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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Not want MIL living with us

265 replies

Seema1234 · 28/02/2022 05:59

Our youngest is due to leave home next year.

ILS have no assets (ILs went bankrupt about 20 years ago) and they live in a council house now after losing their home. No reason other than they are hopeless with money and for t hemselves into loads of debt.

MIL has been complaining about her husband (DHs stepdad) for about 20 years. It comes around in full circle and whilst I acknowledge he's a pain , she has never done anything to change her situation.

Yesterday she told DH that she intends on leaving her DH but can't as she has no where to go as no assets. DH then offered for her to move in here once DS goes to university next year. Confused

For context, there is no abuse going on as far as I know. Her DH is just selfish and sometimes she gets fed up of it. I get that.

Im not one of these who dread the children flying the nest Grin. I've had it all planned, looking forward to having the house back to ourselves. .
We wanted to sell up in a few years and maybe buy somewhere smaller. We had plans to travel, lots of weekends away and want to live in a particular place for a year.

Now MIL is going to scupper all of that. Once she's here that will be it. She's 75 now , so that could be another 20 years of me looking after an elderly woman who has nowhere to go.

I just feel Angry. Their financial screw ups have had alot of impact on us over the years. They turn to us whenever they want money, which has been alot.

I'm hoping it won't happen , but she texted me yesterday to thank us as now she knows she can leave stepdad.

Aibu?

OP posts:
nicesausages · 28/02/2022 06:39

No, it will make you miserable. You have to have a very firm talk with your DH. Can you find her an alternative property near you? And provide support from a distance?

RuthW · 28/02/2022 06:40

Going to uni isn't leaving home. Where is your ds going to sleep the third (at least) of the year he is back home? Also what happens in three years or if he drops out. Poor son.

timeisnotaline · 28/02/2022 06:40

Actually I find it hard to believe she doesn’t count as homeless if she’s filed for divorce. They wouldn’t jsut expect divorced people to keep living together would they?

Arabellla · 28/02/2022 06:43

Why did your husband offer this without speaking to you?

Why are you so resigned to it and why is it assumed that you eouod look after her?

Have you told DH no?

Zonder · 28/02/2022 06:46

Hold on!

Under what circumstances is your youngest due to leave home next year? Is it to buy their own house or is it to go to uni?

If it's the former then you need to come up with strong boundaries to say no.

If it's the latter then they're not really leaving home. They're just going to be somewhere else part of the year but will still need their room back with you.

JemimaTiggywinkle · 28/02/2022 06:52

Just no! Also adult children have a habit of coming back sometimes!

I think you need to be pretty clear with your DH. What was he thinking making this offer without your agreement?

As you say, the council will not house your MIL if she has somewhere to live, so it would be better to make clear that she has nowhere to live - more chance of her being housed by the council. If she ever gets round to leaving FIL.

NameGoesHere · 28/02/2022 06:53

Your kid might be going to uni but they will be back in holidays… Easter is a month off for starters. Where will your kid sleep? I’d divorce my dh if he did this. You need to tell him it’s never going to happen. He’s also a selfish c for not even discussing it with you first

Okbutnotgreat · 28/02/2022 06:54

Start looking at sheltered housing provision in your area. She can move nearby for support without moving in, a friend has recently done this for her inlaws and it didn’t take very long to get something suitable.

Do not let your mother in law move in, that is so wrong of your DH to offer without discussion and needs to be stopped now.

Thehop · 28/02/2022 06:54

“Woah, I’m sorry Maureen but I think there’s been a misunderstanding. Stephenson room won’t be empty, he isn’t moving out he’s just going to university. He’ll be back a few months at a stretch for summer not to mention the other breaks he gets. I’m afraid living here isn’t an option I’m sorry dh didn’t think before he said that. I’m sure he’ll be happy to look into other options with you if you want him to?”

BuanoKubiamVej · 28/02/2022 06:56

You have to nip this in the bud right now. The longer you leave it the worse the fallout will be but this is going to destroy your marriage sooner or later if you don't put your foot down right now. The marriage may ne destroyed either way if your H decides to side with his mum against you, but whatever happens every day that goes by without you saying in no uncertain terms that this cannot happen is going to make the eventual explosion worse.

You cannot have your mil moving into your home. It will ruin your life.

It is not true that the council won't help. If the relationship is over then she isn't adequately housed if she is being expected to share a bedroom with someone with who.she is not in a relationship. She needs to end her relationship and get things moving.

Eddielizzard · 28/02/2022 06:56

No. It's his problem to sort out with her. He will have to tell her. Absolutely no way should you become her carer either.

SleepOhHowIMissYou · 28/02/2022 07:00

Going to Uni is not the same as leaving home. Your son will need his room still.

Is there more going on than you know? Is your husband's Mum in an abusive marriage? It doesn't have to be physical to be abusive, coercive control and financial abuse could be an issue here. Did your Mother in Law have any say in how their shared money was spent? It is unusual to be propped up by your child as you say. How exactly did they end up bankrupt?

Depending on the answer to the above, if your Mother in Law needs to get away, then she may be supported by domestic abuse charities rather than moving in with you.

WutheringHeights66 · 28/02/2022 07:00

I can’t believe he offered this without discussing it with you?

I would be saying right now, if she comes you go and there will be two divorces. Not a bloody chance.

OldMMC · 28/02/2022 07:01

Answer her message. Tell her that there has been a misunderstanding and that DH had not discussed the situation with you. Tell her that your son's room is his until he buys a home of his own.

I would also point out to your 'DH' that you're moving out if she moves in.

burnthur5t · 28/02/2022 07:01

DH should have discussed with you first

Tell him no

Shehasadiamondinthesky · 28/02/2022 07:03

I would leave DH I'm afraid. There would be a definite me or her in this situation. I'm moving in with DS and DiL but it's for their benefit not mine.

Gilead · 28/02/2022 07:03

If the stepfather is abusive in any way then she will get another council house.

Mistressiggi · 28/02/2022 07:09

It would be good to be able to present another solution, so if I could find out whether the council would rehouse her, I would. But I would still say no to the moving in, either way.

Neenawneenaw76 · 28/02/2022 07:10

@Migrainesbythedozen

I'm hoping it won't happen

Excuse me? OP, please, I don't mean to be harsh, but wtf is wrong with you? I WON'T HAPPEN because you SAY it won't happen! Grow up, be an adult, and tell her your husband didn't ask you and you're sorry but it won't be happening. Put on your big woman pants, tell your husband he had no right to invite another person to live in your house without asking you, that if she moves in, you are moving out. Then tell her she can't move in.

It really is that simple. Be an adult and say NO!!.

Jesus christ this site pisses me off lately. So many women won't adult and just roll over. You just say NO! It really is that simple OP. It is that fucking simple!

Haha this is spades 🤣🤣
Lilac57 · 28/02/2022 07:10

Just say no, it’s her or you, your DH needs to decide who he wants to live with (and eventually care for). I’d absolutely leave my DH over this, and I’m be absolutely furious that he offered without talking to me if he did this.

Iwonder08 · 28/02/2022 07:11

You tell him it was very wrong of him not to discuss it with you beforehand and given you have strong objections it is him who created this awkward situation and need to inform his mother he has made a mistake and she can't stay after all. It is all on him, OP. Don't hesitate.

girlmom21 · 28/02/2022 07:12

Yeah you need to tell your husband that he doesn't get to screw up your future plans.

AllAmericanGirl · 28/02/2022 07:16

God no. No no no no no no no. Put a stop to this now before it gets any further. It will only get harder the longer you leave it.

HikingforScenery · 28/02/2022 07:17

Just want to mention that there could absolutely be abuse. You just don’t know. How many times do we see posts on dv here where f&f know nothing about it. If he’s selfish enough that it’s noticed, abuse could certainly be an issue.

If I were in your DH’s position, I’d absolutely invite my mum to stay if she’s nowhere. I would discuss if with DP though and he’d definitely say yes.

You should tell DH your stance asap so the poor woman can decide her next steps. It’s rather cruel to have her continue thinking you’re going to support her in leaving her marriage only to let her down at the last minute.

OhDearMuriel · 28/02/2022 07:17

I can’t believe people are suggesting that you should move out!!?

Stay put it’s your lovely home, your fantastic plans and your life. She’ll wreck all of that.

Don’t get suckered in to letting her stay temporarily either, because you know how that will go and it won’t be good.

Tbh, as a mother, I don’t understand the nerve/selfishness of her wanting to put herself on you (both) like that.

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