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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Not want MIL living with us

265 replies

Seema1234 · 28/02/2022 05:59

Our youngest is due to leave home next year.

ILS have no assets (ILs went bankrupt about 20 years ago) and they live in a council house now after losing their home. No reason other than they are hopeless with money and for t hemselves into loads of debt.

MIL has been complaining about her husband (DHs stepdad) for about 20 years. It comes around in full circle and whilst I acknowledge he's a pain , she has never done anything to change her situation.

Yesterday she told DH that she intends on leaving her DH but can't as she has no where to go as no assets. DH then offered for her to move in here once DS goes to university next year. Confused

For context, there is no abuse going on as far as I know. Her DH is just selfish and sometimes she gets fed up of it. I get that.

Im not one of these who dread the children flying the nest Grin. I've had it all planned, looking forward to having the house back to ourselves. .
We wanted to sell up in a few years and maybe buy somewhere smaller. We had plans to travel, lots of weekends away and want to live in a particular place for a year.

Now MIL is going to scupper all of that. Once she's here that will be it. She's 75 now , so that could be another 20 years of me looking after an elderly woman who has nowhere to go.

I just feel Angry. Their financial screw ups have had alot of impact on us over the years. They turn to us whenever they want money, which has been alot.

I'm hoping it won't happen , but she texted me yesterday to thank us as now she knows she can leave stepdad.

Aibu?

OP posts:
stripeyflowers · 28/02/2022 14:57

I do feel for your MIL but this is not your problem. I would be really hurt and angry if my husband volunteered me for the very potential future role of live in carer for his mum. It's not right.

robovac · 28/02/2022 14:57

Nope, I won't even consider it if it's my own parents. Sure it is the same feeling if I ask them to come live with me too.

Original poster
Seema1234 · 28/02/2022 21:57

Thank you all. I should have said that I am in a mixed race relationship - DH is white British so I wouldn't say culture is relevant in terms of this. I spoke to DH tonight and I think he's on the same page as me now. I am hoping MIls marriage woes blow over.

OP posts:
Migrainesbythedozen · 28/02/2022 22:53

@Seema1234

Thank you all. I should have said that I am in a mixed race relationship - DH is white British so I wouldn't say culture is relevant in terms of this. I spoke to DH tonight and I think he's on the same page as me now. I am hoping MIls marriage woes blow over.
@Seema1234 I think he's on the same page as me now

You think he is? ?? You need to make 100% sure!

newbiename · 28/02/2022 23:05

@Seema1234

Thank you all. I should have said that I am in a mixed race relationship - DH is white British so I wouldn't say culture is relevant in terms of this. I spoke to DH tonight and I think he's on the same page as me now. I am hoping MIls marriage woes blow over.
Just make sure he knows this is never going to happen or you'll be gone. I'd text her myself , just to make sure.
Doratheexploret · 01/03/2022 00:08

I’d kill my DH if he did that. I’d just point blank refuse!

Other option is to let her move in and have loads of lovely holidays on your own! Let him look after her.

ChocolateMassacre · 01/03/2022 07:06

@Seema1234

Thank you all. I should have said that I am in a mixed race relationship - DH is white British so I wouldn't say culture is relevant in terms of this. I spoke to DH tonight and I think he's on the same page as me now. I am hoping MIls marriage woes blow over.
Good. Tell him the day MIL moves in, you move out (and then take half the house).

I'm sure it's not that you don't like her. I like lots of people. Doesn't mean I want to live with them. As an adult, you get to choose which other adults you live with.

NoSquirrels · 01/03/2022 07:08

You “hope” her marriage woes will blow over? You “think” he’s on the same page? Hmm

Who’s telling her with absolute clarity that she’s not moving in with you?

2DogsOnMySofa · 01/03/2022 07:41

You 'think' mil's woes will blow over?? I'd be telling your dh to inform his dm that although he initially though it was a good idea, after talking it through he's decided it's now not possible. He could help her look for assisted housing etc but there's no way I'd leave it in the 'hope' it won't happen. He needs to grow a backbone and TELL her it's no longer an option. If he won't, I'd suggest you take matters into your own hands and tell her, otherwise you'll get a phone call one day or she'll turn up on the door step

Lottapianos · 01/03/2022 08:40

OP, nothing is going to 'blow over'. She is in a miserable marriage, she is excited about moving in with you and has told you so. She WILL be moving in with you unless you stop being so passive, put your foot down and say no. As many other posters have said, it is outrageous for your husband to expect you to put up with this, and you don't want it. I understand it is hard to assert yourself if you're not used to doing so, but this is your life and your sanity we're talking about. It's not a time for wishing and hoping

Motherofgorgons · 01/03/2022 08:48

So very odd that your DH is white British and keen on this, as well as supporting his parents for so many years. You need to speak up v loudly now.

Itsthemaybelline · 01/03/2022 08:53

@Motherofgorgons

So very odd that your DH is white British and keen on this, as well as supporting his parents for so many years. You need to speak up v loudly now.
Not very odd at all. Many men generously offer to help their parents while fully expecting their wives or partners to do the work.
Polyanthus2 · 01/03/2022 11:59

My DB did this - he is in his 70s so I suppose an older generation - when my DM couldn't manage at home alone he suggested she move in with him and his DW. He was a workaholic so never around, he assumed DW would see to DM. (it didn't happen thankfully)

Bentley123 · 01/03/2022 17:05

From personal experience it’s incredibly hard living with a parent or inlaw, even if you choose to and get on. My mother lives with her mum and it’s been awful. My grandma needs care though and probably couldn’t live alone so it’s needed or she’d go to a home. It also doesn’t actually sound like she needs to be ‘looked’ after yet. Could you text back nicely to say you’ve talked it through with DH and you’ll help and support her leaving by helping her to get her own place. If she’s in any immediate danger to contact domestic abuse services. Emotional/financial and physical are all abuse. I’d be very annoyed if hadn’t been discussed with me such a huge thing!

01nicola · 01/03/2022 17:12

Dear God
It's incredulous that it wasn't discussed with you. Wow!!
Good luck!

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