Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be jealous of how my friend is raising her daughter?

529 replies

woodenstuck · 27/02/2022 14:29

My best friend is a single mum to an 8 year old girl. I have 4 children, all boys, and a husband. I love them all dearly and wouldn't change them for the world but I was round at my friends this morning for a coffee and I can't help but feel a pit of jealousy when I am with her and her daughter.

Their house is so cosy and girly and they have an amazing relationship, almost 'banter'. The daughter respects her mum and they genuinely belly laugh together. They're always spending time together, going days out at the weekend. My friend just seems to have a stress free and enjoyable life.

I love my boys but I have 4 of them and work full time (friend is at uni and supported by her parents) as does my husband, so it's hard to spend time with them all individually so I guess I don't have that close close bond I see my friend has with her daughter. All they do is fight and bicker and I have other things to be getting on with at the weekend so days out are few and far between.

Being in their house this morning, everything is so calm and quiet and happy and she can sit in peace in the kitchen and enjoy her coffee and read her book or just genuinely enjoy her daughters company. I feel like the way she is raising her daughter she is already a lot more mature than her age and I worry I am doing my boys some sort of disservice.

It's making me feel resentment towards my friend. Like when she says she's stressed with uni work I just want to scream because I'm like you don't even know the meaning of stress! Her life seems serene.

I don't know what I'm asking really I just needed to Vent I suppose.

OP posts:
Darker · 27/02/2022 14:32

Well, the grass is always greener, as they say. She may look at you and think it must be wonderful to have a partner, a great job, and four wonderful boys.

XelaM · 27/02/2022 14:32

Err.. as a single mum with a daughter i think you're being ridiculous. Being a single parent is sooooo hard and she is probably feeling extremely guilty that her daughter is growing upnin a quiet house with no siblings

MangshorJhol · 27/02/2022 14:33

That’s because she has one child and you have four?? And you work FT. I have two boys and our house isn’t massively chaotic. I am not ‘cosy’ with my kids though- we are not friends. I am still their mum.

I don’t see a child being mature for her age as a positive. I like that my boys, especially my 10 year old is quite ‘young.’

HeadNorth · 27/02/2022 14:34

Surely this is just the difference between having one child and having 4? You obviously decided you wanted a large family and I would have thought anyone making that decision was not looking for a calm serene family life.

spacehardware · 27/02/2022 14:36

Console yourself that in Gilmore Girls Rory grew up to be an aimless drifter after spending her life being golden child of Stars Hollow.

TabithaTittlemouse · 27/02/2022 14:36

That’s really rude of you to assume that she doesn’t understand what being stressed is.

Original poster
woodenstuck · 27/02/2022 14:37

@XelaM

Err.. as a single mum with a daughter i think you're being ridiculous. Being a single parent is sooooo hard and she is probably feeling extremely guilty that her daughter is growing upnin a quiet house with no siblings
Oh no I should have mentioned this, she is very, very happy with her set up. She says she loves being single and doing her own thing and loves having an only child.
OP posts:
Candleabra · 27/02/2022 14:37

You’re only looking for the positives in her life. Of course four children is harder than one. But being a single mum is very hard. You don’t sound very sympathetic.

chairbumg · 27/02/2022 14:37

Surely it's because she has 1 dc.

ByHook0rByCrook · 27/02/2022 14:38

Be happy for your friend, and her child. Then go and focus on making your life happier.

gemloving · 27/02/2022 14:39

First of all, you are a brilliant mum.

She has 1 child, you have 4. I'm not saying it's easy being a single mum but having 4 children is a hell of a lot of work.

Boys are known to be more boisterous and things will settle eventually. How about every other weekend, you take one child out on their own in the morning?

Try to remove your resentment, there is a lot of people without kids who constantly tell us how tired and stressed they are. Everyone has different stress levels and everyone's situation is different. Comparison will always be the thief of joy. In addition, do you know what her little girl is truly happy she has no siblings?

Try to turn it around and see the woman who has undergone 5 IVY cycles to have that one child, still unsuccessful. She would give anything to have what you have but she can't and you wouldn't even see it. She might have that brilliant life on paper, great job, lots of holidays, clean wonderful house but the 2 week wait kills her every week and she resents almost everyone who has children. It doesn't seem fair. We never know what really goes but for her to be stressed about something has nothing to do with you.

Give your friend the respect she deserves because it's not fair Thanks

Bebeschitt · 27/02/2022 14:39

That 8 year old will be 14 soon.
14 year old girls are vicious.

Original poster
woodenstuck · 27/02/2022 14:39

She seems to always get awards in school, her report card and parents evening is always perfect. My boys never get awards, and there's always something negative in report cards and parents evenings. It just makes me think I'm doing something terribly wrong.

OP posts:
GlitchStitch · 27/02/2022 14:40

You chose to have 4 kids, of course it will be more chaotic and stressful than having 1.

QforCucumber · 27/02/2022 14:40

I agree with the difference between one and four, not about having a girl.

We have 2 kids and both work ft and while Monday - Friday is busy we still have cosy chilled movie days and snuggles on the sofa and popcorn at weekend, they’re currently both tucked together watching Netflix on the iPad, I have a tea and scrolling mn and dh is watching football, I do not doubt if there were 2 more kids here it would be absolute chaos

gemloving · 27/02/2022 14:41

@woodenstuck

She seems to always get awards in school, her report card and parents evening is always perfect. My boys never get awards, and there's always something negative in report cards and parents evenings. It just makes me think I'm doing something terribly wrong.
Comparison is the thief of joy! Your boys will excel in other things. X
AnneLovesGilbert · 27/02/2022 14:41

Stress is relative, it’s completely unfair of you to suggest she doesn’t know it’s like. It’s great she’s supported by her parents but studying is hard work, as is being a single parent.

You chose to have 4 kids, that’s the opposite of wanting a quiet life.

Do you wish you had a daughter? Is that what’s prompting your jealousy?

Comedycook · 27/02/2022 14:41

I can see the difference and understand. I have a ds and a DD. Love them both equally but it's an entirely different experience. My DD sits and reads quietly, she likes shopping trips and baking cakes. My ds is all football and xbox! Four boys v one girl is just world's apart.

AnneLovesGilbert · 27/02/2022 14:42

@Bebeschitt

That 8 year old will be 14 soon. 14 year old girls are vicious.
Hmm

Way to make an unpleasant sweeping statement. Really mature.

nanbread · 27/02/2022 14:42

Well I'm gonna say YANBU because I have two boys and I find that hard enough. When I have only one of them at a time it's a lot easier.

I think it's also a lot to do with personality. My friend has 3 DC but they're just all so relaxed and easy going.

BasicBinaryBltch · 27/02/2022 14:43

Her live sounds dreamy. Cosy home and a lively relationship with her daughter. I don't even know her but I'm happy for this woman!
No wonder your jealous but you need to wind it in. You chose four children, plus you have a husband and a stable job.

Bebeschitt · 27/02/2022 14:43

@AnneLovesGilbert thanks. I pride myself on my immaturity.

Comedycook · 27/02/2022 14:43

@woodenstuck

She seems to always get awards in school, her report card and parents evening is always perfect. My boys never get awards, and there's always something negative in report cards and parents evenings. It just makes me think I'm doing something terribly wrong.
This is because, imo, characteristics which are applauded within the education system are often more typically feminine characteristics. So,neatness, compliance and quietness.
BlondeWidow · 27/02/2022 14:43

Single parent to a 7yr old daughter - Definitely, definitely NOT serene! It's hard as hell and LONELY! Even without only having one income. I sit and cry when I see doting daddies with their kids and especially when I see kids playing with their siblings and wishing my DD had a sibling to play with. It breaks my whole heart. If I'm not able to play with DD then she's on her own. She hates it too. I've cried myself to sleep many, many nights.

Life is never, ever, EVER how it seems from the outside and I promise you that. No matter how close your friendship is.

Hunderland · 27/02/2022 14:43

It may be very different when she reaches the tween / teen years but really, it's lovely they get on so well now Wink

Swipe left for the next trending thread