Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Not want MIL living with us

265 replies

Seema1234 · 28/02/2022 05:59

Our youngest is due to leave home next year.

ILS have no assets (ILs went bankrupt about 20 years ago) and they live in a council house now after losing their home. No reason other than they are hopeless with money and for t hemselves into loads of debt.

MIL has been complaining about her husband (DHs stepdad) for about 20 years. It comes around in full circle and whilst I acknowledge he's a pain , she has never done anything to change her situation.

Yesterday she told DH that she intends on leaving her DH but can't as she has no where to go as no assets. DH then offered for her to move in here once DS goes to university next year. Confused

For context, there is no abuse going on as far as I know. Her DH is just selfish and sometimes she gets fed up of it. I get that.

Im not one of these who dread the children flying the nest Grin. I've had it all planned, looking forward to having the house back to ourselves. .
We wanted to sell up in a few years and maybe buy somewhere smaller. We had plans to travel, lots of weekends away and want to live in a particular place for a year.

Now MIL is going to scupper all of that. Once she's here that will be it. She's 75 now , so that could be another 20 years of me looking after an elderly woman who has nowhere to go.

I just feel Angry. Their financial screw ups have had alot of impact on us over the years. They turn to us whenever they want money, which has been alot.

I'm hoping it won't happen , but she texted me yesterday to thank us as now she knows she can leave stepdad.

Aibu?

OP posts:
ImAvingOops · 28/02/2022 07:53

Another one saying to put a stop to this quick!
I'd totally lose my shit with dh if he promised such a thing without any discussion!

ParisLondonTokyoSlough · 28/02/2022 07:54

Did he discuss this with you first?!

Phobiaphobic · 28/02/2022 07:55

Your husband agreed his mother could move in without discussing it with you first?

I think you have more problems than just your MIL, tbh.

Stompythedinosaur · 28/02/2022 07:55

Surely your ds will still need a room at home to stay in during holidays?

I would support her to leave, but not to live in your house.

WeAllHaveWings · 28/02/2022 07:56

@MartinMartinMarti

Christ.

I would make very clear that if she moves in, you will move out.

I would make it clear if he wants to live with mummy he does it elsewhere and you'll stay put!
Phobiaphobic · 28/02/2022 07:56

@Migrainesbythedozen

I'm hoping it won't happen

Excuse me? OP, please, I don't mean to be harsh, but wtf is wrong with you? I WON'T HAPPEN because you SAY it won't happen! Grow up, be an adult, and tell her your husband didn't ask you and you're sorry but it won't be happening. Put on your big woman pants, tell your husband he had no right to invite another person to live in your house without asking you, that if she moves in, you are moving out. Then tell her she can't move in.

It really is that simple. Be an adult and say NO!!.

Jesus christ this site pisses me off lately. So many women won't adult and just roll over. You just say NO! It really is that simple OP. It is that fucking simple!

Yes.
crosbystillsandmash · 28/02/2022 07:57

Can you explain why your dh offered this to her without any prior discussion with you?

I cannot get my head around your relationship.
Dh & I spent 10 minutes discussing which new microwave we wanted yesterday, insignificant really but we make decisions together - big and small!!

hellcatspangle · 28/02/2022 07:59

You need to make it very clear to your dh that he has to rescind this offer immediately, or you’ll be making plans to move out. Do not sit back and let this happen.

Itsthemaybelline · 28/02/2022 08:05

As above, just no. Also, your youngest isn't leaving home, they're going to uni, and will still be at home for long periods of time for the next 3 to 4 years.

comfortablyfrumpy · 28/02/2022 08:06

It would not be remotely selfish for you to say no.

Your husband should have talked this through with you properly first of all.

If she moves in, I think hers won't be the only divorce in the offing.

As others have said, your son will still need his room

Also , I noted you say it would be you doing the caring .... again, no.

Please stand firm or that peaceful retirement you imagined won't be happening.

MrsElijahMikaelson1 · 28/02/2022 08:08

Hmm just say no

lapasion · 28/02/2022 08:08

Uni holidays are really long. He’ll leave late September, probably have a reading week a few weeks later and want to come back, then a month off for Xmas… my uni used to break up late May and we wouldn’t be back until early October! Unless he rents a room over the summer, your youngest will still need a bed.

MIL should get onto the council. Older people with larger council houses are often offered smaller places, so bigger homes can get freed up.

iRun2eatCake · 28/02/2022 08:10

OP - if you let this happen then you've basically done exactly what your MIL has.... i.e not made changes to your situation.

Your life is basically over now as you know it as you'll need to be at home with her 24/7.

If you allow her to move in... even just for a "break" from the husband, she'll never leave.

You are at a very pivotal point in your life, and depending on what you choose to do now will impact it for the rest of your days

saraclara · 28/02/2022 08:12

"I'm sorry MIL, but DH did not discuss this before offering, and nor did he think it through. Though DS is going to uni he will still need his room on the holidays and potentially when he finishes his course and is looking for work.
This isn't going to be an option, but we're happy to help you research alternatives and contact the council"

girlmom21 · 28/02/2022 08:15

@Motherofgorgons

Suspect the OP is Asian . In Asian cultures DC live with their parents. I will be living with my widowed mother in the future and DH will be sharing care with his sister. This isn't to say the OP needs to do the same in this situation.
This would be fine if it was cultural and it was always the intention. It's completely logical. But this is completely out of the blue because MIL doesn't like her husband. It's very different.
Metalguru22 · 28/02/2022 08:15

I'd be telling husband that he needs to understand this isn't happening. Needs to confirm that he's told his mum as well. Because you need to know because if he plans for this to happen you will be divorcing him and he can see if he can manage to live with his mum on his own. After buying a property with his half of your assets after divorce.

SpellitwithaY · 28/02/2022 08:18

@saraclara

"I'm sorry MIL, but DH did not discuss this before offering, and nor did he think it through. Though DS is going to uni he will still need his room on the holidays and potentially when he finishes his course and is looking for work. This isn't going to be an option, but we're happy to help you research alternatives and contact the council"
This is perfect! However your husband should really deliver the message
chiangmai · 28/02/2022 08:20

So what did you say to your DH when he went off and made a major life decision without discussing it with you?

You seem so passive...I would have been raging and told my DH to retract his offer.

Heifer · 28/02/2022 08:23

My favourite saying on MNs is very applicable right now.

No is a sentence.

Although in your shoes I would probably say NO fecking way.

Duracellbunnywannabe · 28/02/2022 08:25

@MartinMartinMarti

Christ.

I would make very clear that if she moves in, you will move out.

Me too.
Twowheelsgood · 28/02/2022 08:25

I see it is 99% YANBU, which is the highest I’ve ever seen in my short time on mumsnet. Dunno what planet the 1% are on. I’d be taking myself out for cake to celebrate my MIL free future 😋

grapewines · 28/02/2022 08:26

Does your husband often make important decisions that have great impact on your life without asking you because he knows you'll end up passively accepting it eventually?

Say no. If he doesn't accept it, he can move in somewhere with his mother.

BorderlineHappy · 28/02/2022 08:30

Why can't the stepdad leave and leave mil in the house?

LookItsMeAgain · 28/02/2022 08:31

@MartinMartinMarti

Christ.

I would make very clear that if she moves in, you will move out.

1000000% this.
LookItsMeAgain · 28/02/2022 08:33

@Seema1234

And she told DH she can't leave and go somewhere else as the council won't house her whilst she has a place to live.
By you guys taking her in, she still has a place to live and the council still won't house her.

She could be the nicest, most helpful woman in the world but even still, I wouldn't be rolling out the red carpet to welcome her in.

Swipe left for the next trending thread