to refuse subsidised private school fees

[itsbritneybitch92]

My SO and I are turning 30 and are finally planning a family (as we’ve been together since we were 18!). We are not quite on the same page about state vs private education.

We are both in a well respected profession with competitive university entry requirements, 5-6 years of university study and a decade of further training and postgraduate exams. So we have both achieved very well in life. Our household income is high (we earn the same) but nowhere near enough to afford two children in private school alongside other necessities. We are in London.

I grew up in London a single parent family in a 1 bedroom council flat. My mum was a nurse and worked 6-7 days a week, even through school holidays until I was 18. I went to state schools.

My SO grew up in the largest detached house in the surrey hills that I have ever set foot in with a parent who is the CEO of a major finance company. You can imagine the rest from here.

As I grew up relatively “poor”, I like to work for things myself. I’m not a fan of handouts. If I want something, I save hard for however long, I see how I can make it fit into my budget. If my SO wants something, his parents will offer it to him. And why shouldn’t they? They’ve worked so hard to provide for their son. My SO never asks for anything though.

His parents recently helped us with a £350k deposit on a £950k house. I added £25k into this which was my entire life savings since I was born. I felt so uneasy with this at first but honestly his parents are amazing, they treat me like their daughter and I was grateful for this massive jump onto the property ladder for our future family. But SO and I agreed that this would be only handout from his family.

Now, his parents are offering a lump sum to cover 50% of private school fees for two children until university. We haven’t calculated how much this is as it varies by school but from what I have googled, one term can be £30k.

SO and I aren’t sure what to do. I want to refuse, SO wants to accept for a few years. He feels that a good education is guaranteed in a private school. I feel that we can find a good state school and supplement with extracurriculars and memories e.g. holidays etc. 50% of private school fees for two children until 18 for us will still be a massive stretch. Also it’s silly to put kids in private school then suddenly switch them to state school.

I don’t like the idea of our children growing up thinking that their grandparents paid for their housing and their education and also, my mother can offer very little. It feels unbalanced. I also really don’t want snobby kids.

Oh, and fwiw, the idea that a privately educated peer group is somehow superior and therefore worth paying for is deeply offensive and exactly the kind of thinking that some of us actively want to avoid. That is why parents who choose to educate privately are accused of snobbery. I would be utterly ashamed of my dd growing up with that attitude.

My privately educated friends at university were no better than my state educated friends at school. They were just ordinary, flawed kids like anyone else.

My husband and I are state educated and wouldn’t think twice about educating our son privately.

I don’t think private education automatically means snobbish children either. Many of my lovely friends from uni were independently educated.

It’s how they were raised that counts. Also important to help them realise that many, many people are worse off than they are, which I imagine might be tricky.

Were I your PIL though, I’d never make this offer until at least one child was born! Superstitious, I know, but I’d see it as tempting fate. You could have fertility issues or something like that (tho recognise the change is smaller given you are in your late 20s).

Agree also that £350K towards a house is a heck of a wedge!!!!

“ My SO never asks for anything though.

His parents recently helped us with a £350k deposit on a £950k house”

Lol

@thanktor

* glad I didn’t because I suspect I would have grown up feeling guilty.*

Nah! You wouldn’t. If you were sporty you would have revelled in the incredible sports facilities

Academic - you would have relished the competition, the rigour, the small classes.

If you loved music, you would have adored the performing, the lunch orchestras, the trips to opera, ballet, musical theatre.

I could go on.

But highly highly unlikely you would have felt “guilty”

It’s an individual thing though, isn’t it? I’m of the kind of political persuasion that would feel guilty (albeit vainly, and I’m not saying that children who go to private school should feel guilty). Possibly it’s a need to feel that I am doing well because I have put the effort in, not worry that it’s because I went to an expensive school. This isn’t necessary a rational thought process, I know!

I was happy at state school. Maybe I’d have loved private school, but I don’t feel any ‘lack’ for not having gone to one.

I am one of the only people at my daughter’s school who pays for fees. It’s mainly grandparents and they even have a grandparents’ day! If you’re against private school, that’s one thing, but remember your in laws need to spend some of their money or there will be a big inheritance tax bill.

@thanktor

* glad I didn’t because I suspect I would have grown up feeling guilty.*

Nah! You wouldn’t. If you were sporty you would have revelled in the incredible sports facilities

Academic - you would have relished the competition, the rigour, the small classes.

If you loved music, you would have adored the performing, the lunch orchestras, the trips to opera, ballet, musical theatre.

I could go on.

But highly highly unlikely you would have felt “guilty”

If you had certain special needs, you would have loved the experience of being discreetly managed out of multiple schools by earnest teachers doing a head-tilt and suggesting that another school might be a ‘better fit’.

Are your future children musical, OP? Can get reductions on fees if they are choristers at a Cathedral school.

@scatterolight

Funny how people who think private schooling is overated have always ALWAYS gone to a state school. That mode of thinking is just a way of absolving your parents for not being able to send you. I went to both state and private schools and I can assure you private is not overrated. I didn't even do the "extra curricular" stuff but the quality, ethos and peer group was a world away from my state experience. Why you would deny this to your kids I have no idea.

I think after spending thousands on a private education for my child I’d hope they could manage an argument a little more convincing than ‘their just jealous hunni ignore the haterz’, even with a thesaurus.

I think after spending thousands on a private education for my child I’d hope they could manage an argument a little more convincing than ‘their just jealous hunni ignore the haterz’, even with a thesaurus.

@icedancerlenny

I am one of the only people at my daughter’s school who pays for fees. It’s mainly grandparents and they even have a grandparents’ day! If you’re against private school, that’s one thing, but remember your in laws need to spend some of their money or there will be a big inheritance tax bill.

How heck do you even know that?

Parents and I at my childrens private school never talk about who’s funding it. Let alone me knowing so many that I could say in an “one of the only”!