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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Not want MIL living with us

265 replies

Seema1234 · 28/02/2022 05:59

Our youngest is due to leave home next year.

ILS have no assets (ILs went bankrupt about 20 years ago) and they live in a council house now after losing their home. No reason other than they are hopeless with money and for t hemselves into loads of debt.

MIL has been complaining about her husband (DHs stepdad) for about 20 years. It comes around in full circle and whilst I acknowledge he's a pain , she has never done anything to change her situation.

Yesterday she told DH that she intends on leaving her DH but can't as she has no where to go as no assets. DH then offered for her to move in here once DS goes to university next year. Confused

For context, there is no abuse going on as far as I know. Her DH is just selfish and sometimes she gets fed up of it. I get that.

Im not one of these who dread the children flying the nest Grin. I've had it all planned, looking forward to having the house back to ourselves. .
We wanted to sell up in a few years and maybe buy somewhere smaller. We had plans to travel, lots of weekends away and want to live in a particular place for a year.

Now MIL is going to scupper all of that. Once she's here that will be it. She's 75 now , so that could be another 20 years of me looking after an elderly woman who has nowhere to go.

I just feel Angry. Their financial screw ups have had alot of impact on us over the years. They turn to us whenever they want money, which has been alot.

I'm hoping it won't happen , but she texted me yesterday to thank us as now she knows she can leave stepdad.

Aibu?

OP posts:
IamtheDevilsAvocado · 28/02/2022 12:19

@downtonabbeyfan1234

Okay talk about it etc. Why is adult children taking care of their elderly relatives such a bad thing?
Cos it means (often) women end up having no life outside caring responsibilities... And many of us... Don't WANT this
kittykutty · 28/02/2022 12:22

@downtonabbeyfan1234

Okay talk about it etc. Why is adult children taking care of their elderly relatives such a bad thing?

She doesn't need 'help' she just made bad life choices ie. debt. So it's not like someone getting ill without it being in their control. She's only 75 and could live there for ages. It's op's mil not her mother. She already borrows money from them and can't support herself.

Also I'm from a similar background. The unquestionable duty towards parents is NOT a good thing at all. You're expected to care for your parents (just because they chose to have sex and have a child) whether they were nice people or not. Parent treats you bad? It's your mother, you have to treat her well!

herehere22 · 28/02/2022 12:23

WOW so he's taken the decision to invite her without ASKING YOU????????????

I'd just tell him " she won't be moving in " that's that no explanations needed.
If he wants to live with his mummy then he can go rent somewhere with her and move in with her.

autienotnaughty · 28/02/2022 12:25

@downtonabbeyfan1234 taking care of yes if needed and you are happy to do so. It doesn't sound like mil needs taking care of more a free house. And it would definitely need discussing first.

Motherofgorgons · 28/02/2022 12:30

@kittykutty I agree that the unquestionable duty towards parents is not a good thing. Many of my friends from this culture are absolute slaves and the OP's support of her inlaws for years seems excessive.

As OP hasn't returned, I guess we don't know if there are indeed cultural reasons. I can see many Asian men just saying yes to everything their mother suggests without thinking twice out because of sheer emotional blackmail.

affairsofdragons · 28/02/2022 12:31

Tell your DH it's a Hard No from you and that she is not welcome to move in ever. It will be a marriage ender if he tries.

If he wants to house her, he can move out and rent a flat somewhere with her, but she's not living in your home with you. you did not sign on for that. And you can proceed with a divorce.

downtonabbeyfan1234 · 28/02/2022 12:35

@Motherofgorgons I also thought in asian culture the DC stays at home and commutes to uni?

Rereading this thread from the start makes me realise how wrong and stupid I was. Sorry OP, YANBU.

godmum56 · 28/02/2022 12:36

@herehere22

WOW so he's taken the decision to invite her without ASKING YOU????????????

I'd just tell him " she won't be moving in " that's that no explanations needed.
If he wants to live with his mummy then he can go rent somewhere with her and move in with her.

yup this. DO NOT threaten to move out. If anyone moves out it should be him.
Motherofgorgons · 28/02/2022 12:37

[quote downtonabbeyfan1234]@Motherofgorgons I also thought in asian culture the DC stays at home and commutes to uni?

Rereading this thread from the start makes me realise how wrong and stupid I was. Sorry OP, YANBU.[/quote]
Mine won't be, most likely. I didn't have an arranged marriage either. We come in all models:)

NowEvenBetter · 28/02/2022 12:39

Why not start a thread about culture or whatever it is yous are derailing the thread with? Ffs.

downtonabbeyfan1234 · 28/02/2022 12:40

@Motherofgorgons that's great to hear. My DS has told me some of his friends parents have explicitly forbid moving out to uni. Made me feel a bit sad.

Motherofgorgons · 28/02/2022 12:42

@NowEvenBetter

Why not start a thread about culture or whatever it is yous are derailing the thread with? Ffs.
I will when people stop comparing this to FGM. FFS. And culture isn't "whatever it is". I will discuss what I want, thanks.
NowEvenBetter · 28/02/2022 12:43

Topic for its own thread then.

NowEvenBetter · 28/02/2022 12:45

People prattling on about how they personally would care for their own parent, in completely different circumstances and it’s cultural for them. Irrelevant to the OP. Contributes zero to the thread and has derailed it.

Toddlerteaplease · 28/02/2022 12:46

I'd be seriously pissed off that your husband agreed to it without asking you. I'd be moving out if she moves in!

canary1 · 28/02/2022 12:49

Tell your husband you’ll be leaving with your half of the house. It’s beyond unreasonable of him to make this offer to his mother. Miles off .

Motherofgorgons · 28/02/2022 12:50

@NowEvenBetter

People prattling on about how they personally would care for their own parent, in completely different circumstances and it’s cultural for them. Irrelevant to the OP. Contributes zero to the thread and has derailed it.
You seem to be terribly angry about a few comments. Take a chill pill and stop policing the thread. This is a discussion forum. A million people have already told the OP to get a backbone. I am saying why it might be hard.
TonTonMacoute · 28/02/2022 12:51

I'm hoping it won't happen

You need to be make it absolutely plain that it is not going to happen. If you leave the slightest bit of doubt then you are at risk.

AYBU? No.

AYB selfish? Maybe, but there is no way on god's earth I would do it. She could live for another 20 years, very comfortably with you running around looking after her.

Lots of practical suggestions on here - just do them and nip this in the bud now.

Iputthetrampintrampoline · 28/02/2022 12:59

I wouldnt be able to accept this either OP. You are not being unreasonable. Please find your voice and refuse to accept this,not for any other reason than for you,your plans and your dreams. You have done the hard work with raising the children going now is your time to live,Its what you worked so hard for and reward for all the sacrifices made over the years,to raise adults to sit back and let them fly and get back to being you

newbiename · 28/02/2022 13:00

@Seema1234 have you actually spoken to him yet ?

Migrainesbythedozen · 28/02/2022 13:03

@Motherofgorgons I apologise if I offended you or anyone else, I only made the FGM comment to show that just because something is culture or tradition, doesn't make it right. That's all. Not all cultures are equal or good, at least where the rights of women are concerned, and I am very passionate about women's rights. You yourself admit that "Many of my friends from this culture are absolute slaves". My point is that sometimes cultures need to change, and we shouldn't be dismissing women's rights as equals by waving it away by saying 'but it's culture!' That's all I meant.

Newestname002 · 28/02/2022 13:05

@Seema1234

OP, don't just HOPE this imposition doesn't happen. MAKE SURE it doesn't. It really shows how little your husband thinks of you if he just makes such a huge decision which will hugely affect you (because posters are right, it will be YOU mostly who will be doing the hard grind emotionally and physically, not him).

Have that very clear conversation with him much sooner rather than later and he either backs off and tells her this won't work or he comes to terms with the fact that you'll make very alternative arrangements. 🌹

Motherofgorgons · 28/02/2022 13:13

Fair enough @Migrainesbythedozen . I have posted too much myself. This is whar WFH does for me. Going bk to my study now.

zigazigaahfuck · 28/02/2022 13:28

No. Way. Can this happen! I would be FURIOUS if I were you. I know in some families or cultures this is considered the done thing but there's no way in hell I would want to live with my mother in law, especially under the circumstances you describe!

Coffeepot72 · 28/02/2022 14:13

No. Way. Can this happen! I would be FURIOUS if I were you. I know in some families or cultures this is considered the done thing but there's no way in hell I would want to live with my mother in law, especially under the circumstances you describe!

Absolutely!