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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Not want MIL living with us

265 replies

Seema1234 · 28/02/2022 05:59

Our youngest is due to leave home next year.

ILS have no assets (ILs went bankrupt about 20 years ago) and they live in a council house now after losing their home. No reason other than they are hopeless with money and for t hemselves into loads of debt.

MIL has been complaining about her husband (DHs stepdad) for about 20 years. It comes around in full circle and whilst I acknowledge he's a pain , she has never done anything to change her situation.

Yesterday she told DH that she intends on leaving her DH but can't as she has no where to go as no assets. DH then offered for her to move in here once DS goes to university next year. Confused

For context, there is no abuse going on as far as I know. Her DH is just selfish and sometimes she gets fed up of it. I get that.

Im not one of these who dread the children flying the nest Grin. I've had it all planned, looking forward to having the house back to ourselves. .
We wanted to sell up in a few years and maybe buy somewhere smaller. We had plans to travel, lots of weekends away and want to live in a particular place for a year.

Now MIL is going to scupper all of that. Once she's here that will be it. She's 75 now , so that could be another 20 years of me looking after an elderly woman who has nowhere to go.

I just feel Angry. Their financial screw ups have had alot of impact on us over the years. They turn to us whenever they want money, which has been alot.

I'm hoping it won't happen , but she texted me yesterday to thank us as now she knows she can leave stepdad.

Aibu?

OP posts:
MartinMartinMarti · 28/02/2022 06:00

Christ.

I would make very clear that if she moves in, you will move out.

Original poster
Seema1234 · 28/02/2022 06:01

And she told DH she can't leave and go somewhere else as the council won't house her whilst she has a place to live.

OP posts:
coodawoodashooda · 28/02/2022 06:02

Yeah. Straight and simple. No.

KindlyKanga · 28/02/2022 06:03

I would be so annoyed with DH for not discussing this with me first. Can you move out?

LollyLol · 28/02/2022 06:04

Yes tell your DH if she moves in, you move out. He will feel VERY differently when he is the one caring for an elderly woman all alone. How dare he offer that without a full discussion with you?

Therunecaster · 28/02/2022 06:05

In different circumstances my father moved in with me 7 years ago. Whilst I love him it has been the worst mistake I have made. Little privacy, kids get frustrated and it makes me sad. There are some good things but if I could I would never have gotten into this arrangement.

ILikeYourButt · 28/02/2022 06:06

Not a chance in hell. If she moves in, I would move out. And it would be the end of my marriage because it would be clear as day my DH had zero respect for me. Then I’d enjoy my empty nest. Grin

frazzledasarock · 28/02/2022 06:06

I’d make sure H knows he will be moving out if he invites life long guests into your home who you are meant to care for.

I would completely refuse.

Rainbowqueeen · 28/02/2022 06:07

That is incredibly unfair of your DH. I get that she is his mum but you are his wife. The council would house her if she left her H if there were no other options.

I would also make it very clear that you will be moving out.

Original poster
Seema1234 · 28/02/2022 06:10

Tha m you for sharing that and sorry to hear it's been so difficult. I feel selfish , I do like MIL in small doses. But she's incredibly anxious and negative which I find exhausting. It's also been very annoying having to subsidise them over the years. When our children were small we were constantly helping them with £. It was the other way round for most of our friends! I get annoyed as it's not bad luck, it's just stupidity as they loved behind their means.

OP posts:
Elfsumflowerpig · 28/02/2022 06:10

I would be furious with your H for okaying this. He needs to rescind the offer.

Original poster
Seema1234 · 28/02/2022 06:12

I meant lived beyond their means..Smile

No pensions or savings. Just spend, spend, spend.

OP posts:
Seymour5 · 28/02/2022 06:16

@Seema1234

And she told DH she can't leave and go somewhere else as the council won't house her whilst she has a place to live.
Look into older people’s housing in your area. It may be possible to find her a sheltered flat via a housing association. I can’t believe your DH just made that offer. You deserve to enjoy some child free years.
Migrainesbythedozen · 28/02/2022 06:16

I'm hoping it won't happen

Excuse me? OP, please, I don't mean to be harsh, but wtf is wrong with you? I WON'T HAPPEN because you SAY it won't happen! Grow up, be an adult, and tell her your husband didn't ask you and you're sorry but it won't be happening. Put on your big woman pants, tell your husband he had no right to invite another person to live in your house without asking you, that if she moves in, you are moving out. Then tell her she can't move in.

It really is that simple. Be an adult and say NO!!.

Jesus christ this site pisses me off lately. So many women won't adult and just roll over. You just say NO! It really is that simple OP. It is that fucking simple!

GeneLovesJezebel · 28/02/2022 06:18

Absolutely not.
I assume you own half of your house, so your DH has no right to let her live in your house without your permission.

Polyanthus2 · 28/02/2022 06:19

OMG ...NO
Could they divorce. then she or FIL move out and get another council house. Will depend on where you live and availability of council houses. Speak to social housing fast and seek a solution.

MinnieMountain · 28/02/2022 06:23

No way.

MIL moved in with us for the first lockdown. Whilst we get on well normally, the lack of privacy and the fact she was always there was very hard.

Chocolateandmintcronuts · 28/02/2022 06:26

Absolutely no way could I cope with this. How could your husband even offer this without asking you first! Shock

rwalker · 28/02/2022 06:26

Her or you ultmatume

lurker69 · 28/02/2022 06:30

You have to say this is not happening now, before it gets out if hand. I would rather divorce my husband than spend year living with his mother! why would he even say that to her? what was he thinking?

lurker69 · 28/02/2022 06:31

*was supposed to say years

Mummywantsaweewee · 28/02/2022 06:33

Text her back and say she can always leave her husband but she’s misunderstood and won’t be living with you.
Just do it.
Then tell your husband he can leave and live with his mother but she’s not living in YOUR house.
If you need a reason to give and can’t bear to be honest you can always point out DS will be back Easter, Summer and Christmas when university students are on holiday.
To echo PP don’t feel bad or awkward just pull your knickers up and do it for goodness sake. Don’t get stuck with her!!

Ilikewinter · 28/02/2022 06:34

Oh wow, NO NO NO!!.
You need to tell him plain and simple its not going to happen. I imagine that this now will cause massive fall out - when he tells her no its all going come come back on being your fault ...... and it absolutely isnt.

DaphneduM · 28/02/2022 06:35

Absolutely not. Also you may find that the rules around elderly people's flats and small houses/bungalows are pretty lax and flexible. For example someone I know already had a privately owned house that they had inherited, but still managed to get a retirement bungalow. Don't feel guilty. It would be a nightmare and it sounds as though she's never taken responsibility for her finances either, so you'd be subsidising her too. Whatever was your husband thinking?

timeisnotaline · 28/02/2022 06:39

Can you go and stay with a friend and message your dh since you aren’t being consulted about who lives there you assume he doesn’t think it’s your house too? That’s not ok!!