to refuse subsidised private school fees

[itsbritneybitch92]

My SO and I are turning 30 and are finally planning a family (as we’ve been together since we were 18!). We are not quite on the same page about state vs private education.

We are both in a well respected profession with competitive university entry requirements, 5-6 years of university study and a decade of further training and postgraduate exams. So we have both achieved very well in life. Our household income is high (we earn the same) but nowhere near enough to afford two children in private school alongside other necessities. We are in London.

I grew up in London a single parent family in a 1 bedroom council flat. My mum was a nurse and worked 6-7 days a week, even through school holidays until I was 18. I went to state schools.

My SO grew up in the largest detached house in the surrey hills that I have ever set foot in with a parent who is the CEO of a major finance company. You can imagine the rest from here.

As I grew up relatively “poor”, I like to work for things myself. I’m not a fan of handouts. If I want something, I save hard for however long, I see how I can make it fit into my budget. If my SO wants something, his parents will offer it to him. And why shouldn’t they? They’ve worked so hard to provide for their son. My SO never asks for anything though.

His parents recently helped us with a £350k deposit on a £950k house. I added £25k into this which was my entire life savings since I was born. I felt so uneasy with this at first but honestly his parents are amazing, they treat me like their daughter and I was grateful for this massive jump onto the property ladder for our future family. But SO and I agreed that this would be only handout from his family.

Now, his parents are offering a lump sum to cover 50% of private school fees for two children until university. We haven’t calculated how much this is as it varies by school but from what I have googled, one term can be £30k.

SO and I aren’t sure what to do. I want to refuse, SO wants to accept for a few years. He feels that a good education is guaranteed in a private school. I feel that we can find a good state school and supplement with extracurriculars and memories e.g. holidays etc. 50% of private school fees for two children until 18 for us will still be a massive stretch. Also it’s silly to put kids in private school then suddenly switch them to state school.

I don’t like the idea of our children growing up thinking that their grandparents paid for their housing and their education and also, my mother can offer very little. It feels unbalanced. I also really don’t want snobby kids.

I don't agree it's too early to start planning, I think planning ahead is why many successful people are successful! However that should come with flexibility, you can have a plan but be open to the fact it might need to change based on the circumstances you find yourself in.

It sounds like you have very generous in laws, and at the same time, you have worked incredibly hard to be independent, so I can totally understand why you feel at odds, you have however accepted help with a house deposit, and with childcare so at this point I'm not sure I see a difference.

I personally don't like the generalisation of snobby kids, of course there will be some but I'm my experience of going to private school and putting one daughter through 16 years of private and the other half way through (yr4) I see very few snobby kids, even the ones who get chauffeur driven to school spend a fair bit of their time volunteering and fundraising for local charities.

My children go to private school and have been since reception.
I'd like to think that they're not snobby 😉
Unless you're boarding, a term's fees are about £6.5k per child and in primary school it's a lot less.
Not all private schools are better than state by any means.
I'd wait until you actually have kids before you decide tbh.
I've not regretted sending them for a minute and fortunately for us it isn't an issue financially. If it were, I wouldn't send them.

Accepting this contribution (and the deposit and childcare) would give too much potential influence over the family for my liking. There's also the issue of feeling indebted to them for such a lot of money.

You're not even pregnant! Start this thread again once you have an actual kid approaching school age.

It’s a waste of money generally to send your children to private prep/primary schools. Also depending on private school a good private school rather than an average private school is better in my opinion/experience. Also depends on the child.

Find a good state primary school and then rethink this issue when the kids go to secondary school. It also depends massively on the area you live in. Some have great eg grammar schools but incredibly competitive to get into. Also you’ve got no idea what your children’s characters are, eg if they’d cope with a good state school or if they’re more arty so would be good in a stage school (Brit school?).

I went to a private convent for a few years but it was an average snobby religious convent, I mainly went there because a friend went there so I “knew” someone. I’d have been much better going to a nearby similar private school which wasn’t a convent where I knew no one.

You may end up spending the money on IVF to get the children.

Just be aware of widening inequalities in the relationship if/when this goes ahead e.g. you dropping to three days but him keeping up with full time - limits your income and earning potential and promotion etc. Consider 4 days each?

Basically, your PILs are wanting you to pay 50% of the fees from your own money so that they can contribute the other 50% towards something you didn’t want in the first place.

Yes, exactly. If the OP doesn't think private education is worth the investment, then she won't want to pay for the other 50%, no matter how generous the offer from her PIL is. Maybe she would prefer to invest any disposable cash in other things that she believes will be of greater benefit to her kids?

Privately educated doesn’t automatically equal snobby… I grew up in very similar circumstances (single mother, council house, not a pot to piss in most of the time) but I got an assisted place and attended a private school, and I’m not snobby (at least, I don’t think I am).

There are state schools and there are state schools. If you want to live in London in the catchment area of a school that will deliver an education equal (or close) to that of a private school then chances are any house you live in will cost a damn sight more than the one you’re in now so you’ll be spending a fortune either way.

You should tell your partner and his parents that your success in life is proof that they really don’t need to spend their money on private education.

Education, state v private, is such a fundamental thing that you and your partner should be agreed on, regardless of funding.

Re IHT, the parents in law can make regular gifts out of excess income.

Not sure why accepting handouts for your house is much different from subsidised education. You are either independent or you are not

Omg is it the 1940s?! And anyway, they are married.

This stood out for me OP Maternity leave will be as short as possible.

I appreciate that you are planning ahead, and thats a good thing, but you cant possibly know this at this point. You have no idea how hard, or not, you would find it to leave a tiny 3m old baby. Same as you have no idea whether a child might have SEN, or be a school refuser, or be extremely academic, or not. Or you might have twins. Or suffer a bereavement. Or a year into "childcare provided by the grandparents" you might find that your child is becoming clingy and depressed and would benefit from more socialisation in a nursery or childminder setting with other kids. Or you may find your MIL drives you mad by taking your child for haircuts without consulting you, or your FIL has previously unkown views on child rearing that you find abhorrent. Or you start to feel upset because your child seems closer to them than you.

Ive seen this and more over the years. Ive also got privately educated children amd see them and their friends and not all fit well into the private school box. Private schools have issues too.

Planning ahead is great but my advice is slow down a bit, you cant predict all this stuff. Why not say yes in principle and see how it goes. Or thank you we'll bear it in mind once the kids are coming up to school age.

I think your self esteem is important here too. I pay my way a and we put our shildren through private school without assistance and without handouts. Im proud if that and the example im showing my children. If you are having doubts now how will you feel in 20 years time when your entire, comfortable life has been mediated by someone else's efforts? That wouldn't sit well with me. Id rather go through the traditional inheritance mechansim further down the line. I appreciate that brings tax implications, but theyre clearly wealthy enough to afford to pay for tax planning specilaists to help mitigate.

Very similar background to you OP and my DH to your DH. We’ve taken a small lump sum from my DM (£20k) which won’t pay for much but it’s what she wanted to give for the kids education. We’ll fund the rest. DH has a number of siblings so his parent’s estate will be split. But we’ll use that towards private education. Education is the one gift you can give let them pay for it. Btw we did state til 8 looking at inflation and fee rises of 4% we’ve calculated it’ll be £387k to 18

Sorry state til 9 for one and 8 for the other

just a few questions

How come the person you're married to isn't turn out a snob? or did they turn out a snob?

Why did you allow your spouses parents to put down a deposit on your home? If you don't want their money then why something for you but you want to refuse something for their grandchild?

what is SO?

@ivykaty44

just a few questions

How come the person you're married to isn't turn out a snob? or did they turn out a snob?

Why did you allow your spouses parents to put down a deposit on your home? If you don't want their money then why something for you but you want to refuse something for their grandchild?

what is SO?

Significant Other. 🤮

No suggestion they are married.

I work in the same secondary that I went to school at. It is very, very different to when I went there. Class sizes are bigger, not unusual to have 32 per class, we're having to ration photocopying, doing demos of experiments in science as we can't afford enough chemicals for a class set, sports equipment is old etc. Barely do educational visits as transport is so expensive. Student aspirations are low although we do lots and lots of careers and character and culture work. Now we are in a very deprived area but I would take the money and put DD in to private school if I could.

Snobbishness comes from parenting, not schooling

This. Op I don’t think you should take up your in-laws’ offer to pay for school fees as if they go to private schools you’ll be constantly telling your dc how awful private education is and how ghastly and snobbish the other pupils are..

They’ve basically bought us a house and they’ll effectively be raising our children. Beginning to feel like I’ve married well rather than done well for myself.

Sounds more like you are the rent a womb brought in to give birth to the grand children

Seriously, with the amount of economic flux that lies ahead of recovering from COVID–19, seeing if there are further developments with that, the uncertainty about everyone's future, I'd accept the money to guarantee education. (This is all setting ongoing geopolitical tensions to one side.)

The GPs may well regard it as a way of handling inheritance tax and a different form of trust.

I’d always send my kids to private school if I had the chance and somehow managed to do that for my youngest (Aspie) child even though I’m a single parent. It was primarily for the pastoral care but academically it was far better than his state primary and he much preferred this. At small independent schools the kids stay in the same group throughout which is really nice for them and they teach really good manners and if you choose the right school, they teach good values. There are certain schools instil a sense of superiority in the children but you don’t have to choose one of those.

Another wonderful benefit is that they treat the parents with respect. Many parents have awful trouble at state schools if their children are neurodiverse or have any problems. I was treated terribly and was actually amazed that the teachers at the private school actually listened, answered emails and took me seriously.

However, independent schools vary significantly. The school I chose did have some kids from very wealthy families but a lot of the children were there because they needed to be in a small school and the parents were sacrificing a lot to send them. It wasn’t at all snobby.

Oh it cost about 12k a year…not in London but in a wealthy smaller city.

This is all very sad. Having thought about it a bit more, the one thing that stands out in the original post, is that the OP has planned the next 5 or 10 years to within an inch of its life, with talk of houses, schools, childcare, short maternity leave etc etc...

That's all well and good, but please be mindful. Real life doesn't always turn out as expected.

Why aren't you married ? That is far more important before children come into the mix.

@RosesAndHellebores

I wouldn’t be offering £350k deposits and private school fees to a DIL who was of the opinion that my DS's upbringing had made him (and DD) and his contemporaries snobby tbh.

And who also expected me to provide free childcare as well.