to refuse subsidised private school fees

[itsbritneybitch92]

My SO and I are turning 30 and are finally planning a family (as we’ve been together since we were 18!). We are not quite on the same page about state vs private education.

We are both in a well respected profession with competitive university entry requirements, 5-6 years of university study and a decade of further training and postgraduate exams. So we have both achieved very well in life. Our household income is high (we earn the same) but nowhere near enough to afford two children in private school alongside other necessities. We are in London.

I grew up in London a single parent family in a 1 bedroom council flat. My mum was a nurse and worked 6-7 days a week, even through school holidays until I was 18. I went to state schools.

My SO grew up in the largest detached house in the surrey hills that I have ever set foot in with a parent who is the CEO of a major finance company. You can imagine the rest from here.

As I grew up relatively “poor”, I like to work for things myself. I’m not a fan of handouts. If I want something, I save hard for however long, I see how I can make it fit into my budget. If my SO wants something, his parents will offer it to him. And why shouldn’t they? They’ve worked so hard to provide for their son. My SO never asks for anything though.

His parents recently helped us with a £350k deposit on a £950k house. I added £25k into this which was my entire life savings since I was born. I felt so uneasy with this at first but honestly his parents are amazing, they treat me like their daughter and I was grateful for this massive jump onto the property ladder for our future family. But SO and I agreed that this would be only handout from his family.

Now, his parents are offering a lump sum to cover 50% of private school fees for two children until university. We haven’t calculated how much this is as it varies by school but from what I have googled, one term can be £30k.

SO and I aren’t sure what to do. I want to refuse, SO wants to accept for a few years. He feels that a good education is guaranteed in a private school. I feel that we can find a good state school and supplement with extracurriculars and memories e.g. holidays etc. 50% of private school fees for two children until 18 for us will still be a massive stretch. Also it’s silly to put kids in private school then suddenly switch them to state school.

I don’t like the idea of our children growing up thinking that their grandparents paid for their housing and their education and also, my mother can offer very little. It feels unbalanced. I also really don’t want snobby kids.

Not read the full thread but I'm in a similar situation.

I wasn't that fussed about private education but when my in laws heard us say we'd not afford private they gave DH his inheritance early so we could do private secondary.

It was very kind of them. They agree with us a bit that private primary is a waste but we've agreed to go private for secondary. Where we are in London the state secondary options are lacking a bit.

Take it, it's very kind of them.

Oh and I saw about using them for free child care and you taking as short a maternity leave as possible. Take as long maternity leave as you can. No one ever thanks you for going back early, you'll not get that time back either. Enjoy it and know you earned it. My MiL used to have my eldest 2 days a week and he was in nursery 3 days when I worked full time. This was fine but we weren't going to ask her to do the same for number too. That is just too much to ask them. I didn't go back to work after number 2 but I will when she starts school.

I understand the urge to plan everything out as I’m a bit of a planner too but I do think you should keep your options open. If the state school near you ends up being dire at the time you want to send your DCs or they have some particular needs that would be better served by independent school you might be glad for it being a possibility. Or equally at the time a state school may be the best option for your DC and that will depend on the schools available and your children’s personalities. Plus your feelings can change a lot when you have children and you rethink the decisions you made before. Short maternity leave might be one of those unless you have no other option and possibly having your pil provide so much childcare.

We have just enrolled our 2 year old DS in a private prep school when the time comes. I initially thought there wasn’t much point in private at primary level but there are opportunities at prep schools which don’t tend to exist in the state sector - in our case specialist teaching for two languages and science and computer science , teaching all children to read music and specific instruments, much more time dedicated to sport and better facilities, forest school, class sizes of 15 etc, more time for individualised projects etc. Those things may not be particularly important to all parents but they are to us. I’ve no doubt that the very nice local state primary would teach DS what he needs to know to go to secondary and that he would most likely be happy there but with the best will in the world it couldn’t provide the same opportunities.

Plus a huge concern for us is wrap around care. At the prep school around half of children stay until 6 each day and there are lots of clubs etc plus a full time holiday club. Our jobs likely wouldn’t be feasible without a nanny at state school and a nanny would cost almost as much as the school fees. The prep school near us is extremely good though so that made the choice fairly easy. If it seems like the school won’t suit DS once he’s old enough we will rethink.

That’s just examples of things which might influence your decision.

As lots of other posters have pointed out, the 'not liking handouts' ship has well and truly sailed, and quite frankly not true.

Discuss with your parents in law the details, such as the level of input/control they'd expect then make your decision.

I'd scrap any notion of principles though OP; you're happy to take handouts if it suits you and gets you a big fancy house, so why not if it'll benefit your children.

I'm also assuming you wouldn't refuse any inheritance coning your way either, when the time comes??

You will feel differently when you have kids. Morals about state schools etc often go out the window when you're talking about your own 🤷‍♀️
I would accept the money and use it for high school. Even if your DC aren't academics there are non selective private schools which can be a nurturing environment.
If you have a 950k house you probably live near some decent state primaries. I'm not in your financial position but my kids are at a lovely state primary - there's no way I'd pay at this stage.

@User112

High achiever, just 25k in savings, and having to save for at least 6 years to save for a violin or violin lessons. It doesn’t all add up!

Entry level Gliga violin costs around £200. Stentor (student violin) is about £100. Unless you are thinking of antique stradi (do they do it in 1/8th size? )

A full size Stentor conservatoire costs around £400, a full size Gliga gama under £1000.

Violin lessons £40 an hour - weekly one lesson.

Either you are not a high achiever as you believe, or you are very poor at managing your money (or you spend everything because you have a good catch). Whatever, it doesn’t add up OP.

You can even rent the things for a few quid a month

My children were at private school and I would say half their friends' fees were paid by grandparents their's included.

They are now adults and have degrees I doubt they would have obtained in a state school as they were lazy and needed close attention/pushing.
Not once has either of them mentioned their grandparents paying for the fees, they were just grateful to them for giving them the opportunity.

I genuinely admire your values and am sure your inlaws appreciate them too, but when you have kids it's like a switched is flicked and you just want the best for them. If you have an amazing state school and that's the best- fine. If not I think you might change your mind.

I would and did say no, state school for my kids

I have no idea why accepting a huge sum of money for a house is ok but money for private education is a no. I came from working class poor stock i should say, flat with outside toilet. Father who left us, i hated being poor and i worked hard, left the area i grew up and now living in a sought after area of london. My DC have all gone private from a primary state. Its a huge difference from my experience of state, i wanted my DC to have a different experience from me. I can afford it so i have chosen that option. The reason for lack of social mobility is this notion that your a traitor to your upbringing, its snobby, why would you pay or try to be like some posh 'tory', your DC need to experience real life and all this nonsense, we have kids at my sons school who has a full bursary and lives in an estate in peckham. There are many DC offered that opportunity at our local private schools. Why shouldnt kids be given a different future. I know families from poor areas who work hard to support there kIds to go to grammar or apply for bursarires to private. Why would you throw that opportunity back?

But as the OP has actually admitted that her MIL will "effectively be raising [these hypothetical as of yet] children for [her/her husband]"... why on earth is she having any in the first place?!

Is she rent-a-womb so that MIL - having chucked thousands of pounds at her son and DIL to get on the property ladder - can have a crack at raising a child/children from possibly the newborn stage, herself? Because if the husband came from money, chances are he wasn't raised by his own parents, but by nannies/au pairs/possibly even his own grandmother!

My ex came from a wealthy background, and he and his siblings were raised by their mother's grandparents. When I got pregnant (I also come from a working-class background and prefer to do things for myself, by myself), the expectation was that ex-MIL would have the children (who both went to state schools and did exceptionally well there, because they worked hard!) and "look after them every day for us". Nope. I went to uni with the oldest, having worked in my chosen profession for 3 years prior already - oldest (now 26, I was 20 when I had her) was enrolled in the expensive nursery on campus... which I paid for. Saw her grandparents for a few hours every other week or so, because ex-MIL threw a tantrum when I said that as I'd chosen to have my daughter, then it would be me who raised her. The same scenario with my youngest (now 17) - ex-MIL threw another tantrum because I was able to stay at home with him until he was 2 when I enrolled him in our village nursery so that he'd have a continuous flow of peers/familiarity throughout his primary years. I then went back to work FT, but arranged my schedule (freelancer) so that it was me doing the drop-offs and pick-ups. Ex wasn't thrilled about his Mummy not getting her own way - but as she wasn't the one consenting to have her body taken over for 40 weeks... tough!

His (passive but lovely) new wife gave in when her children were born, and barely has any relationship with them (13 and 11) - they run to Gran, instead... and she smugly dines out on this! It's worrying. The new wife actually asked me when her oldest was 2 or 3 how I'd stopped ex-MIL from interfering all the time, but sadly didn't take my advice of "you just say no; they're my kids, not yours!"

But as the OP has actually admitted that her MIL will "effectively be raising [these hypothetical as of yet] children for [her/her husband]"... why on earth is she having any in the first place?!
Tbf I think op was being a little hyperbolic

Actually, OP, I did think about this before having children, and I had a long-term plan to ensure that I could get them through private school from 4-18 (without help from anyone, as there wasn't anyone who was willing or able - if there had been, I'd have been ridiculously happy to accept). Finally on the home stretch now. So it's not entirely silly to think about it now. However, it is probably silly to discount the offer at the outset. You'd probably be better off saying thank you, and then waiting to see what happens (and if you become pregnant).

I don’t think private primary is a waste at all, it’s where you learn the foundation of your subjects and your study skills. If had to choose I’d do private primary followed by state grammar.

You can't know what is best for your children until they actually exist.

What if you can't ttc?

What if you have a child with significant additional needs?

Don't need to make any decisions now until life actually happens

I'm guessing they are looking to set up an educational trust as it's a lump sum. Will there be conditions eg boarding, certain schools?

Fees vary but day schools are not £30k a term, more like £15-25k a year for secondary.

What happens if you have more kids, a child with additional needs - if it is a trust make sure the terms are broad enough to fund what you child needs if circumstances are different

About lives that hav absolutely zero in common with the reality of her own life.
It’s sad when you think about it

I'm not sure you should be worrying atm for the school your child/children are going to attend to. Like a pp has said that you may need that kind of money for fertility treatments or whatever.

I also believe it's amazing that the parents want to be close to the couple and your future children

I'd like to know why you think children who go to independent school are "snobby"?

Yabu I’m afraid. It isn’t a handout it’s a gift to your dc and it would be wrong of you to deprive them of an opportunity because of your own insecurities

That a bit unfair as the grandparents are only offering half the cost - so OP and her husband have to commit to provide the other half - it’s their money to spend as they wish.

I don’t know why anyone would agree to spend their money on something they don’t agree with just because a rich relative is stumping up half.

@BluebellsGreenbells

Yabu I’m afraid. It isn’t a handout it’s a gift to your dc and it would be wrong of you to deprive them of an opportunity because of your own insecurities

That a bit unfair as the grandparents are only offering half the cost - so OP and her husband have to commit to provide the other half - it’s their money to spend as they wish.

I don’t know why anyone would agree to spend their money on something they don’t agree with just because a rich relative is stumping up half.

Exactly. It's a gift with significant strings attached. Also, the decision on where to send a child to school is ultimately the parents' responsibility, notwithstanding any generous offers of funding from grandparents. If the parents weigh up the options and conclude that their kids will be better off in a state school - for whatever reason - then that is a valid decision for them to make.

Look upon it as getting your DP's inheritance early - a form of tax planning if you like. Personally, coming from a South London background similar to yours OP, I think you would be insane to turn this down.

@scatterolight

Funny how people who think private schooling is overated have always ALWAYS gone to a state school. That mode of thinking is just a way of absolving your parents for not being able to send you. I went to both state and private schools and I can assure you private is not overrated. I didn't even do the "extra curricular" stuff but the quality, ethos and peer group was a world away from my state experience. Why you would deny this to your kids I have no idea.

why would I need to absolve my parents of anything? Most children go to state school. I had no desire to go to a private school, and am glad I didn’t because I suspect I would have grown up feeling guilty.

* glad I didn’t because I suspect I would have grown up feeling guilty.*

Nah! You wouldn’t. If you were sporty you would have revelled in the incredible sports facilities

Academic - you would have relished the competition, the rigour, the small classes.

If you loved music, you would have adored the performing, the lunch orchestras, the trips to opera, ballet, musical theatre.

I could go on.

But highly highly unlikely you would have felt “guilty”

I went private and certainly never felt guilty

I now send my children private and I do feel guilt because I now have experience of the state school (moved them) and whilst it really was an outstanding school - I realise how utterly inferior it is to their current prep school sadly.

@scatterolight

Funny how people who think private schooling is overated have always ALWAYS gone to a state school. That mode of thinking is just a way of absolving your parents for not being able to send you. I went to both state and private schools and I can assure you private is not overrated. I didn't even do the "extra curricular" stuff but the quality, ethos and peer group was a world away from my state experience. Why you would deny this to your kids I have no idea.

Lol, why would I need to absolve my parents of anything? What do you actually think I lost out on as a result of not going to a private school?

From where I see it, I genuinely don't feel that I was denied anything. I excelled in all of my exams, I enjoyed any number of enriching and interesting extracurricular experiences and I ended up at the same university as lots of people who were privately educated at the most prestigious schools. I have also done equally well in my career.

My privately educated peers at Cambridge were certainly not better educated than me, nor were they more well rounded. They have not been more "successful" than me in their careers, and they certainly aren't any happier - in fact, if anything, I would say on average that they have worse mental health than I do but that might be a matter of coincidence. So what do you think they gained that I didn't?

The one thing that I will acknowledge is that, when we were younger, my privately educated peers presented with a greater veneer of confidence than I did. They were able to fake it much more effectively than I could. However, I quickly realised that it was very superficial, and that beneath the veneer, they had no more confidence than I had - quite the contrary, actually, I found that many of them were deeply insecure. Personally, I don't place much value at all on that outer veneer of confidence if there is no substance behind it, but I have made sure that my state educated dd has had opportunities to develop both her inner and her outer confidence so that she is able to hold her own in any group.

So I am yet to be convinced that I lost out as a result of going to a state school, and I have nothing for which to absolve or blame my parents. I could have sent dd private quite comfortably had we chosen to do so, but I couldn't see the point. And to date, I have no regrets about that in the slightest.