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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Not want MIL living with us

265 replies

Seema1234 · 28/02/2022 05:59

Our youngest is due to leave home next year.

ILS have no assets (ILs went bankrupt about 20 years ago) and they live in a council house now after losing their home. No reason other than they are hopeless with money and for t hemselves into loads of debt.

MIL has been complaining about her husband (DHs stepdad) for about 20 years. It comes around in full circle and whilst I acknowledge he's a pain , she has never done anything to change her situation.

Yesterday she told DH that she intends on leaving her DH but can't as she has no where to go as no assets. DH then offered for her to move in here once DS goes to university next year. Confused

For context, there is no abuse going on as far as I know. Her DH is just selfish and sometimes she gets fed up of it. I get that.

Im not one of these who dread the children flying the nest Grin. I've had it all planned, looking forward to having the house back to ourselves. .
We wanted to sell up in a few years and maybe buy somewhere smaller. We had plans to travel, lots of weekends away and want to live in a particular place for a year.

Now MIL is going to scupper all of that. Once she's here that will be it. She's 75 now , so that could be another 20 years of me looking after an elderly woman who has nowhere to go.

I just feel Angry. Their financial screw ups have had alot of impact on us over the years. They turn to us whenever they want money, which has been alot.

I'm hoping it won't happen , but she texted me yesterday to thank us as now she knows she can leave stepdad.

Aibu?

OP posts:
knittingaddict · 28/02/2022 07:19

@Migrainesbythedozen

I'm hoping it won't happen

Excuse me? OP, please, I don't mean to be harsh, but wtf is wrong with you? I WON'T HAPPEN because you SAY it won't happen! Grow up, be an adult, and tell her your husband didn't ask you and you're sorry but it won't be happening. Put on your big woman pants, tell your husband he had no right to invite another person to live in your house without asking you, that if she moves in, you are moving out. Then tell her she can't move in.

It really is that simple. Be an adult and say NO!!.

Jesus christ this site pisses me off lately. So many women won't adult and just roll over. You just say NO! It really is that simple OP. It is that fucking simple!

I agree with every word of this.
kookievee · 28/02/2022 07:20

No way,

If he wants MIL to move in he can move out and live with her elsewhere.

I can't believe he's told her she can move in without discussing it with you as well.

Say no now and don't let ghee get comfortable with the idea.

WildfirePonie · 28/02/2022 07:24

Are you really going to go along with this?

Why does DH call the shots and you suck it up? Why are you going to care for her for the next 20 years?!

Don't you want to be free now the kids have flown?

Yellowsubhubabubbub · 28/02/2022 07:24

But she doesn’t have anywhere to stay? If you say no
This is just another way for her not to deal with adult life.
Make sure DH sorts her out housing , but far away from your house cos she’ll round 24-7 once alone.

Totalwasteofpaper · 28/02/2022 07:24

ShockShockShock
Honestly, fuck Hope. Have a rummage and find Demand.
Demand it doesn't happen.

Hell would freeze over before I allowed this. I am younger (i think?) Buy MiL angled heavily for this "temporarily" for other reasons. I think she had visions of town and country living and eventually going between her place and ours. My lovely but annoying "dutiful son" like DH was smart enough not pick up the bait.

I love my husband but this would honestly be a me or her ultimatum. I would sit down and just say what tyou have said here (but framed postivitely) I was willing to give money I was supportive about x I said nothing about y BUT this is a No.
I would geniunely divorce over this it would ruin my life.

Who is going to be doing all her care which she will start to need....?
Who is going to have to listen to her anxious ramblings and negativity...?
Who is going to have to subsidise her when she insists on coming on everything holiday and then compromise on the goliday because she isn't happy / comfortable/ whatever with your initial choices and plans???

I feel ill thinking about it.

Appliancedesparation · 28/02/2022 07:26

Your DH can support his mum to leave without it involving her moving in with you; he needs to get on the Entitled to site and maybe contact CAB to see what help MIL would get as a single person - lots of older adults live alone in rented accommodation, so it's entirely possible to help her find somewhere. All this can be done now.
If she needs help with a deposit , and you can afford it, it may be worth you helping in that way instead.
If he won't do this and insists on moving her in, I'd be moving out.

DockOTheBay · 28/02/2022 07:26

Tell her and him now that this absolutely is not happening, before they start making more plans.

When I was at uni the course was only about 7 months a year, so I was home the rest of the time. You can use that as a reason if you need one. But you don't have to have a reason beyond not wanting to.

MargaretThursday · 28/02/2022 07:30

As an addition to nonono, which is my reaction.
Your ds will be home for a good amount of the year. Some halls expect the students to move out over the holidays so he will need his room

WhatNoRaisins · 28/02/2022 07:30

Have you even spoken to your DH about your feelings on this?

Lottapianos · 28/02/2022 07:31

As others have said, you need to stop being so passive and tell DP that this is NOT happening! No way. How dare he make this offer without consulting you. I would be absolutely livid

Your MIL sounds like mine with the endless anxiety and negativity. When we visit her, I'm going out of my mind by day 3. The thought of her moving in to my home forever.... It would be the end of my relationship or the end of my life, one or the other

Put your foot down OP. This cannot happen

AuditAngel · 28/02/2022 07:31

My mum moved in with us the day my dad died. She still had her own house, and 3 years later she moved back there, with my sister living with her. Big difference was my mum had spent half the week with us for years providing childcare, and my husband was regularly consulted

Motherofgorgons · 28/02/2022 07:32

not rtft but I can tell from your user name that there is a cultural angle to this, which is why you are finding it hard to say no.

WhatNoReally · 28/02/2022 07:32

It would be awful.

She needs to be told today that it's not happening.

I bet your husband hasn't thought this through for one second. And offering your house without speaking to you is really crossing a line.

OnlyFoolsnMothers · 28/02/2022 07:34

Have you told your husband no? Just no, no other round about way/ just no!

Billybagpuss · 28/02/2022 07:35

How have your conversations with DH gone since?

Howeverdoyouneedme · 28/02/2022 07:37

No

Sciurus83 · 28/02/2022 07:37

Why haven't you had an absolutely blazing row with your husband over this? You seem to be just accepting that what he says goes and your life and wants are irrelevant. What has he said when you told him he has utterly undermined and betrayed you by making such a big decision without consulting you, and doubtless expecting that you will be the one to care for her as she gets older? He has completely altered the course of your life without a second thought or even discussing it with you, he needs to fix this, I'm sure when he offered this he didn't anticipate looking after an anxious negative elderly woman alone which he SHOULD

MissMarpleRocks · 28/02/2022 07:42

Echoing about your son.

From your op he’s going to university. He won’t be living there permanently & some places expect you to vacate in the holidays.

What happens when he comes home for those holidays, weekends, if he’s struggling & uni life isn’t for him. You just going to say no?

Until your son finishes uni your home is still his. He may come back after uni to live at home as well.

Can’t believe you were just going to downsize anyway when he’s what 18/19 when he goes!

Tell your Dh no. Mil will not be living with you.

SuperSange · 28/02/2022 07:43

I'm quite laid back in general but I'd go fucking nuclear if my husband pulled that one. There would be no doubt that if she moved in I moved out.

Motherofgorgons · 28/02/2022 07:46

Suspect the OP is Asian . In Asian cultures DC live with their parents. I will be living with my widowed mother in the future and DH will be sharing care with his sister.
This isn't to say the OP needs to do the same in this situation.

Totalwasteofpaper · 28/02/2022 07:47

Also Reply to that text NOW!!!! Today!
make it clear there are cross wires / there had been a misunderstanding and of course you will help and support her in leaving fil but it's not practical for her to move in with you now.

SpiderinaWingMirror · 28/02/2022 07:48

Just no.
But you need to say it very loudly
"I don't know what DH was thinking but child will be coming home every 6/12 weeks and will need their room".
Look at local independent living retirement flats. That makes more sense.

TidyDancer · 28/02/2022 07:50

You absolutely need to deal with this right now. Do not let it drag on, for your sake and for MIL's too. What was your DH thinking? Have you had words with him since it was said?

saraclara · 28/02/2022 07:51

Your DH was so incredibly wrong to offer this without any discussion with you. I'd be absolutely furious. What happened when he told you?
I'd have wanted to respond to her text with "I'm sorry, but I know nothing about this"

dworky · 28/02/2022 07:52

He has no respect for you.

You should move out & let them do what they like.

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