to refuse subsidised private school fees

[itsbritneybitch92]

My SO and I are turning 30 and are finally planning a family (as we’ve been together since we were 18!). We are not quite on the same page about state vs private education.

We are both in a well respected profession with competitive university entry requirements, 5-6 years of university study and a decade of further training and postgraduate exams. So we have both achieved very well in life. Our household income is high (we earn the same) but nowhere near enough to afford two children in private school alongside other necessities. We are in London.

I grew up in London a single parent family in a 1 bedroom council flat. My mum was a nurse and worked 6-7 days a week, even through school holidays until I was 18. I went to state schools.

My SO grew up in the largest detached house in the surrey hills that I have ever set foot in with a parent who is the CEO of a major finance company. You can imagine the rest from here.

As I grew up relatively “poor”, I like to work for things myself. I’m not a fan of handouts. If I want something, I save hard for however long, I see how I can make it fit into my budget. If my SO wants something, his parents will offer it to him. And why shouldn’t they? They’ve worked so hard to provide for their son. My SO never asks for anything though.

His parents recently helped us with a £350k deposit on a £950k house. I added £25k into this which was my entire life savings since I was born. I felt so uneasy with this at first but honestly his parents are amazing, they treat me like their daughter and I was grateful for this massive jump onto the property ladder for our future family. But SO and I agreed that this would be only handout from his family.

Now, his parents are offering a lump sum to cover 50% of private school fees for two children until university. We haven’t calculated how much this is as it varies by school but from what I have googled, one term can be £30k.

SO and I aren’t sure what to do. I want to refuse, SO wants to accept for a few years. He feels that a good education is guaranteed in a private school. I feel that we can find a good state school and supplement with extracurriculars and memories e.g. holidays etc. 50% of private school fees for two children until 18 for us will still be a massive stretch. Also it’s silly to put kids in private school then suddenly switch them to state school.

I don’t like the idea of our children growing up thinking that their grandparents paid for their housing and their education and also, my mother can offer very little. It feels unbalanced. I also really don’t want snobby kids.

What’s the difference between this latest handout and the earlier one?

We said that would be the only one. It’s difficult to get on the property ladder, it’s not hard to send a kid to school.

You mention your background and your GP as if it’s relevant

Seems like you need to do some work on where you are now in life vs your childhood and come to a level of acceptance about it

It can be really hard - acknowledging that not only your life has changed, but that your DP did their best AND financially speaking your DC will have much more (been there, got the slightly guilty t-shirt)

The old saying: “don’t cut off your nose to spite your face…” comes to mind

Re snobby DC - that one is on you and your DH (how does he feel also if you imply he’s snobby..?) What makes a child that way / what experiences do you want to limit / give?

What would happen if your children aren't academic.
Would you be able to afford all the extras that seem to be talked about.
Would your car be the oldest on the car park (no idea if you're materialistic)

I think I'm trying to say, would the 50% then mean you have to keep asking for other things as you're skint.

I think I'd prefer a good rounded life

Why do you need to decide now? You don't have kids yet. You don't know where you will be when they start school or what their needs might be.

Fees arent that much, tahts for boarding school. Day school fees are more like 20k per years.

I think you shoukd stand on your own feet financially and provide for your own children though, especially if you both have good jobs. This will ruen ro resentment in later years, especially when they start trying to have a say in school choices etc becasue they are paying, which ive seen many times.

You haven't even got kids yet!!

Sending them to private school is bit a cure-all. You have no idea how your DCs will turn out, academic ability, interests, personalities SEN etc A good education means finding the school that is the best fit for an individual child. That may be state or private.

Would your in laws want a say in the school chosen, because that would be a big no from me. Otherwise, I think it's an option worth considering.

I'd do state primary and then reassess when they are older.
If you could afford it yourselves would you pay? If yes I don't see the difference in accepting help from willing family.

It also massively depends on the state options available around you. Some are great some dire.

I think you need to decide whether it's a deal breaker for either of you. I would not want this personally.

How much control would you have over how it was spent? Would his parents want to choose the school?
If you found a good state option that suited your children could the money then be used for uni fees instead?
What if you had more than 2 children? Ie second pregnancy was twins?
For me I would want to understand all these factors first. If it is essentially a sum of money in an educational trust fund that you and you husband can decide how best to use for your children then I would accept as a lovely gesture for the children. If there are any other conditions attached then I would not want to accept.

What about agreeing a state primary school and then looking at private secondary school. Which would mean the lump sum covers most of it.
This would be the grandparents doing something for the grandchildren not you.

Why not just say you’re both doctors? 🤷🏻‍♀️

I find you have a stance when it suits you;

1. you took a huge amount once for a 950k house, if you had such huge principles you would have bought a cheaper house.

1. You went to state school and are doing really well with your career so why do your kids HAVE to go to state school?

That aside your DH doesn't sound like a dick so i assume his kids would be raised the same and not be snobby.

You’re not married - is that right?

What is the immediate plan for childcare & work before you get to thinking about schools?

Is the house owned jointly in equal shares?

Honestly, you've accepted £350k already. That's not a 'hand out' to most people, that is a HUGE amount of money. Within that context I don't really see what the big deal is with them subsidising your dc's education.

I'm going to stick with the education aspect here.

Are you aware of how the education system works in the UK? Basically you apply to the schools you want for your DC and then you are allocated, you are not guaranteed a school (although being in catchment helps). Catchments change all the time, is your house is a good catchment for good schools? State schools have been underfunded for a long time, this is set to continue.

I actually don't know why anyone would deny their child a chance at a better education (because I do believe most private schools are better than state). Another way you can look at it is that you are also freeing up a place for someone who can't afford private.

I think it really depends on the schools and the children. If there are excellent state schools nearby and your kids don’t have additional needs and thrive in that kind of environment then that’s fine. But in reality many kids have some real issues with secondary education in particular and benefit from smaller/ more specialist schools. And lots of kids in the state sector go to tutors etc. Do you need to make a decision now? If so could the money be put into an account for “education” and used as appropriate (either school fees or other stuff like music lessons, tutors, university etc). Is there any chance that the funds could be withdrawn, for example if you split up (hope not but possible), or if your in laws didn’t approve of the school. I think you’re right to be wary/ ask questions but I’d also be reluctant to give a definite “no” at this point.

I grew up similarly to you OP as did DH although slightly better off than my family. We are now comfortable in professional roles but both public sector so not super high earners.
I would take it, probably more so than the house deposit, like it or not private education offers opportunities. I went to a bad state comp and did very well, but I'm not kidding myself that it would've been a lot easier somewhere else and my education would've been more rounded, whereas I was largely ignored because I behaved and didn't need assistance to do the work while there were plenty of children with social care involvement, no support at home etc.
You say your PIL are lovely so it doesn't sound like there will be strings. Ultimately why do we strive to earn well? To provide for ourselves and future generations, so they don't have the struggles we did. DS will have more opportunities than I had, that doesn't mean he will be spoiled or snobby. That's about attitude and entitlement rather than just money.

*i meant have to go to private not state

I’d send the kids to state school for the first few years of primary and then switch to private school and accept the help. It’s very common for grandparents to help with school fees if they have the wealth to do so.

Put yourself in their shoes … would you not want to help your children out if you could easily afford it?

You say they are lovely and it seems like there is no strings attached. I was state educated and so are my children, but absolutely I would send them to private school if I could.

Why shouldn't his parents plan their estate efficiently? It's better to have the money now than when they're dead.

I actually don't know why anyone would deny their child a chance at a better education (because I do believe most private schools are better than state).

You believe that, but maybe the OP doesn't?

Anyway, this is all a bit premature, you aren't even pregnant yet.

from what I have googled, one term can be £30k.

Most London day schools I looked at recently were just under 20K per child per year. So you'd be looking at a bit under £1700 a month for half the fees for two children?

One term isn’t 30k !!

Primary level £15-£18k A YEAR for a very good independent school

Secondary : The likes of Sevenoaks, Tonbridge boys are under £32k A YEAR