Friend giving me cold shoulder for winning money and buying house

[namechange15294]

I won some money and finally my dream of buying a house is achievable. For context, it's not money won on a lottery, more like compensation I got for something I went through.

I announced the news to my closest friends. I wasn't bragging or rubbing it in their faces, but I thought they'd be happy for me. Out of these friends, I'm the one on a low income that's kind of been scraping by, the others are better off.

One friend in particular did not acknowledge it and changed the subject, I didn't know if it was intentional at the time. I know this friend has been saving up to buy a house for a while. However she lives with family not paying rent and bills and puts everything she can into savings. She has more than enough to put a deposit on the kind of house I'm looking to buy (literally a starter home), but she wants to put a large deposit down on a huge detached house with everything top of the range so it can be her forever home. She is willing to live with relatives and never pay rent until she can achieve this.

Anyway, I ended up asking her directly about some mortgage stuff before I see a broker as I know she's been researching this lots whereas it's all new to me. She just replied "idk" and then moved the conversation on. Since then she's been giving me the cold shoulder in the group chat.

I feel hurt because it feels like she's not happy for me at all. I went through hell and honestly I wish I never got the money if it meant I didn't go through what I did to be entitled to it. But the moment something good happens in my life she doesn't care. Yet recently I've been happy for her for getting a promotion and doing well in her career.

I feel like I can't even raise it with her because I will sound crazy asking why she's not happy for me!

Also, recently she was annoyed that she won't be entitled to council tax rebate... because she doesn't pay council tax. Nor does she pay energy bills that the rebate is meant to support anyway. But she said she still faces living costs increase because food is more expensive so it's not fair on her. There's been other instances like that recently and I'm starting to get the impression she begrudges any leg-up other people get that she doesn't, and probably feels the same way about me winning my claim.

AIBU?

@HiJenny35

L&C are excellent, won lots of awards, no hard sell. Can do all over phone/Internet.

They're absolutely brilliant. I switch mortgages every 5 years and they make everything so quick and simple.

I agree with PP that it’s probably the method by which you obtained the money rather than jealousy as such. Lots of people object to our increasingly Americanised “where there’s blame there’s a claim” culture.

For those wondering, what I won is a matter of public record and comes up with a simple Google search so not exactly something I can be coy about with friends

@Juniper68

I hope your baby is ok now?

My baby is doing well now thank god! But had a lasting impact on me sadly

@mjf981

I suspect that she doesn't agree with how you got the money. Therefore she thinks you have 'cheated the system' while she is working to save for her deposit. She doesn't think this is fair.

I work hard as well. Difference is I don't have family that I can live with rent-free.

Sorry to hear your life and your baby’s life were at risk.

Did you sue the NHS?

If you did, I’d find that pretty hard to swallow, I have to admit. Happily, you didn't lose your life. For every penny taken from the NHS, somebody else will be losing theirs.

@Orangade

Sorry to hear your life and your baby’s life were at risk.

Did you sue the NHS?

If you did, I’d find that pretty hard to swallow, I have to admit. Happily, you didn't lose your life. For every penny taken from the NHS, somebody else will be losing theirs.

No not at all. It was a private company. No public money involved.

I had a lovely friend until I bought a bigger house than her with one extra bedroom. She then bought a bigger house with an extra bedroom to me and would brag and I’d change the subject and try to continue our friendship. It soon became clear that she only contacted me when she had something to brag about and I’d broken the hierarchy by earning more than her. I’m still saddened because I lost a friend due to her jealousy. Our finances are actually similar so it’s ridiculous but I have other much more lovely friends to cherish.

I'd have to ask her directly and most probably in person, she'd no doubt try to avoid the questions in texts etc.

Have any other friends mentioned her strange reaction. I'd definitely sounds like jealousy and she wanted to be the first person I buy the house etc

@NeedAHoliday2021

I had a lovely friend until I bought a bigger house than her with one extra bedroom. She then bought a bigger house with an extra bedroom to me and would brag and I’d change the subject and try to continue our friendship. It soon became clear that she only contacted me when she had something to brag about and I’d broken the hierarchy by earning more than her. I’m still saddened because I lost a friend due to her jealousy. Our finances are actually similar so it’s ridiculous but I have other much more lovely friends to cherish.

Oh wow that's crazy she bought a whole new house with an extra bedroom to one-up you! It makes her look really childish, sorry you lost what you thought was a good friend. To be honest I never considered "hierarchies" within friendship groups (outside of school anyway), seems like I've been naive unfortunately.

She sounds jealous that you will be getting your foot on the property ladder before her. But this is her choice. Like you say she's wanting a forever home straight away so needs to save for longer, her call.

I had a few incidents with one friend who seemed to never be happy about anything good that happened to me and well she always asked me very private questions about my financial situation. Back then at some point I was due to inherit some money. She was jealous and, like you gave me the cold shoulder. It took a while for me to see that she was toxic for me and I was better off without her friendship. I am glad I made that call now.

@singlepringlenotbychoice

I'd have to ask her directly and most probably in person, she'd no doubt try to avoid the questions in texts etc.

Have any other friends mentioned her strange reaction. I'd definitely sounds like jealousy and she wanted to be the first person I buy the house etc

No-one else has but I did want to ask a friend in the group if she noticed anything, I'm worried about it being sly though to ask another friend or affecting the group dynamic!

she was really kind and supportive when I was going through the shit really unwell with it all, and she encouraged me to pursue legal action. Now I won and can better mine and my child's life it's almost like she was secretly wishing I would have lost (in which case I would be out of pocket as had to pay legal costs). It's making me question whether her intentions were even good when she was pushing me to take things to court. sad

And there it is.

I have known a few people like this over the years (I am older than I care to admit!). They get their self worth and confidence not from how well they are doing or what they have achieved on its own but how well they are doing in comparison to those around them. You being the poor relation made her feel good about herself becauase she was doing so much better. But now you have leap frogged her so she has fallen down two rungs on the ladder. Of course she hasnt, she is no worse off than she was the day before your claim was upheld but in her mind, she has.

She loved that she had all this money when you didnt, it had added value because you didnt have anything. But now you are achieving the thing she wants with (again, in her head) no effort on your part so you have devalued her and her plans.

I rather think that when she has the money for this big fancy home she will suddenly be all over you because then she will be (in her head) several rungs of the ladder above you again and the proper order has been restored.

@Ganymedemoon

She sounds jealous that you will be getting your foot on the property ladder before her. But this is her choice. Like you say she's wanting a forever home straight away so needs to save for longer, her call.

I had a few incidents with one friend who seemed to never be happy about anything good that happened to me and well she always asked me very private questions about my financial situation. Back then at some point I was due to inherit some money. She was jealous and, like you gave me the cold shoulder. It took a while for me to see that she was toxic for me and I was better off without her friendship. I am glad I made that call now.

I don't understand jealousy around inheritance. That most often comes with the loss of a very close family member. And I'm sure most people would rather have the loved one than the money.

@namechange15294 absolutely. Prior to this specific incident which was actually my aunt. The first thing she asked me after my father died was what was in his will? I mean WTH?

Some things really show peoples true colours.

I think if she is feeling jealous and the only indicator is her not engaging with conversations about your winnings on a group chat but is otherwise a decent friend, I would choose to not hold it against her.

Don't engage her anymore on this topic, continue to be yourself, be nice. If she wants to fall out with you let her do legwork.

There's a chance that her radio silence on social media is not about you at all.

@PyongyangKipperbang

she was really kind and supportive when I was going through the shit really unwell with it all, and she encouraged me to pursue legal action. Now I won and can better mine and my child's life it's almost like she was secretly wishing I would have lost (in which case I would be out of pocket as had to pay legal costs). It's making me question whether her intentions were even good when she was pushing me to take things to court. sad

And there it is.

I have known a few people like this over the years (I am older than I care to admit!). They get their self worth and confidence not from how well they are doing or what they have achieved on its own but how well they are doing in comparison to those around them. You being the poor relation made her feel good about herself becauase she was doing so much better. But now you have leap frogged her so she has fallen down two rungs on the ladder. Of course she hasnt, she is no worse off than she was the day before your claim was upheld but in her mind, she has.

She loved that she had all this money when you didnt, it had added value because you didnt have anything. But now you are achieving the thing she wants with (again, in her head) no effort on your part so you have devalued her and her plans.

I rather think that when she has the money for this big fancy home she will suddenly be all over you because then she will be (in her head) several rungs of the ladder above you again and the proper order has been restored.

This is so true and very well put.

I also find that sometimes these people are very there during the bad times but like explained here, not in the good times. I wonder if someone else going through an awful experience somehow elevates their position and self worth too?

I hold the nhs sacred but some legal cases against them are completely legitimate.

It doesn’t directly come from the patient care pot it is paid by insurance if they are found to be at fault

@SomePosters

I hold the nhs sacred but some legal cases against them are completely legitimate.

It doesn’t directly come from the patient care pot it is paid by insurance if they are found to be at fault

Although mine wasn't a case against the NHS, I agree with you. There's been some shocking scandals in maternity care resulting in lifelong illnesses, why shouldn't those people be entitled to compensation?

Many years ago, my DH was working in a kind of job that doesn't have any status. At Christmas he could work extra and earn a lot more than normal. At the time he worked 5 days a week, went to college for the whole day on one day off and in the evening on another day. So he didn't even have one full day off. I remember one friend commenting how nice it must be to have a day off in the week. As if it was an add on to the weekend off. He worked all weekend! Anyway, after the Christmas he had done very well. We decided to use the extra money to go away for a week in January as we barely saw it each other normally! It was out of season so cheap. One friend was so put out that we had been away, saying they couldn't possibly afford it! Her DH had a high status job. They had bought a house in a much more expensive area than us, spent a lot more in general life and also had all weekend together every weekend. But yes, she begrudged us our holiday!

@UndertheCedartree

Many years ago, my DH was working in a kind of job that doesn't have any status. At Christmas he could work extra and earn a lot more than normal. At the time he worked 5 days a week, went to college for the whole day on one day off and in the evening on another day. So he didn't even have one full day off. I remember one friend commenting how nice it must be to have a day off in the week. As if it was an add on to the weekend off. He worked all weekend! Anyway, after the Christmas he had done very well. We decided to use the extra money to go away for a week in January as we barely saw it each other normally! It was out of season so cheap. One friend was so put out that we had been away, saying they couldn't possibly afford it! Her DH had a high status job. They had bought a house in a much more expensive area than us, spent a lot more in general life and also had all weekend together every weekend. But yes, she begrudged us our holiday!

That isn't a friend

@Orangade

Sorry to hear your life and your baby’s life were at risk.

Did you sue the NHS?

If you did, I’d find that pretty hard to swallow, I have to admit. Happily, you didn't lose your life. For every penny taken from the NHS, somebody else will be losing theirs.

Ah ok so the lady whose baby was decapitated during labour due to the incompetence of the medical professional, should receive nothing to pay for her therapy/funeral costs etc.

All of the people injured by medical staff who are either incompetent or reckless should just think oh whatever it’s the glorious NHS? Never mind that they may be permanently disabled/prematurely die due to negligence.

The NHS is not infallible. It’s not the glorious organisation that is exempt from being held to account when it makes mistakes. The evidence required to establish causation etc in medical negligence cases is incredibly high.

Ugh. How ignorant.

The lesson here OP is to just not share information when it comes to things like money. Money brings out the worst in people.

I can’t comment on your situation because I don’t know what happened to you, what I can say is, I inherited and lost a friend from it. I got the inheritance I did because I had also lost a parent as a child and another relative, therefore the money came in my direction as a result of the line being broken, I would rather have grown up with two parents. I didn’t shout out to the world that I now had money but several could guess when I got my mortgage on a TA salary. “Friend” pushed and pushed and pushed to establish what I got and very much said I was extremely selfish to keep it all and inheritance should be limited per person and I should have shared etc etc, It wasn’t good. I did ask outright if she would have shared. Long pause. Mumbled “none of your business” answer. She was sulky with me for a long time and tbh the friendship didn’t recover.

Just stop and think who you talk to about financial stuff. If I need mortgage advice or such i am very careful who I talk to, often approaching the friend who has always been two steps ahead and is clearly very money savvy (and wealthier than me). If I’m finding the rising costs too much sometimes likewise, be practical about how it’s discussed.

Money brings out true colours of people.

@Ganymedemoon

I also find that sometimes these people are very there during the bad times but like explained here, not in the good times. I wonder if someone else going through an awful experience somehow elevates their position and self worth too?

Oh definitely. It adds value to them because it proves just what a kind and generous person they are to be such a good friend to someone who is having such a shit time. I had a "friend" who was there for me in a big way when my marriage broke down. Ex had been a violent cheater and she had my back the whole time I was with him. We split, I was very traumatised and again she was there. Then I turned a corner and things improved massively. I was happy, settled and got my confidence back. I wouldnt say I got ghosted exactly but suddenly it was me making all the effort and if I didnt message or call I wouldnt hear from her for weeks at a time, after being in touch most days.

I look back and realise that she needed me to be this poor lowly victim, and when I wasnt I threatened her position as the happy successful one. So out I went.

I have since found out that she has done it to others too. Ironically, I have since come to accept that I have PTSD which has caused an ED, she would fucking LOVE that!

Did you sue the NHS?
If you did, I’d find that pretty hard to swallow, I have to admit. Happily, you didn't lose your life. For every penny taken from the NHS, somebody else will be losing theirs

‘Somebody else will be losing their life’
Yeah, like my dad.
And others like him.
After the NHS failed to pick up on (obvious) signs of sepsis and let them go on to develop septic shock and die.
Some of their families sued and won.
And they deserve every fucking penny.

These people that lost their lives would most likely have been alive today had the NHS done their job properly.

My dad couldn’t stand when the ambulance told him he probably didn’t need to go to hospital.
He was left hallucinating in A+E, for hours.
By the time he made it to intensive care he was in multiple organ failure and brain damaged on life support.
He had no chance.
Well, he would have, if the NHS had done their job properly.
But they didn’t.
So now he’s dead.

How dare you think badly of anyone suing the NHS.
They don’t sue them for fun you know.
Pretty damn sure they’d rather have their dead relatives back than the money.