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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be jealous of how my friend is raising her daughter?

529 replies

woodenstuck · 27/02/2022 14:29

My best friend is a single mum to an 8 year old girl. I have 4 children, all boys, and a husband. I love them all dearly and wouldn't change them for the world but I was round at my friends this morning for a coffee and I can't help but feel a pit of jealousy when I am with her and her daughter.

Their house is so cosy and girly and they have an amazing relationship, almost 'banter'. The daughter respects her mum and they genuinely belly laugh together. They're always spending time together, going days out at the weekend. My friend just seems to have a stress free and enjoyable life.

I love my boys but I have 4 of them and work full time (friend is at uni and supported by her parents) as does my husband, so it's hard to spend time with them all individually so I guess I don't have that close close bond I see my friend has with her daughter. All they do is fight and bicker and I have other things to be getting on with at the weekend so days out are few and far between.

Being in their house this morning, everything is so calm and quiet and happy and she can sit in peace in the kitchen and enjoy her coffee and read her book or just genuinely enjoy her daughters company. I feel like the way she is raising her daughter she is already a lot more mature than her age and I worry I am doing my boys some sort of disservice.

It's making me feel resentment towards my friend. Like when she says she's stressed with uni work I just want to scream because I'm like you don't even know the meaning of stress! Her life seems serene.

I don't know what I'm asking really I just needed to Vent I suppose.

OP posts:
ImInStealthMode · 27/02/2022 14:58

Unless your four are Quads YABU to be jealous that she gets to spend more one on one time and a closer relationship with her only child. Presumably you could have stopped at one and been in a similar position? Confused

Riverlee · 27/02/2022 15:00

Being an only child isn’t necessarily much fun though. I was one of four and there was always someone to play with. Also, when I went to uni, I could cope with the general noise and hubbub in the halls, whilst only children struggled.

Also, behind closed doors, when there are no visitors, she may be a holy terror. Some only children can be quite selfish as they’re used to being indulged and their every whim catered for. They are not used to sharing, or having to wait their turn. Also, it can be tiring for the parent to entertain them all the time.

To use a cliche, comparison is the thief of joy.

Coyoacan · 27/02/2022 15:00

Be happy for your friend, and her child. Then go and focus on making your life happier

This. Your friend is obviously someone who knows how to make the most of the life she has been given.

You have a lot going for you too. Each of your children is special and good report cards is only a tiny part of what makes a child.

Easterbunnyiswindowshopping · 27/02/2022 15:00

I have 2 teen dd's
O
M
G
Hell in earth right now.
Tomorrow I am going to lunch and shopping with 3 of my ds's!!
Much easier!

WeDontTalkAboutBrunoNoNoNo · 27/02/2022 15:00

Assuming that someone doesn't know the meaning of stress just because of what you perceive their life to be is a hugely unpleasant and unreasonable reach. Lots of us have insecurities about our lives and our parenting but you are massively projecting when it comes to your friend. You will be better off spending your energy on working out your own issues rather than spending dime swelling on comparisons and envy. Also, people only showcase the bits of their life that they want to share. You know far less about her life than you think you do trust me.

AnneLovesGilbert · 27/02/2022 15:00

There’s a choice in how you parent yours. You don’t have to shout. I’m one of 4 and don’t ever remember my parents shouting. And if they’re seeing you bickering every day they’ll take their lead from you!

WeDontShutUpAboutBruno · 27/02/2022 15:00

That 8 year old will be 14 soon.
14 year old girls are vicious.

Confused nope, my dd is 14 and an absolute delight.

I don't think its very healthy to tell someone to concentrate on hoping their friends life will be awful soon rather than making the best of her own situation.

Ionlydomassiveones · 27/02/2022 15:01

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn at the poster's request.

BobLep0nge · 27/02/2022 15:02

I don't know where to even start, but you're right, I need to make changes as I'm pretty miserable

Might be worth starting a separate thread for advice. There are many who have been in the same sistiation, I'm sure people will have some good suggestions.

SadLittleLife · 27/02/2022 15:03

How old are your DC @woodenstuck? I don't think this is a boys/girls thing, I think it's the difference between having 1 child and 4.
I have two boys but they've never been particularly boisterous really, although they do like to physically play fight, etc which I guess girls don't.
Always been well behaved and rewarded for it in school so again don't think that's a boy/girl thing.
I'm guessing in a large family you need to make yourself heard and visible?
My bet is that your friend's daughter would love a big, noisy family with company of her own age on tap. Grass is always greener...
As for the friendship thing, I've found it comes as boys get older. Mine are teens now, Great company and very quick sense of humour without the attitude of my friends' teenage girls.

GreekGod · 27/02/2022 15:03

I'm confused. Why are you doing this to yourself ? Everyone has problems and I'm sure your friend has problems too. I have 3 DC who are now teenagers and we are not a peaceful house but we laugh scream and all together get along and we all love each other. You have said that you are screaming your head off all day but your friend does not do this with her daughter. Clearly, you have different personalities. I don't think you should be envious. I think you should appreciate the 4 lovely boys you have and spend time with them and try not to scream too much or all the time even when you are really stressed (I know its really hard) - just keep in mind that one day they will grow up to be 4 gorgeous men who will adore their mum.

Aprilx · 27/02/2022 15:04

Did you not get a say in whether you had four children or not?

She has one you have four, of course your lives are different. Are you actually just posting because you want people to say how wonderful you are or is this genuinely a problem for you? I am incredulous if it is.

RightOnTheEdge · 27/02/2022 15:06

You make it sound like it wasn't your choice to have so many kids! You chose to keep having them.

I get that you are just venting and everyone feels like that sometimes but it's awful that you think she can't be stressed and that she can't talk to you about it without you feeling so angry and resentful even if you are keeping it to yourself.
You don't sound like much of a friend really.

ikeepseeingit · 27/02/2022 15:06

OP, don’t worry about your friend. You have a lively bustling lovely family. You have some things like bickering with your husband that you’d like to change, maybe talk to him tonight about that ask him if you can both try to not raise voices any more? Work on some of the issues that make you unhappy in the family, but I promise you’re not a bad mum. You’re trying your best and that’s enough.

It sounds like working on one issue a week until you can get it right might help. This week can be you and your husband bickering and finding ways to communicate and actively listen to each other without judgement, even when you’re stressed and busy.

OMG12 · 27/02/2022 15:06

This is one of the many many reasons we have one child. There are some downsides -esp during the pandemic but our lives are a lot calmer and we can do more with just the one. But it does come with some different pressures. Although we have lots of friends with onlies and life does seem a lot easier than for those with larger families.

Original poster
woodenstuck · 27/02/2022 15:06

@GreekGod

I'm confused. Why are you doing this to yourself ? Everyone has problems and I'm sure your friend has problems too. I have 3 DC who are now teenagers and we are not a peaceful house but we laugh scream and all together get along and we all love each other. You have said that you are screaming your head off all day but your friend does not do this with her daughter. Clearly, you have different personalities. I don't think you should be envious. I think you should appreciate the 4 lovely boys you have and spend time with them and try not to scream too much or all the time even when you are really stressed (I know its really hard) - just keep in mind that one day they will grow up to be 4 gorgeous men who will adore their mum.
Thank you! Mine are 13, 9, 7 and 2.
OP posts:
HikingforScenery · 27/02/2022 15:08

I doubt your friend of her daughter would be showing you the worst part of their relationship.
Sounds like you may have wanted a girl? Boys’s relationships with their mum can be as good.
Of course you’ve more children so your house is busier.

Your df would probably be wishing she’d someone to parent with together.

MrsMiddleMother · 27/02/2022 15:09

It's not girls vs boys it's the fact you have 4 kids and she has 1. If you wanted a close bond and one on one time you shouldn't have had so many kids. If you resent your friend for simply having a different life, you are not a friend and should leave her be.

AnneLovesGilbert · 27/02/2022 15:10

My bet is that your friend's daughter would love a big, noisy family with company of her own age on tap

I have no idea why people say things like this. Why would it make anyone feel better to think someone who appears happy and content is secretly miserable, least of all a young child?

Original poster
woodenstuck · 27/02/2022 15:10

@MrsMiddleMother

It's not girls vs boys it's the fact you have 4 kids and she has 1. If you wanted a close bond and one on one time you shouldn't have had so many kids. If you resent your friend for simply having a different life, you are not a friend and should leave her be.
Oh don't be so melodramatic, she has no idea I feel like this.
OP posts:
AnneLovesGilbert · 27/02/2022 15:11

Your df would probably be wishing she’d someone to parent with together.

OP says she does. The friend’s ex sounds nice and involved.

Milomonster · 27/02/2022 15:13

As a single mother to a beautifully behaved boy, I concur on some of the points you mentioned, however, I’d rather have a loving partner and be able to show my son what a happy relationship looks like. He would love a sibling, but I can’t give him that. Yes, less stress than having 4 kids and a man child but we miss out on a lot too.

Hawkins001 · 27/02/2022 15:15

All the best op

BiscuitLover3678 · 27/02/2022 15:16

You don’t think she ever gets lonely or wonder what will happen when her daughter grows up?
I find it sad you would be jealous. You can ho home to a husband and 4 children, which is a big pipe dream for a lot of people.

Is it jealousy for her or more dissatisfaction with something at home? How old are your boys? Can you take turns for quality time with your boys?

PurrBox · 27/02/2022 15:16

You are going to get a lot of people chiding you about: boys/girls, having 4 kids, yelling and bickering, comparing inside knowledge of your life to outside knowledge of friend's life, etc.

Why not start a thread about how you are struggling to feel calm and connected with your 4, and get some advice and empathy. Comparing yourself to your friend has brought on a lot of people who will yell at you, and this thread will continue to attract that response, I think.

I hope you find peace and closeness with your boys- I am sure you already have it often, and will have it more as the years go by.