to refuse subsidised private school fees

[itsbritneybitch92]

My SO and I are turning 30 and are finally planning a family (as we’ve been together since we were 18!). We are not quite on the same page about state vs private education.

We are both in a well respected profession with competitive university entry requirements, 5-6 years of university study and a decade of further training and postgraduate exams. So we have both achieved very well in life. Our household income is high (we earn the same) but nowhere near enough to afford two children in private school alongside other necessities. We are in London.

I grew up in London a single parent family in a 1 bedroom council flat. My mum was a nurse and worked 6-7 days a week, even through school holidays until I was 18. I went to state schools.

My SO grew up in the largest detached house in the surrey hills that I have ever set foot in with a parent who is the CEO of a major finance company. You can imagine the rest from here.

As I grew up relatively “poor”, I like to work for things myself. I’m not a fan of handouts. If I want something, I save hard for however long, I see how I can make it fit into my budget. If my SO wants something, his parents will offer it to him. And why shouldn’t they? They’ve worked so hard to provide for their son. My SO never asks for anything though.

His parents recently helped us with a £350k deposit on a £950k house. I added £25k into this which was my entire life savings since I was born. I felt so uneasy with this at first but honestly his parents are amazing, they treat me like their daughter and I was grateful for this massive jump onto the property ladder for our future family. But SO and I agreed that this would be only handout from his family.

Now, his parents are offering a lump sum to cover 50% of private school fees for two children until university. We haven’t calculated how much this is as it varies by school but from what I have googled, one term can be £30k.

SO and I aren’t sure what to do. I want to refuse, SO wants to accept for a few years. He feels that a good education is guaranteed in a private school. I feel that we can find a good state school and supplement with extracurriculars and memories e.g. holidays etc. 50% of private school fees for two children until 18 for us will still be a massive stretch. Also it’s silly to put kids in private school then suddenly switch them to state school.

I don’t like the idea of our children growing up thinking that their grandparents paid for their housing and their education and also, my mother can offer very little. It feels unbalanced. I also really don’t want snobby kids.

Certainly a good education isn't guaranteed in any setting but based on your posts, why don't you put aside the spurious subsidy argument given what you've posted and the subsidy you already accepted and then discuss with your DP when you have DC setting out your preference for state education and opposition to private education?

The sums of money spend huge but presumably are a small amount for his dp
And probably help avoid iht
When dc are born
Go visit schools and decide
And you don't know yet
Maybe you need funds for fertility treatment
Or to support a disabled child
Or a super talented musical genius

If you happy to take house deposit and why not
Then say yes to education fund
And decide later
How to use it

Only you can decide whether you're being unreasonable, OP.

It's commendable that you want to work for your money and not take handouts. But there's also nothing wrong with accepting a gift, if it's offered to you.

You don't need to decide about the lump sum yet but I would talk through every aspect of parenting with your OH, from class etc perspectives.
Stuff like
When pregnant are you going nhs or private? What about the kids if they are ill?
Who takes maternal leave, how much? Do you go back to work, and if so how many days and is it nursery as childcare? If so what sort? What happened in his childhood and which bits is he planning on replicating? How much did his parents work, was there an au pair?
Did he do lots of expensive extra curricular activities?
Do you use private tutors for kids if needs be? Are you ok with religious schools, single sex schools?
How much say would his parents have in your lives, choice of school etc?

Part of me wonders if your in laws are looking to offload lump sums to avoid inheritance tax or something like that, but I'm not very money savvy so might be wrong.

I agree starting private then moving is daft and I can't see your OH will want to make the change when the time comes.

Probably you have already discussed all this but no harm in making sure you are on the same tracks before you have kids.

@Pyewhacket

Had to send my daughter to an Independent school because she was being violently attacked. The difference is her state school has a resident Police Officer. Her Private school has a resident tennis coach. That's all you need to know.

Depends on the area? You conveniently left out the fact that you perhaps live in a shithole!

I also really don’t want snobby kids.

So raise them with your values. This is entirely separate to the issue of whether or not to accept private school fees. Are you snobby with your expensive house and huge gifted deposit? I suspect not.

Whether private school is worth it depends very much on what schools are available when you need them.

If your DH's parents want to give some money for the benefit of the children, would you feel better about a "trust fund" for a deposit on a property when they are older? I suspect there is an element of inheritance tax planning going on here.

Based on London nursery prices the childcare is probably worth around £3k a year.

Sorry OP but you are well into mission creep here. I think it was naive to assume that the deposit would be the only handout.

@BlackCoffeeInAPoolOfSunshine

I would not accept because it gives them too much control over how you bring up your future children and which school you choose - no matter how nice they are they have you over a barrel. No matter what they promise to contribute they could back out if you fall out or their circumstances change leaving you with children in exam years or close to them.

Additionally there's always the possibility of an unplanned 3rd child - even a singleton then planned dc3 being twins! Potential for a Cinderella story with dc3 there 🤣

This is how I feel but I can’t say it because it would imply that his parents are controlling when they’re actually so incredibly lovely and (too) supportive. They’ve basically bought us a house and they’ll effectively be raising our children. Beginning to feel like I’ve married well rather than done well for myself.

My view is that the nature of private school education is not something I am keen on. Separating children from others in particular.

^Beginning to feel like I’ve married well rather than done well for myself.*

It does appear that way.

Why are you not getting married before starting a family is my question?

@Shiningpath

What’s the difference between this latest handout and the earlier one?

This.

Your jumping way ahead - live in an area where there are grammar schools. I personally don’t feel it’s worth it. Save your money.

You say you're high earners so covering 50% of private school fees shouldn't be a stretch if that's the case, particularly as your mortgage is presumably only around 550k. If you're only 30, you also both have huge potential to increase your incomes and may be well earning double by the time your children start school.

I think you are conflicted - you were raised to be fiercely independent and work hard and worry your children will be given a good life on a plate without work ethic.

BUT your husband clearly does have work ethic and did well for himself even with additional help - a leg up.

You both ended up in the same place from very different starting points.

Have your children, forget about their education until nearly the time and then make considered decisions.

Check out local schools, check out independent schools, see how your finances are etc -

Maybe state with extra curricular activities, maybe private for senior school? Maybe save for university instead?

They sound like great people and you need to work on how you accept their generosity, gracefully!

You don’t need to have this discussion properly till you actually have them - at that point you ascertain what your local schooling options are. If there’s a fab state primary school use it ……if you’re a dr you may find a private school & the wrap around care provided may save you the cost of a nanny however (if you choose not to be a sahm). I also think there’s a bit of inverse snobbery going on here. And I’m not sure even Aston charge 30k per term. Think a bit longer on it…

@Shiningpath

What’s the difference between this latest handout and the earlier one?

This

Aston🙄 - Eton!!!

Snobbishness comes from parenting, not schooling.
I came from a council house and my DC have attended very well-known private schools. They have popped out the other side with their heads screwed on and with a healthy disdain for money and trappings, which they would never have had if they hadn’t seen the effects of wealth up close.
I was also fortunate enough to be able to move one of my DC instantly from one good school to another when a learning disability was identified, and to move another DC when bullying became an issue. You have no idea of the children you will get and the needs they will have.
That notwithstanding, I think the best state schools will always be s better option than the best private schools, simply because of the diversity they can offer, and also I think the best teachers might actually be in state not private. The problem is that it is a lottery and unless you are in a rock solid location you are hostage to chance.

My advice would be to accept the offer, invest the money and see how you feel when the kids arrive. If you find good state option you can give the money back. The decision here is not irrevocable, so not worth sweating over it until you get the measure of the kids you have.

@santasnothere

Why are you not getting married before starting a family is my question?

Do we live in the 50s?

You haven't even got kids yet, is that right? Whilst fundamental differences in opinion between a couple is a concern, you DO have a lot of time to try and work out a compromise perhaps.
Also, what if you can't have children, or they don't come easy, or the "short" maternity leave you talk of doesn't transpire? What if you have children with SEN?

Myself and my OH had different ideas regarding private school, snd NO WAY would I take hand outs from anyone, not that that was forthcoming.
What I would do is start saving now for the future possibility of private education. Have a pot of money ready to go. Bear in mind you likely have quite a few years to contribute to this pot, snd likely your joint income will go up a lot in this time. Prepare for secondary private school snd state primary, with a view to being open minded.

You might surprise yourself by managing to fund it easily.

If your parents want to contribute to your child ten's education, ask them to set up trust funds, snd they can use them for university or whatever once they turn 18.

This is all of course depending on whether these imaginary kids ever materialise

@seekinglondonlife

Honestly, you've accepted £350k already. That's not a 'hand out' to most people, that is a HUGE amount of money. Within that context I don't really see what the big deal is with them subsidising your dc's education.

There are still plenty of places in the UK where that would more than buy a family home outright.

The difficulty may come if in return they expect input into choice of school, decisions about education, involvement in school life etc or if the child fails to meet their expectations. A teen may well not care who is footing the bill and resent attempts to influence them. Maybe it is better to keep their money for extra curriculars, music lessons, driving lessons/car fund, uni fees.

Smile and nod, say how kind. Then get on with your lives for the next few years until you actually have birthed and raised these mythical children. Why do people get themselves into a state of things that haven’t even happened yet. You never know, at some point you could be asking your in laws for help with fertility treatment, tell them not to count their grandchildren until they are hatched.

Whatever you decide to do you need to stop with the “snobby kids” stereotype. Is your DH snobby? Will your well-off big-house-dwelling kids with loaded grandparents and nice holidays and private tuition be the posh snobby ones at their non-snobby state school?

Stop overthinking it. Have the children first and then decide what works for you and them and their needs when they are actual people with likes and talents and weaknesses that you can identify.