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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be jealous of how my friend is raising her daughter?

529 replies

woodenstuck · 27/02/2022 14:29

My best friend is a single mum to an 8 year old girl. I have 4 children, all boys, and a husband. I love them all dearly and wouldn't change them for the world but I was round at my friends this morning for a coffee and I can't help but feel a pit of jealousy when I am with her and her daughter.

Their house is so cosy and girly and they have an amazing relationship, almost 'banter'. The daughter respects her mum and they genuinely belly laugh together. They're always spending time together, going days out at the weekend. My friend just seems to have a stress free and enjoyable life.

I love my boys but I have 4 of them and work full time (friend is at uni and supported by her parents) as does my husband, so it's hard to spend time with them all individually so I guess I don't have that close close bond I see my friend has with her daughter. All they do is fight and bicker and I have other things to be getting on with at the weekend so days out are few and far between.

Being in their house this morning, everything is so calm and quiet and happy and she can sit in peace in the kitchen and enjoy her coffee and read her book or just genuinely enjoy her daughters company. I feel like the way she is raising her daughter she is already a lot more mature than her age and I worry I am doing my boys some sort of disservice.

It's making me feel resentment towards my friend. Like when she says she's stressed with uni work I just want to scream because I'm like you don't even know the meaning of stress! Her life seems serene.

I don't know what I'm asking really I just needed to Vent I suppose.

OP posts:
TabithaHazel · 28/02/2022 21:24

There is a big age gap between your youngest and the next one up OP - are your feelings because you regret going back to the baby years when you were done with them?

newyearsresolurion · 28/02/2022 21:29

I had one child for 8 years always felt bad for her that she didn't have a sibling. Now I have a baby boy she's happy and I love him to bits. Am now thinking having another baby is hard work err I was free. The grass is not always greener just learn to appreciate what you have . 2 is the maximum for me though!!

inheritancetrack · 28/02/2022 21:39

@GlitchStitch

You chose to have 4 kids, of course it will be more chaotic and stressful than having 1.

Exactly. You chose your life, she chose hers. Frankly 4 children is ridiculous if you like a quiet life.

liveforsummer · 28/02/2022 22:49

@ClarasZoo

Boys mess up your house. Girls mess up your head. See how lovely it is when she’s 14😂
My girls are both incredibly messy, is that the reason my head is quite clear? Did they miss the memo?!
Ginger1982 · 28/02/2022 22:53

@JellybabyGina87

But I wouldn't change it. There's positives to having a larger family that your friend may envy. There's a greater sense of family, there's always company. The kids will have each other when they're adults and I'm no longer here.
A greater sense of family? 🙄
Ticksallboxes · 28/02/2022 23:35

@TheChronicalTales my DH had a very similar experience. It was just him and his mum until she met his step dad, started a very successful business and went on to have two more boys.

It was pretty horrendous for DH from about age 11 as his parents hardly had time for the younger boys let alone him, and he'd practically moved out by aged 14, to various aunts and uncles.

He's now gone on to have a good relationship with his brothers, but he will always fondly remember the days when it was just him and his mum. They were poor but it was the only time he felt any tenderness from her.

Kennykenkencat · 01/03/2022 08:06

People are defensive because there's been almost 20 pages of pp saying single mothers with only children are a combination of lonely/sad/weird/full of
resentment/something to be pitied/feeling guilty and jealous of people with husbands and multiple children. You could have made your point without comparing your family to your sister's

I did say that the happiest bunch of people I knew were single parents.

I don’t think this is about having 1 child or 4. The principals are the same. It is about spending time with your children, talking to them and making sure they have plenty of activities to do so they have distractions and have plenty of chances to run around and let off steam.

Fundamentally it is about being organised and looking at what you think you have to do and then organising places for dc to be of neither you or your Dh are free to look after them.

declutteringmymind · 01/03/2022 16:40

Basically there's no right or wrong answer? Both scenarios can be equally happy, albeit differently, no?

Forgothowmuchlhatehomeschoolin · 01/03/2022 22:11

@Biglipsmurphy

I have one child and of course it's much calmer than four but that's a choice that people make. It actually wasn't my choice to only have one, but it's worked out very well. We're very happy with each other. It's just the other side of the coin. I feel like there's a bias on mumsnet towards 'big' families and the assumption that all kids need a sibling or they'll internally combust or something. It's horseshit. Yes, I'm sure big families can be a gang and play so beautifully together yadda yadda. The other side is that it must be noisy, stressful and a shed load of work. Obviously we miss out on lots of siblings and the fun of that, but our silver lining is that we're incredibly close, we have a calm, restful house and we have lots of time to spend together. Neither is the 'right' way to do a family but both have advantages and disadvantages. Of course I would have liked another son or daughter but I enjoy the benefits of one because there's not much I can do about infertility unfortunately.
I could have written this myself
Ginger1982 · 02/03/2022 18:54

@Biglipsmurphy

I have one child and of course it's much calmer than four but that's a choice that people make. It actually wasn't my choice to only have one, but it's worked out very well. We're very happy with each other. It's just the other side of the coin. I feel like there's a bias on mumsnet towards 'big' families and the assumption that all kids need a sibling or they'll internally combust or something. It's horseshit. Yes, I'm sure big families can be a gang and play so beautifully together yadda yadda. The other side is that it must be noisy, stressful and a shed load of work. Obviously we miss out on lots of siblings and the fun of that, but our silver lining is that we're incredibly close, we have a calm, restful house and we have lots of time to spend together. Neither is the 'right' way to do a family but both have advantages and disadvantages. Of course I would have liked another son or daughter but I enjoy the benefits of one because there's not much I can do about infertility unfortunately.
This in spades!
Madeintowerhamlets · 02/03/2022 22:07

Well said @Biglipsmurphy!

appleturnovers · 03/03/2022 08:57

@WhateverHappenedToFayWray

but four sons...you are truly blessed. Don't compare!

So because she has one daughter she isn't "truly blessed"? I can't believe what I'm reading.

My life is busy, exhausting and hugely fulfilling.

My life is busy, exhausting and fulfiling and I only have one child.

FFS, someone can't talk about the good things in their own life without someone taking offence and inferring that they are denigrating other people's lives. How sad.
zlister · 03/03/2022 13:02

FFS, someone can't talk about the good things in their own life without someone taking offence and inferring that they are denigrating other people's lives. How sad.

The whole thread is people feeling sprry for only children and people with one child, so yes. I always wanted siblings for my children. No wonder people are defensive with people trying to prove here how fulfilled they are with however many kids they have and how blessed they are

Bajezzeuz · 03/03/2022 13:16

Are you sure your her friend? Because you don't sound like it

If her house has a no shouting rule and your akways shouting in your house...... What do you think you need to do to stop shouting? Stop shouting Hmm

So what she has a good relationship with the child's father? So what she says she enjoys her single life? It's still bloody hard being a single mum

You have a partner and 4 chikdren who you chose to have. If you don't like the way your life is with the children then you need to make steps to change things, not get angry and resentful at your friend for having a nice life

georgarina · 03/03/2022 13:30

I know lots of only daughter/single mother families. They're very close and not 'chaotic' (being a single parent of one isn't hard if you're financially supported ime) but it can get harder as the child grows. I know a few where the mother or daughter has moved away and there is a lot of loneliness. It's an intense, complicated setup. I'm sure your friend is envious of your life as well, with a partner and siblings and big family. The grass is always greener.

Also, pick out a few things that you envy and try to replicate them in your own life.

Ted27 · 03/03/2022 14:25

@georgarina

why would you assume she is envious

I'm single with one son. We are very close. However, he is 17, and as we both should our lives are moving on. He is becoming independent and building his own life. I have lots of friends and interests and am enjoying my freedom. We still things together
I have breakfast every Friday with a group of female friends, all married apart from me. I listen to them moaning about their husbands, two have quite serious issues.

No thanks. More than happy not to have all the hassle

AlexaShutUp · 03/03/2022 14:50

Yeah, I'm not a single parent but I'm not in the slightest but envious of people with big families. It wasn't actually a choice for me to have an only child - secondary infertility made that choice for me - but I am incredibly thankful for how things worked out. I love life with one dc and I wouldn't change things now even if I could. So no, the grass isn't always greener.

georgarina · 03/03/2022 16:59

@Ted27

Because as I said the grass is always greener. Some things OP is envious of, some things her friend is envious of. Swings and roundabouts.

I'm glad you're happy with your life but not sure what the point is of saying that on this thread, she already thinks her friend's life is great.

Lookingforphev · 03/03/2022 17:16

[quote georgarina]@Ted27

Because as I said the grass is always greener. Some things OP is envious of, some things her friend is envious of. Swings and roundabouts.

I'm glad you're happy with your life but not sure what the point is of saying that on this thread, she already thinks her friend's life is great.[/quote]
I don't think that's true. I am not envious of my best friends set up. I can't think of anyone that I feel envious of.

I dont think that's unusual.

mumof2exhausted · 03/03/2022 17:25

She has one, you have 4. Of course it’s easier for her!! I’ve got 3 boys and have a great bond with all of them and belly laugh all the time but it is hectic and noisy constantly!! Can’t imagine it any other way. The fact you say you have “other stuff to do at weekends” speaks volumes though. Having 3 is so hard to have quality time with each of them even just time to do homework with each of them in the week is hard work but it means I sacrifice what I might want to do for the good of the family. Soon they’ll be older and won’t need me as much.

AlexaShutUp · 03/03/2022 17:28

What a weird assumption that everyone is looking over their shoulder at other families and thinking that other people have it better than they do. I wouldn't swap my family for anyone else's! So the grass most definitely isn't greener here.

Surely most people secretly think that their kids are more lovable and amazing than anyone else's, don't they?WinkGrin

Ted27 · 03/03/2022 17:44

@Lookingforphev

The point is that have don't have the foggiest idea what this woman thinks.
The Op started a thread about how envious SHE was of someone she describes as her best friend.
To make her feel better we have page upon page of people saying this woman and her daughter are strange, should be pitied, are lacking in something ( ie a man) and are miserable without siblings when as far as we know they are happy family

Ted27 · 03/03/2022 17:47

sorry @Lookingforphev that should be for @georgarina

BobbinHood · 03/03/2022 18:09

@Biglipsmurphy

I have one child and of course it's much calmer than four but that's a choice that people make. It actually wasn't my choice to only have one, but it's worked out very well. We're very happy with each other. It's just the other side of the coin. I feel like there's a bias on mumsnet towards 'big' families and the assumption that all kids need a sibling or they'll internally combust or something. It's horseshit. Yes, I'm sure big families can be a gang and play so beautifully together yadda yadda. The other side is that it must be noisy, stressful and a shed load of work. Obviously we miss out on lots of siblings and the fun of that, but our silver lining is that we're incredibly close, we have a calm, restful house and we have lots of time to spend together. Neither is the 'right' way to do a family but both have advantages and disadvantages. Of course I would have liked another son or daughter but I enjoy the benefits of one because there's not much I can do about infertility unfortunately.
This is beautifully put.
PinkNails1 · 03/03/2022 18:12

@woodenstuck did you keep trying (for dc2, 3 and 4) for a girl? If you wanted the close bond you think your friend and her Dd have then you should’ve stopped at DC1 (unless you wanted a girl?). Also, it’s not healthy to be arguing with your dh everyday.

Regardless, you can’t compare your life with your friend’s. You have very different lives.