentioned due to cancer he wouldn’t be a candidate for organ donation (which I was really disappointed about) but could donate some tissue if we were happy to progress. Nhs BT called and explained it all and it helped me through the grief was the mantra ‘the worst day of my life could be/ could lead to the best day of someone else’s. I thought it would bring me peace and this greater sense of understanding/ the circle of life if we got told that someone would be able to see again.

So we got the letter today, one cornea was used for an 85 year old and the other one was unusable even for research. But I don’t feel the peace/ understanding that I thought I would. I don’t know if it’s not how I envisioned in my head, a young person people able to see again or see for the first time and it was someone who was close to 20 years older than my father. I don’t know if it’s because the other was useless or i don’t know if it’s because I’d hyped it up so much in my head but it all feels anti climactic.

Please don’t mistake this for ageism, I am glad someone life has been made better by my dads and that he’s still touching lives after he’s gone but I’d like to understand my feelings and if they are irrational

Please be kind

I am so sorry for your loss. May his memory become a blessing. YABU but its an understandable YABU. You had one lot of expectations and it didn't work out that way. Feelings are feelings and whatever you feel is valid and expectations are funny things.

I used to work with people in the community who were having massive council funded alterations to their homes to help with the care of very disabled people...lifts, wet rooms, bedroom extensions....huge stuff. It was a known thing that when the job was finished, people would find fault with tiny things....wrong tile colour although they had chosen it...the paint was too smelly...a creaky door..... it seemed to be because even though they knew it (and it was openly discussed) they seemed to have some kind of expectation that having the alteration would actually make the person better....actually heal them a bit...so that they would be more able to do something totally unrelated...eg having a wet room would make them more able to feed themselves. It brought them face to face again with the knowledge that the disability was permanent.
Can I suggest that this could be a part of your issue? You expected a wonderful feeling of comfort and it didn't happen and you are still bereaved?

It might be what allows this 85 year old to see his grandchildren. I think its worth it.

My mum is a transplant recipient, she had it when she was in her early 60's and it has meant that she got to meet her granddaughter who she has a wonderful bond with. Without it she would have been dead 10 years ago. I thank the donor and their family everyday for the wonderful gift they gave us and I hope, I really do, that they can find comfort in the knowledge that their tragic loss gave our family our mum back.

You and your dad have given a wonderful gift, the gift of sight. I understand your feelings and they are valid but you should be really proud of the difference you makes to someone else's life.

As others have said, however you feel is valid. You’re grieving, everyone grieves different and sometimes what we think will help us doesn’t.

I do think you built up a big scenario in your head about giving someone a better quality of life, and although you aren’t trying to be ageist there will be that part in most people that thinks it’s almost a waste, compared to giving it to someone younger.

But
I have been blind since birth, I cope, because there are no viable surgical options for me. I learnt to adapt at a young age, and I have never known any better.

I was young enough to learn how to use assistive technology etc.

My grandmother however, had perfect vision for most of her life, now, she is almost blind, and struggling to live independently. A lot of the things available to help her with her sight loss are too technical and complicated for her to learn.

If someone were to donate tissue and the choice was between giving it to my granny who is in her 90s, or me, (I’m in my 30s) I’d chose for it to go to her, because while it would be wonderful to see, I am coping and she is not.

What you have done is amazing, and that’s what you should focus on,

Thank you for donating. I do understand that your gut feeling says, it should have gone to someone younger but do not underestimate the importantance for older people.

DH's grandmother lost nearly all vision on both eyes and that was the point she had to move into assisted living instead of living alone which she would have been perfectly capable of otherwise. She never saw DD, only felt and heard her. It broke her heart. No idea f she would have been a candiate for it but I could only imagine how much it would have meant for her.

She was 87 but still lived on for another 5 years.

Your donation shows how important organ donations are, even small things.

I’m so sorry about your father. It’s a wonderful thing that you and your family did.

I’m a nurse and I’ve worked with lots of older people who are losing their eyesight. Your father’s cornea will have had a massive impact on the person it was donated to- it will allow them far more mobility and independence as well as allowing them to engage in activities they enjoy (reading, watching TV, most hobbies etc) and be able to see their loved ones.

In my experience families of donors often have mixed feelings, especially in the few months after the person’s death. There’s often an expectation that donation will provide a sense of meaning or help with the grieving process.
Whilst it’s a wonderful gift to someone else it can’t (and shouldn’t) stop you feeling all the complex emotions that come with grief.

Your very kind deed has helped make a vulnerable lady in poor health have a few more years of quality. sorry for your loss.

@JaneExotic

I understand. But I’m also touched to think of an elderly man, who many people would think was too old to bother with, being able to see his wife/children/grandkids/dog/view from the window etc. Whatever the situation, his quality of life will have improved, thanks to you and your dad x

I thought of exactly that.

I am so, so grateful to your father.

My DM is older than your tissue recipient - and I cannot tell you how vital and central she is to my life. And how much her continued health and ability to enjoy life matters to her and to all her family. If she had needed donated tissue or organs at 85 we would all have wept with joy if she were offered them.

Your father’s donation will have made such a difference to someone’s life. I am sorry you have lost him - but you can feel very proud of what he, and you, have given so generously.

My FIL lost most of his vision in his mid 80s. Since he already had a significant hearing loss he became effectively deaf-blind and consequently totally miserable. If he had been able to receive the wonderful gift of someone's corneal tissue it would have made such a difference to his last 10 years. You did a really good thing in offering your dad's tissue. I'm sorry it hasn't made you feel better in the way you hoped, but you are still grieving. Hang on to the fact that you should be proud of what you did and your dad has left a great legacy because of you.

Can I give the older persons viewpoint. I’m 74 and 4 years ago my cataracts I’d had for a long time suddenly got worse, my vision went from -5 to -10. The day I went to pick my granddaughter up from nursery was the day I realised things were bad, she ran off across the playground and I couldn’t see her. I couldn’t drive, read, sew, it got so bad I couldn’t go out on my own, my husband had to tell me where steps were, I didn’t dare cross the roads in case I ended up under a bus. My world was a brown sepia blur.
I had my first cataract op March 2020, just before the first lockdown.
The day after, when the eye patch off, I was amazed, it was like I’d been given a HD eyeball..
I was open mouthed in amazement…the other eye was still pants but at least I could see! I saw colours I’d forgotten existed. I was no longer a danger to myself or anyone else. Due to COVID the second eye wasn’t done until Nov 2020.
I know the circumstances are different however the recipient of the wonderful gift of sight will be forever grateful.
You’ve changed his or her life.

I think a few posters have hit the nail on the head, the fact that the cornea may be only used for a few years (potentially) and that I expected it to heal me, you know like in a movie, the greater good etc. I think that’s probably why i was crushed when I found out they couldn’t use his heart valves. You know I was actually really eagerly awaiting and almost looking forward to the day we got the certificate and medal. They also send photos of where they put the person on the hero tree in their HQ. I was planning to pay it a visit too, although I suspect that will be anticlimactic too. I thought when I die, and if they can take my organs they might be able to hang my name next to his. I think I’d given it too much thought.

As a PP said, given one was unusable I think the longevity of the tissue was taking into consideration too.

I’d not thought about being able to see grandchildren for the first time or even the sun again.

Yes, it's emotional and irrational but you're allowed to feel this way. Grief isn't rational. It's emotional. You lost someone dear to you, go easy on yourself.

An uncle has recently died a week before his 104th birthday. Your relative may have helped someone who could go on for a while yet. That 85 year olds family will be very grateful for the tissue donation

I am sorry about your Dad OP.
If it helps in any way I have an 89 year old DGGM, she has recently had a laser procedure on her eyes and it has made such a huge difference to her life. We live in another country and she can finally see my DC (her great-great-grandchildren) again on video whereas a few months ago they were a blur and she would call them the wrong names because she could not see them, it has made such a huge difference to her at such a fragile age.
If someone donated a cornea to help her do the same thing I would be eternally grateful to them.

I am so sorry you have lost your Dad. I donated tissue from my Dad for research so I understand some of what you’re feeling.
Decisions on who was helped by the cornea from your Dad would have been made by evaluating how long it was likely to last, how much it was needed , how well the recipient would cope etc.
An elderly person can get huge benefit from a cornea, when someone elderly loses their vision they are then more likely to be seriously injured or even die from a fall. Their confidence and quality of life can be even more affected that in someone young.
You and your Dad have made a difference to the later years of an elderly person, and so also to the lives of his family, and that is a lovely thing to have done.

If someone is healthy, then that transplant may help them to live independently for many years.
It may also be that it wasn't in good enough condition to give to someone younger i.e. it improved vision but not as much as a younger cornea would, so was given to an older patient on purpose.

The gift of sight is immeasurable

My elderly MIL is very partially sighted -
It is hugely scary for her -
Limits her life massively
Old age sucks but not being able to see properly really makes it tough
If you Dear Dad has helped some old bod be less afraid and have a bit of quality of life I think that’s amazing - and I commend you in very difficult circumstances

Bear in mind an organ doesn't necessarily last forever, I know of a young transplant patient who is back on the list as the donated organ has started to deteriorate after 10 years.
Donating is a wonderful gift and helps in a multitude of ways.

YANBU, I'd feel exactly the same as you do.
Organ donation is a zero sum game. All well and good to be all 'oooh make their remaining years count' but that just means someone else who'd have gotten more use, and who could actually achieve something with their life and family loses out. An 85 year old is unlikely to.
It also feels a bit unfair quite frankly because they got the better deal. They had more years of life than your father, and they're STILL alive, while your father's dead. Getting his cornea is the cherry on top, they're already lucky that they're not dead yet.

It sounds cruel but it's the logical truth, IMO having gone through similar people telling you #bekind just causes you to surpress it.
Be angry if you wish, but know that it wasn't useless. Just not the 'most efficient', and life is unfair, it's ok to be mad at that.

Everyone else can speculate about 'my great-grandmother and other old people blah blah' but they wont' understand unless they've been in your position. It's the unfairness of it all that rankles really.

Also to add feelings aren't 'rational', or 'nice'. They are what they are.
#JUst go through all the greiving stages and never think of yourself as a bad person. You are NEVER U for feeling what you feel when grieving!

What a beautiful gift your father gave, you should be so very proud. I can't imagine your grief, but you have given someone their sight back. That is a wonderful gift, I can't imagine loosing my sight at any age, it must be so hard to think you'll never see loved ones again or even something as simple as nature around us. Your father has made that a possibility for someone. It's a beautiful thing