Friend giving me cold shoulder for winning money and buying house

[namechange15294]

I won some money and finally my dream of buying a house is achievable. For context, it's not money won on a lottery, more like compensation I got for something I went through.

I announced the news to my closest friends. I wasn't bragging or rubbing it in their faces, but I thought they'd be happy for me. Out of these friends, I'm the one on a low income that's kind of been scraping by, the others are better off.

One friend in particular did not acknowledge it and changed the subject, I didn't know if it was intentional at the time. I know this friend has been saving up to buy a house for a while. However she lives with family not paying rent and bills and puts everything she can into savings. She has more than enough to put a deposit on the kind of house I'm looking to buy (literally a starter home), but she wants to put a large deposit down on a huge detached house with everything top of the range so it can be her forever home. She is willing to live with relatives and never pay rent until she can achieve this.

Anyway, I ended up asking her directly about some mortgage stuff before I see a broker as I know she's been researching this lots whereas it's all new to me. She just replied "idk" and then moved the conversation on. Since then she's been giving me the cold shoulder in the group chat.

I feel hurt because it feels like she's not happy for me at all. I went through hell and honestly I wish I never got the money if it meant I didn't go through what I did to be entitled to it. But the moment something good happens in my life she doesn't care. Yet recently I've been happy for her for getting a promotion and doing well in her career.

I feel like I can't even raise it with her because I will sound crazy asking why she's not happy for me!

Also, recently she was annoyed that she won't be entitled to council tax rebate... because she doesn't pay council tax. Nor does she pay energy bills that the rebate is meant to support anyway. But she said she still faces living costs increase because food is more expensive so it's not fair on her. There's been other instances like that recently and I'm starting to get the impression she begrudges any leg-up other people get that she doesn't, and probably feels the same way about me winning my claim.

AIBU?

OP I’ve been getting something similar in response from my friends:
The whole “other people have things going on in their lives too you know” from one person. I responded with sure I get it etc asked what’s up etc and get the most inane “things” (being tired! Starting a new relationship!). I’m not a disinterested friend/family member but I’ve had a tonne of nasty stuff (my first DD was stillborn and I Also almost lost my life), failed Ivf, miscarriages, last pregnancy at 42 - my DD was discovered at 20 weeks scan to have disabilities but it wasn’t clear what extent (she is severely disabled),
I’m her carer and my income is carer’s allowance because DH works (he earns about £12,000 but that’s another story).
I’m banging on about this because I started legal action against the NHS trust that employs the doctor who assaulted me (my daughter’s consultant) and I had a big set back in trying to get “justice” last week (which sadly is just acknowledgement and money, I’d far rather have other alternatives).
People get very arsey when someone succeeds where they have failed - and I don’t even mean money - I mean in standing up for themselves.
I think there’s almost an ingrained thought that we should (especially as women) just put up and shut up and work oneself to death etc.
She is no friend. I’d be stepping back

She is jealous
You didn’t win the money, you were compensated for something that happened

She’s a drain. You need radiators in your life.

@Starryskiesinthesky

I can see why it's difficult for her in some ways. She is saving and so focused on getting a house and then you ask her for advice about mortgages. It must be quite hard for her.

@Starryskiesinthesky. why?? The Frenemy has more saved up than the compensation the OP got! The difference is the OP is content to buy a 'starter home' & frenemy is waiting until she has enough (at other peoples expense) to buy her 'forever' home!!

@Ilovenutellaaaaa

This is a good example of why you should never tell people when you come into money , whether it be a salary raise, an inheritance, a lottery win, awarded compensation etc...because jealousy is a real thing,..and people who are jealous of you find it hard to be happy for you

Plus why would anybody need to know that you got some money, the way I look at it is, if I wouldn't divulge how much I had in my bank account and purse then why would I need to tell people I had a large sum of money,...people don't need to know that, whether you realise it or not, you are bragging, because you are telling people to get a satisfactory reaction from them....you aren't telling them for their own benefit (they don't get anything from being told about it, you are telling them for the reaction you will receive from them)

I agree with this. Also winning, won, winnings sounds rather crass if its compensation. I never discuss money with anyone other than my DH, if she had asked me I would have said I dont know yet and left it at that, just happy that it found in my favour and I could move on. No need to tell anyone else.

@DoYouWannaBeInMyQuiche

Maybe its not jealousy and they just don't approve of how you got the money eg did you sue someone / healthcare claims etc?

This is what I was wondering, too. I could well imagine that someone who's worked and saved hard might be very pissed off if they thought (rightly or wrongly) that someone had gone down the 'just sue someone' route...

Why don't you read the thread or at the very least the OP's posts!

Some people just cant stand to see others thriving and are only interested in being around people they see as lesser than them so it makes them feel good about their life.

Possibly she’s not up for talking about your court case at length? You say she was supportive encouraging you to file the case and then again when you encountered difficulties, which is when you needed your friends. Possibly you were quite insensitive to ask for mortgage advice or as it’s not her job or anything she didn’t want to give incorrect advice?

Your friend is not a true friend, she's a dick!

@Orangade

Sorry to hear your life and your baby’s life were at risk.

Did you sue the NHS?

If you did, I’d find that pretty hard to swallow, I have to admit. Happily, you didn't lose your life. For every penny taken from the NHS, somebody else will be losing theirs.

I work for the NHS, and if somebody has genuinely suffered harm, there is no other mechanism for getting compensation (ie if a baby is harmed during childbirth, they need money to provide long term care).

It would be much better if there was another mechanism so people didn’t have to sue, but there isn’t (this often causes problems for people who experience non-negligent bad outcomes, ie bad luck, who then aren’t entitled to anything). Even better would be if we just funded care for disabled people better in the first place.

I know OP has already said it wasn’t the NHS, but people shouldn’t feel bad about suing if they have suffered genuine negligence. Obviously they shouldn’t sue because somebody looked at them funny, or they didn’t like the food, but the NHS shouldn’t be a sacred cow.

I have a 'friend' like this, when you're going through a hard time she's the most supportive person you could wish for, when you're succeeding you don't even get a text back. Always there for peoples bad days, but hates when anyone does good. She text me the other day, 'omg have you seen how much weight * has lost, she looks revolting'. She actually looks fantastic, but she can't be happy for anyone.

Maybe we should put them in touch and they can be horrible jealous people together x

I have a relative who has complex disabilities, cerebral palsy, she’s a young adult now and very accomplished despite being non verbal (she uses eye gaze which is mind blowingly clever).

Anyway she/her parents sued the NHS because her disabilities were entirely avoidable and due to negligence. They won millions. The money has opened up all sorts of opportunities, technology, adaptations. It means she will be able to self fund the care she needs for the rest of her life.

I just can’t imagine anyone begrudging that. But I’m sure people do, the weirdness about suing is very strange. A bit martyr-ish.

I think saying the exact amount was probably a mistake. I have come into some money recently and have only mentioned the amount to my best friend. On a group chat I think it would go down badly.

That said, I do discuss money and mortgages and so forth with my friends, we give each other advice, swap mortgage brokers, I encouraged a friend to get a better deal recently as she thought she was priced out of the market. I don't do this with everyone, but close friends we do discuss downsizing, retirement plans, mortgages because we are all going through similar things and can benefit from each others knowledge and contacts. Also, with true friends, money worries can eat you up and are a huge source of stress, so telling friends offloads that, I told a couple of close friends when I was in huge debt, and when I got out.

This woman obviously isn't a close friend, and I think the group medium hasn't helped anything. I would leave it completely with her now, her nose is out of joint but you probably should chat one on one with anyone about things so personal.

Your friend is jealous. As you’ve said many times, you would have preferred to not have gone through your dreadful experience and not have the money. In the same way that most people would prefer to still have their relative than to receive an inheritance. The money doesn’t soften the blow or bring them back, but something good can come from a horrible situation. Most would want something positive to happen to a friend if they had been through a traumatic experience. She is no friend.

And for all those harping on about the NHS, the vast majority of those who make a successfully claim are those who have suffered and had a lasting impact due to poor care. A friend of mine sued the NHS as her dc was left with life changing injuries due to neglect when she was giving birth. The money she received will be spent on providing care for him for the rest of his life. She would much rather have left hospital with the non-injured newborn that she should have had. Think before you make your nasty judgemental comments.

OP,

She's not your friend.

I hope you realise that and stop making ANY effort with her.

Keep your business from now on private and keep it off the group WhatsApp.

It sounds like you had years of stress.

Good luck going forward and give her a wide berth.

Some MNers need to get better friends!! Discussing money with good friends isn't a problem, discussing money with frenemies is.

@namechange15294. I'm sorry that someone you thought was a good friend, has turned out not to be! Good friends would be nothing but thrilled for you to have 'won' your case (I'm sorry what happened to you and your (then) unborn baby) & been paid some compensation, that will enable you to get on the housing ladder.

I hope your ongoing issues can be resolved & you're not left with lifelong problems!

Your 'friend' has shown her true colours, I wouldn't do anything dramatic but I'd just ignore her in the group chat unless she asks a direct question.

Have you started looking at houses yet??? I'm very excited for you & your child 😀

I think we can safely say here that she is no friend of yours. Jealous and also nasty minded given what you went through. It hurts but you really need to remove her now from your life. No more whatsapp group, nothing. Congratulations and enjoy your new home, you deserve it.

Well done on winning, enjoy your life. I don't think she is a friend so you are probably better off without her.

@Starryskiesinthesky

I can see why it's difficult for her in some ways. She is saving and so focused on getting a house and then you ask her for advice about mortgages. It must be quite hard for her.

Really? She is living rent and bill free. Has enough in savings now to get on the ladder but wants more as wants a forever home. To have the luxury of no bills or rent sounds pretty good to me. Her choice to not get on the ladder and work her way up like most do.

@Orangade

Sorry to hear your life and your baby’s life were at risk.

Did you sue the NHS?

If you did, I’d find that pretty hard to swallow, I have to admit. Happily, you didn't lose your life. For every penny taken from the NHS, somebody else will be losing theirs.

I worked for the NHS (Nurse) and honestly the only thing big corporations listen to is money. Hitting them in the wallet is the only way positive change happens.

Damned right people should sue if there is neglect. The NHS should not be exempt from that, believe me enough is swept under the carpet as it is.

[quote FantasticFebruary]@DoYouWannaBeInMyQuiche

Maybe its not jealousy and they just don't approve of how you got the money eg did you sue someone / healthcare claims etc?

This is what I was wondering, too. I could well imagine that someone who's worked and saved hard might be very pissed off if they thought (rightly or wrongly) that someone had gone down the 'just sue someone' route...

Why don't you read the thread or at the very least the OP's posts![/quote]
I did. I was merely thinking that different people react to trauma in different ways (I chose not to sue, because I couldn't have coped with the stress of that on top of everything else). Some people who have had bad experiences might sue; others who have had worse might not. I'm not saying this is the case with the OP - but for all we know, her friend has had some experience on a par or even worse, and has just tried to move on with her life. My basic point is: we don't know the circumstances, and we don't know the individuals concerned. But I'd still put money on the friend's gripe being something to do with the way the OP came about this "win" (which she has acknowledged is a rather distasteful way to describe it).

Honestly OP I see a lot of house jealousy threads on MN and have experienced the same thing in my own life. I’ve gone from tiny flat and area of extreme poverty to one of the most desirable areas in the country and a very lovely house. There are some delicate the living poorly for so many years who are just like your friend. Mine is through marriage and inheritance. I’m not apologising for it!!

*not delicate, despite 🤷🏼‍♀️🤦🏼‍♀️

If you were...Yippee I've won, tell me about mortgages, I can understand the friend being a bit peeved.

Sounds like she’s just an envious person overall given the ridiculous stuff about not paying council tax but resenting others getting a rebate. I’d be wary of splitting your friendship group over it though, just mark her card and keep your distance. Good luck with the house thing and don’t let her take the shine off!