Friend giving me cold shoulder for winning money and buying house

[namechange15294]

I won some money and finally my dream of buying a house is achievable. For context, it's not money won on a lottery, more like compensation I got for something I went through.

I announced the news to my closest friends. I wasn't bragging or rubbing it in their faces, but I thought they'd be happy for me. Out of these friends, I'm the one on a low income that's kind of been scraping by, the others are better off.

One friend in particular did not acknowledge it and changed the subject, I didn't know if it was intentional at the time. I know this friend has been saving up to buy a house for a while. However she lives with family not paying rent and bills and puts everything she can into savings. She has more than enough to put a deposit on the kind of house I'm looking to buy (literally a starter home), but she wants to put a large deposit down on a huge detached house with everything top of the range so it can be her forever home. She is willing to live with relatives and never pay rent until she can achieve this.

Anyway, I ended up asking her directly about some mortgage stuff before I see a broker as I know she's been researching this lots whereas it's all new to me. She just replied "idk" and then moved the conversation on. Since then she's been giving me the cold shoulder in the group chat.

I feel hurt because it feels like she's not happy for me at all. I went through hell and honestly I wish I never got the money if it meant I didn't go through what I did to be entitled to it. But the moment something good happens in my life she doesn't care. Yet recently I've been happy for her for getting a promotion and doing well in her career.

I feel like I can't even raise it with her because I will sound crazy asking why she's not happy for me!

Also, recently she was annoyed that she won't be entitled to council tax rebate... because she doesn't pay council tax. Nor does she pay energy bills that the rebate is meant to support anyway. But she said she still faces living costs increase because food is more expensive so it's not fair on her. There's been other instances like that recently and I'm starting to get the impression she begrudges any leg-up other people get that she doesn't, and probably feels the same way about me winning my claim.

AIBU?

A true friend does not care how you got the money. She's just jealous.

The people that wouldn't sue the NHS, bully fir you. My husband is dead because of missed errors by two different professionals and a procedure over 6 months. The procedure has been changed so it shouldn't happen again but the two professionals need holding to account to make sure they don't do it again. I wasn't going to sue but our nurse pushed and pushed for us to do a PALS as without investigating it they won't learn. Only when I did the report (which immediately got escalated) did I find out my DH should have survived with an easy op. I'd give everything back to turn back the clock but I can't.

@ElevenSmiles

If you were...Yippee I've won, tell me about mortgages, I can understand the friend being a bit peeved.

I agree. It sounds like you lack self awareness Op and keeping on about winning, then asking her for mortgage advice is quite insensitive and crass. I came into a life changing amount but have not bragged about it in whatsapp groups.😬 People who arent used to having money are always like this and its quite cringey. Look at it from her POV. " DF has recently been compensated for a horrible event and I have been supportive to her . She was awarded compensation, Im pleased its gone in her favour but has been going on and on about what she has won and also in a WA group" " Several of us dont own our own homes and she knows Im saving as much as I can, Aibu to keep her at arms length a bit"

Real friends who actually care about you would be happy. She's sounds very self absorbed

^"How dare you think badly of anyone suing the NHS.
They don’t sue them for fun you know.
Pretty damn sure they’d rather have their dead relatives back than the money."^

But maybe those who think badly of people suing the nhs are those who have been affected by illnesses ie cancers that could benefit from state of the the treatments ie proton beam therapy, that the nhs doesn't offer, because they can't afford it. Maybe if the nhs had the money to afford it then goodness knows how many more lives could be saved/enhanced. But unfortunately people suing does take money out of the pot. And for folk saying 'oh, compensation doesn't come out of the nhs pot'. Maybe, but the vast amount of money paid out for insurance to cover these claims is coming out of an overall nhs budget. If people didn't sue then the level of insurance wouldn't be needed and that money could be diverted elsewhere.

YANBU

She is no friend. Don't bother wasting any more time with her and don't give her any headspace.

Let her spit her dummy out - not your problem.

People are perfectly entitled to sue the NHS if negligence has caused life-changing injuries or death. All these people saying they'd think badly of someone suing the NHS would think differently if they had lost loved ones due to medical negligence. And while I can see the point that money could be spent on cancer treatments instead of paying out compensation (which comes from insurance anyway), if people sue when medical negligence has occurred this ends up leading to tightening up of procedures or firing of negligent staff who are incompetent which leads to improvements in the long run.

I know a family currently suing the NHS as their father (a much-loved and very valuable contributor to the local community) died in a completely botched operation. What happened should never have happened. I won't go into more details here but when it happened there was quite a lot of press about it.

OP, I think you can see from this thread that there are people who do not approve of suing healthcare providers which might explain your friend's behaviour. Unfortunately sometimes friends disapprove of things which other friends do and there's not a lot you can do about it. I'd just distance myself from her to be honest and certainly not talk to her about the house.
If she can't be happy for you, then she can do one.

The NHS has to be held to account the same as any other organisation. Why are people so quick to make assumptions ffs. How about when your child dies and it could have been prevented, you tell us if you’re willing to accept it and go quietly without holding them to account.
The virtual signalling and righteous indignation is just ridiculous, and comes from a place of total entitlement.
It’s easy to have issues with perusal of compensation when you’ve never had necessity and cause to do so.

Sorry OP having a rant there.

It’s just jealousy - as a PP said, some people like a certain pecking order and if she’s always seen herself above you, this will be killing her.
I have a friend who when she doesn’t like that something good has happened for you, she’ll just ignore it, won’t engage.
It’s total entitlement, envy and jealousy.

Let her crack on with it, you don’t need people like that to be happy for you. Be happy for yourself and let her sulk in her own bile.

And don’t invite her to the house warming!

Yanbu.....friends get weird about houses. When i got my first house ( paid for by inheritence) , 2 friends were very quick to point out a minor defect. Bizarre and rude.

It sounds like you lack self awareness Op and keeping on about winning, then asking her for mortgage advice is quite insensitive and crass.
Don't be daft.
'keeping on' – the OP's friends know what she's been through, that she's been suicidal, for Christ's sake. Why wouldn't they be happy that she got the chance to buy a house?

The OP's 'friend' isn't exactly living in a cardboard box and putting pennies in a pot to buy a shack; she's living rent-free and is BY CHOICE saving up to buy not a house she can afford now/soon, but a big detached top-of-the-range house. She is quite lucky to have this as an option.

You (and the poster you're agreeing with) sound sour and like you'd be quite shit friends. Many of my friends are 'better off' than me in one way or another, but I don't begrudge them things. If you do then you shouldn't pretend to be their friend.

Jesus fucking Christ!! A perfect example of how a thread can go completely off the rails.

No matter how many times the OP has explained that she did NOT sue the NHS, people are still harping on about it.

And the OP shared her good news with who she thought were her good friends. Only in Mumsnet world is that a sin. Who doesn't speak to their friends?? Probably people who don't have any?

And the OP mentioned that the amount is on open public record, so she couldn't have hidden it for long anyway.

OP, I think I'm about to be in the same position as you. I am due a large payout from a car accident (100% not my fault). I (and my 5-year-old) am permanently disabled due to the accident and I live in a country that automatically compensates you for that (insurance or not).

I suspect one of my friends will expect to share in some of that money. She has made terrible decisions throughout her life and currently rents from us. (Again, we live in a country where we have a house and small cottage on the property before I get bashed as a greedy landlord! And our own house is in a state of disrepair as we cannot afford to get anything fixed.)

We have tried to help where we can and sometimes she doesn't even pay rent, but we know it's difficult for her so we try to help, even though we are also struggling financially, as I can't work.

But she is very 'woe is me' and have asked a few times if I know how much money I'm getting. I will not tell her the amount, but I have that luxury, you didn't.

Good luck, I hope you can enjoy your new house. I certainly sometimes feel guilty about my payout, but then I remember the lifelong issues I will have from this and try to find a little joy in what I can no do for my children with this.

@DameHelena

It sounds like you lack self awareness Op and keeping on about winning, then asking her for mortgage advice is quite insensitive and crass. Don't be daft. 'keeping on' – the OP's friends know what she's been through, that she's been suicidal, for Christ's sake. Why wouldn't they be happy that she got the chance to buy a house?

The OP's 'friend' isn't exactly living in a cardboard box and putting pennies in a pot to buy a shack; she's living rent-free and is BY CHOICE saving up to buy not a house she can afford now/soon, but a big detached top-of-the-range house. She is quite lucky to have this as an option.

You (and the poster you're agreeing with) sound sour and like you'd be quite shit friends. Many of my friends are 'better off' than me in one way or another, but I don't begrudge them things. If you do then you shouldn't pretend to be their friend.

Im neither daft nor sour, I came into a lifechanging sum of money. Just not jumping on the friend must be awful bandwagon and looking at both sides.

Im sorry to Op has had an awful ordeal and that it gives her some stability.
I find the Ops talk of winning the money strange, then putting it in a WA group-not in a million years!
Both you and the Op sound sneery and dismissive about the friends saving to buy a house.
Not particularily nice or in the spirit of friendship.

A different POV which Im entitled too.

I also think if people believe money doesnt change relationships then they are somewhat naive about human nature.

HudsonRiver no, you really do come across as sour and ungenerous.
The OP talked about winning the money (to her good friends, for heaven's sake!) because initially she had needed their support for what she was going through. Which they seemed happy to give. It's totally reasonable of her to tell them the outcome – and for real friends to be happy for her, not to judge and be weird and resentful about it.

It is not 'sneery and dismissive' in this context to point out that the friend is saving –by choice – to buy a house that will take her a long time to save for; if she was struggling to save to buy something even vaguely habitable and/or living somewhere very uncongenial, then she'd have a bit more of an excuse for being ungracious, but she isn't; she's living comfortably and saving for her perfect house.

As I've said, I've had friends pay off mortgages and share that news with me; and someone whose parent paid off her mortgage and bought her nice things like a new car and a holiday. That's more than I've ever had or probably ever will be gifted; but I wouldn't dream of doing anything other than being pleased for them. I think that's just how a good friend (well, just a decent person) behaves.

@HudsonRiver

I also think if people believe money doesnt change relationships then they are somewhat naive about human nature.

It is not naive to be a good friend and not judge people to change your behaviour due to finances. It's just nice/normal.

@DameHelena

HudsonRiver no, you really do come across as sour and ungenerous. The OP talked about winning the money (to her good friends, for heaven's sake!) because initially she had needed their support for what she was going through. Which they seemed happy to give. It's totally reasonable of her to tell them the outcome – and for real friends to be happy for her, not to judge and be weird and resentful about it.

It is not 'sneery and dismissive' in this context to point out that the friend is saving –by choice – to buy a house that will take her a long time to save for; if she was struggling to save to buy something even vaguely habitable and/or living somewhere very uncongenial, then she'd have a bit more of an excuse for being ungracious, but she isn't; she's living comfortably and saving for her perfect house.

As I've said, I've had friends pay off mortgages and share that news with me; and someone whose parent paid off her mortgage and bought her nice things like a new car and a holiday. That's more than I've ever had or probably ever will be gifted; but I wouldn't dream of doing anything other than being pleased for them. I think that's just how a good friend (well, just a decent person) behaves.

Nah I dont. As I said I came into a lifechanging sum, not remotely sour about the Op getting a house deposit, I would just have handled it differently and I did.

I disagree with you and for whatever reason you cant handle it 🤷‍♀️
Envy is just another human emotion.

Im not going to derail her thread and wish the Op all the best.

Dame...At least use my name if you're having a swipe at me...Read the title of this thread...attention grabbing. None of us know what she said to her friends. Do we ?

@Orangade

Sorry to hear your life and your baby’s life were at risk.

Did you sue the NHS?

If you did, I’d find that pretty hard to swallow, I have to admit. Happily, you didn't lose your life. For every penny taken from the NHS, somebody else will be losing theirs.

You'd find it hard to swallow that the NHS is held responsible? Yes ultimately is taxpayer money but with no accountability, the service we get would increasingly fail. If someone suffers as a result of negligence it is not for you or I to begrudge their entitlement

As I said I came into a lifechanging sum, not remotely sour about the Op getting a house deposit, I would just have handled it differently and I did.
You can handle things how you like (and no need to worry about what I can and can't handle either, thanks all the same). What I am objecting to is saying the OP lacks self awareness and 'keeps on about winning', which is just a misreading of what she says the context and situation are.

@ElevenSmiles

Dame...At least use my name if you're having a swipe at me...Read the title of this thread...attention grabbing. None of us know what she said to her friends. Do we ?

Eleven, you're quite right, as I didn't direct-quote you I should have. Apologies. Posting in my habitual rush. We can only respond to what we DO know ie how the OP presents it. And she presents a context where her friend was being kind and supportive when it was all happening, and encouraging her to pursue the legal action. A context in which she understandably felt confident in letting her friend(s) know the outcome. I'd be confused and upset too if a 'friend' suddenly changed their tune like this.

@ElevenSmiles

Dame...At least use my name if you're having a swipe at me...Read the title of this thread...attention grabbing. None of us know what she said to her friends. Do we ?

I've outlined the situation as best as I could on here. If you want to cast doubt on me and the 'true version of events', fine. But what could I possibly say to show I am telling the truth? Mumsnetters like you are exhausting. Is it so hard to just take an OP at face value and give relevant advice based on that rather than having a made up version in your head where the OP is an evil cow who gets what's coming to her? It reflects on you, not me.

You've posted on AIBU we aren't all nodding sheep.....Strange your other good friends have said nothing.

@ElevenSmiles

If you're going to say I'm unreasonable actually base it on my post not some made up narrative in your head that isn't true.

You also said If you were...Yippee I've won, tell me about mortgages, I can understand the friend being a bit peeved.. Well things didn't go down that way at all, have you even read my posts?

This is why posters like you are exhausting. You're either not reading the full thread or you are and deciding a different version of events plucked from thin air.

Yep....Strange your other good friends have said nothing....Didn't know you were in my head...that's clever.

@ElevenSmiles

Yep....Strange your other good friends have said nothing....Didn't know you were in my head...that's clever.

I didn't claim to be in your head, but you're making untrue statements and they weren't based on my post, so must have come from your imagination.

Why don't you read your post at 3.22pm...are you confused.