Friend giving me cold shoulder for winning money and buying house

[namechange15294]

I won some money and finally my dream of buying a house is achievable. For context, it's not money won on a lottery, more like compensation I got for something I went through.

I announced the news to my closest friends. I wasn't bragging or rubbing it in their faces, but I thought they'd be happy for me. Out of these friends, I'm the one on a low income that's kind of been scraping by, the others are better off.

One friend in particular did not acknowledge it and changed the subject, I didn't know if it was intentional at the time. I know this friend has been saving up to buy a house for a while. However she lives with family not paying rent and bills and puts everything she can into savings. She has more than enough to put a deposit on the kind of house I'm looking to buy (literally a starter home), but she wants to put a large deposit down on a huge detached house with everything top of the range so it can be her forever home. She is willing to live with relatives and never pay rent until she can achieve this.

Anyway, I ended up asking her directly about some mortgage stuff before I see a broker as I know she's been researching this lots whereas it's all new to me. She just replied "idk" and then moved the conversation on. Since then she's been giving me the cold shoulder in the group chat.

I feel hurt because it feels like she's not happy for me at all. I went through hell and honestly I wish I never got the money if it meant I didn't go through what I did to be entitled to it. But the moment something good happens in my life she doesn't care. Yet recently I've been happy for her for getting a promotion and doing well in her career.

I feel like I can't even raise it with her because I will sound crazy asking why she's not happy for me!

Also, recently she was annoyed that she won't be entitled to council tax rebate... because she doesn't pay council tax. Nor does she pay energy bills that the rebate is meant to support anyway. But she said she still faces living costs increase because food is more expensive so it's not fair on her. There's been other instances like that recently and I'm starting to get the impression she begrudges any leg-up other people get that she doesn't, and probably feels the same way about me winning my claim.

AIBU?

It saddens me that some people are such arseholes over money.

I am now over invested in what happens with wills/inheritances. Not because I want the money but because I want to know how people act. You can spot the ones who would give every penny back to have their benefactor alive, and the ones who dont care who died, they just want the cash.

Some of the stories on here over the years have been heart breaking.

Some people do struggle with jealousy and react in unpleasant ways. I’d suggest giving her a bit of space, but don’t discuss any aspect of this with her again. Congratulations (if that’s the right word!) on getting your settlement - hope it really does bring about a positive life change for you.

I am sorry, that I am going to be THAT person but this is really bugging me!

She isnt jealous, she is envious.

Jealousy is about what you DO have and want to keep, Envy is about what someone else has that you want.

Feel free to call me a pedantic arsehole, I would if I read this post!

Sorry again!

From Merriam-Webster: Envy means discontented longing for someone else's advantages. Jealousy means unpleasant suspicion, or apprehension of rivalship.
............
I would have thought 'rivalry' was a better word :-). However 'rivalship' does mean rivalry, it's just a word that is rarely used and seems clumsy to me.

OP, I think your friend probably has a bit of envy and jealousy. That's her problem.

@PyongyangKipperbang

she was really kind and supportive when I was going through the shit really unwell with it all, and she encouraged me to pursue legal action. Now I won and can better mine and my child's life it's almost like she was secretly wishing I would have lost (in which case I would be out of pocket as had to pay legal costs). It's making me question whether her intentions were even good when she was pushing me to take things to court. sad

And there it is.

I have known a few people like this over the years (I am older than I care to admit!). They get their self worth and confidence not from how well they are doing or what they have achieved on its own but how well they are doing in comparison to those around them. You being the poor relation made her feel good about herself becauase she was doing so much better. But now you have leap frogged her so she has fallen down two rungs on the ladder. Of course she hasnt, she is no worse off than she was the day before your claim was upheld but in her mind, she has.

She loved that she had all this money when you didnt, it had added value because you didnt have anything. But now you are achieving the thing she wants with (again, in her head) no effort on your part so you have devalued her and her plans.

I rather think that when she has the money for this big fancy home she will suddenly be all over you because then she will be (in her head) several rungs of the ladder above you again and the proper order has been restored.

This.

I have also learned (the hard way) it's best to tell friends nothing about your finances. It's hard for people not to become envious and be happy for you, if their financial life is not going well. It's human nature unfortunately.

I do have one dear friend who I know I can tell anything to, and who would be happy for my success, even if he didn't have a penny.

The friend you describe, OP, is what's called a frenemy. I've had friends like this over the years. They are competitive, and draw their self-worth from the fact that they are doing better than those around them. They offer ample emotional support when things are not going well (I think, because they're feeding off your misfortune and secretly enjoy it) but then when things start looking up, they don't want to know you. I'm sorry to say your friend is one of these. Let her distance herself from you an be wary about letting her back in.

I have learnt in life that if something good happens to you, keep it to yourself as I have lost good friends by telling them about it. Problem is, there’s one I haven’t told as I’m frightened of losing her too. Now I have to lie to them every time I speak to her.

I’d just treat your friend the same way as she treats you. Cold shoulder her too if necessary.

Phase her out.

@Orangade

Sorry to hear your life and your baby’s life were at risk.

Did you sue the NHS?

If you did, I’d find that pretty hard to swallow, I have to admit. Happily, you didn't lose your life. For every penny taken from the NHS, somebody else will be losing theirs.

The money will come from either hospital insurance or money specifically allocated for screw ups . Money doesn't move arrived so if one pot doesn't get used another one gets topped up,that's not how it works. I don't agree with suing anyone for greed. But if the op's life has been changed or quality of living reduced then the money will support that. It's no different to injury sustained from a car accident.

Personally I wouldn't discuss money with my friends in a group as often people can be jealous. It's possible this person feels resentful but don't let that take away you obviously deserve this money and you are using it to build a future for your family.

Glad you got a good result and can improve yours and your daughters lives.

While I don’t condone your friends behaviour at all! Maybe she is just disappointed at where she is in her life and this is hard to swallow for her. It’s illogical and mean but sometimes you can’t control your emotions. I’d give her some time and wouldn’t write her off entirely .

Hope the house hunt goes well!

Is there any chance that she was expecting you to give/lend her some of the money? (Obviously if that is the case she’s completely out of order!)

Try not to let her get to you too much, you have obviously been through an awful experience and I imagine the legal proceedings were stressfull on top of that. If people didn’t make a stand then what incentive is there from the top to truely improve things so they don’t happen again. Good luck with your house buying.

@sazza76

Is there any chance that she was expecting you to give/lend her some of the money? (Obviously if that is the case she’s completely out of order!)

Try not to let her get to you too much, you have obviously been through an awful experience and I imagine the legal proceedings were stressfull on top of that. If people didn’t make a stand then what incentive is there from the top to truely improve things so they don’t happen again. Good luck with your house buying.

This is a possibility, I mentioned upthread I had considered this. Or it could be a contributing factor maybe. Because she was supportive of me as a friend when it was all going on and she was egging me on with the legal case, like maybe she thinks she deserves to be compensated? She might be under some kind of impression that if it weren't for her I wouldn't have gone through with it, but she was one of many people who gave me some words of encouragement and I didn't go to the courts on her say so. I've already had to part with a significant portion of the money in legal fees too.

It's by no means a huge sum of money, it is a modest sum that is enough to get me onto the bottom rung of the property ladder. And she has significantly more than me saved up and no financial responsibilities. I plan on treating my friends on a meal out though but we live at different ends of the country now so that hasn't happened yet.

It's like she's coming across a different person the day before the trial started the versus the day after the trial ended.

And some people here think that I was bragging about the figure of money. In the group chat I was asked by a friend how much after I shared the news I won the case. As it's all public and you can find it on Google, I saw no point in being coy about it.

I also forgot, there ended up being difficulty in actually getting the money and I had to go back to court. She did act quite nicey nice during that time when I was left feeling like the worst mum because I had to use my child's savings (they were still in my name) and take on debt to pay some of the legal fees that were due at the time. I feel like such a fool and I'm only putting two and two together now and can see how spot on some posters have been.

While you are claiming this isn’t the case here, although we still don’t really know what happened I do judge people who take advantage of ‘compensation culture’ my then friend had a huge payout for what I know was a non serious car accident (with a lot of nhs time wasting record fakery). She told me all about it at the time and how she was going to the docs to make sure they had a record of her ‘whiplash’.

Of course she has since realised that some people judge though and maintains the other driver almost killed her and her son. Which is completely untrue.

@Hermymee

While you are claiming this isn’t the case here, although we still don’t really know what happened I do judge people who take advantage of ‘compensation culture’ my then friend had a huge payout for what I know was a non serious car accident (with a lot of nhs time wasting record fakery). She told me all about it at the time and how she was going to the docs to make sure they had a record of her ‘whiplash’.

Of course she has since realised that some people judge though and maintains the other driver almost killed her and her son. Which is completely untrue.

So because your friend faked injuries for a claim according to you although we still don’t really know what happened, then you suspect I did that? Well I didn't. Not that it matters what I say anyway because clearly you've made your mind up! Honestly I could say on here I'm having fish and chips for dinner and someone will come along to say I'm lying, typical of Mumsneet really. Thanks for completely invalidating my hellish experience just so you could play devil's advocate based on absolutely none of the information I've given, and putting me in a position where it doesn't matter how much I deny what you are suggesting about me because you've already created a narrative where I am in denial like your friend so naturally I'll deny it. I was gaslit by the company who did this to me for 2 years and I'm still traumatised, but yeah carry on sticking the boot in.

Hmmmm. How to put this. It sounds to me like your friend is very materialistic and naive. She’s happy to freeload off her parents and save up for the best house in the world and for it to be her forever home. That’s just not realistic, it’s naive, and it’s plain stupid! It also sounds like she has her whole life planned out to be perfect and somewhere in there she thought she’d be the first in the group to buy a house.

You have had a horrible experience and one which demonstrates that you cannot plan everything that happens to you and life is not perfect. I’m sorry that happened to you, and hope that you and your child are ok.

She is just going to have to come to terms with it. This is her baggage, not yours. Ultimately she’ll lose out in living her life like this. Just say ‘Namaste’ to it and let the universe work this one out. Shrug it off. Act normal with her, but don’t talk house with her and know that she can be like this, so don’t trust her.
Good luck in your new home - how exciting!!

My ex-friend was like this, I completely sympathise. It’s like with some people they think that there’s only so much happiness in the world and if you take some of it then there may not be enough left for them

I agree with PP. You've upset the pecking order which is why your 'friend' is acting like she is.

@PerseverancePays

Sometimes in group of friends, and families, there's an unspoken hierarchy and pecking order. If you've been scraping by it could be that she's looked down on you and enjoyed that she's doing better than you. Now you've upset the order by being able to buy a house. She's not happy about her new position below you, not only are you buying she's not even renting! You might find a few other ruffled feathers as you progress, but it does settle down. Treat her with caution though, she hasn't got your back. Enjoy your new home and may you always have the wind at your back.

I agree with this. @namechange15294 I have also experienced a friend being a noticeably less friendly when things improved for me, it happens.

You need to stop talking to this person about money and treat them with caution.

This is a good example of why you should never tell people when you come into money , whether it be a salary raise, an inheritance, a lottery win, awarded compensation etc...because jealousy is a real thing,..and people who are jealous of you find it hard to be happy for you

Plus why would anybody need to know that you got some money, the way I look at it is, if I wouldn't divulge how much I had in my bank account and purse then why would I need to tell people I had a large sum of money,...people don't need to know that, whether you realise it or not, you are bragging, because you are telling people to get a satisfactory reaction from them....you aren't telling them for their own benefit (they don't get anything from being told about it, you are telling them for the reaction you will receive from them)

@Hermymee

While you are claiming this isn’t the case here, although we still don’t really know what happened I do judge people who take advantage of ‘compensation culture’ my then friend had a huge payout for what I know was a non serious car accident (with a lot of nhs time wasting record fakery). She told me all about it at the time and how she was going to the docs to make sure they had a record of her ‘whiplash’.

Of course she has since realised that some people judge though and maintains the other driver almost killed her and her son. Which is completely untrue.

What has this got to do with the op? Just because you know someone who lied is irrelevant.

@hermymee

I had compensation after a car crash. Initially, I was just in shock but I went on to develop pain in my neck and back. the compensation was a drop in the ocean of the money i have spent on treatment to keep pain down.
The compensation wasn't paid by the driver it was paid by the insurance company. This is why we have insurance to drive. This is why business have insurace to operate.

Don't make people question claiming compensation they are entitled too.

@Ilovenutellaaaaa

This is a good example of why you should never tell people when you come into money , whether it be a salary raise, an inheritance, a lottery win, awarded compensation etc...because jealousy is a real thing,..and people who are jealous of you find it hard to be happy for you

Plus why would anybody need to know that you got some money, the way I look at it is, if I wouldn't divulge how much I had in my bank account and purse then why would I need to tell people I had a large sum of money,...people don't need to know that, whether you realise it or not, you are bragging, because you are telling people to get a satisfactory reaction from them....you aren't telling them for their own benefit (they don't get anything from being told about it, you are telling them for the reaction you will receive from them)

I get what you're saying but these are my best friends (or so I thought) and they all knew about my case and rooting for me, they saw me at my absolute low suicidal from it all. Of course I would want them to be happy for me winning my case, I was proud of myself and that I stayed strong despite it all, and they were happy for me besides that one friend. I felt proud that little old me took the big guys down. The justice I got meant the world to me. The natural next question was how much and what are you going to do with it. I didn't really know what I was going to do with it, it took a while to sink in, then when I got my head around it I realised I could buy a house, which is something I have always dreamed of but felt impossible. I got quite excited about it and told my friends my plan. Do people not discuss buying a house with their best friends?

Has this just happened a couple of times OP? Is she definitely ignoring you? Has it gone on for a length of time? Has she got something else going on in her life atm? Saying this in case you have got the wrong end of the stick...

If this isn't the case, she's not a friend