Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To ask for other solutions to my in laws up-sizing problem

236 replies

LoHicimosAmigos · 27/02/2022 09:07

Just wondering if there was something I hadn't thought of. My mother in law is not in a good place right now, signed off work with depression, saying that she doesn't see the point in living anymore. I'm trying to help her from a practical point of view. She also speaks to me about it as everyone else shuts any discussion of emotions down.
Lots of her depression stems from their house. She LOATHES her neighbours, hates the area and it's too small. Adult sons still live it home so that's four adults in a two bed. Parking is a nightmare. She works just round the corner but hates her job, yet she needs to work and can't drive so says it's the only job she can do. The boys fight constantly, partly because they're men in their thirties who still have to share a room.
What she thinks will solve the problem is buying a three bed house. So a room for both sons. However selling a two bed will not buy you a three bed in the same area without getting a mortgage which they don't want and at sixty plus I can see why.

The only options I can see are that she considers buying a three bed in another area, further from work and therefore finds a new job. Or she tells the sons she is giving them until this date to move out and she can buy a lovely two or one bed in the area of her choice, maybe give up work and have a better standard of life.
I think this is a much better idea. She refuses to 'kick them out' but everyone would be happier. One son has given up work altogether as he only needs money for the odd take away. The other is saving but also has a brand new car. I think they need independence, the whole house is so full of tension and depression as if this is not how any of them imagined life. They all love each other but need some space.
I'd love to know if there are any government schemes, initiatives etc to help older people buy a bigger house or help children to move out but keep a share of the capital or something similar.

OP posts:
Lemonlemon88 · 27/02/2022 09:09

Two men in their 30s sharing a room? How awful for her!

stuntbubbles · 27/02/2022 09:09

She doesn’t need a scheme or an incentive, she needs to boot out her wastrel sons.

fairylightsandwaxmelts · 27/02/2022 09:09

She doesn't need a bigger house, she needs to kick her sons out Hmm

SalsaLove · 27/02/2022 09:12

It’s not up to the government to sort out her sons taking advantage of her.

LoHicimosAmigos · 27/02/2022 09:13

I agree but it's not easy for young men, either share a room in a shared house or stay at home and save for their own place, which I imagine is what they intended to do.

OP posts:
MadeForThis · 27/02/2022 09:14

The sons need to move out

toomuchlaundry · 27/02/2022 09:15

Get your DH to talk to his brothers. Do they pay rent? Assume they do nothing round the house. Would be better to move to a smaller house and force the issue of them moving out!

GabriellaMontez · 27/02/2022 09:16

They need to move out yesterday. It's not easy. Rent is expensive. Even a room in a house share. But they'll have to manage.

LadyGardenersQuestionTime · 27/02/2022 09:16

“One son has given up work as he only needs £ for the odd takeaway” - so they actually live OFF their parents, not just with their parents? At 30+? Sharing a room?

This is not normal.

Clearly very deep seated issues in the household if none of them think it’s bizarre to live like this. I don’t think she needs practical advice, they all need family counselling.

OakRowan · 27/02/2022 09:16

They are not young men!

ByHook0rByCrook · 27/02/2022 09:16

A young man in his late teens and early 20s still living at home is a failure to launch problem, and could possibly need a bit of guided support and strong parental boundaries to get there. A man in his 30s still living at home quite simply needs to move out, regardless.

MrsMoastyToasty · 27/02/2022 09:16

There's a quote that says "Nothing changes if nothing changes ". Perhaps you could tell her this.
She has options.

  1. Learn to drive and get a car.
  2. Change job.
  3. Kick sons out/Increase their rent so she has money for improvements to the house.
  4. Downsize, but in a better area.

Additionally, you and your DH could work on the sons.

stonebrambleboy · 27/02/2022 09:18

These two men (they're not boys or children anymore) could go and rent a flat together. The take away one needs to find employment.

MichelleScarn · 27/02/2022 09:19

love to know if there are any government schemes, initiatives etc to help older people buy a bigger house or help children to move out but keep a share of the capital or something similar.

I think a lot of people would love a scheme like this this! Can't imagine there is one.
How long have the sons been working for?

babyjellyfish · 27/02/2022 09:19

@LoHicimosAmigos

I agree but it's not easy for young men, either share a room in a shared house or stay at home and save for their own place, which I imagine is what they intended to do.
I know precisely zero siblings in their 30s sharing a room in their mum's house.
sst1234 · 27/02/2022 09:19

OP, not clear on why you want the government i.e the taxpayer to find a bigger house for adults who refuse to take responsibility for themselves. Sorry, you know what the answer is. Either the wasters need to go or your mother in law accepts the situation.

RitaFires · 27/02/2022 09:20

Sharing a room in their thirties can't possibly be good for their mental health. I would think a house share would be better than that.

It doesn't sound like this situation is tenable any more. Can you present them with some options like for MIL what areas she could afford to buy a bigger house, and how much renting could cost for the sons. They may not take your advice but at least you'll have tried to help.

sst1234 · 27/02/2022 09:21

@LoHicimosAmigos

I agree but it's not easy for young men, either share a room in a shared house or stay at home and save for their own place, which I imagine is what they intended to do.
What’s hard about it? How do you think millions of 30 somethings are making it happen?
LoHicimosAmigos · 27/02/2022 09:21

They do contribute but in different ways. One pays for stuff and the other does a lot around the house. I think they focus on the wrong things to try to solve the problem. One buys them all Waitrose shopping every week, the other paints and decorates. But they're not addressing the real problem, that they all need their own lives.
I have very small children and it's kind of hard for me to imagine ever kicking them out either. I guess I'll change my mind about that in time.

OP posts:
Thatsplentyjack · 27/02/2022 09:22

@LoHicimosAmigos

I agree but it's not easy for young men, either share a room in a shared house or stay at home and save for their own place, which I imagine is what they intended to do.
Well they're not young. They are full grown men that should have full time jobs, yet they are sponging off their working mother. Is their father around?
Easterbunnyiswindowshopping · 27/02/2022 09:23

Tell dh to send the lazy fuckers the job centre address.

Thatsplentyjack · 27/02/2022 09:23

This is your mil, so where is your partner in all this?

saraclara · 27/02/2022 09:23

Why is one of them not working? And what area of the country are they in?

It's pretty obvious that these men need to move out and either flat share together or with others.

RichardsGear · 27/02/2022 09:24

What a depressing situation all round! Jobless son needs to find work and MIL needs to put herself first for once and tell them that she will be downsizing.

Agree with other posters though, that it's not the role of the government or taxpayer to facilitate these men standing on their own two feet, although aren't there first time buyer incentives? Shared ownership etc?

EllaDuggee · 27/02/2022 09:25

@LoHicimosAmigos

I agree but it's not easy for young men, either share a room in a shared house or stay at home and save for their own place, which I imagine is what they intended to do.
If one of them has given up work as he only needs money for takeaways he's not saving up for his own place is he, he is living off his mother at the expense of her health. Is he ill in some way that means he can't work? If not he needs to be kicked out for his own benefit as well as hers as he will never establish his own life independently. They both need to establish their own lives independently. Can you put it to her like this , that it will be good for them to strike out on their own?