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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Not want MIL living with us

265 replies

Seema1234 · 28/02/2022 05:59

Our youngest is due to leave home next year.

ILS have no assets (ILs went bankrupt about 20 years ago) and they live in a council house now after losing their home. No reason other than they are hopeless with money and for t hemselves into loads of debt.

MIL has been complaining about her husband (DHs stepdad) for about 20 years. It comes around in full circle and whilst I acknowledge he's a pain , she has never done anything to change her situation.

Yesterday she told DH that she intends on leaving her DH but can't as she has no where to go as no assets. DH then offered for her to move in here once DS goes to university next year. Confused

For context, there is no abuse going on as far as I know. Her DH is just selfish and sometimes she gets fed up of it. I get that.

Im not one of these who dread the children flying the nest Grin. I've had it all planned, looking forward to having the house back to ourselves. .
We wanted to sell up in a few years and maybe buy somewhere smaller. We had plans to travel, lots of weekends away and want to live in a particular place for a year.

Now MIL is going to scupper all of that. Once she's here that will be it. She's 75 now , so that could be another 20 years of me looking after an elderly woman who has nowhere to go.

I just feel Angry. Their financial screw ups have had alot of impact on us over the years. They turn to us whenever they want money, which has been alot.

I'm hoping it won't happen , but she texted me yesterday to thank us as now she knows she can leave stepdad.

Aibu?

OP posts:
Doodar · 28/02/2022 09:23

@19lottie82

No, just no.

If MIL wants to split up with her husband they can sell the house and split the equity. If not enough to buy a small flat then she can use the money to private rent somewhere.

Its council
UnconditionalSurrender · 28/02/2022 09:25

Instead of just saying No to her and looking like the baddie. Your DH should discuss with her how you can move her out of her home and find her somewhere else as the situation must be so bad.
Explain to her you don't have the room and want to downsize or move in the future so staying with you is not an option. I bet she doesn't want anywhere else but your house that at least you'd have tried rather than just saying No way. Of course that would require your DH to engage with the issue rather than do the easiest thing.

appleturnovers · 28/02/2022 09:25

@Thehop

“Woah, I’m sorry Maureen but I think there’s been a misunderstanding. Stephenson room won’t be empty, he isn’t moving out he’s just going to university. He’ll be back a few months at a stretch for summer not to mention the other breaks he gets. I’m afraid living here isn’t an option I’m sorry dh didn’t think before he said that. I’m sure he’ll be happy to look into other options with you if you want him to?”
There you go, perfect answer. Perfectly kind and polite, but to the point (and probably very factual). Just copy and paste that into a text message. Sorted.

Then start looking at sheltered flats for elderly people as others have suggested.

LakieLady · 28/02/2022 09:26

Good god, wtf made him think it was ok to agree to this without discussing it with you? I hope you ripped him a new one, OP.

And it's down to him to explain why this won't be happening, ie because of his idiocy in mistaking "going to uni" for "leaving home".

This website might be useful placesforpeople.co.uk/find-a-home/homes-to-rent

A couple of colleagues got places through them, and because they were over 50, they got housed pretty quickly (more turnover of places for older people, I guess). One was in private rented and the other was leaving because of relationship breakdown, so applicants don't need to be homeless to get help.

rookiemere · 28/02/2022 09:27

Actually @Thehop response is just perfect.

cheninblanc · 28/02/2022 09:28

Years ago my then fil lived with us for a year and it was a huge factor in my divorce. I wouldn't ever do it again

Easterbunnyiswindowshopping · 28/02/2022 09:29

Since she has text you op then you simply must text back. Today.

GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 28/02/2022 09:29

Your DH did this without even talking to you about it?

I would be going mad.

You need to tell him that this is not happening AT ALL. And he needs to be the one to tell his Mother.

Show him @Thehop advice. But this needs to come from him, not you.

Viviennemary · 28/02/2022 09:29

No no no. Don't allow this. You'll be stuck with her forever.

HazelBite · 28/02/2022 09:29

Your DS (like mine) could end up living back at home after his course in order to save for a deposit etc,
This really isn't feasible I think your DH didn't think this through carefully enough, or discuss it with you or DS before making a very rash offer.

finished31 · 28/02/2022 09:29

Yeah, fuck that for a game of soldiers!

I'm guessing your DH doesn't have the same dream as you to spend quality time once your DS has gone to university and he's playing the martyr daft twat and you will end up with both of them!

Sorry but you need to stop this before it starts. If you haven't messaged back already reply "I'm not really sure what has been mentioned but DS will be home on holidays so we don't really have the room to house you. You know how DH gobshite is sometimes with not looking at the bigger picture! I'm more than happy to try and get you into sheltered accommodation which I believe is lovely now.

Then go and give your DH a kick in the balls.

NorthSouthcatlady · 28/02/2022 09:29

No just no. I said to my ex-husband if his mum was to move in, they l would move straight out. She needs to sort out her relationship or they need to sort going out their separate ways. It sounds like she hadn’t had to take much responsibility

NoSquirrels · 28/02/2022 09:30

she texted me yesterday to thank us as now she knows she can leave stepdad

And you texted her right back with

“DMIL, this is the first time I’ve heard of this - DH and I haven’t discussed it. Please don’t make plans based on what DH said without talking to me because it isn’t definite, I have a lot of concerns.”

dreamingofsun · 28/02/2022 09:33

agree with hazel. all 3 of mine came back whilst they did temp jobs before they got proper grad positions. One is still with us because he studies locally for his MSC and is now saving up for a deposit. And they all store stuff here because their accommodation is so small.

can you really say to your son when he graduates, sorry you cant come back because MIL is with us due to her screwing her finances up

vesperlindor · 28/02/2022 09:33

No, no, and hellfreezingoverovermydeadbodyno. My DH would have no ears left if he'd agreed this without me being happy with it. It needs to be nipped in the bud NOW before MIL starts making plans.

As @UnconditionalSurrender said upthread I don't think this is about having somewhere to go. I think this is about having somewhere to go where someone will look after her. This is my experience with my own DM, under different circumstances. When her DH died she would have LOVED to move in with us and dropped a lot of heavy hints, even though she was in good health and perfectly capable of looking after herself. Even now 10 years later she mentions it every now and again, and if I agreed she would happily give up all her independence and park herself in our spare room for the next 20 years. Not happening.

Your husband needs to withdraw the offer sharpish - for some people an offer to stay for X months whilst they sort themselves out would be reasonable and kind, but it sounds like your MIL would agree to that but then never leave.

MrsSkylerWhite · 28/02/2022 09:33

He did this without consulting you?

He needs to rescind, sharpish.

Yanb remotely unreasonable.

Sswhinesthebest · 28/02/2022 09:34

@CallMeDaddy58

While this would be my absolute worst nightmare & it’s appalling your DH didn’t discuss it with you first, people on here are forever telling women to leave useless husbands and “can’t you & the DC stay with your Mum?”

So adult women who chose to breed with shitty men impose on their mothers but the reverse is inconceivable? It’s interesting.

The difference is that most people moving back in with parents will only intend to do so temporarily.

It’s more likely to be permanent the other way round, and definitely in this case.

Of course I’d open my home to the parents and in-laws temporarily - just never in a million years on a permanent basis.

D0lphine · 28/02/2022 09:40

Just say no.

No ifs no bits no maybes hard fucking no.

She has had 75 years on this earth to contribute to a pension and she has lived through the biggest period of economic growth that human kind has ever seen. There is no excuse. No. Just no.

SarahBellam · 28/02/2022 09:45

@NoSquirrels

she texted me yesterday to thank us as now she knows she can leave stepdad

And you texted her right back with

“DMIL, this is the first time I’ve heard of this - DH and I haven’t discussed it. Please don’t make plans based on what DH said without talking to me because it isn’t definite, I have a lot of concerns.”

No, because this suggests it is still open for negotiation. I’d go with, “DMIL, this is the first time I’ve heard of it - DH and I haven’t discussed it. The room isn’t available and DH should never have got your hopes up like that. DS may be going to University but this is still his permanent home and he’ll still be here for at least over half the year, so he will still need his room. We can help you to move out though and help you find suitable accommodation if you still wish to leave DFIL”.
oakleaffy · 28/02/2022 09:49

@Seema1234
It’s the mother or you.
What a nightmare!

A granny annexe with separate entrance is different, but in the same house?

No!! No!! And No!!

Puzzledandpissedoff · 28/02/2022 09:51

I'm not sure if I've understood correctly, but do you seriously mean that your OH offered this without discussing it with you first??

If so you've got more problems than just the thought of MIL moving in, but on that I agree with PPs to tell him that if she does you'll be moving out ... only from the way things sound, be prepared for him to agree

NowEvenBetter · 28/02/2022 09:51

Is your husband extremely low intellect? Who is he thinking will do the extra work involved in having his feckless mother move in? Who’ll fund her? Is he offering up your services for this?

Fuck that. Grow a spine and enjoy your life.

ChocolateMassacre · 28/02/2022 09:52

I like my MIL but I would divorce my DH rather than live with her full time. She would probably walk over hot coals rather than live with me full-time though!

I would also be reconsidering my relationship if my DH suggested something like this without talking to me Angry.

Momijin · 28/02/2022 09:53

No way should you accept that. Tell your DH that it isn't happening. Should have discussed with you first.

billy1966 · 28/02/2022 09:59

So you have subsidised your husbands parents for years, to your cost, and now he has invited your MIL to live with you?

Unbelievable.

Could he have less respect for you.

Are you working and financially ok?

If you are, in your place, I would tell him that you want the house sold and he can move in with his mother.

If you can't, tell him itbis NOT happening.

You must have a shit marriage for him to be so utterly disrespectful of you.

Flowers