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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be jealous of how my friend is raising her daughter?

529 replies

woodenstuck · 27/02/2022 14:29

My best friend is a single mum to an 8 year old girl. I have 4 children, all boys, and a husband. I love them all dearly and wouldn't change them for the world but I was round at my friends this morning for a coffee and I can't help but feel a pit of jealousy when I am with her and her daughter.

Their house is so cosy and girly and they have an amazing relationship, almost 'banter'. The daughter respects her mum and they genuinely belly laugh together. They're always spending time together, going days out at the weekend. My friend just seems to have a stress free and enjoyable life.

I love my boys but I have 4 of them and work full time (friend is at uni and supported by her parents) as does my husband, so it's hard to spend time with them all individually so I guess I don't have that close close bond I see my friend has with her daughter. All they do is fight and bicker and I have other things to be getting on with at the weekend so days out are few and far between.

Being in their house this morning, everything is so calm and quiet and happy and she can sit in peace in the kitchen and enjoy her coffee and read her book or just genuinely enjoy her daughters company. I feel like the way she is raising her daughter she is already a lot more mature than her age and I worry I am doing my boys some sort of disservice.

It's making me feel resentment towards my friend. Like when she says she's stressed with uni work I just want to scream because I'm like you don't even know the meaning of stress! Her life seems serene.

I don't know what I'm asking really I just needed to Vent I suppose.

OP posts:
AlexaShutUp · 27/02/2022 15:17

I think I understand where you're coming from, OP. I have one dd, now 16, and we have always had this kind of relationship. We're extremely close, and even the teenage years have been a breeze. Life is busy, yes, but that's more because of my job and other commitments. Parenting has never really been a source of stress to me. I didn't plan to have an only child but wouldn't change it now for the world.

I'm sure that life with 4 kids is very different, and your relationships with them will obviously different, but that doesn't necessarily mean worse. You chose to have a big family so there must have been things that you liked about that. Perhaps you value the liveliness of a large family, or maybe you place a lot of value on the sibling relationships?

Whatever, there is no going back now, so there isn't much point in dwelling on comparisons. Focus on your relationships with your dc and on all of the positives in your current situation. You aren't doing anything wrong, you just have a different family dynamic. Enjoy it for what it is.

AmbushedByCake1 · 27/02/2022 15:17

Did it not occur to you that having 4 kids might be quite hectic OP?

Rosebuud · 27/02/2022 15:17

Hmm, I have to be honest the ages of your kids make this even harder to understand, since you’ve had a big age gap then thrown another into the mix.

Your friend has made different choices to you. Your choices are nothing to do with her, instead of resenting her for what you chose, focus on how to try to stop bickering with your husband, stop screaming at your kids, how to spend more time with your kids, both one on one and doing family things together. Focus on how to fix all the things you feel are wrong, and then try to find ways to improve the situation.

7eleven · 27/02/2022 15:17

Use this feeling to reflect on what you want to change about your life, rather than resenting your friend. Presumably she’s made choices to live the life she does. There will be things that are in your control.

arethereanyleftatall · 27/02/2022 15:18

I can relate to this, my house is now 3 girls, me and my (just) teenage daughters, and to be honest, it's marvellous. I had no idea it would be this nice when I divorced my exhusband, none. There's no shouting, we laugh and cuddle. It's a bit too 'down with the patriarchy' perhaps but, meh!
4 will be harder than one regardless of sex!

CambsAlways · 27/02/2022 15:19

Good on her, she’s obviously a good mum, my friend is also a single mum of a daughter and she too has a great relationship with hers! You chose to have four children vast difference between 4 and one! You have a husband too she doesn’t have that support apart from her parents! And how can you say she doesn’t know the meaning of stress!! Of course your family will be entirely different to your friends there are 6 of you for a start, not two

AlexaShutUp · 27/02/2022 15:20

@AnneLovesGilbert

My bet is that your friend's daughter would love a big, noisy family with company of her own age on tap

I have no idea why people say things like this. Why would it make anyone feel better to think someone who appears happy and content is secretly miserable, least of all a young child?

It's also just wrong. My dd loves being an only child, and hasn't ever wanted siblings. She has plenty of company her own age... they're called friends.

That doesn't mean that the OP's dc are desperately wishing away their siblings! Just that you don't have to trash the other child's set-up in order to make the OP's family ok.

GreekGod · 27/02/2022 15:21

No problem OP, four boys at 13, 9, 7 and 2 is really hard. I am being serious by saying make the most of it as they grow up so fast. The age gap you have between them is very challenging. Its just all getting to you - that's all.

Mine are now 18, 16 and 14 (2 girls and a boy) and when i look back, the best times i had with them was when DH slept in on Sunday mornings when they were around 12, 8 and 6 and I used to take them on my own to the local park and run around with a ball with them and then buy them ice cream as a treat - there is no way they would all go together now of course (they have other interests, go out and different friends etc ) but they're still close, all 3 of them. Argue a lot in the house but also stick up for each other and support eachother 100% when it comes to other people

HaveringWavering · 27/02/2022 15:21

@AmbushedByCake1

Did it not occur to you that having 4 kids might be quite hectic OP?
Quite! Surely at any point after the second is bien you have a good sense of how having a large family will play out?
HaveringWavering · 27/02/2022 15:21

Second is *born

needingpeace · 27/02/2022 15:21

Yep her setup is cosy now until daughter turns 13 and brings home weirdo boy and suddenly mum isn’t wanted around anymore….

ldontWanna · 27/02/2022 15:22

If her life was more chaotic or miserable would that make you feel any better? Would that improve yours? No. You'd just both be miserable and stressed and I wouldn't wish that on a friend.

You chose to have 4 kids. If one of them is 2, quite recently too. The house must've still be noisy,chaotic, bickering etc. For some reason you thought adding another child would be a good thing. For many families it is. If you don't like how some of the things are you need to put the work in and make the changes you want/need. So make a list of what needs to change then come up with ideas or ask for advice on here or for friends and family.

Sunshine1235 · 27/02/2022 15:23

4 is always going to be louder and more chaotic that 1. I would try not to focus on your friend though, her life is different to yours and you’re never going to have the life she has. You have four boys and a husband who you love. Maybe you need to think about your vision for your own life, what’s working and not working at the moment and make moves to change things. You can’t have a serene peaceful life int he way she can but you can have other things that bring lots of happiness and joy

CloseYourEyesAndSee · 27/02/2022 15:24

I'm a lone parent of one and it's bloody awesome. I love it. You made the choice to have 4 kids, it's absurd to resent your friend for making a different and blatantly easier choice. Own your decisions.

festivebitches · 27/02/2022 15:25

Who needs enemies with friends like you.

EthelTheAardvark · 27/02/2022 15:25

Why are you screaming your head off every day? That isn't normal, even with four sons.

What are the "other things" you are doing at weekends that mean you can't relate to your children as individuals? Can you cut them down? Your relationship with your family is more important than having an immaculately clean house. Or get them and your husband to help out with whatever it is so that you all have time to relax together?

BobbinHood · 27/02/2022 15:25

You chose to have 4. You chose to have less time with each child. That’s the trade off. They have the benefit of siblings but the downside of less time with you. There’s nothing unknown about any of this.

Rosebuud · 27/02/2022 15:25

@needingpeace

Yep her setup is cosy now until daughter turns 13 and brings home weirdo boy and suddenly mum isn’t wanted around anymore….
Yeah cos every kid is straight and every boy is a weirdo.

What an odd thing to write.

NotRainingToday · 27/02/2022 15:26

@Bebeschitt

That 8 year old will be 14 soon. 14 year old girls are vicious.
That isn't my experience. My DD was lovely at 14 (still is at 19). DS also lovely at 14.
HikingforScenery · 27/02/2022 15:26

@needingpeace

Yep her setup is cosy now until daughter turns 13 and brings home weirdo boy and suddenly mum isn’t wanted around anymore….
Or her daughter continues to have a lovely close relationship with her mum, well into adulthood. 🤷‍♀️
ldontWanna · 27/02/2022 15:27

@needingpeace

Yep her setup is cosy now until daughter turns 13 and brings home weirdo boy and suddenly mum isn’t wanted around anymore….
What's with the insistence that the kid must be miserable,or turn into a monster, or a dickhead and ohhh how awful the friend's life will be.

Who would wish that for a friend or make themselves feel better like that? There's a certain barely disguised glee in some of these comments that is frankly disturbing.

Some people have ok lives. Instead of hoping for bad stuff to happen or daydreaming about them getting their comeuppance, just accept it's ok. Get over it,accept it and suck it up, instead of making up scenarios where the neighbour's goat is dead too.

secular39 · 27/02/2022 15:28

When it was just DS and I. Our house was always quiet, which I loved but it can get lonely and a bit mudane. University work is very stressful- whether you have one child or 4.

luxxlisbon · 27/02/2022 15:28

I don’t know why people have to bring down your friends situation to make you feel better, talking about how the daughter will be ‘vicious’ as a teenager, not close to to her mum once she dates etc.

She is a single mum, studying to provide a better life for herself and her daughter. She has her own stresses, they don’t need to be better or worse than yours.
You chose to have 4 kids, of course it will be louder than having 2 people in a home.
Try to stop putting your own insecurities onto your friend or you will ruin your friendship. A friend who can’t be happy for you isn’t adding value to your life and that is how you are acting right now.

Original poster
woodenstuck · 27/02/2022 15:29

@CloseYourEyesAndSee

I'm a lone parent of one and it's bloody awesome. I love it. You made the choice to have 4 kids, it's absurd to resent your friend for making a different and blatantly easier choice. Own your decisions.
Way to rub it in 😂 highly sensitive
OP posts:
Youmadeyourbed · 27/02/2022 15:29

What are the "other things" you are doing at weekends that mean you can't relate to your children as individuals?

Going round for coffee at nice friend's nice house then bitching about her on the internet?