To be jealous of how my friend is raising her daughter?

[woodenstuck]

My best friend is a single mum to an 8 year old girl. I have 4 children, all boys, and a husband. I love them all dearly and wouldn't change them for the world but I was round at my friends this morning for a coffee and I can't help but feel a pit of jealousy when I am with her and her daughter.

Their house is so cosy and girly and they have an amazing relationship, almost 'banter'. The daughter respects her mum and they genuinely belly laugh together. They're always spending time together, going days out at the weekend. My friend just seems to have a stress free and enjoyable life.

I love my boys but I have 4 of them and work full time (friend is at uni and supported by her parents) as does my husband, so it's hard to spend time with them all individually so I guess I don't have that close close bond I see my friend has with her daughter. All they do is fight and bicker and I have other things to be getting on with at the weekend so days out are few and far between.

Being in their house this morning, everything is so calm and quiet and happy and she can sit in peace in the kitchen and enjoy her coffee and read her book or just genuinely enjoy her daughters company. I feel like the way she is raising her daughter she is already a lot more mature than her age and I worry I am doing my boys some sort of disservice.

It's making me feel resentment towards my friend. Like when she says she's stressed with uni work I just want to scream because I'm like you don't even know the meaning of stress! Her life seems serene.

I don't know what I'm asking really I just needed to Vent I suppose.

Why did you choose to have 4 children if you like calm and quiet?

@needingpeace

Yep her setup is cosy now until daughter turns 13 and brings home weirdo boy and suddenly mum isn’t wanted around anymore….

That’s far from inevitable. There’s no need to try to make the OP feel better by shitting on her friend’s life.

@needingpeace

Yep her setup is cosy now until daughter turns 13 and brings home weirdo boy and suddenly mum isn’t wanted around anymore….

Why are people so determined to hope that anyone who is happy won't be soon?!? Really bizarre. This is about the fifth comment on this thread saying 'don't worry, her life will be shit soon.' What a strange way to make yourself feel happier, by hoping that someone else feels worse.

@AnneLovesGilbert

My bet is that your friend's daughter would love a big, noisy family with company of her own age on tap

I have no idea why people say things like this. Why would it make anyone feel better to think someone who appears happy and content is secretly miserable, least of all a young child?

I absolutely agree.

Why the need to put other woman down for her set up and state teen girls are awful.. As if to say 'Op don't worry and just know she will be in hell in a few years'

Why do we need to do this?

OP, her set up is similar to mine, yes it is blissful but there were hardships and difficulties along the way. Just because you see calm and serenity it doesn't mean it has always been like that. I am sure she has worked hard to achieve what she has - including peace with the ex.

Focus on what you have and what you can change. You and you alone chose to have 4 kids. Feel less envious of your friends and work on your own set up and household.

I think the grass is always greener! Yes it would be nice to have a little mini me to play with ,take shopping and so on.However 4 boys and a hubby is cool too! You sound amazing OP with a large family and a FT job.

You should be looking to try and improve your home life Op, which would be unlikely to be serene and calm with four children. If you are not careful the little seed of envy you feel now will grow. Only you know if it is worth risking your friendship over it.

I have parented as a couple and as a single parent. Regardless of her being able to co parent well with the father, being a single parent is hard.

I have a great relationship with my dd now 18 (who incidentally didn't become the nightmare teenager) and also a great one with ds who is 11.

Your house is chaotic because you chose to have 4 kids. You had 3. You knew how busy it was then year later added another.

You sound very unhappy in your own life with your own choices and seek to have decided that's her fault and she shouldn't complain about anything because you are unhappy. That's really shitty of any friend.

@woodenstuck

Well she does have support as she is on good terms with her child's dad, that's what I mean, her life just seems very peaceful and quiet. Like for instance, she says her house is a 'no shouting house'. In the 8 years since her daughters been born I have never heard her shout at her daughter. Whereas I'm screaming my head off everyday. Me and my husband bicker everyday yet she gets on well with her daughters dad to the point he joins her and my friend and her family on Xmas day and do joint bday party. I know it's really great for the daughter but I can't help be envious. I think my life would have been much simpler.

My son & daughter are early 20’s. I’ve never had to shout at them. Heated discussions sometimes, but shouting at your children everyday and bickering with your partner doesn’t sound much fun. They will likely grow up and do the same.

@Bebeschitt

That 8 year old will be 14 soon. 14 year old girls are vicious.

What a really unkind thing to say. Are you a 14 year old girl? You mean ‘some’ 14 year old girls are vicious, along with some 14 year old boys. And why would you wish this on someone who has done nothing except make different choices?

I have 2 friends with 4 kids and they both make no secret that they feel like you do. I admit to secretly wondering why they had 4, they knew when they had 2 and then 3 what parenting involved
Anyway, you’re completely misdirecting your issues. Do you honestly think that there is anything easy about being a single mum and a uni student?

Anyway, you too will be able to sit and have a coffee and read a book when your youngest child is 8.

@AnneLovesGilbert

Your df would probably be wishing she’d someone to parent with together.

OP says she does. The friend’s ex sounds nice and involved.

He’s probably not at home instantly for her to pop out though, is he? Or available for a cuddle in the evening, if she wants one. Or to share household bills with. If he’s that involved, it must mean that the df doesn’t see her own child everyday.

All of these are what I meant by ‘parenting together’. I should’ve added on a daily basis.

OP, you’ve a 2 year old too. Her dd is 8. You can’t really compare tbh.

Save your energy and as pps have said, use it to improve your relationship with your children, if you’re not happy with it.

I'm a single, full-time (albeit freelance thank god) mum to 2 boys, but one of 4 kids, and yes, with 4, it's always going to be hectic.

With 2, sometimes they're the best of friends, sometimes there's bickering, sometimes we do stuff together, sometimes I take one out of the minders at a time so we can have some one on one time, but still, I'm holding on by the skin of my teeth for the next 5-10 years I think.

Mind you, I go round to my friends sometimes, who just has the one girl, and their house is just as noisy - so probably a lot depends on the children in question.

If you want to spend more time with your kids, you need to find the time - and I do suggest that you do it with just one of them at a time - shopping with 2+ kids is a nightmare, shopping with just the one can actually be quite pleasant.

OP, if I were you, I'd feel sorry for her, only having one child. I'd also feel sorry for the child, having nobody but her mum in the house. If I could choose either life, I'd choose yours any day.

I love my boys but I have 4 of them and work full time (friend is at uni and supported by her parents) as does my husband, so it's hard to spend time with them all individually so I guess I don't have that close close bond I see my friend has with her daughter. All they do is fight and bicker and I have other things to be getting on with at the weekend so days out are few and far between

I think you know why you aren’t close but aren’t willing to prioritise.
I have a close relationship with both my dc. It is a case of making time. It doesn’t have to be a whole day out. It can be stopping for a drink and cake at a cafe and having a chat. Or when they need new clothes shopping and lunch.
It is the little 5 minute chats and them knowing that you will stop what you are doing to talk to them.

FWIW the happiest people I know are all single parents. They will be quite honest that their lives are really really hard and ultimately everything is on them but the freedom it gives them is priceless.

@ImWearingReallyJudgyPants

OP, if I were you, I'd feel sorry for her, only having one child. I'd also feel sorry for the child, having nobody but her mum in the house. If I could choose either life, I'd choose yours any day.

I wouldn’t. And thankfully didn’t. My DD is pretty grateful too.

Not a judgement but a genuine qn. Why did you have four children? They're well spaced out so it's not in the thick of it you had a lot and thought it'd be fine. Because that's the main difference. Family size and how you feel about it.

If you're unhappy with your DH you don't have to stay. Do you think he'd agree to 50/50?

And, another one!! Stop putting people down to pull yourself up! That's what bullies do.

Yabu on yourself. There’s a reason I stopped at 2 chn! Having 4 boys is going to be hard work on top of a full time job but it’s also wonderful and worthwhile. Stop comparing and enjoy your family and your friendship.

@ImWearingReallyJudgyPants

OP, if I were you, I'd feel sorry for her, only having one child. I'd also feel sorry for the child, having nobody but her mum in the house. If I could choose either life, I'd choose yours any day.

Wow. What an awful thing to write. Their life does indeed sound happy. Why does this make you unhappy?

Love what you have, and continue to do the best for your boys and your husband.
I don’t envy your friend. I wouldn’t want to be a single mother with one child. Who knows what life will be like for her in 10/20 years….?
You’ll have your husband and teenage/adult sons and hopefully not hard work as they are now.

it must at least be in part about numbers, a house with 6 people in it is always going to be different than one with only 2.
I’m a single mum with one son, now 17. We have a similar relationship to the one you describe for your friend. We spend a lot less time together now he is older but still have days out together, in the last few weeks we have two days out to sports events, and one outing for posh afternoon tea. We have three holidays planned for the summer.
Our house is cosy, often very untidy - has it crossed your mind that she may have tidied up before you arrived. If I have vistors I throw stuff in the cupboard under the stairs, behind the sofa, quick hoover and it looks fine ( don’t mention the bedrooms)
Its very unlikely that she has a stress free life, I’m quite happy being single and having only one child, but I have other worries.

Lots of people say they’re jealous of my life too which I have always found odd.

I am a single parent with 1 DD and we get on very well and have a lovely, calm life just like your friend.

However I am still a single parent which means my life is absolutely more difficult than most 2 parent households - I would love to have a partner but I don’t have much time to find one and I’ll only have someone who improved my life, not makes it harder.

I only have 1 as that’s all I can manage - I feel tremendous guilt at my DD growing up as an only child and it’s something I’ve always regretted.

As someone who has been to uni whilst being a single parent I can absolutely tell you how difficult it was. It’s not just about lectures during the day, it’s then coming home and having to do assignments and dissertations on top of all the cooking, cleaning, admin etc.
Life is easier now I’m working FT.

I try and make life as calm as possible as I couldn’t cope having the stress of being a single parent on top of other stresses in life.

The grass is always greener. Some probably envy your life too.

Instead of focusing on someone else’s life, you need to see how you can improve yours.
Is your DP pulling his weight?
Are you happy in your marriage?
As a 2 parent family you will have more money and more free time than her - so what about joining a gym or starting a new hobby?

@ImWearingReallyJudgyPants

OP, if I were you, I'd feel sorry for her, only having one child. I'd also feel sorry for the child, having nobody but her mum in the house. If I could choose either life, I'd choose yours any day.

Wow! Really?

I have 2, but why are people insisting her friend life is less than, to try and appease the op. It's really weird behaviour.

Loads of kids grow up as only children and are perfectly happy. Loads of kids with one of several siblings grow wishing their parents had stopped having kids and don't get anything out of having siblings. And vice versa.

Bizarre to say you feel sorry for only children.

You can't compare OP - you have 4 children, including a 2 year old. She has one 8 year old.

Envy is such a wasted emotion though - you should just feel happy for your friend. She's happy and (apparently) living a lovely life.

And then maybe look at firstly what you can be grateful for in your own life and secondly what changes you can make to have the life you really want.

fwiw I love being a single parent. I love the bond I've built up with my children (girls and boys). but it is hard (I don't have much help) and sometimes exhausting and relentless and if it's any consolation, I haven't managed a no-shouting household.

@Riverlee

Being an only child isn’t necessarily much fun though. I was one of four and there was always someone to play with. Also, when I went to uni, I could cope with the general noise and hubbub in the halls, whilst only children struggled.

Also, behind closed doors, when there are no visitors, she may be a holy terror. Some only children can be quite selfish as they’re used to being indulged and their every whim catered for. They are not used to sharing, or having to wait their turn. Also, it can be tiring for the parent to entertain them all the time.

To use a cliche, comparison is the thief of joy.

My goodness all the usual crap about only children in one post It's funny because all the people I knew that struggled with communal living at Uni, kids that are terrors at home, selfish, inability to share and over indulged are usually people with siblings.

It's the same as assuming that people with larger families don't love their children as much or have a close relationships with their children due to having to spread themselves around
That their kids when misbehaving must be desperate for attention.

OP The calmest household I ever knew was a family of 6, 4 boys, 2 girls it was calm because the parents were and the kids tearing around being a menace wasn't tolerated.
You sound worn down by life, isn't their anything that could be done to give you a bit of time to yourself or lighten your load in anyway?