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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Tissue donated to an 85 year old

217 replies

Nc4post99 · 02/03/2022 16:52

This is a mild aibu, as in if I’m BU please don’t be mean about it, it’s a painful situation.

I lost my father, quite traumatically in the summer. I used the staff loo in the itu and I saw the poster for involuntary organ and tissue donation in the toilet. I’ve always said when I die, If possible I’d want them to take everything and to tell my loved ones of all those helped/ saved. When he passed, I asked the nurse about it and they mentioned due to cancer he wouldn’t be a candidate for organ donation (which I was really disappointed about) but could donate some tissue if we were happy to progress. Nhs BT called and explained it all and it helped me through the grief was the mantra ‘the worst day of my life could be/ could lead to the best day of someone else’s. I thought it would bring me peace and this greater sense of understanding/ the circle of life if we got told that someone would be able to see again.

So we got the letter today, one cornea was used for an 85 year old and the other one was unusable even for research. But I don’t feel the peace/ understanding that I thought I would. I don’t know if it’s not how I envisioned in my head, a young person people able to see again or see for the first time and it was someone who was close to 20 years older than my father. I don’t know if it’s because the other was useless or i don’t know if it’s because I’d hyped it up so much in my head but it all feels anti climactic.

Please don’t mistake this for ageism, I am glad someone life has been made better by my dads and that he’s still touching lives after he’s gone but I’d like to understand my feelings and if they are irrational

Please be kind

OP posts:
ShirleyPhallus · 02/03/2022 16:54

I think with such an emotive thing you have no way to know how you’d react. Any feelings are totally valid and you shouldn’t feel bad about it, just acknowledge and work through them

Sorry for your loss Flowers

TheUnexpectedPickle · 02/03/2022 16:56

I think your only mistake was thinking it would heal the wound left by the death of your beloved dad. Grief is a tricky thing, it doesn't behave as we would like or wish.

I'm not sure it would really have helped you even if it had been a 20 year old. You'd still be mourning your dad. And that's ok!

You did a wonderful thing and I'm sure your dad would be very proud of you.

Sorry for your loss pet Flowers

JaneExotic · 02/03/2022 16:57

I understand. But I’m also touched to think of an elderly man, who many people would think was too old to bother with, being able to see his wife/children/grandkids/dog/view from the window etc.
Whatever the situation, his quality of life will have improved, thanks to you and your dad x

Fluffyflowerpot · 02/03/2022 16:57

I can see it was disappointing that one couldn’t be used, but what a wonderful gift to give to someone - to be able to see again - whatever their age! My DM is 84, still very healthy and active (just flew out on holiday this morning!), and I know what a difference this would make to her if she needed it. It must be a very difficult time for you though Flowers

Chocolattay · 02/03/2022 16:57

I think your feeling is valid. A loved one of mine donated organs and we later found out one had gone to a teenager, it provided his kids great comfort. I think had the organ gone to somebody decades older than their dad then they’d have felt a bit…I’m not sure there is a word for it. ‘Cheated’ doesn’t seem right, nor does ‘disappointed’. I really can’t think of a word for it but I know what you mean.

Saucery · 02/03/2022 16:57

You had a situation in your head that the reality didn’t match and that’s absolutely fine. You can feel how you want about it, making such a decision at a very stressful and upsetting time.
Maybe you can rewrite the scenario in your mind to make you feel better, or maybe you won’t. Either is ok.
I am sorry for your loss Flowers

Littlemissprosecco · 02/03/2022 16:58

Your feelings are totally valid. But imagine an 80 year old going blind and losing all their mobility and independence without your father’s cornea. I’m sure the 89 year olds family are eternally grateful, I know I would be. The elderly are often an afterthought.

Mrsjayy · 02/03/2022 16:59

I agree with your feelings are your own, I think with donation it goes by "the list " and the 85 year old was next in line. I'm sorry about your dad you did a good thing by donating Flowers

Mrsjayy · 02/03/2022 17:00

With others*

Retrievemysanity · 02/03/2022 17:00

Sorry for your loss. I heard a Stacey Dooley Fresh Starts podcast about a young man who received a cornea transplant recently. I really recommend it, it’s on Iplayer. Yes, in this case it was a younger person but I imagine the feelings of gratitude and the life changing enormity of it are the same regardless of age.

DisforDarkChocolate · 02/03/2022 17:01

I think you're being hard on yourself, but that's hardly surprising.

At 85, the recipient will be able to live out the rest of their life being able to see their loved ones. That is a massive gift, a wonderful gift. When you consider how small your world can become when you're 85 the impact on his wellbeing will have been immense. Thank you.

BlanketsBanned · 02/03/2022 17:01

Sorry to hear about your dad, these are didficult times for you but he has helped someone, their age shouldn't matter, I didnt know they told people who has received donated tissue .

coodawoodashooda · 02/03/2022 17:02

@JaneExotic

I understand. But I’m also touched to think of an elderly man, who many people would think was too old to bother with, being able to see his wife/children/grandkids/dog/view from the window etc. Whatever the situation, his quality of life will have improved, thanks to you and your dad x
I think this.
Crunchymum · 02/03/2022 17:04

You did a good thing, an amazing thing.

Even if it improved someone's life for a day or a week, it was better than doing nothing.

You are allowed to feel how you feel, its still very raw and very early for you. Be kind to yourself.

Original poster
Nc4post99 · 02/03/2022 17:04

@BlanketsBanned

Sorry to hear about your dad, these are didficult times for you but he has helped someone, their age shouldn't matter, I didnt know they told people who has received donated tissue .
Nhs BT asked if we wanted to be notified and I really did. I was really hoping that he was eligible to donate his heart valves but due to the cancer they weren’t able to.
OP posts:
Clymene · 02/03/2022 17:07

What a wonderfully kind thing you've done. Your dad has made a real difference to someone else's life and that's entirely down to your generosity.

I have a friend who is a recipient of a donor organ and he is so grateful every single day to his donor and their family. I'm sure this man and his family feel the same way about you

I'm so very sorry for your loss ThanksThanksThanks

Mrsmadevans · 02/03/2022 17:08

I am so sorry for your loss OP Flowers
How do you think your Dad would feel about his cornea giving someone sight regardless of their age ? Do you think he would be delighted and so proud of you lovely . I am sure he would be .
You were very brave to make that decision bless you .

AlternativePerspective · 02/03/2022 17:09

OP, if a donation from someone else would have made your dad’s life better/would have meant he would still be here today, would you want to take it?

Because ultimately no-one wants to suffer a los, and while your father’s cornea was donated to someone, presumably if things had been the other way around and a donation would have saved him, you would have wanted that and wouldn’t have thought that technology/treatment/donation should go to someone younger?

When we opt to donate organs or tissue, we need to do so in order to help someone else in the aftermath of the loss of our loved one. Who that someone is is irrelevant in the scheme of things. Your loss is still real, and would still be just as real if your dad’s cornea had gone to a 20 year old.

It’s the action not the recipient that counts.

affairsofdragons · 02/03/2022 17:11

An 85 year old is still able to see due to your kindness and your father's kindness. You should be delighted, as an 85 year old would not be prioritised for a 'young' person's cornea.

RegardingMary · 02/03/2022 17:11

A corneal transplant let my grandmother see her great grandchild who had only ever been described to her. It meant the world to her, and while she may have died a few years later it meant the world to her and me that she'd had the chance

You've given an amazing gift, not just to anc85 year old, but to his entire family. Thankyou.

AlternativePerspective · 02/03/2022 17:14

At the end of the day no-one wants to be in a position to donate their loved one’s organs. It’s something they want to do in the absence of hope and the ability to do so. Iyswim.

I need a heart transplant, although I am currently skirting just on the edge of having to go on the list, and the one thing I have struggled with from the day I was told I need a transplant is the fact that in order for me to have a longer term future, someone else will have to die. I would rather they didn’t have to, and similarly my family would rather I didn’t die on the transplant list. But in the event I do, I want any viable parts of me to be donated where possible. I don’t actually know if any of me will be eligible, but that’s up to the professionals to decide.

Onlinetherapist · 02/03/2022 17:15

I wonder if you are feeling disappointed that the 85 year old won’t get to enjoy his new cornea for as many years as if he had been younger?

FrecklesMalone · 02/03/2022 17:16

A remember a video of a very old man having his bandages removed after an eye op and being able to see his grandchildren for the first time. It was very touching and he sobbed with joy. I am very sorry for you losing your Dad. Nothing will make up for that as he is your Dad but you and he did a good thing.

oviraptor21 · 02/03/2022 17:17

I'm wondering if, given that one cornea wasn't usable, perhaps the other one was considered better for someone older who wouldn't need it for so long?
Whatever the reason, it was a very selfless thing for you to do.
Please don't think if it as somehow lesser in any way. You have given someone one of the greatest gifts, that of sight, and that will mean the world to them.
Please now take care of yourself and allow yourself to grieve the loss of your father without distraction.

Ionlydomassiveones · 02/03/2022 17:18

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