Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be jealous of how my friend is raising her daughter?

529 replies

woodenstuck · 27/02/2022 14:29

My best friend is a single mum to an 8 year old girl. I have 4 children, all boys, and a husband. I love them all dearly and wouldn't change them for the world but I was round at my friends this morning for a coffee and I can't help but feel a pit of jealousy when I am with her and her daughter.

Their house is so cosy and girly and they have an amazing relationship, almost 'banter'. The daughter respects her mum and they genuinely belly laugh together. They're always spending time together, going days out at the weekend. My friend just seems to have a stress free and enjoyable life.

I love my boys but I have 4 of them and work full time (friend is at uni and supported by her parents) as does my husband, so it's hard to spend time with them all individually so I guess I don't have that close close bond I see my friend has with her daughter. All they do is fight and bicker and I have other things to be getting on with at the weekend so days out are few and far between.

Being in their house this morning, everything is so calm and quiet and happy and she can sit in peace in the kitchen and enjoy her coffee and read her book or just genuinely enjoy her daughters company. I feel like the way she is raising her daughter she is already a lot more mature than her age and I worry I am doing my boys some sort of disservice.

It's making me feel resentment towards my friend. Like when she says she's stressed with uni work I just want to scream because I'm like you don't even know the meaning of stress! Her life seems serene.

I don't know what I'm asking really I just needed to Vent I suppose.

OP posts:
Cookiecrumble22 · 27/02/2022 15:42

I'm a single parent of a large family. Ranging from 5yrs -24yrs And it can be really hard. Each child has their own needs mentally/emotionally/ special needs ect. They have really tested me at times and really pushed my own mental health to the limit. To where I have ended up sobbing down the phone to a staff member at my child's school or to the gp.

Then I have friends who are simlar to your friend everything seems so prim and proper. And perfect. But at the end of the day I'm not them, my life is different. But I love the fact that almost every night my oldest boy comes and has a good chat with me for an hour or so . We really laugh together. And my daughter says she loves me sends messages on her phone and things. My 5 and 6 year olds . Tell me at least 20 tones a day that they love me. My 6 year old sits so close to Me every day although there is loads of room . They also cuddle and hug each other alot and they have the best bond. It's just small things but I have to hold onto them because if I just saw the bad bits I would sink. Look for the good things about your family op. No matter how small.

As for the school rewards and where there is always something negative on the report . Ignore the negative Tell them how amazing and proud of them you are.

DiddyHeck · 27/02/2022 15:43

@woodenstuck

Well she does have support as she is on good terms with her child's dad, that's what I mean, her life just seems very peaceful and quiet. Like for instance, she says her house is a 'no shouting house'. In the 8 years since her daughters been born I have never heard her shout at her daughter. Whereas I'm screaming my head off everyday. Me and my husband bicker everyday yet she gets on well with her daughters dad to the point he joins her and my friend and her family on Xmas day and do joint bday party. I know it's really great for the daughter but I can't help be envious. I think my life would have been much simpler.
From your OP (talking about your own boys)...

All they do is fight and bicker

And then later...

Whereas I'm screaming my head off everyday. Me and my husband bicker everyday

I imagine this is what's behind your feelings, not your friend making her own family choices.

If your kids are living with screaming/bickering parents, they're hardly likely to grow up as calm individuals.

GreekGod · 27/02/2022 15:43

Can some of the posters give OP a break ? Its really hard raising one child or many children. i am really shocked by some of these horrid comments directed at her. I don't think OP is being bitchy, in fact she has already said what a wonderful mum her friend is and OP feels she is giving her own children a bit of a disservice - OP is just having a bit of a hard time with four young children and wants a bit of support. She has already said that she just wants to vent and is not sure what she is asking for.

Marmelace · 27/02/2022 15:43

Ffs how many times are people going to tell the OP she chose to have 4 children? The op isn't hating on her friend, she is feeling like a failure for not being able to be like her friend. I'm positive the OP doesn't regret her boys, but is just feeling very stressed and lonely. For what it's worth OP, single mum of 3 boys here, age 16, 23 and 27. Life was mad when they were younger, but they grew up and we have a good relationship. The youngest is going through a surly stage atm, I'm counting to 10 a hell of a lot. I do tell him off, 5ft 1 to his 6ft, have to look up to do so now Grin

fairylightsandwaxmelts · 27/02/2022 15:44

Why are people so determined to hope that anyone who is happy won't be soon?!? Really bizarre. This is about the fifth comment on this thread saying 'don't worry, her life will be shit soon.' What a strange way to make yourself feel happier, by hoping that someone else feels worse.

MN doesn't like people who are happy and who have good lives.

If you post about how good things are going for you, you're accused of boasting or showing off, or of being insensitive and arrogant and smug.

Marmelace · 27/02/2022 15:45

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk guidelines.

gingerhills · 27/02/2022 15:45

Never compare, but especially never compare unlike situations. I read just the other day a parenting expert - maybe Gabor Maté – saying show me a child who is 'mature; for their age and I'll show you a depressed adult. Children should be allowed to be children, not accelerated mini adult companions to a lone parent. A child who is always good is a child on high alert for her parent's happiness and fragility.

But I think jealousy is an indicator of what we want more of. So, find time to take one boy out for half a day each weekend, one at a time, for one-on-one time. I used to do this with my sons. Find out what they wanted to do and have a small excursion. We went to Comic Con, to guitar and bass shows at Olympia, to films, farms, museums etc. I don't believe you can't make time for half a day each weekend. Get all hands on deck for one hour in the morning to strip and remake beds, hoover, dust, polish, empty bins and sort laundry into darks and lights. Get them to take turns helping you do batch cook a bit for the week ahead. Then go and have fun.

Tyrantosaurus · 27/02/2022 15:46

@ImWearingReallyJudgyPants

OP, if I were you, I'd feel sorry for her, only having one child. I'd also feel sorry for the child, having nobody but her mum in the house. If I could choose either life, I'd choose yours any day.

I have two kids and a partner, but this isn't very nice. Not everyone wants more than one child, not everyone wants a sibling. Maybe think about other people on this thread reading things like this.

Cam2020 · 27/02/2022 15:46

You chose to have four children!!

Marmelace · 27/02/2022 15:47

Another idiot

SleepingStandingUp · 27/02/2022 15:47

I don’t envy your friend. I wouldn’t want to be a single mother with one child. Who knows what life will be like for her in 10/20 years….? well she will have a grown up daughter she's incredibly close with she could travel the world with. She could have a hot younger boyfriend she has amazing sex with whilst her daughter is at Uni and then she could have a couple of grand kids she dotes on and can afford to treat. Why can people only build up op by tearing down a woman who's done nothing wrong except have one child by her own choice or not.

You’ll have your husband and teenage/adult sons and hopefully not hard work as they are now. and she might not. You can't assume her life will somehow be better than her friends because she had more kids and isn't divorced ywt

dottydodah · 27/02/2022 15:47

I feel people saying that having 4 boys was a misjudgement on your part is rather nasty and unkind.As for not shouting at them, or bickering with DH do these people live in la la land? All families are chaotic .My friend is a SM with 4 DC! She is always stressed and worried about money and has a FT job FFS! Try to relax and enjoy your DS ,There has also been some studies that have found several boys of similar ages tend to do well in their future as they are in competition with each other as children

Bunce1 · 27/02/2022 15:49

Her life does sound nice and uncomplicated with her one child.

Try using this as a way to make some changes in your own household.

Create peace. Initiate one on one time. Where can you streamline your life. What can you change?

Associatepeggy · 27/02/2022 15:49

There has also been some studies that have found several boys of similar ages tend to do well in their future as they are in competition with each other as children

So what does that mean for the significantly younger one?

NorthSouthcatlady · 27/02/2022 15:49

Have you done her course? A lot of university courses are very demanding e.g. healthcare courses, engineering etc. No one made you have 4 children.

fairylightsandwaxmelts · 27/02/2022 15:50

OP, you sound very unhappy.

But you made the choice to have four children with a fairly large age gap between eldest and youngest, so you need to make the best of it, not spend your time feeling angry because other people (who made different choices) have it 'easier'.

PollyPerkins87 · 27/02/2022 15:50

And that is precisely why I only have 1 child.

Chocomelon · 27/02/2022 15:52

Why have four kids OP? Sounds like you want to have your cake and eat it.

She's your friend. Be happy she's happy and work on your own life.

Toty · 27/02/2022 15:53

Your choice to have 4 kids you don't have time for. If you'd stuck to one you could have had a similar parenting experience. 🤷‍♀️
Pretty horrible to to talk about a friend like this because you're not happy with the choices YOU made.

thanktor · 27/02/2022 15:53

You work full time
You have 4sons

I am a single mum with a life fairly similar to your friends

And I wouldn’t swap for anything!!

figuringoutmylife · 27/02/2022 15:53

@woodenstuck I have a couple friends who have similar set ups and I think it can be true that they are very very happy and not overwhelmed. Not every single parent struggles - resources, needs of your children have a huge impact.

I have a friend who retired young from her job as a Head of a lovely school. Adopted 2 daughters internationally 6 years apart. Both are very very bright. They live in a lovely bungalow she inherited. She retired at age after adoption 2. I think she was 50. They have a charmed life, very similar to that you describe. They aren't rich, but she will never have to count pennies. Twenty years in a home with no mortgage, on a very good income, now also with the proceeds of the sale of her parents home sitting in a bank account. Both girls take piano and are very good, it's all very simple and lovely. I think the age gap between her daughters helps, their needs aren't conflicting. Eldest will likely go to Oxford and wants to do neuroscience with a PhD. She's currently 17 and little one is in last year at primary school. That is in stark contrast to friends with 3 and 4 dc, full time jobs much like you describe. Having said all that, most people have stress of some kind sooner or later.

In some ways I think it's really normal to look at other people's lives and be intrigued, and perhaps occasionally wishful. Sometimes I think partly that's seeing how different your life would have been with different choices/circumstances. But also remember there would be so many people who look at your life and wish they could have had a larger family etc.

No judgement here for your feelings. I hope voicing them helped.

Flowers
NandorTheRelentlessCleaner · 27/02/2022 15:53

But this is easy OP

There is a secret, and she knows it. The secret is a half-full view, counting your blessings and not just accepting the hand you were dealt but also making the most of it.

You could do the same. It’s amazing to have a supportive relationships, secure job, 4 lovely kids. Yes, also hard work, but can you not rejoice in it a bit more?

Fwiw, as a mother of 2 boys I would have loved more boys (or girls)

Take a deep breath and count your blessings SmileSmile

DinnoWoman · 27/02/2022 15:55

"He has a daily beauty in his life that makes me jealous"

Careful OP

Sisisimone · 27/02/2022 15:55

It's sounds like you're very unhappy and seeing your friend so happy is magnifying this for you. Instead of resenting your friend start thinking about what changes you can make to improve your own life.

thanktor · 27/02/2022 15:57

Can’t get my head around working full time and having 4 children

Swipe left for the next trending thread