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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Not want MIL living with us

265 replies

Seema1234 · 28/02/2022 05:59

Our youngest is due to leave home next year.

ILS have no assets (ILs went bankrupt about 20 years ago) and they live in a council house now after losing their home. No reason other than they are hopeless with money and for t hemselves into loads of debt.

MIL has been complaining about her husband (DHs stepdad) for about 20 years. It comes around in full circle and whilst I acknowledge he's a pain , she has never done anything to change her situation.

Yesterday she told DH that she intends on leaving her DH but can't as she has no where to go as no assets. DH then offered for her to move in here once DS goes to university next year. Confused

For context, there is no abuse going on as far as I know. Her DH is just selfish and sometimes she gets fed up of it. I get that.

Im not one of these who dread the children flying the nest Grin. I've had it all planned, looking forward to having the house back to ourselves. .
We wanted to sell up in a few years and maybe buy somewhere smaller. We had plans to travel, lots of weekends away and want to live in a particular place for a year.

Now MIL is going to scupper all of that. Once she's here that will be it. She's 75 now , so that could be another 20 years of me looking after an elderly woman who has nowhere to go.

I just feel Angry. Their financial screw ups have had alot of impact on us over the years. They turn to us whenever they want money, which has been alot.

I'm hoping it won't happen , but she texted me yesterday to thank us as now she knows she can leave stepdad.

Aibu?

OP posts:
LookItsMeAgain · 28/02/2022 08:34

@Phobiaphobic

Your husband agreed his mother could move in without discussing it with you first?

I think you have more problems than just your MIL, tbh.

This too. Has your husband had a conversation with you since he made this declaration to his mother?
The4teddybears · 28/02/2022 08:36

Her council should help her . She should approach them if she had a current tenancy . Tell them she’s splitting up and wants a place for 1 . Due to her age she will be vulnerable .

Wheresthebeach · 28/02/2022 08:37

Yeah, that's a hard no. I'd be going insane at my DH if he offered that.

gogohm · 28/02/2022 08:38

She needs to find a private rental and apply for uc/ pension credit/housing benefit

Piggy666 · 28/02/2022 08:40

I've had this conversation with my DH already
If she moves in I move out
The end

worriedatthemoment · 28/02/2022 08:42

@DaphneduM where on earth is that why would someone get social housing if they own a property, thats just wrong and certainly not normal

UnconditionalSurrender · 28/02/2022 08:50

I don't think this is about having somewhere to go. I think this is about having somewhere to go where someone will look after her. I bet if she was offered the best house in the whole world she would still say no because what she would be too anxious to live on her own.
I couldn't do it. I have already told DH if his mother moves into the same town as us I'm leaving him. I know my life would be utterly miserable.

Sswhinesthebest · 28/02/2022 08:52

You need to tell her NOW that it won’t be happening. It would be cruel to let her make decisions thinking this is an option.

And let dh know that he must NEVER do this again.

I love my parents and pil are ok but I would never agree to living with any of them.

KohlaParasaurus · 28/02/2022 08:52

Had it ever been hinted between you and DH, even briefly or as a casual theoretical notion, that if your MiL really wanted to escape her marriage rather than just complain endlessly about it she could come to you and DH? That would be sufficient for some spouses to assume you were OK with the idea without further consultation, and if your DH isn't good at seeing the big picture he might not realise how wide and destructive the implications are for you.

Even the most optimistic parents-moving-in arrangements have lots of hidden challenges. You already know your MiL will be draining and demanding, and the reality will be hell on earth for you and probably, although he doesn't see it, your DH. That offer needs to be nipped in the bud.

CallMeDaddy58 · 28/02/2022 08:53

While this would be my absolute worst nightmare & it’s appalling your DH didn’t discuss it with you first, people on here are forever telling women to leave useless husbands and “can’t you & the DC stay with your Mum?”

So adult women who chose to breed with shitty men impose on their mothers but the reverse is inconceivable? It’s interesting.

ICouldBeAnyone · 28/02/2022 08:55

she texted me yesterday to thank us as now she knows she can leave stepdad

I would have sent a text straight back saying she is free to leave him anytime but, unfortunately, she won’t be able to move in here.

Abracadabra12345 · 28/02/2022 08:55

@RuthW

Going to uni isn't leaving home. Where is your ds going to sleep the third (at least) of the year he is back home? Also what happens in three years or if he drops out. Poor son.
I’m glad you pointed that out! OP’s ds isn’t leaving home, he’s going to university and will need his room for a good while yet. Even afterwards, it takes a job and enough money to pay rent. So in fact there isn’t room for MIL
HollowTalk · 28/02/2022 08:55

@gogohm

She needs to find a private rental and apply for uc/ pension credit/housing benefit
And for that she would need a guarantor. There is no way her son should act as that as she would immediately stop paying rent.
Twolostsoulsswimminginafishbow · 28/02/2022 08:55

When did you lose agency over your own life? How dare DH make that decision for what could easily be the rest of your life.
I don’t understand these parents who want their adult children to essentially give up their lives to look after them, 75 is not that old.
My MIL would do this like a shot but I’d divorce DH before it happened. I feel almost fortunate having a life limiting illness that means I cannot care for her and can easily say no. I met any idea of her coming here with suggesting DH go to her every day or stay there several nights a week. The subject soon gets dropped. He loves her but there seems to be an expectation that it’s the wife who would provide care.
I don’t feel any guilt over this as I refuse to let my adult child offer care to me but also my ILs never provided care for their parents or any childcare for us, even when I spent long periods in hospital seriously ill.

ChubbyMorticia · 28/02/2022 09:00

I’d be asking DH when the house is going up for sale, since I’d need to let my divorce lawyer know.

Abracadabra12345 · 28/02/2022 09:04

@MargaretThursday

As an addition to nonono, which is my reaction. Your ds will be home for a good amount of the year. Some halls expect the students to move out over the holidays so he will need his room
Another one saying this! OP’s son is not leaving home so there is no room.

Why do people think that their dc going to uni means they’re moving out?

dreamingofsun · 28/02/2022 09:13

Is he actually going to university anyway? Has he already done the exams and got the grades? If not then its not guaranteed at all.....you could end up with son retaking exams and MIL both living with you.

Absolutely dont move out whatever happens. I'm no legal guru but that sound stupid idea as it will make it harder for you financially especially if you ever did divorce

rookiemere · 28/02/2022 09:13

I'd be wary of using university aged DC as an excuse, as that gives the impression that once DC no longer at university it would be a possibility.

You need to talk to your DH. Let him know it's an either or situation for living in the house as in its either MIL or you. If he doesn't respond to the text then you should: "I'm sorry you're not happy with SFIL, but DH should have checked with me first. It's not possible for you to move in with us and DH should not have told you it was. We will provide as much support with investigating options to move out from SFIL as we can."

FourChimneys · 28/02/2022 09:15

Children who go to university not only come back frequently themselves but bring friends with them. You need more space, not less.

What about the new best friend who is from overseas and can't get home for Christmas? Do you let them stay miserably in their halls, or do you invite them for a warm family Christmas with you? What do you do when six of them need a bed/floor for the night as they are travelling through? What about the long summer holidays?

There is no space in your house for a MIL OP. At least students are grateful for a sofa and a bowl of pasta.

newbiename · 28/02/2022 09:17

@ChubbyMorticia

I’d be asking DH when the house is going up for sale, since I’d need to let my divorce lawyer know.
Yes then he can buy another house for himself and his mother.
CherryDocsInYrBalls · 28/02/2022 09:17

You have a DH problem.

mushroom3 · 28/02/2022 09:20

Your son will need his room for Uni holidays, these form around 5 months of the year and usually after Xmas and Easter exams they have exams.

MeridianB · 28/02/2022 09:21

Why hasn’t all hell broken loose with your husband over his ridiculous unilateral decision? Presumably you would completely fund her life and bills in the coming years, too.

As others have pointed out, tell her there has been a mistake as your son will need his room for many years to come during long breaks from Uni. Do it today!

Then turn your DH into a bag for life. 😡

Doodar · 28/02/2022 09:23

no way should you have to move out. She needs to stay put or apply for sheltered housing.

19lottie82 · 28/02/2022 09:23

No, just no.

If MIL wants to split up with her husband they can sell the house and split the equity. If not enough to buy a small flat then she can use the money to private rent somewhere.