Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To ask for other solutions to my in laws up-sizing problem

236 replies

LoHicimosAmigos · 27/02/2022 09:07

Just wondering if there was something I hadn't thought of. My mother in law is not in a good place right now, signed off work with depression, saying that she doesn't see the point in living anymore. I'm trying to help her from a practical point of view. She also speaks to me about it as everyone else shuts any discussion of emotions down.
Lots of her depression stems from their house. She LOATHES her neighbours, hates the area and it's too small. Adult sons still live it home so that's four adults in a two bed. Parking is a nightmare. She works just round the corner but hates her job, yet she needs to work and can't drive so says it's the only job she can do. The boys fight constantly, partly because they're men in their thirties who still have to share a room.
What she thinks will solve the problem is buying a three bed house. So a room for both sons. However selling a two bed will not buy you a three bed in the same area without getting a mortgage which they don't want and at sixty plus I can see why.

The only options I can see are that she considers buying a three bed in another area, further from work and therefore finds a new job. Or she tells the sons she is giving them until this date to move out and she can buy a lovely two or one bed in the area of her choice, maybe give up work and have a better standard of life.
I think this is a much better idea. She refuses to 'kick them out' but everyone would be happier. One son has given up work altogether as he only needs money for the odd take away. The other is saving but also has a brand new car. I think they need independence, the whole house is so full of tension and depression as if this is not how any of them imagined life. They all love each other but need some space.
I'd love to know if there are any government schemes, initiatives etc to help older people buy a bigger house or help children to move out but keep a share of the capital or something similar.

OP posts:
roarfeckingroarr · 27/02/2022 16:07

I can't relate to this at all - why can't grown men support themselves and do basic things like rent a room, work etc.

BloodyN0rah · 27/02/2022 16:32

I don’t think you can fix it OP. I’ve had relatives who aren’t disabled in any way but are just too feckless or damaged to hold down a job or hope for anything beyond what they have now. It takes decades to fuck someone up that much and you can’t just wave a wand and make them ok. I’d just be there for support when you can.

toomuchlaundry · 27/02/2022 16:44

So what happens when both MIL and FIL can't work due to health conditions?

Sugarplumfairy65 · 27/02/2022 16:46

@LoHicimosAmigos

I agree but it's not easy for young men, either share a room in a shared house or stay at home and save for their own place, which I imagine is what they intended to do.
They are not young men, They are on the way to middle age!
Cocomarine · 27/02/2022 16:53

@MrsLargeEmbodied

my bil never left home, he felt a duty of care to his widowed mother
Could you explain the relevance of that? Was your MIL suicidal, with one stress factor being the tension from him staying at home? Did he contribute nothing financially?
Cocomarine · 27/02/2022 16:57

@LoHicimosAmigos

My BiL earns his take away money doing odd jobs for family, he usually won't accept the money so I give it to him in an envelope and then run away.
Ha! Horseshit. He knows the money is coming, so it’s just a silly game, isn’t it? If he really had any intention of not taking money for made up jobs, he’d firmly hand the envelope back. So not only is he leeching off his parents, but other family members too. Nice.
me4real · 27/02/2022 17:59

They don't claim benefits, they don't want to claim benefits.

@LoHicimosAmigos They should if it's that or leeching off their mum/not being a grown up. Especially if they need to have money to rent etc.

me4real · 27/02/2022 18:01

@MrsLargeEmbodied I've known of people where eventually they can use that excuse/reason. But that's after decades of already living at home and there being no reason except patheticness.

Bluetrews25 · 28/02/2022 10:25

Of course they don't want to claim benefits! Then they'd have the benefits office on their backs about finding a job. Any job.
OP, if you are paying for 'odd jobs' realise that you are an enabling part of the problem.

SeasonFinale · 28/02/2022 10:34

So you are helping to facilitate the non working BIL by paying him to do odd jobs. Just stop this nonsense! Let him get work.

The scheme you are looking for is called is simple. The BILS get off their lazy arses, get jobs and move out or indeed club together with the PILS to buy a larger house using their income to fund the mortgage. But that would mean them having income.

IamtheDevilsAvocado · 28/02/2022 10:35

@LoHicimosAmigos

For all the mental health awareness out there, there's some pretty harsh replies on here. Some people will never be emotional resilient enough to work.
If these men have mental health issues - are they doing anything to move forward with it?

Are they asking their GPs, self referring to IAPT, MIND...

New posts on this thread. Refresh page
Swipe left for the next trending thread