to refuse subsidised private school fees

[itsbritneybitch92]

My SO and I are turning 30 and are finally planning a family (as we’ve been together since we were 18!). We are not quite on the same page about state vs private education.

We are both in a well respected profession with competitive university entry requirements, 5-6 years of university study and a decade of further training and postgraduate exams. So we have both achieved very well in life. Our household income is high (we earn the same) but nowhere near enough to afford two children in private school alongside other necessities. We are in London.

I grew up in London a single parent family in a 1 bedroom council flat. My mum was a nurse and worked 6-7 days a week, even through school holidays until I was 18. I went to state schools.

My SO grew up in the largest detached house in the surrey hills that I have ever set foot in with a parent who is the CEO of a major finance company. You can imagine the rest from here.

As I grew up relatively “poor”, I like to work for things myself. I’m not a fan of handouts. If I want something, I save hard for however long, I see how I can make it fit into my budget. If my SO wants something, his parents will offer it to him. And why shouldn’t they? They’ve worked so hard to provide for their son. My SO never asks for anything though.

His parents recently helped us with a £350k deposit on a £950k house. I added £25k into this which was my entire life savings since I was born. I felt so uneasy with this at first but honestly his parents are amazing, they treat me like their daughter and I was grateful for this massive jump onto the property ladder for our future family. But SO and I agreed that this would be only handout from his family.

Now, his parents are offering a lump sum to cover 50% of private school fees for two children until university. We haven’t calculated how much this is as it varies by school but from what I have googled, one term can be £30k.

SO and I aren’t sure what to do. I want to refuse, SO wants to accept for a few years. He feels that a good education is guaranteed in a private school. I feel that we can find a good state school and supplement with extracurriculars and memories e.g. holidays etc. 50% of private school fees for two children until 18 for us will still be a massive stretch. Also it’s silly to put kids in private school then suddenly switch them to state school.

I don’t like the idea of our children growing up thinking that their grandparents paid for their housing and their education and also, my mother can offer very little. It feels unbalanced. I also really don’t want snobby kids.

I grew up from a poor background and did well. If I had well off grandparents and they wanted to treat their grandkids by paying 50% of school fees I would be happy. Grandparents often want to help their grandkids. At least they know how their money is being spent as when they die they won’t!

@Briony123

So you'd prefer to use tax payers' money to educate your children reducing the amount available to those who have no option?

Including the op who I imagine is a higher rate tax payer anyway?

I see somebody else has answered this. I do wish folk wouldn't use these obscure terms.

The post made me howl

You are already living an unaffordable otherwise life-style due to them (fur coat and no knickers to want a £950k house with a £25k deposit)

Yes you are worrying about unborn children

That boat sailed a long time ago. You have made your bed of being adults whose lifestyle is funded by parents when you bought an unaffordable . You could have bought a cheaper house- you didnt- your choice.

Now you have to live with it. They are discussing unborn children and making a financial offer- sounds like they own you already to me.

Which school is £30k per term?

Had to send my daughter to an Independent school because she was being violently attacked. The difference is her state school has a resident Police Officer. Her Private school has a resident tennis coach. That's all you need to know.

It's quite common in many families for GPs to pay for GCs education. This is an amazing opportunity for your children I think you'd be crazy to let your pride get in the way of this.

Maybe Google inverse snobbery 🤷🏻‍♀️

£30k for one term - blimey OP however bright and successful in your career you are, your google skills leave a lot to be desired! Eton is half that and it's probably the most prestigious boarding school in the UK!

A London day school would set you back maybe £20k a year. Less for prep.

But as you don't actually have kids yet there's no rush to decide is there.

@NoSquirrels

You’re not married - is that right?

What is the immediate plan for childcare & work before you get to thinking about schools?

Is the house owned jointly in equal shares?

We are married. Childcare will be provided by his parents 2 days a week as I will work 3 days a week. Maternity leave will be as short as possible. The house is owned jointly now that we are married (recently).

The children aren't even here yet, so don't cause a rift by declining the money before they are even born.

I would personally decline the money for primary school and revisit the subject in ten years when you have a sense of a) what the state secondaries are like in your area and b) who your children are in terms of strengths and abilities.

You would need to be very clear about what level of involvement the grandparents expect in return for their investment. Do they expect to be involved in the selection of school? Do they expect copies of report cards, or to attend parents' evenings? You will need to establish these expectations early to protect your children from the money later being held over them: 'Granny and Grandpa pay all this money and you haven't finished your homework / done your violin practice / made the first XV' etc etc.

Finally it may be that you accept the money but in some other form. It could go into trust to give them both the beginnings of a deposit, or enable them to study internationally.

For most people £350k is more than the total cost of their house not a deposit. If you're happy taking that I don't see any moral high ground in not having GP's pay school fees.
30k a term is not the cost of any private school I can find either - Westminster school 14k, Eton 15k a term, Marlborough College 13k a term, Harrow 14k - where are you looking that's 30k a term?? Do you mean 30k a year?
It depends what schools you have around you, what are you in catchment for - do you even know? Having taught across London as a supply teacher there are schools I wouldn't want my kids anywhere near and others that are really lovely. If you have a good local primary I'd send them there and then see what happens when they get to Secondary age.

Childcare will be provided by his parents 2 days a week

Don't be beholden to this. It is a nice idea but it does not always work in practice.

Would you prefer the money to be spent on your children's education or for the taxman to grab it in IHT (assuming that they live long enough or that the potential liability is insured against)?

A lot of good follow up questions about the money and any potential caveats.

I generally think private education is overrated. A child can attend a decent state school and then attend private tuition as needed. Snobby kids grow up around other snobby kids and such behaviour can be learned in school. Many of my partner’s friends are rich and very snobby (but still nice people, though he wouldn’t be friends with them otherwise).

I think it’s fair to think about now. We have always planned everything well in advance to make sure that we are on the same page. I could fall pregnant next month or next year so why not discuss it now?

Unless you're paying his parents for the childcare then that is also a "handout".

But you are a fan of handouts. £350k and childcare. And as others have asked. Which schools are £30k per term?

Wait until you actually have the kids? Then you can decide based on their needs.

Okay okay not £30k. I’ve probably massively inflated the cost per term in my head as I’m so put off by the idea of paying thousands on something that can be provided for free 😂

TBF to OP with everyone questioning her Google skills, she does mention private school fees for 2dc. So I assume she's doubled the fees she found to make that figure.

OP a very good friend of mine went to private school, fully funded by his Grandmother. He said it was the best thing she did for him, despite him being bullied for years. Academically I actually did better than him, despite my state school education. But socially and in every other way possible he was miles ahead of me.
Of course that's only anecdotal and natural ability has to be accounted for.

If it was me, I'd carefully consider their offer.

@idiotfacelicker

Unless you're paying his parents for the childcare then that is also a "handout".

This one is on my partner, not me. I’d be happy for them to go to nursery.

Oh cross post. Maybe OP just can't Google then

I would not accept because it gives them too much control over how you bring up your future children and which school you choose - no matter how nice they are they have you over a barrel. No matter what they promise to contribute they could back out if you fall out or their circumstances change leaving you with children in exam years or close to them.

Additionally there's always the possibility of an unplanned 3rd child - even a singleton then planned dc3 being twins! Potential for a Cinderella story with dc3 there 🤣

If you don't think private schools are value for money then don't use them but stop presenting this as some kind of moral stance against handouts.

You sound a bit chippy about you and your husbands differing backgrounds, if I'm totally honest.

Does the child’s personality, qualities and skills not come into account?
You’re planning your entire life, including those of unborn/not yet conceived children before you’ve even begun?! Just seems a bit bonkers.

Some children thrive in a private school environment and some do not - perhaps have the children first and see for yourself? You could have children who would be best placed in single sex state/mixed sex state/forest school/Steiner school/private school/boarding school, you really don’t know until they’re here - if you have children at all.

You could find that your children or life itself turns out very differently to what you think or imagine now. Just wait and see when the time comes!