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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To be jealous of how my friend is raising her daughter?

529 replies

woodenstuck · 27/02/2022 14:29

My best friend is a single mum to an 8 year old girl. I have 4 children, all boys, and a husband. I love them all dearly and wouldn't change them for the world but I was round at my friends this morning for a coffee and I can't help but feel a pit of jealousy when I am with her and her daughter.

Their house is so cosy and girly and they have an amazing relationship, almost 'banter'. The daughter respects her mum and they genuinely belly laugh together. They're always spending time together, going days out at the weekend. My friend just seems to have a stress free and enjoyable life.

I love my boys but I have 4 of them and work full time (friend is at uni and supported by her parents) as does my husband, so it's hard to spend time with them all individually so I guess I don't have that close close bond I see my friend has with her daughter. All they do is fight and bicker and I have other things to be getting on with at the weekend so days out are few and far between.

Being in their house this morning, everything is so calm and quiet and happy and she can sit in peace in the kitchen and enjoy her coffee and read her book or just genuinely enjoy her daughters company. I feel like the way she is raising her daughter she is already a lot more mature than her age and I worry I am doing my boys some sort of disservice.

It's making me feel resentment towards my friend. Like when she says she's stressed with uni work I just want to scream because I'm like you don't even know the meaning of stress! Her life seems serene.

I don't know what I'm asking really I just needed to Vent I suppose.

OP posts:

GeorgieTheGorgeousGoat · 27/02/2022 14:44

Much more of this is within your control than you think.

You've chosen to have 4 children and a chaotic household. It doesn't have to be like that, you can make the changes you want. I have three and it certainly isn't chaos.

GreenLunchBox · 27/02/2022 14:44

You're the one that chose to have 4 kids!

BobLep0nge · 27/02/2022 14:44

You chose to have four children, you must've known that would be stressful and that you'd have less one on one time than if you had an only.

DiddyHeck · 27/02/2022 14:45

She didn't force you to have 4 kids did she?

And everyone knows the meaning of stress. It's not a competition.

Staggersaurus · 27/02/2022 14:46

You (presumably) chose to have 4 children. What did you expect your life to be like?

SlashBeef · 27/02/2022 14:46

You chose to have 4 kids right? You were never going to have a peaceful serene home. I have 4 kids. The difference is I wanted the chaos and I enjoy it. I'm close with all of mine and the older ones are thriving in school. They finished last half term both getting school awards. Just because there's four of them, it doesn't mean you can't build close relationships and support their education.
It's what you make it. If you're unhappy with your choices and the life you've created you should look into making changes rather than resenting someone that's happy.

BuyDirt · 27/02/2022 14:47

Be happy for your friend, and her child. Then go and focus on making your life happier.

This.

Ricksteinsfishwife · 27/02/2022 14:48

Why would you resent your friend for your lifestyle choices? You chose to have four. You knew you needed to work. She made different choices. Good for her. But your life choices are not her fault

CremeEggThief · 27/02/2022 14:49

She's probably jealous in some ways of what you have too, OP. The grass always seems greener.

StopStartStop · 27/02/2022 14:49

I was a single mother (divorced a bastard) from my dd being four. I was a university student, too, with support from (though not being kept by) my parents. It can be lovely but it is also very hard. You see families doing things together, going on holidays, buying their children good shoes, expensive presents etc and you can't do it. 'Holiday' for us was a single day out a year. At parents' evening you have no-one to share the burden with - you have to see each teacher yourself or miss some out. And if I was angry or mentally ill (most of the time), dd got the brunt of it. I am glad we didn't try to form a blended family ( my idea of hell on earth) but it wasn't a bed of roses.

OP, I think your friend probably knows a lot about stress. Good for her if she's managing to make a cosy home and nice life for herself and her daughter.

WeDontShutUpAboutBruno · 27/02/2022 14:51

I have more kids than you, am I allowed to scream at you that you don't know what stress is

Butchyrestingface · 27/02/2022 14:52

It was just my late mum and me for many years. My only sibling died in childhood and my father was in a different country by my early teens. We didn't have close relations with external family.

We had always been close but when it became just the two of us, that relationship became even closer. However, it was also a very intense relationship. When it's just one parent, one child, there's no relief from each other - there's no-one else to act as the 'voice of reason' or bounce your feelings off, which might help you to view disagreements etc, in a different light.

There's also the stress for that one parent if they lose their job or become ill, who's going to take care of them and their child/keep a roof over their head, etc? The parent doesn't have the same support mechanisms of a (functional) two parent household. They have to shoulder all the stresses of everyday life on their own.

If you have a healthy, supportive relationship with your partner and 4 healthy kids, it sounds like you're in a great place. You see only a snapshot of your friend's life with her child, and to say she can't know what stress is just so wide of the mark.

Sally872 · 27/02/2022 14:52

Sounds like she is positive and making the best of it. I doubt she doesn't ever wonder what if things were different as we all do.
Try not to compare yourself to anyone else. What isn't working in your household and how can you change that? Might be routine so the kids help more or carving out some time for yourself routinely? Whatever will help you

SalsaLove · 27/02/2022 14:52

I can’t believe that someone who chose to have 4 children would actually complain about not having a peaceful life. That’s not what you signed up for.

Original poster

woodenstuck · 27/02/2022 14:54

Well she does have support as she is on good terms with her child's dad, that's what I mean, her life just seems very peaceful and quiet. Like for instance, she says her house is a 'no shouting house'. In the 8 years since her daughters been born I have never heard her shout at her daughter. Whereas I'm screaming my head off everyday. Me and my husband bicker everyday yet she gets on well with her daughters dad to the point he joins her and my friend and her family on Xmas day and do joint bday party. I know it's really great for the daughter but I can't help be envious. I think my life would have been much simpler.

OP posts:

Bromse · 27/02/2022 14:54

@Darker

Well, the grass is always greener, as they say. She may look at you and think it must be wonderful to have a partner, a great job, and four wonderful boys.

Exactly.

Your friend's daughter is only 8, the dynamics will change when she reaches her teens.

Every relationship has its pros and cons.

Feeling resentment is an unhealthy emotion.

Simonjt · 27/02/2022 14:55

Four children will always be more stressful than one, even if you didn’t work and had secure finances.

I was a single parent of one on a decent wage, our home probably appeared quite calm and content, but being the only parent is hard, its hard emotionally too as absolutely everything is on you, thats before you consider the financial pressure, in a couple if on person loses a job you still have someone income coming in.

I’m now married with two children, despite one being a baby who is allergic to sleep life is a lot easier, worries are much much smaller.

BuyDirt · 27/02/2022 14:55

That 8 year old will be 14 soon.
14 year old girls are vicious.

Even if that was true, its better to concentrate on improving your own life than hoping someone else’s life gets worse. The latter still just means you’re both unhappy. What a horrible way to think.

My daughter is 14, she’s not at all vicious.

BobLep0nge · 27/02/2022 14:56

Whereas I'm screaming my head off everyday. Me and my husband bicker everyday yet she gets on well with her daughters dad

Why don't you and your husband work on making some positive changes so that you're not shouting, so that you're not bickering? You're life doesn't have to be the way it is, you can make changes.

MintyGreenDream · 27/02/2022 14:56

I chose to have one dc so my life is relatively easy.

Original poster

woodenstuck · 27/02/2022 14:57

@BobLep0nge

Whereas I'm screaming my head off everyday. Me and my husband bicker everyday yet she gets on well with her daughters dad

Why don't you and your husband work on making some positive changes so that you're not shouting, so that you're not bickering? You're life doesn't have to be the way it is, you can make changes.

I don't know where to even start, but you're right, I need to make changes as I'm pretty miserable.

OP posts:

iRun2eatCake · 27/02/2022 14:57

And that is why l didn't have more then 2 DC....as l knew it would be more then l could cope with.

But... you now have 4 boys. If life is so stressful then you need to re-evaluate it.

Covid did one good thing for me. When we were in lockdown, l was so much more relaxed as l wasn't rushing from one thing to the next.

I've continued that now and won't over book myself.

Frazzled50yrold · 27/02/2022 14:57

'Console yourself that in Gilmore Girls Rory grew up to be an aimless drifter after spending her life being golden child of Stars Hollow.'
So true and so perplexing

Comedycook · 27/02/2022 14:57

In the 8 years since her daughters been born I have never heard her shout at her daughter. Whereas I'm screaming my head off everyday

I remember reading on a forum ages ago...(not MN) a woman who wanted to report her neighbour for shouting at her kids...the shouty neighbour had three sons...the woman who wanted to report her had one daughter and said she'd never shout at her DD!

iRun2eatCake · 27/02/2022 14:58

Give us a time table of your week and we can try and suggest changes

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