to refuse subsidised private school fees

[itsbritneybitch92]

My SO and I are turning 30 and are finally planning a family (as we’ve been together since we were 18!). We are not quite on the same page about state vs private education.

We are both in a well respected profession with competitive university entry requirements, 5-6 years of university study and a decade of further training and postgraduate exams. So we have both achieved very well in life. Our household income is high (we earn the same) but nowhere near enough to afford two children in private school alongside other necessities. We are in London.

I grew up in London a single parent family in a 1 bedroom council flat. My mum was a nurse and worked 6-7 days a week, even through school holidays until I was 18. I went to state schools.

My SO grew up in the largest detached house in the surrey hills that I have ever set foot in with a parent who is the CEO of a major finance company. You can imagine the rest from here.

As I grew up relatively “poor”, I like to work for things myself. I’m not a fan of handouts. If I want something, I save hard for however long, I see how I can make it fit into my budget. If my SO wants something, his parents will offer it to him. And why shouldn’t they? They’ve worked so hard to provide for their son. My SO never asks for anything though.

His parents recently helped us with a £350k deposit on a £950k house. I added £25k into this which was my entire life savings since I was born. I felt so uneasy with this at first but honestly his parents are amazing, they treat me like their daughter and I was grateful for this massive jump onto the property ladder for our future family. But SO and I agreed that this would be only handout from his family.

Now, his parents are offering a lump sum to cover 50% of private school fees for two children until university. We haven’t calculated how much this is as it varies by school but from what I have googled, one term can be £30k.

SO and I aren’t sure what to do. I want to refuse, SO wants to accept for a few years. He feels that a good education is guaranteed in a private school. I feel that we can find a good state school and supplement with extracurriculars and memories e.g. holidays etc. 50% of private school fees for two children until 18 for us will still be a massive stretch. Also it’s silly to put kids in private school then suddenly switch them to state school.

I don’t like the idea of our children growing up thinking that their grandparents paid for their housing and their education and also, my mother can offer very little. It feels unbalanced. I also really don’t want snobby kids.

@itsbritneybitch92

My SO and I are turning 30 and are finally planning a family (as we’ve been together since we were 18!). We are not quite on the same page about state vs private education.

We are both in a well respected profession with competitive university entry requirements, 5-6 years of university study and a decade of further training and postgraduate exams. So we have both achieved very well in life. Our household income is high (we earn the same) but nowhere near enough to afford two children in private school alongside other necessities. We are in London.

I grew up in London a single parent family in a 1 bedroom council flat. My mum was a nurse and worked 6-7 days a week, even through school holidays until I was 18. I went to state schools.

My SO grew up in the largest detached house in the surrey hills that I have ever set foot in with a parent who is the CEO of a major finance company. You can imagine the rest from here.

As I grew up relatively “poor”, I like to work for things myself. I’m not a fan of handouts. If I want something, I save hard for however long, I see how I can make it fit into my budget. If my SO wants something, his parents will offer it to him. And why shouldn’t they? They’ve worked so hard to provide for their son. My SO never asks for anything though.

His parents recently helped us with a £350k deposit on a £950k house. I added £25k into this which was my entire life savings since I was born. I felt so uneasy with this at first but honestly his parents are amazing, they treat me like their daughter and I was grateful for this massive jump onto the property ladder for our future family. But SO and I agreed that this would be only handout from his family.

Now, his parents are offering a lump sum to cover 50% of private school fees for two children until university. We haven’t calculated how much this is as it varies by school but from what I have googled, one term can be £30k.

SO and I aren’t sure what to do. I want to refuse, SO wants to accept for a few years. He feels that a good education is guaranteed in a private school. I feel that we can find a good state school and supplement with extracurriculars and memories e.g. holidays etc. 50% of private school fees for two children until 18 for us will still be a massive stretch. Also it’s silly to put kids in private school then suddenly switch them to state school.

I don’t like the idea of our children growing up thinking that their grandparents paid for their housing and their education and also, my mother can offer very little. It feels unbalanced. I also really don’t want snobby kids.

Personally if it was me , I'd say if they want to help with the fees, then I would accept, after all, I want the best for any children I had, and if the best is private school then topped up with extra curricular activities, then that's how I would hope to achieve.

What does SO mean in this context?

So you'd prefer to use tax payers' money to educate your children reducing the amount available to those who have no option?

If it comes with no strings attached (eg has to be this school etc, have to see them this number of times etc) then I wouldn't. However, you have already accepted a large amount and do not say strings were attached etc so I think yabu. If you think the state school in the area you have bought in is good then send them there, but don't deny them what is a potentially great opportunity (obviously there are good as well as bad private schools) because you feel guilty about accepting some money that was offered for housing. I know people who went to private schools and those who went to state and haven't particularly found one set to be "snobbier" than the other. Surely it is a lot of how the parents raised their children? If it is a private school where people have scrimpt and saved their children may not come across as particularly materialistic.

You took £350k for you. I think the handout ship has sailed.

I was sympathetic to your wish to live independently and without handouts until you mentioned that you accepted £350k deposit!

This seems to be more about your prejudice against private schools.

However, given your DC aren’t even conceived yet it might be better to leave this discussion until after they’re born. Reassess then having viewed both the state and private options.

At todays costs you are looking at minimum 200k per child in SE, plus inflation and annual increases, for next 20 or so years(by the time child arrives and is school age). Is private schooling something you have discussed? If you work nursery fees may be as much and you might prefer the help then. However gp paying fees is not that unusual and is used as a way of avoiding future iht.

I admire your independence but I’d do what’s in your children’s future best interests, which very likely is to send them to private school.

Our parent’s generation had it MUCH easier in terms of affording houses and private schools, and unless you are in about the top 0.2% of earners it’s almost impossible to afford a nice house in London plus private school fees without grandparents helping out.

I also understand you saying you don’t want spoilt children. Sounds to me like a good solution would be to go state during primary school then private - then they get some time living in the “normal” world, which I also agree is important.

Don’t cut off your nose to spite your face.

You haven’t got kids yet so it’s early days for this discussion- I’d say thank you for now and kick the can down the road.

However I don’t understand the obsession with private schools. I went to one, my sibling did not. They definitely had the better school experience and we ended up in the same secondary. They got a phd I didn’t even get a degree.

A bigger concern for me would you be able to afford fees if pil stopped giving money for it?

@CiderWithLizzie

What does SO mean in this context?

Significant Other. 🤮

We chose to live near outstanding primary schools for primary, my son cracked every admission test he sat at 11+ including Sevenoaks. We were keen on Sevenoaks, but he chose Judd and is thriving there.
Visit the schools and make a choice when time comes.

Why would you accept a £350k deposit contribution but not ££££ for their grandkids education?

Are you planning to turn down all the inheritance too?

Maybe start by having a child first and then see how that goes.
Life has a funny way of smacking you in the face when you start confidently imagining how things are going to be.
I think someone wrote a song about that once.
Getting married would be a good idea though.

My view is that you can either have their money while they are still alive, or after they die. If you take it after they die, you'll have to pay tax on it.

My DF held this view, although the money in question was nowhere near the amounts you're talking about. He wanted to see the money being used and enjoyed. He didn't need it, he preferred to put it to good use.

Of course I would accept, if there were no strings attached and we’d hammered out the details, and I could afford the other half of the fees. I want as comfortable and pleasant a life for my children as I can manage to provide. For my part, I wouldn’t hesitate to give this money to my own children for their kids. What’s the point of them having all that money if their own needs and wants are met? What did they work for?

I can’t figure out why you’re quibbling over this when you’ve already had 350k of help from them.

I’m from a similar background to you (although my Mum was on benefits) and my OH is from a better off background (although absolutely nowhere near yours!). So I get the discomfort you feel. However, if you want your kids to go to private school abs your in-laws are offering, why not say yes? I’ve always found the handwringing about accepting money and fretting about sending your kids to private school absolutely bonkers. Accept your privilege and go with it.

You’re thinking is right but I think you will have time to discuss it with your in laws once the child is here.

I knew a couple who bought a house with but of land near the most prestigious school in the area, turns out the child got SEN.

Wow. You really couldn't have got on the ladder without a £350k handout ?
Your high horse about schools goes out of the window a bit really.
Maybe wait til the children are even conceived?

I totally understand not wanting help from others and wanting to do things on one's own. However you decided not to when you accepted this (huge) deposit. It's nothing to be ashamed of but I don't think your logic stands anymore.

@WouldIBeATwat

Why not just say you’re both doctors? 🤷🏻‍♀️

Why should she?

There are a few things which don’t really come up until you have a child. One is (for happy families) the fierce drive to do whatever it takes for your children. Your partners family feel this for their son as well.

Secondly, I have personal experience of private, state and fantastic state education - If you can give your child the opportunities that come from private school - don’t put a principal above their opportunities. It is all the other things in private schools - beautiful grounds, sporting teams, artistic opportunities and access to technology that trumps even the best of state education.

Why not move somewhere with excellent state school, if you perceive that London schools are somehow lacking? You’re choosing to live in a distortedly expensive part of the country despite having issues around the impact of income; like previous posters, I’d urge you to spend sometime exploring how you are clinging into the version of yourself as a product of your upbringing, rather than the you that exists in the here-and-now.

What is an SO.

You don't even have kids yet park those plans for a few years.
Separately, is your 950k house not in the catchment area of some decent schools? A good primary within a short walk and classmates as neighbours for playdates can be very valuable.

@Viviennemary

What is an SO.

Again. Significant Other. 🤮

I would table the discussion until your children are born and you are approaching school age. I grew up in a relatively high earning family but my parents are very anti private school. My school was one of the lower ranking in the country and whilst I did relatively well (from 3rd year when classes were split by ability) I didn't have an English teacher for 80% of standard grade/GCSE years due to long term sickness. I do believe that not learning how to structure things back then made it harder when it came to uni essays and I also think that would never have happened in a private school or even certain state schools.